Every "hormone hostage" knows that there are certain days in every month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he risks his very life. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or male child. DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? DANGEROUS: Why are you so worked up? SAFER: Could we be over-reacting? SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?!? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you do all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe. ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE: Penis breath, a lover's dread Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be, Just be grateful he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why you bothered reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease- Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do So open wide and shove it through. Lick the tip then take it all... Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue, And feel the precum start to run. So when the fuck's he gonna cum? Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar, And when he hits that real high note You feel it oozing down your throat- Salty, slimy, sticky, yucky stuff. Okay, already that's enough! Let's switch you say, before you gag, And that's your revenge...you're on the rag. A priest was out walking his parish when he noticed a small boy sitting on the stoop, crushing a flow of ants with his foot. As he ground the ants into the pavement, he kept yelling, "These goddam ants! These goddam ants!" The priest went over to him and chided, "Little boy, God never put anything on Earth without a purpose." "Sure He did," said the boy. "And what would those be, my son?" "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddam ants!" A man had just placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, and said, "Not bad, but your tits could be bigger." Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at her Real Man, what can we always conclude he has done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. Q: How do you confuse a Liberal? A: You can't. They're born that way. The dentist said to his patient, "Miss Jones, I am going to have to pull that bad tooth of yours." "Oh! I think I'd rather suffer pregnancy than have a tooth pulled." "Well," the dentist said, "make up your mind...I have to position the chair." A passing ambulance's siren drowns out the conversation of two lawyers standing on the sidewalk. The first lawyer gets a horrified look on his face, so the second lawyer asks, "What is the matter with you? Lawyers are supposed to be attracted to ambulances, not repelled by them." "I can't help it," answered number one, "Ever since an ambulance driver stole my third wife from me, I get terrified at the sight of an ambulance. I am afraid it might be him bringing her back." On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Next the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The eldest son agreed, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river also. The youngest son, who was 17, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The teenager replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you can actually have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." The boy eyed her suspiciously and asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?" Three guys are sitting in a bar, all very drunk and bragging about their families. First guy says, "I've got four strong boys, one more and I'll have my own basketball team!" Second guy says, "That's nothing. I have eight children, one more and I'll have my own baseball team!" Third guy says, "You guys have no idea about true happiness! I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have my own golf course!" There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family. With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced HIS family." Q: Did you hear the one about the girl who was extremely skinny? A: She had to tease her hair just to keep her pants up. A man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The person behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his wildly nymphomaniacal centerfold grade daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her all of her many overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The man said, "You're bullshitting me man!" The clerk behind the counter said, "Yes, but you started it." The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself." A young blonde asked her doctor to remove a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Naturally, the doctor inquired, "How did this happen?" "My boyfriend insists on eating by candlelight." Q: What is six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A: Money. Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN... 1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." 6. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this." 7. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 8. Your junior prom had a daycare. 9. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines." 10. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 11. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 12. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 13. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it. 14. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. 15. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. 16. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor. 17. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. 18. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. 19. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. 20. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 21. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. 22. If you've ever been too drunk to fish. John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago." John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?" Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?" Susan: "I'm pregnant by you and I'm going to kill myself." John: "Say, you really ARE a good sport!" Montana Romance A cowboy, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible plane crash. They found themselves stranded on the prairie. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the mesa every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there atop the mesa, the sheep started looking better and better to the cowboy. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the cowboy took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another plane crash. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the cowboy had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued..."Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today." Q: What's the definition of the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: Did you hear the one about the dislexic drunk? A: He stumbled into a bra. A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?" One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put those goddamned beads away, our prayers have been answered!" A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "...and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man answered?" Nasty Billy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, "I think the man would have said, 'Well, fuck me! A talking pig!'" (True story.) This is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between the female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald as he was preparing to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation: FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? Q: What's the main difference between mayonnaise and semen? A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles per hour. Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister. Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A: Marry it. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley? A: You push it to the side before you start eating. A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist." At that point, the proctologist fainted. Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while, too. Q: What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A: A washing machine doesn't drip when you dump your load in it. A guy walks into a bar and starts talking to a tall, attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation he says, "Would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke?" "Well!", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6 feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo for the past 5 years." Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My roommate is blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years." Lastly she added, "My next door neighbor's a blonde, she weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens' wrestler, do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde?" "Hell no," came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain it 3 times." I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating forover a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with and fuck me, just come on up." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of this story: always keep your condoms in your car. Q: How do New Zealanders practice safe sex? A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick. Q: Why do cows look so depressed after being milked? A: Well, if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for 2 hours and didn't screw you, you would be depressed too. Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her. John and Bruce were having gay sex. "I've got AIDS," said John, who was on top. "Oh God!" cried Bruce. "Just kidding," said John. "I just love the way you tighten your asshole when I say that!" Dear Diary, I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And, I never figured out why men think with their heads (be it the big or the little) and women "think" with their emotions. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do." One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??????" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads...She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I rolled over and went to sleep. The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store...I walked around with her while she tried on three different very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewelry department, where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you - she was SO excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face...it went completely blank. I then said "Really, honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I won't be having sex again until sometime after the spring of 2008 and it'll be longer still before I ever have to go shopping with her. A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear. The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills. Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I don't get it. I can understand the first wish, having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But why he'd want to be hung like a nigger is beyond me." Q: What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A: A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe." The Queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!" said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explained, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a beautiful young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan." These three Polacks go to a brothel together and ask the madam for something special. She tells them there is the $100, $200 and $500 packages. The first Polack takes the $100 package and when he comes back he tells how this beautiful girl put two pineapple rings on his penis and ate them off slowly. So the next Polack gets out $200 and disappears into a room. He comes out telling how this beautiful girl put two pineapple rings and whipped cream on his penis and licked off the wipped cream and ate off the pineapple rings! So the third Polack is really excited and gets out $500 dollars. After a while the other two hear a loud scream and their pal comes back with holding his penis with a blood-stained towel... "She put on the two pineapple rings and the whipped cream and chocolate topping and sprinkled on nuts and finished it off with a cherry and it looked so fuckin delicious I ate it myself!" A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" "Because I'm a divorce lawyer." The woman in Arkansas called up her local dairy farm and said, "Please send over lots of milk. I want to take a milk bath." "Pasteurized?" the salesman asked. "No, just up to my tits." Q: Did you hear the one about the homosexual ghosts? A: They gave each other the willies. Daffyniton - Jell-O: Kool-Aid with a hardon. Q: How do you keep niggers out of your back yard? A: Hang one in the front yard. Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third degree examination. "How old are you?" he asked. "None of your business!" replied his mother shortly. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's not your business either, young man!" The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?" Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without any dinner. The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I know!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know." Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her driver's license. "Just what the heck do you think you are doing?" she yells. "Well, you wouldn't tell me what I wanted to know," says the junior detective, "but my friend said it's all right here. See, you're 40 years old...you weigh 145 pounds...and daddy divorced you because you got an 'F' in Sex." A few days after the recent war started, Iraq's minister of defense gathered all of the many, many Saddamy Hussein lookalikes together and made the following announcement: "I have some good news and some bad news for all of you. First, the good news. Saddamy has survived the Americans' bombing, so all of you are still employed. Now, the bad news. Saddamy lost an arm." A German Jew visited a rabbi and asked his council. "During World War II I changed my name to a gentile one to keep from being killed by the Nazis. Was this wrong?" "No," said the rabbi. "You did what you had to do to survive." "During the war I took a beautiful young Jewish girl - who did not change her last name - under my protection, and lodged her in my basement. In exchange for saving her from the Nazis, I had her give me a blowjob every day. Was this wrong?" "No. Stressful times cause variances. God will forgive you if you are truly sorry for what you did." "Well, that brings up another point. I haven't told her that the war is over yet." An old Jew is sitting on a park bench reading Calypso Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading 'The Jewish Journal.'" Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, Arab murdering in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news." Harry says, "Everyone knows Calypso Louis is a crazy racist, what good news could possibly be in that paper?" Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news." One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes...Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, except for me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and later bought the motorcycle as well as much more. For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear were gay..." Q: How long does it take a nigger to take a shit? A: Nine months. Q: What do you get when you cross a nigger and an octopus? A: Beats the shit out of me, but it can sure as hell pick cotton. The new girl at the massage parlor was asked why she chose her new line of work. "I am paying back this loan shark named Paul. You might say I am rubbing peters to pay Paul." Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbit got killed in a car accident? A: Some dick cut her off. Q: Why is air a lot like sex? A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it. Q: What is a Yankee? A: Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q: Why do they say "Black is Beautiful?" A: Because nigger is not a color. Q: What do you get when you cross a nigger and a Vietnamese? A: A car thief who can't drive. Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look extremely attractive? A: Put a nipple on it. A couple are concerned about the extremely small size of their young son's penis, so they take him to a specialist. "Amazingly," the Doctor says, "I have discovered that the best thing for a small penis is the feed the male lots of toast." The next morning the wife toasts an entire loaf of bread to eat. "What's for breakfast?" little Johnny asks. "Plenty of toast," his mother repies. "The top two slices are for you. Save all the rest for your father." Q: Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? A: Because their balls fall over their assholes, and they vapor-lock. Q: What was the historical perspective on the differnce between Reagan and Slick Willie? A: Reagan was responsible for trickle-down prosperity. Slick Willie was responsible for trickle-down immorality. A young nun new to the convent complained to the Mother Superior that she was suffering the pangs of lust. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that, but you get tired of the same old thing, wick in and wick out." Q: What do you call a nigger with no brain? A: Normal. Q: What did the nigger do with his first fifty-cent piece? A: Moved in with her. Aboard a tour bus containing a group of senior citizens on a sight seeing trip the driver was interrupted by an old lady claiming she had just been molested. The driver figured she was just delusional, so started to return her to her seat when he was approached by a second old lady who claimed she, too, had been molested. Now concerned, the driver went to the back of the bus where he found the likely culprit, an old man, crawling around on the floor. "What are doing?" he asked the old man. "I've lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but each time I grabbed it, it ran away." Q: What do viagra and Disneyland have in common? A: You have to wait one hour for a three minute ride. A man walked into a drugstore and asked the pharmacist for condoms with insecticide in them. "You must mean spermicide," the pharmacist answered. "No, I mean insecticide," he retorted. "My wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going after it." A man and a woman began having sex in a dark forest. After 15 minutes the man said, "I wish I had a flashlight." "So do I," the woman answered, "For the last 10 minutes you've been eating grass." Q: How can you get a faggot to fuck a female? A: Fill up her cunt with shit. Q: Did you hear about the nigger who bought Odor Eaters for his shoes? A: He took two steps and disappeared. A young divorcee was sitting at a bar one night when she noticed a young, attractive black man just a few stools away. She'd never seen for herself if the stories about black men were true, so she took the opportunity to buy the young stud a drink. One drink led to another, and those led to the couple going back to the divorcee's apartment. Once there, the woman stripped naked, climbed up in her bed, struck a sexy, come-hither pose, and whispered, "Okay, you gorgeous piece of dark meat, show me what you young, black men do best." So, naturally, he beat the shit out of her and stole her stereo. A guy called this girl and asked her out on a "complete" date. She said, "But Dushawnelle, I am on my menstrual cycle." "Hey, no problem, honeychile. I'll pick you up on my moped." An American couple visting India pass a sandal shop on the street. They stop in to look around, and are greeted by the shopkeeper, "Friends, I am having special sandals you Americans would be veddy interested in. You are putting them on and they are making you wild at sex like a crazy rogue elephant." "That's preposterous," says the husband. "Just trying them on please," answered the salesman. The husband agrees to and slips them both on. Immediately a dangerously crazed look enters his eyes, and he grabs the Indian, tears off all of his clothes, bends him over a table, and as he starts to take down his own pants, the Indian yells, "You must stopping, please! You apparently are having put them on the wrong feet!" Q: What was the historical perspective on the differnce between JFK and Slick Willie? A: JFK was Camelot. Clinton was cum a lot. Q: What do you call eight days of oral sex? A: Hanukah Lewinsky. Q: What has four legs and smells like fish? A: Clinton's desk in the West Wing. Q: What is the definition of black power? A: Five niggers pushing a stolen Cadillac. Q: What do you call a deaf and dumb nigger with no arms? A: Trustworthy. Q: What else did Nixon have in common with Beelzebubba? A: Neither one would ever have been stopped if it hadn't been for deep throat. Q: What did Nixon have in common with Clinton? A: A crooked dick in the White House. HILLARY QUESTIONED Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Billy," the lad replies. "And what is your question, Billy?" asks the Senator. "I actually have three questions: First, whatever happened to your secretive plan to socialize medincine in the U.S.? Second, why would you run for President after your husband so horribly shamed the office? And third, whatever happened to all those things you stole when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry," replies the boy. "And what is your question?" she asks. "I have five questions: First, whatever happened to your secretive plan to socialize medincine in the U.S.? Second, why would you run for President after your husband so horribly shamed the office? Third, whatever happened to all those things you stole when you left the White House? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Billy?" Q: What were Clinton's favorite recruiting colleges for interns? A: Morehead, Ball State, Brigham Young, and Oral Roberts. An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Boston and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Celtics fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Celtics fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Celtics fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Celtics fan, then who do you support?" "I'm a Spurs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Spurs fan?" "Because my mom and dad are from San Antonio and my mom is a Spurs fan and my dad is a Spurs fan, so I'm a Spurs fan too!" "Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Spurs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?" Mary said, "I'd be a JailBlazers fan." Q: Why did God make armadillos? A: So niggers could have possum on the half shell. Q: What do you call a nigger in a $100,000 house? A: Burglar. Q: What is the OTHER way Beelzebubba cheats on Hillary? A: He gets on top. Q: What was the actual ad that Monica Lewinsky was recruited by? A: Be a White House intern. Get a taste of the Presidency. Q: Why does Slick Willie never pay retail? A: He prefers to dicker. Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? A: Twin babies entering an acid bath. Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. Woman yells out window, "P I G !" Man yells out window, " B I T C H !" Man rounds next curve, Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road. Thought For The Day : If only men would listen. Q: Why can't you shoot a nigger in a watermelon patch? A: Because it is illegal to hunt a baited field. Q: Why are the soles of a nigger's feet and his palms white? A: God had them assume the position when he spray painted their backs. Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Slick Willie wished HE had? A: A dead girlfriend. Q: When did Slick Willie realize that Paula Jones was a Republican? A: When she wouldn't swallow everything he presented. Q: Why did Monica Lewinsky have such puffy cheeks? A: She was withholding evidence. Q: What was Slick Willie's affectionate way of describing Monica? A: "She's got the whitest teeth I've ever come across." The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, are you gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: 1. you have a dirty mind, 2. you didn't read your homework, and 3. someday you are going to be very, very disappointed." Q: What did God say when He made the first nigger? A: Shit. Q: Why do niggers have big nostrils? A: God held then up with two fingers to spray paint them. One sunny African day a male lion was feeling his testosterone and walked along until he encountered a zebra. He pounced on the zebra, but rather than eating it asked, "Who is the King of the Jungle?" "You are, oh mighty lion," the zebra wisely answered. Feeling even more enthusiastic, the lion walked on farther until he encountered a cheetah, of which he asked, "Who is the King of the Jungle?" "You are, oh mighty lion," the humiliated cheetah replied. Now the lion was really stoked, so when he encountered an elephant he pounced on one of the elephant's feet and wrapped both his front paws around it, then queried, "Who is the King of the Jungle?" The elephant silently reached around with his trunk, picked up the lion, swung him around for several seconds, bashed him against two trees, threw him violently to the ground, stomped on him, then slowly walked away. "Hey, man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to make such a big deal out of it," the injured lion called after the departing elephant. A husband returned home unexpectedly early one afternoon to find his wife in bed naked and a cigar burning in the ashtray nearby. "Where in the hell," he asked, "did that cigar come from?" "Havana," replied a male voice from underneath the bed. A man walked into a fur store accompanied by beautiful, stacked redhead. "Show my new girlfriend your finest mink," he announced loudly. The store owner quickly retrieved a full coat, which the redhead tried on and loved. "That coat costs $100,000," the shopowner said. "No problemo," the man smiled, "I'll write you a check in full for it right now." "Wonderful!" beamed the shopowner, "Since today is Friday, I'll just hold it for you to pick up on Monday, after your check has had a chance to clear the bank." And the happy couple left the store. On Monday afternoon the man returned alone, and was greeted by the owner angrily, "How dare you come back here and show your face again! Didn't you know that your check would bounce because of non-sufficient funds?" "Oh, sure," smiled the happy customer, "But I just came by to thank you for the best weekend of my life." Q: What is the difference between a plastic bag and Michael Jackson? A: One of them is white and harmful to children, and the other is a plastic bag. An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Dr. asked for a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open." Q: What is Slick Willie's definition of "safe sex?" A: When Hillary is out of town. Hillary: Willie! I read in the paper that you spent money on plastic sugery for Monica! Slickness: Now, dear, you know how the press always distorts the truth. What I said was that I blew a wad on her face. Q: What was the important difference between Slick Willie and a gigolo? A: A gigolo can't screw a whole nation at once. Q: Why was Beelzebubba Clinton so interested in the Middle East? A: He thought the Gaza Strip was a topless bar. A farmer sent his beautiful young daughter to the village to buy pigs' feet, and only after she had already left remembered that the young new butcher didn't speak a word of English. When she returned with the pigs' feet, he said, "How did tell him you wanted those?" "I just pointed towards my feet and grunted like a pig, Daddy." "Boy!" said the farmer, "I sure am glad I didn't send you in for a ham!" Q: Why do niggers have flat noses? A: When they are born, the doctor has to stand on the back of their heads to pull off their tails. Q: Why do niggers carry a monkey on their backs? A: For spare parts. If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with a light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with a hard-on? Husband to wife: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife...Cold as usual.'" Wife to husband: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband...Stiff at last.'" Q: What is the definition of a sex therapist? A: A man who knows fifty different ways of making love but does not know any women. The man was flying his single engine plane over the wilds of Africa when the engine died and he was forced to land in uncharted territory. No sooner did he step out of the plane than he was surrounded by screaming savages brandishing spears. He looked skyward and dejectedly said, "I'm fucked." A deep voice boomed out from heaven and said, "You're not fucked. Go over and grab a spear from one of the savages and run it through their leader's heart." The man did as he was told. He then gazed heavenward expectantly. The deep voice said, "NOW you're fucked." Q: Why did Slick Willie advocate the New Math when he was President? A: He wanted everyone to know that 50 could go into 22 without getting 5 to 10. Q: Why don't niggers like blowjobs? A: They don't like any job. Q: What is a nigger fortune cookie? A: A chitling with a food stamp inside. Q: How does a man manage to keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs, and diamonds. Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: Why do men whistle while they're sitting on the toilet? A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. Q: What one word could have saved Princess Diana's life? A: Taxi. Q: What do you get when you cross a nigger and a goat? A: A weed eater that doesn't work. Q: What can you do with a dead nigger? A: Cut off his lips and use them for suitcase handles. Q: What is more difficult than getting red wine stains off a car's carpeting? A: Getting Princess Diana off its dashboard. Q: What did the medical examiner list as the official cause of Princess Diana's death? A: Car-pole tunnel syndrome. Q: What's the difference between the London Ritz and the Paris Ritz? A: At the London Ritz, you get afterdinner mints. At the Paris Ritz, after dinner you get minced. Q: How does a woman keep her husband from reading her email? A: By renaming her email folder to "instruction manuals." FUNNY QUESTIONS: If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it? Q: Why do niggers wear white gloves? A: So they don't bite their fingers off eating Tootsie Rolls. Q: What's the difference between a Pinto and a Mercedes? A: Princess Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Pinto. Q: What was the last thing Princess Diana had to drink? A: A Harvey Wallbanger and six chasers. "'Morning," a passerby said to Prince Charles as he was walking the day after the accident. "No, just walking the dog." Q: What did the French morgue attendant say when he got the body bags from Princes Di's fatal accident? A: "Zip-a-de-Dodi, Zip-a-de-Di." Q: How do you paint your Mercedes red? A: You Di it. Q: Why do nigger babies have such big heads? A: So they don't fall out during the bridal dance. Q: What do you get when you cross a nigger and a groundhog? A: Six more weeks of basketball. Q: How did the fatal accident investigators determine Princess Diana had dandruff? A: They found her head and shoulders on the dash board. Q: What is the main difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana? A: Tiger Woods has the better driver. Q: What did Dodi say to his chauffer? A: "Would you like to come to Paris with me and Di?" Q: Why did Sonny Bono ski into that tree? A: It has always been considered a good move to keep up with the Kennedys. Q: What was the last thing that went through Sonny Bono's mind when he hit that tree? A: The '60s. Q: Why was there only one nigger aboard the space shuttle when it blew up? A: They didn't know it was going to blow up. Q: What's the proper gift for a dead baby? A: A dead puppy. "Where are you going, old man?" the old lady asked her husband as he got up and started out the door. "I'm going to buy me some of that there Viagra stuff." Immediately she got up and started to put on her coat, and so he asked, "Where are you going, old lady?" "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you are going to start using that rusty old thing of yours on me again, I'm going to need a tetanus shot." Q: Did you hear about the new sequel to "The Exorcist?" A: It's about a woman who hires a demon to get the priest out of her son. Daffynition - Lady: A woman who doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, and only curses when it slips out. Q: What's the main difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love? A: Gretzky takes a shower after three periods. Q: What's the difference between good nigger kids and bad nigger kids? A: Good nigger kids are in medium security prisons. Q: Hear about the new bumper sticker that says "Run, Jesse, Run"? A: You put it on the front of your car. Slick Willie is busy screwing a farmer's wife when the farmer rushes in with a shotgun and promptly announces, "I'm gonna shoot your balls off, Beelzebubba." "Give me a chance," pleads The Impeached One, embarassed to be caught, again. "OK," promises the farmer, "swing 'em." Q: What is the only difference between a porn movie and a Courtney Love video? A: The porn movie has better music. Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three, one to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company. Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? A: His partners. Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other. Q: Hear about the new Chapstick for niggers? A: It comes in a spray can. Q: What is a nigger's favorite antiperspirant? A: Unemployment. A man walked into the church, sat down in the confessional and said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." There was a nearby grunt followed by, "Harumph. You think Y O U ' V E got problems?" Daffynition - Mistress: something in between a mister and a mattress. A married couple approached a wishing well, and the leaned over, made his wish, then threw in a coin. The wife started to do the same, but leaned too far and fell into the well. The husband looked astonished, and said, "Wow! It really works!" Q: What do you call a bad lawyer gone worse? A: Senator. Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q: What do you say to a nigger in uniform? A: "I'll have a Big Mac with cheese and a coke." Q: What aren't there any niggers on the Flinstones? A: Because they were still monkeys then. Q: What was the fundamental difference between PeeWee Herman and OJ Simpson? A: It only took twelve jerks to get OJ off. Q: What bad advice did Johnnie Cockring give to his client, Latrell Sprewell? A: "If the coach orders you to hustle, just squeeze his breathing muscle." Q: Why did they invite Elton John to Princess Diana's funeral? A: So at least one queen would cry in public. Q: What tribute should Cher have performed at Sonny Bono's funeral? A: A moment of silence. Q: What did the deaths of Sonny Bono, Chris Farley, and Michael Kennedy have in common? A: White powdery substances. Q: Does anyone know how you say Magic Johnson's name in Chinese? A: Coon Die Soon. Q: How can you solve the Mexican problem? A: Tell niggers they taste like chicken. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: If your dog is barking at your back door and your wife is barking at your front door, who do you let in first? A: The dog. He, at least, will keep quiet after being let in. Q: What does a woman have in common with a gun? A: If you keep one around long enough, you'll want to shoot it. Q: When does a REAL man open his beer? A: He doesn't. She does, before she brings it to him. Q: What is infinitely worse than a male chauvinist? A: A woman who won't do what she's told. Q: How do you know when a black baby is baptized? A: When the bubbles stop coming up. Q: What is white and looks good on a nigger? A: A toe tag. THE COLLEGE THEME PAPER: HE VS. SHE Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University. "Today we will experiment with a new form of composition called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted. ------------------------------------------------------------- STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question. ------------------------------------------------------ (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. --------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted impy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F***ING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels." ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Asshole. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Bitch. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Wanker. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Slut. --------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) Get f****d. ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Eat s**t. -------------------------------------------------------- (Rebecca) F*** YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!! ---------------------------------------------------------- (Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. ************************************************************* (Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one. Q: What do women and rocks have in common? A: You skip the flat ones. Q: Why don't roosters have hands? A: Because chickens don't have tits. Q: Why were shopping carts invented? A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs. Saddamy Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddamy presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddamy laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddamy laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough. I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!" A fortnight passes and Saddamy flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddamy ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddamy jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddamy jumps up again, but again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddamy. