Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Years later, they get back together and discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother. 
	The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." 
	The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." 
	The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took more than 20 people 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. All Mom has to do is just name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." 
	Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. 
	She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house." 
	She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes, and the driver is so rude." 
	She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes - the chicken was delicious."

Q:  Why does a cat always land on its feet?
A:  When you drop it from 52 stories up, does it really matter?

Q: Did you hear about the Italian who dreamed he was eating Shredded Wheat all night?
A: He woke up and his wife's armpit was bare and bleeding.

Q: How is a J.A.P. like a toilet?
A: She'll take anybody's shit, as long as the price is right.

Q:  How many cats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  I dunno, how much does cat meat sell for these days?

Q: Why are cats better than people?
A: You can fit a cat into the microwave.

	A woman walks into Target to return a faulty toaster she just purchased the day before.
She walks up to the Customer Service counter and slams the toaster down. The pimple-faced
boy looks up and says, "Welcome to Target. May I help you?"
	The woman glares at him and says, "I'd like to return this toaster I bought yesterday."
	The boy, looking puzzled, asks, "Ok, ma'am. Do you have your receipt?"
	She shakes her head no. The clerk then says, "I'm sorry ma'am, without a receipt, you
cannot make a return."
	The woman begins to yell, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
	The boy is embarrassed and confused. He looks around and spots his manager; frantically, he beckons him over. "Sir, this lady would like to return this toaster she bought yesterday." 
	The manager looks at the woman and says, "Do you have a receipt?" 
	Once again, the woman says no. "I'm sorry, the Target policy states that we cannot take
returns without a receipt."
	Suddenly, the woman begins to shout again, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
	The manager looks at her and says, "Why do you keep yelling to grab your breasts?"
	The woman looks at him and says, "Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm
getting fucked!" 

Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handle bars.

Q: How do you tell good mushrooms from bad mushrooms?
A: Cook them and serve them to your mother-in-law.  If she dies, then they were good mushrooms.

Q: What's the definition of a teenager?
A: Your punishment for enjoying sex 13+ years earlier.

	The latest proposal to drive the Taliban and Al Qaeda out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in the ASF (Alabama Special Forces.) Billy Bob, Cooter, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Junior are being sent in with the following information about the Taliban:
1. There is no limit.
2. The season opened last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They hate beer, pickup trucks, country music, and Jesus.
5. Some are queer.
6. They don't like barbecue.
	And most importantly...
7. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
	We estimate this all should be over in just about four days.

		EPITAPH ON J.A.P.'s TOMBSTONE:
Here lies my wife.
If you think she's dead,
You should have seen
How she layed in bed.

Q: How do you get rid of termites in a Southern house?
A: Paint one black, and all the others will move out.

Q: How could the Texan tell that a Mexican had been drilling his wife?
A: Because he found a grease slick on the waterfront where the dry hole used to be.

Q: Why can you never trust a Greek?
A: Because he does everything behind your back.

Q: How can you tell if a guy is a yuppie?
A: He brings a pair of pajamas to the whore house.

Q: What do women and prawns have in common?
A: Their heads are full of shit but the pink parts taste great.

	When she was asked by the host of the party if she would like another drink, the beautiful 
blonde said, "No, thank you, my boyfriend limits me to just one."
	"Oh? Why is that?"
	"Because after one drink I can feel it.  After two drinks, anyone can." 

	The newlyweds ask the hotel clerk for a suite.  "Would you like a bridal?" he queried.
	"No thanks," blushed the blonde bride, "I'll just hold on to his shoulders until I get the hang of it."

	A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
	Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
	The little girl thought about it for a few moments and said, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

Q: What does Shaquille O'Neal have in common with a Catholic priest?
A: They are both much taller than their sex partners.

Q: Why didn't Superman rescue any of the people trapped in the World Trade Center from the
clutches of death?
A: Because he's in a wheelchair.

Q: Why is being in the military like a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

	Mrs. Anderson walks into the house and sees her husband screwing the daylights out of a strange woman on the livingroom floor. "What the hell is going on here?" she says.
	He says, "I can explain. I picked up this poor girl hitchhiking. She was cold and hungry, so I brought her home and gave her some of our food. Her clothes were torn and ragged, and since you have so many clothes you don't use, I grabbed a few of them for her to wear. And she was barefoot, and you have so many pairs of shoes you don't use, so I gave her a pair. And then, as she was leaving, she asked, "Is there anything else around here that your wife doesn't use?"