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Through tears of laughter, George W. says, "What Baghdad?" Q: Did you hear about the new video game called "BlackMan?" A: It's a pair of lips chasing a watermelon. Q: What is pink and green and purple and red and orange? A: A nigger dressed up to go to church. A doctor and an HMO manager were both standing outside the Pearly Gates, seeking admission. St. Peter asked them, for pre-admission screening purposes, what they did on earth. The doctor said, "I was a doctor, and I healed people." "Please enter Heaven," St. Peter said. The HMO manager said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people maintain the cost-effectiveness of their health care." "Please enter Heaven," St. Peter said, but stopped the HMO manager as he passed in, and added, "But you can only stay for two days." A group of cowboys on a trail drive were out branding cattle when their cook began preparing their dinner. He noticed a sheep tied to a nearby tree, and thinking this had been left for the evening's repast, slaughtered it and cooked it. After dinner, the cowboys all seemed depressed and were ignoring the cook, so he asked one, "Did I screw up the cooking?" "No," one cowboy answered, "You cooked up the screwing." A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temples and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Q: How can you tell if it's time to wash dishes and clean the house? A: Look in your pants. If you have a dick, it's not time. Q: Why do women come equipped with smaller feet than men? A: So they can stand closer to the sink. One day the teacher is asking her pupils what their dads do for a living. Billy says "My dad's a baker." Johnny says "My dad's a bookmaker," and Cleotius says "My daddy's a chiropodist." "Good," says the teacher "Now when you come to school tomorrow I want you to find out how to spell your dads job." Next day comes and Billy is at the front of the class. "My dad's a baker, B-A-K-E-R." "Well done," says the teacher. "Now. what about you Johnny?" Johnny goes to the front and says, "My dad's a bookmaker, B-O-O-K-M-A-K-E-R. And he says 10 to 1 the nigger can't spell chiropodist." Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay? A: They never have time. Q: How does a REAL man fix his woman's watch? A: He doesn't. He makes her use the fucking clock already on the oven. A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients, made while he was performing colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before." 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!" 5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, You do the Hokey Pokey...." 9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!" 11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?" Q: Why do police dogs lick their assholes? A: To get the taste of nigger out of their mouths. Pete Townsend said he was researching kiddie porn for a book, well now it's out... It's called, "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing." One day the Reverend Jesse Jackson was walking down the beach and he stumbled over a tarnished old lamp. As he rubbed it to clean it off, and a Genie appeared. The Genie said "I've been in that lamp for 600 years. I'll give you any one wish you would like to thank you." Jesse Jackson said "I want a road built from the U.S. to Africa so my people can come and go as they please." The Genie said "That's a pretty tough chore, is there anything else you would like instead?" Jesse says "Well, you could make all my people just as smart as white people." The Genie replied, "So, would you like 4 lanes or 6 on that road?" Q: If a woman comes into the living room to yell at her husband, what has he done wrong? A: Made her chain too long. TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need to talk = I need to complain Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful Do what you want = You'll pay for this later I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my thighs You're so .. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH I'm hungry = I'm hungry I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy I'm tired = I'm tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = Let's have sex now I'm bored = Do you want to have sex? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have sex now? May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other men You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next 10 minutes Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay TEST YOUR POLITICS: Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? _________________________________________________ Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with killing just me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. __________________________________________________ Conservative Answer: BANG! _________________________________________________ Conservative Texan's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click! Click!... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed.) Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?" Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..." BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad!" Q: What has eighteen balls and fucks a nigger? A: Two rounds of OO buckshot. Q: Why are all the niggers you see so fast? A: All slow ones are in jail. Here's the latest on Senator Trent Lott's resignation... The Mississippi NAACP said that It "was prepared to boycott all retail merchants in Mississippi until Senator Lott resigned his senate seat." If they did, The Mississippi Association of Retail Merchants says: "Shop Lifting would decrease by 97%." Slick Willie finishes doing everyone on earth and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And who might you be?" inquires St Peter. "It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World." "Oh. What may I do for you?" asks St Peter. "I'd like to come in," replies Beelzebubba. "Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?" Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but you can't call it `dope-smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but Hillary said they were legal, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury." With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "Okay, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath ... waiting for it to freeze over." Q: At what point does a priest need a prescription for viagra? A: When his altar boy class exceeds 10 members. Dear Abby: My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. Just because I am a lesbian he chooses to ignore me at home. I don't know what to do. Signed, Frustrated Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore. Against the advice of all their friends and relatives, an ant and an elephant got married. On their wedding night they had just consummated their union when the elephant had a heart attack and died. "Shit!" said the ant. "Five minutes of ecstacy, and now I have to spend the rest of my life digging a grave." To the man walking into a Chinese restaurant the bartender said, "What you likee?" "I'd like a Stoli with a twist." "OK. Once upon a time there were 3 little pigs..." It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual "Stella Awards" The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. The following are this year's candidates: 1.Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms.Robertson's son. 2.A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps. 3.Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished burgling by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 4.Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought only because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5.A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6.Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 7.This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. Daffynition - Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Mr. Dumpty. Q: What do you get when you cross a freeway with a bicycle? A: Killed. A woman ran into her local police station to report: "I've just been raped by two Polish men!" "How did you know they were Polacks?" the desk sergeant naturally asked. "Because I had to help them!" Q: Why are niggers so strong? A: TVs are getting heavier. TEN THINGS NO NIGGER WOULD EVER SAY: 1. Boy, that was a tough week at work. 2. Boy, that was a tough day at work. 3. I just took my third shower for this month. 4. What is welfare? 5. You're pregnant? Of course, I'll marry you. 6. Thanks for the diploma. 7. Yes, I'll take the job! 8. Larry Bird is the greatest player in NBA history. 9. Spend your money on 1000 shares of IBM. 10. Everybody knows OJ killed his wife! Q: How is a pedophile like the turtle? A: Because he got there before the hare. Q: Why are synagogues round? A: So the Jews have nowhere to run when they pass out the collection plate. A first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a liberal Democrat. She then asked her students to raise their hand if they were liberal Democrats, too. Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was, but wanting to please their teacher, hands exploded into the air like flashy fireworks. There was, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asked Lucy why she decided to be different. "Because I'm not a liberal Democrat, " Lucy said. The teacher asked, "Then what are you?" "I'm a proud conservative Republican" said the little girl. The teacher, a little perturbed and red faced, asked Lucy why she was a conservative Republican. Lucy proclaimed, "Well, I was brought up to trust in myself and freedom, instead of relying on an intrusive government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too." The teacher calmly pointed out, "That's no reason. What if your Mom and Dad were morons? What would you be then?" Lucy answered, "Then, I'd be a liberal Democrat." Q: Why must men always produce millions of sperm? A: Because never will even one of them stop to ask directions. A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those two cute babies asked the man, "They're so cute! What are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What in the flying fuck kind of a father are you?" The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the two complaints that I am taking back to my manufacturer." Q: Why did God put men on earth? A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. Q: Why don't women have the brains of men? A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in. Q: What do men enjoy most about masturbation? A: It's sex with someone they love. Q: How are men like parking spots? A: The good ones are always taken, and the free ones are either handicapped or extremely small. Q: Why do men whistle while they are on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end to wipe. Placing his ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house, a young fireman rushed up the ladder and looked through the window. Inside was a beautiful buxom blonde wearing a see-through negligee. He grinned and told her, "You're going to be the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant!" the woman exclaimed. "You're also not rescued yet." Q: How can you tell when you're a real loser? A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends." Q: How can a woman get a man to do situps? A: Put the remote control between his feet. Q: How can you tell when you're REALLY ugly? A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. A princess is walking along when she looks down and sees an ugly frog. She picks it up and says, "My, but you're a really ugly frog." The frog says, "I know, I know. I got a really bad spell put on me." The princess says, "Jesus...I've seen frogs with spells, but none of them were as ugly as you." The frog says, "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell." She says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?" The frog says, "I don't know, lady. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job." NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES: Afghanistan Cruise We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise! Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue, David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq. The Florida Extreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise. Please pack for an extended stay... at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years. Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any. Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Monica Lewinsky as recreation director, Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director, and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator. If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. --Bon Voyage! Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control? A: A trip without the kids. Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident? A: Some prick cut her off. Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet all have in common? A: Men usually miss them. Q: What did the woman answer the jerk who asked, "May I get into your pants?" A: "Sorry, they only have room for one asshole." Q: When is the only time a woman can truly enjoy a man's company? A: When he owns it. Q: Why did God give man legs? A: So his brains wouldn't drag on the ground. Q: How can a woman tell her man is the type to plan for the future? A: When he buys two cases of beer. Q: Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday. A Polack came home and found his house on fire, so ran to his neighbor's house and dialled 911 for help. "OK, how do we get there?" asked the fire dispatcher. "Don't you still have those red trucks?" An old widow was sitting alone on the beach when an old man came along and sat next to her. "Hello, how are you?" she said. "Fine," he said, and started reading a book. "I love the beach," she continued. "Do you come here often?" "First time since my wife died last year." "Do you live near here somewhere?" she continued. "Yes," he answered and continued to read his book. Desperate, and running out of ploys, she tried a different tack, "Do you like pussycats?" The man jumped up, threw his book into the sea, tore off both their swimsuits, and brutally horse-fucked her into the sand. Panting, the old woman asked, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" "Hah! How did you know my name was Katz?" Q: How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? A: Out of a catalog. Q: What are the four secrets to a happy marriage? A1: It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans. A2: It is important to find a woman who is rich. A3: It is important to find a woman who loves to have sex. A4: It is important that these three women never meet. Three men walked into a bar: a priest, a pedophile, and a homosexual. But wait. That was just the first guy. Q: What does a smart blonde have in common with UFOs? A: You often hear about them, but no one has ever seen one. Q: Why do blondes always smile reflexively during lightning? A: They think their picture is being taken. Q: What did the intelligent blonde say when she saw a YMCA? A: Look, they spelled "Macy's" wrong! Q: Did you hear about the guy who put his hand in a jar full of jelly beans? A: The black ones stole his watch. Q: Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman? A: Because you have to hollow out the head. Q: What did Michael Jackson say when his cock slid in the little boys ass? A: There is a great musician in you. Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home. Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking, fucking assholes. Q: What do you do when a Polack joins your squad in the Army? A: Run like hell - he's got a grenade in his mouth. An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators." MORAL: Old age & treachery will triumph over youth & skill every time! Q: Did you hear what happened to the Polish ice hockey team? A: They drowned during Spring training. Q: What does Susan Smith have in common with a bad golfer? A: They both put a couple in the water whenever they go out. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What's five miles long and goes three miles per hour? A: A Mexican wedding with only one set of jumper cables. Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller? A: A baby combing his hair with a potato peeler. Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs? A: Exactly where you left him. Q: Did you hear about the faggot who started using "the patch" on his dick? A: He's already down to two butts a day. A burly construction worker walks into a bar, orders a beer, chugs it down, and tries to pick a fight by bellowing, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!" He downs another beer and tries again, "All you guys on that side of the bar are motherfuckers!" Getting no takers, he proclaims, "Does anyone have a problem with that?" In response to which, one little wimp from the "motherfucker" section raises his hand. "So, what's the problem, asshole?" "Oh, nothing, sir, I'm just sitting on the wrong side of the bar." Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? A: No? Good! Q: How is a baby like a grape? A: They both give a little wine when you squish them. Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A1: Fill a glass with root beer, and add a scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby. A2: To one glass of Root Beer add two scoops of baby.(If on a diet use only one scoop.) A3: Add 8 ounces of Coke-Cola to 2 scoops of dead baby. A4: Take your foot off its head. So, I was having sex with this girl the other day, and I turned her over for some anal sex. "That's very presumptuous of you," she said. "Presumptuous!" I said. "That's a big word for a ten year old." Q: Why did Hitler commit suicide? A: He saw the gas bill. Q: What's the second best part about sex with an 8 year old girl? A: Turning her over and pretending she's an 8-year-old boy. Q: What's the worst part? A: Getting the blood of the clown suit. Q: What's red and lies in all four corners of the room? A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious Transubstantiate THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. Sorry, but you're not really my type. Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing. A big earthquake with the strength of 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 1.5 Million Mexican citizens have died, and over two million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the Fox government doesn't know where to start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican Army in controlling the riots. All European countries are sending food, money and medical supplies. The United States is sending 2 million replacement Mexicans. A young couple walk into a motel to register for a room, and the clerk says, "Good evening, sir. Suite 16." "No sir! She's 18, honest!" Q: How does an Iraqi mark his passage from boyhood into manhood? A: He moves his diaper from his ass to his head. The Difference Between the Liberal and the Conservative Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! You're looking for simple solutions to complex issues. * Does the man look poor or oppressed? * Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? * Could we run away? * What does my wife think? * What about the kids? * Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? * What does the law say about this situation? * Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? * Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? * If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. Conservative Answer: Shoot the son of a bitch. Then take your family to a baseball game, eat some hot dogs and apple pie, sing the national anthem, go to church and praise the Lord for one more day of freedom. Q: How can you tell if you J.A.P. girfriend is genuinely frigid? A: When you're eating her out, your tongue sticks to her pussy. Q: Why are women and Kentucky Fried Chicken the same? A: By the time you're finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is the greasy box to put your bone in. A beautiful girl goes to visit a psychiatrist, and announces abruptly, "I am a nymphomaniac. Can you help me?" After looking her up and down the shrink smiles, but says, "I can only offer you temporary relief." Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down and Little Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss it better." Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!" The Catholic priest of a small Irish village had a pet rooster. One day it turned up missing, and he automatically suspected one of his parishoners had stolen it to use in cockfighting. At the next Mass, he asked parishoners directly, "Has anyone got a cock?" All of the men stood up. "No! No! That's not exactly what I meant. Has anyone seen a cock?" All the women stood up this time. "No! No! That's not exactly what I meant, either. Has anyone here seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" This time, half the women stood up. "No! No! Let me rephrase the question. Has anyone here seen my cock?" All of the choiboys stood up. The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second man, an Army general, asked the pension clerk to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. The third general was a grizzled old Marine from Texas. He told the pension man "Son, I want you to measure from the tip of my penis all the way to my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted "No sir, you heard right. Go ahead and measure." The pension expert said that would be OK, but that he'd better get a medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop "em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he exclaimed, "where are your testicles?" "Vietnam," the general replied. Q: How can you tell if your valentine card is from a leper? A: The tongue's still in the envelope. Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When a woman gets a divorce, she gets rid of the whole pr1ck. Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her an inescapably inquisitive look. She responds, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hardbodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh My God..." Q: What is the definition of Confidence? A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!" How to speak about Women and be politically correct... 1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.