	A lady goes to her gynecologist and tells him, "I want a year's supply of birth-control pills so I can sleep better."
	The doctor says, "Birth-control pills aren't made to help you sleep better."
	She says, "Trust me, if I'm sure my daughter has a good supply of them, I assure you I will sleep much better."

Q: What is a nigger's idea of "popping the question?"
A: "Which hole?"

Q: How can you tell if a girl is Italian?
A: Her armpit looks like she has a headlock on Don King.

	Two guys are beating each other up in a shopping mall parking lot. A cop comes over and sees a kid sitting on the curb crying, "Daddy! Daddy!"
	The cop says, "Which one of them is your daddy?"
	The kid says, "That's what they're fighting about."

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

			REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED:
No one ever steals your chair.
It diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
People stop stealing your pens after they see where you keep them.
You want to see if it's like the dream.
"I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
Inventive way to finally meet that special person in human resources.
Can take advantage of your computer-monitor radiation to work on your tan. 
Never again will your boss say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8 o'clock!"

	Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties!  We have to go back to the station to get them."
	George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and order him to go fetch them for you."
	It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
	Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
	Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
	Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
	Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder.  Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

	Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
	About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
	Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
	So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
	Several days later, Ben received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

	The bartender asked the Polack, "How come you're spending every single night here recently?  Is there something wrong at home?"
	"No, nothing's wrong," answered the Polack.  "It's just that my wife has a new job working 
for the Telephone Company, calling people."
	"Wait pal," injected the bartender, "I've heard of an operator's job, but never one where 
the telephone employee does all the calling.  Are you sure that's what she told you she does?"
	"Sure.  She told me she was a call girl."	

Q: What's the most popular game show in Israel?
A: The Price Is Right.

Q: Did you hear about the new Mexican sports car?
A: It's got 4 on the floor and 12 in the backseat.

Q: Did you hear the one about the Irishman who tried to write a song about drinking?
A: He couldn't get past the first few bars.

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton.  All these women coming forward, and not a single one is his sister! 

Gennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Clinton was anything like Monica Lewinski's. She replied, "Close, but no cigar." 

			Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery:
1.  "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2.  "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3.  "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4.  "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5.  "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6.  "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7.  "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8.  "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9.  "Damn, there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Q: Did you hear about the J.A.P. whose husband was a tremendously talented lover?
A: By the time he was done making love to her, she had lost her place in her book twice. 

Q: Who always drives the hottest cars?
A: Puerto Ricans.  Everything they drive is stolen.

Q: Did you hear about the Polack who went on the "Dating Game" show?
A: He picked himself, and scored.

Q: What's the difference between an Irishman and a Muslim?
A: The Irishman gets stoned  b e f o r e  he sleeps with someone else's wife.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD WHEN:
1. Your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you have to reply, 
	"Well, I can't do both."
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, but you're barefoot.
3. You see a Serious Babe, and all that happens is, your pacemaker opens your garage door.
4. You don't care WHERE your wife goes, as long as you don't have to go along. 
5. You are getting warnings to slow down from your doctor, instead of from the police. 
6. "Getting a little action" means you have enough fiber in your diet.
7. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the mall parking lot.
8. An "all-nighter" means you don't have to get up out of bed to piss once.

5 REASONS WHY TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. You're guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.
2. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
3. It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes that you are someone else...you are.
4. It doesn't hurt for the kids to hear you moaning and groaning.
5. You get to do the entire neighborhood.

	Little Billy's father says to him, "Billy, I want to tell you all about sex."
	"No!" Little Billy cries, "I don't want to know!"
	"Why not?" says the father, puzzled by his unusual reaction.
	"Because, first when I was five, you told me there was really no such thing as 
the Tooth Fairy.  Then, when I was seven, you told me there was no such thing as 
Santa Claus.  Now, if you're setting me up to tell me there is no such thing as 
fucking, I won't have anything to live for."

Q: Why do Jewish American Princess always have sex with their eyes closed?
A: Because they can't stand to see their husbands having a good time. 

Q: What is worse than having your doctor telling you you have VD?
A: Having your dentist tell you.

Q: What is worse than running a baby over with a car?
A: Getting it out of the tires.

	"I've discovered a new sexual position that will save our marriage!" the husband 
cheerily announced.	"It's back-to-back."
	"That's a crock of shit," the wife answered. "We can't have sex back-to-back."
	"Yes we can.  I've invited another couple to participate!"

Q: What are the first two things that a blonde does every morning?
A1: She introduces herself. 
A2: She goes home.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: Sometimes the legs of the ironing board are hard to open up.

	A small boy walked into a men's room.  He saw a sailor in full dress uniform.  The little boy got really excited, and asked the sailor, "Are you a REAL Sailor?"
    The sailor replied, "Why, yes, son, I am.  Would you like to wear my hat?"
    The little boy said, "Yes!" and put on the hat.
    A Marine entered the bathroom.  The little boy, very excitedly asked, "Mister, Mister, are you a REAL Marine?"
    The Marine answered, "Yes, son, I am!  Why, do you wanta suck my dick?"
    The little boy exclaimed, "Oh, No! I'm not a real Sailor! I'm just wearing the hat!"

	The math teacher asked his class, "If you have $200, and you give $50 to Jenny, $50 
to Amber, and $50 to Buffy, what would you have?"	
	To which Rotten Billy shouted, "An orgy!"

Q: What is the best way for a girl to remove an unwanted pubic hair?
A: Spit. 

	While out walking on the African veldt one day, a missionary suddenly came face to face with a lion. Thinking that his situation was hopeless, he sank to his knees in prayer, but
then became greatly relieved when the lion got down on his knees beside him.
	"Dear brother lion," said the missionary, "how heartening it is to find you joining me in Christian prayer when a few moments ago I feared for my life!"
	"Don't interrupt," growled the lion, "while I'm saying grace!"

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on.

Q: Why did God create Eve?
A: To iron Adam's leaf.

Q: Did you hear about the lesbian who tried Viagra?
A: She couldn't get her tongue back in her mouth for a week.

Q: Why are hangovers better then women?
A: Hangovers go away.

	A guy was happily licking and sucking on his new-found girlfriend's nipples when he suddenly raised his head and stated, "You know, your nipples taste like caramel."
	"Yeah, all the guys I have sex with have said that, but my doctor still says its just cancer."

	One blonde was instructing another in the art of fellatio.  Blonde 2 ventured, 
"I wonder how long dicks should be sucked."
	"That's easy!" said Blonde 1, "The same as the short ones!"

Q: What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
A: Forget it once.

Q: How can you tell you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.

Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. (By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.)
        Note:  P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log
               S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
  
        P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
        S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
 
        P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
        S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
 
        P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
        S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
 
        P: Something loose in cockpit.
        S: Something tightened in cockpit.
 
        P: Dead bugs on windshield.
        S: Live bugs on backorder.
 
        P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
        S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
 
        P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
        S: Evidence removed.
 
        P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
        S: DME volume set to more believable level.
 
        P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
        S: That's what they're there for!
 
        P: IFF inoperative.
        S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
 
        P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
        S: Suspect you're right.
 
        P: Number 3 engine missing.  (Note: this was for a piston-engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
        S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
 
        P: Aircraft handles funny.
        S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
 
        P: Radar hums.
        S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
 
        P: Mouse in cockpit.
        S: Cat installed.

			LAST 10 THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that Way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

	A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
	The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
	Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

	A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it. The thief was spending less then his wife.

	Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage: They have experienced pain and brought jewelry.

	A guy meets a girl in a bar and after talking for a few minutes he asks her name.  She replies "Carmen."
	He says, "That's one of my favorite names. Did your mother choose that name for you?"
	She replies "No, actually I changed my name to Carmen."
	"Why did you do that?"
	"Because I like cars and men." She then thinks for a minute and asks him "What is your name?"
	"Beersex."

Q: What do two lesbians do when they're both menstruating?
A: Finger-paint.

Q: What to "transsexuals" get every 28 days?
A: Their question mark. 

		Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...
1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.
2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.
3. You've got no chance of me calling you.
4. No, I won't be gentle.
5. Of course you have to swallow.
6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.
7. I hate your friends.
8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.
9. I'd rather watch a porno.
10. Eat it?! It took me ten beers just to get up the courage to fuck it.

Q: What's the difference in a blonde and a redhead?
A1: About 25 IQ points.
A2: One is a dumb fuck and the other is a wicked fuck.

Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
A: Twins in an acid bath.

	The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news.  Which would you like first?"
	"Give me the good news."
	"Well...OK.  They're going to be naming a disease after you."

	Late one night Dirty Billy was walking past his parents' bedroom door and noticed it was 
ajar.  He looked inside, saw them, and shouted out, "And you have the balls to send ME to 
a shrink just for suckin' on my fuckin' thumb!"

	Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summer day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in.
	A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes.
	Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home.
	Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town."
	She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?"
	"Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?"

	An Arab, who was dying of thirst, was walking through the desert when he ran into a 
Jew selling neckties.  "I need water!" the Arab cried, "Can you give me any?"
	"Nope," said the Jew, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy one of my nice 
neckties.  Here is one that would go well with that towel on your head."
	"I don't want a tie.  I want water."
	"OK, don't buy a tie," answered the Jew.  "And just to show you how generous I am, 
there is a restaurant four miles on the other side of that hill to the North, and they 
have water."
	The Arab staggered away in the direction indicated, and came crawling back through the 
sand four hours later.
	"So, couldn't you find the restaurant?" the Jew inquired.
	"Oh, I found it all right," the Arab gasped, "but your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."

	A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12 hour shifts."
	The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man shouts down, "Hey, no screwing!" 
	They shout back, "We're not screwing!"
	A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man shouts down, "Hey, no screwing!" 
	Again they shout back, "We're not screwing!" 
	Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man shouts down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" 
	They shout back, "We are NOT screwing!"
	Eventually, his shift over, and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. 
	He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are frantically fucking. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing."

Q: How can you tell from a tombstone that a Jewish mother is buried in the grave?
A: It reads, "I told you I was sick."

Q: Why did the toddler drop it's lollypop?
A: It got hit by a truck.

Q: How do you make a gay man pregnant?
A: Stick a dead baby up his ass.

	Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
	The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
	The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
	"I suck on a lifesaver." 
	After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Q: What is the authentic recipe for Mexican fajitas?
A: It starts out, "Steal two pounds of steak..."

	The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
	"Uh huh," said the old man.
	"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
	"Uh huh," said the old man.
	"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
	"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and
cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"

	A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said. "I guess I let myself go."
	The physician was checking her eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
	"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
	The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

	These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.
	The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."
	The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."
	The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!"

	The thirteen year old Arkansas girl was late for class, and her teacher asked, 
"Billi Sue, why are you so late today?"
	"My brother needed me."
	"Couldn't he have done whatever it was by himself?"
	"Yeah," Billi Sue answered, "but he says it just ain't the same by hand."

Q: Did you hear the one about the Irishman who couldn't find his glasses?
A: He drank out of the bottle instead.

Q: Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings?
A: To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during sex.

	Three men are sittin' on a bench.  One's a Texan wearing a Stetson, one's a Muslim terrorist wearing a turban,  and the last's an Apache with an eagle feather woven in his hair.
	The Indian is rather glum and says, "Once my people were many, but now  we are few."
	The Muslim terrorist puffs up and says,  "Once my people were  few, but now we are many millions."  
	The Texan adjusts his hat, finishes rolling a smoke, leans back in  his chair and drawls, "That's 'cause we ain't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

	Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn
multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
	Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!"
	Miss Rogers says, "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
	Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
	Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
	Little Johnny says, "Oh, No, Miss Rogers! You're thinking of a blowjob." 

	The J.A.P. whined to her husband, "So why don't you buy me a new mink coat?  I am 
always extremely cold."
	"So," replied her husband, "Why ask the question if you already know the answer?"

	The boss at a construction site was getting to lock up the group tool box, when one 
of his workers said, "Don't bother to lock it, boss."
	"Why not?"
	"Hah!  Did you ever hear of a nigger stealing something to work with?"

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: None. They are all true stories.

	Discovering one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Levine stopped to gently scold the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." 
	Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned." 

	A mother who was cleaning her teenage son's bedroom discovered a cache of S&M magazines 
under his bed.  She presented them to her husband and asked, "What should I do about this?"
	"Well, one thing's for sure," he said. "Don't give him a spanking."

	A teenage boy asked his father, "Dad, is it true there are places in Red China where 
a man doesn't know his wife until after they get married?"
	"Son, that happens in every country," his father sadly answered.

	A couple were having dinner at a restaurant when the wife noticed her ex drinking at 
the bar.  "Look at him!" she said smugly, "He's been drinking like that ever since I left 
him seven years ago!"
	"Don't be ridiculous, Dear," her husband said, "Nobody celebrates for that long."

	Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can  be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were
the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
	"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
	"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
	"Hmmm. Well, where do you catch'em?"
	"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
	"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"
	"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.  Then I  jump out, bite 'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
	"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing'left but lips and a briefcase!"

	A young man playing golf got hit in the crotch by a golfball, then went immediately 
to his doctor for treatment.  "Do whatever you can to help me, Doc," he pleaded, "I'm 
getting married in two days to a girl who is still a virgin."
	"I can treat you by putting your penis in a splint, but it won't heal completely for 
seven days."  The doctor proceeded with this course of treatment.
	The proceeded with his wedding without informing his fiancee of his accident.  On their 
first night she stood beside their wedding bed in her underwear and sensually removed her 
bra, revealing her perfect 40D rack.  "Look at my breasts, dear.  You are the first man 
ever to see them, and soon you will be fondling them," she smiled.
	Next she removed her panties and said, "Look at my vagina, dear.  You are the first man 
ever to see it, and soon you will be making love to it," she purred.
	Desperately the new husband tore off all his clothes and pointed to his ailing penis and 
said, "Look at my penis, dear!  It's still in the crate!"

Q: Why do blondes wear a ponytail?
A: To hide the valve stem.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's IQ?
A: With a tire gauge.

The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20500
Dear Concerned Citizen:
	Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
	My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. 
	In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks. Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side....no increase in the toilet paper bill! He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied.
	Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others." Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. 
	We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
	Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured that he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead. 
	Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 federal laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?
	Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
				Cordially,
				George W. Bush

Q: Why should you never feel sorry for nigger babies that are unwanted?
A: Because by the time they are fourteen, they'll be wanted in at least 5 States.

Q: What did the two Indian fakirs do after each bought a sack of nails?
A: They had a pillow fight.

Q: What, next to pedophilia, is the most difficult thing for the Catholic church to explain?
A: If Jesus were a Jew, why did He have a Puerto Rican name?

Well dere once was a story
'bout a man named Bill;
Da poor president
couldn't keep his willie still;
Den one day he was workin' at his desk,
When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest...
	Boobs, that is.
	Two of 'em.
	Bodacious ta ta's.
Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees,
Mouth open wide and as happy as you please;
Bill sez, "oh yeah now-don't say a thing,"
"If you do a good job then we'll have a little fling."
	Blow job, that is.
	Phalli osculation.
Well, Bill shot his load and it fell upon her dress,
He said, "Clean it up,'cuz you really are a mess,
And you're invited here to dis fine locality,
To have a heapin' helpin' of little Willie C."
	Da wiener, that is.
	Da presidential staff.
So week after week, Monica is on her knees
Keepin' Willie and his Wiener just as happy as you please,
But then she figured out dat the fling had gone too far,
And she blabbed it all to Linda Tripp who blabbed it all to Starr.
	Bad girl, that is.
	Cigars.
	Bodacious ta ta's.
Well it weren't too long till we all knew the score,
'bout da stuff dat went down behind da oval office door;
Da country's in da toilet and da people cry, "No More"
But if we oust da cheatin' jerk, den we gotta live with Gore.
	Boob, that is.
	Great big one.
	Head stuck up his rear.
So now ya know da story 'bout Bill our president,
Wonderin' if dis fling's gonna cost him every cent;
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly,
And stay outta trouble with dat bitch named Hillary.

Q: What did the Irish woman do when her doctor ordered her not to touch anything alcoholic?
A: She threw her husband out of the house. 

Q: How can you tell if the yuppie is Irish?
A: He has whiskey in his Water Pik. 

	A young man who had the job of collecting sperm from turkeys to use on other 
turkeys distinctly heard the turkey he approached, say, "Gobble, Gobble!"
	"Fuck you, fellah! You get a hand job just like all the rest!"

TRANSLATIONS OF PERSONAL AD LINGO:
Adventurous--will sleep with your friends.
Athletic--no tits.
Contagious smile--does lots of ecstacy.
Emotionally secure--heavily medicated.
Friendship first--reformed slut.

	A female policeman arrested a guy for drunk driving and advised him, "I have 
to warn you that anything you say will be held against you."
	"Your tits!" he replied.

Q: Why do witches not wear panties?
A: To get a better grip on their brooms.

Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline
stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
   A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right."
   An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."

	Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
	Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out
	Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
	Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children
	Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early
	Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive
	Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure
	Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing's in the bank
	Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television
	Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

Q: How can you tell which customer in the fancy restaurant is Irish?
A: He's the one trying to decide which wine goes best with whiskey.

Q: How do you know you've moved into the wrong neighborhood?
A: When you take your kid to school, you hear, "I be da principal."

Q: How did the welfare office know the caller was a Polack?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

Q: How can you tell if a guy really wants to be a loner?
A: He joins the LiberAl Gore fan club.

Q: How does Madonna manage to keep her youth?
A: She locks him in her closet during the day.

Q: Why is the Post Office raising the postage rates yet again?
A: They have to buy more "This Window Closed" signs.

Q: Exactly how much of New York City has been bought up by the Japanese?
A: Well, when you land at the airport, you have to take your shoes off.

Q: What was Satan's best selling point for the apple to Eve?
A: "Eat this, it will make your tits bigger."

	Tired of his low approval ratings for all his High Crimes and Misdemeanors, 
Slick Willie sent the head of the CIA for its very best field agent, who was flown 
in the next day.  Beelzebubba told the agent, "I understand you are the best in 
the business.  I want you to go to every major city in America and found out what 
the people really want to see happen here in the White House, so I will be able to 
leave some other legacy than impeachment."
	So the agent went out and performed his new assignment.  When he returned, Clintoniev 
asked him, "Did you learn the will of the people?"
	"Yes, Sir!"
	"Then let's do it."
	And the agent shot both him and Hillary the Hun.

Q: What did Slick my Willie Clinton have in common with a busy faggot?
A: In both cases, the source of their popularity was going down.

	An attractive young thing met her aunt downtown for lunch one
afternoon and during the meal, the older woman asked her
niece to deposit a paycheck for her at the bank where the
girl worked. On her way back from work, the girl was accosted
by a purse snatcher.
	"Help, help," she screamed at a passing cop. "That man has
taken my aunt's pay - he's taken my aunt's pay!"
	"Calm down, lady," said the cop. "Cut out the pig latin and tell me
exactly what happened."

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers. 

					COMPARING MEN WITH WOMEN:
		NICKNAMES -
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra, and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John go out for a night, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, PeanutHead, and Numb-Nuts.
		EATING OUT -
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John will each throw in $20, even though the total bill is only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
		MONEY -
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
		BATHROOMS -
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
		ARGUMENTS -
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
		CATS -
Women love cats. Men may say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
		FUTURE -
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
		SUCCESS -
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
		MARRIAGE -
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
		DRESSING UP -
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up only for weddings and funerals.
		NATURAL -
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
		OFFSPRING -
Ah, children! A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favourite foods, and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people crawling aroung on his floor.

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. 

Q: How can you tell a smart blonde from a dumb blonde?
A: The smart blondes have dark roots.

Q: How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
A: In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in his partner.

	As he got into bed the husband was very much in the mood,
but was hardly surprised when his wife pushed his hand off
her breast. "Lay off, honey. I have a headache."
	"Perfect!" he said without missing a beat. "I was just in
the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin."

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Your honor.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Domino's Pizza with the US Postal Service?
A: Pizzas that would be delivered four days late.

Q: What is the only thing more horrible than listening to LiberAl Gore make a speech?
A: Watching Rosie O'Donnell take off her clothes.

	As the young girl sat on Santa's knee, he said, "What would you like for Christmas, little girl?"
	"Some hairs on my pee-pee place," she replied.
	"Do you mind if they're white ones?" asked Santa.

Q: How can you tell if a guy is a truly sensitive, 90's type of Real Man?
A: He doesn't make his girlfriend blow him after he buttfucks her.

	The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want
everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it." 
	Claude says, "Perhaps, if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework." 
	The teacher says, "Very good, Claude." 
	Mary says, "The sky is very dark...perhaps it's going to rain." 
	The teacher says, "Very good, Mary." 
	She then calls on Dirty Johnny in the back. "John?" 
	Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher were hugging and both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were just gonna shit on the piano."

	A man doing a survey knocks on this door. "Hello!" he says, to the Downs Syndrome girl stood before him.  "Is your mother in?"
	"No," says the retard, "She's in an insane asylum."
	"Oh dear," the man answers, "Is your father in?"
	"No," replies the girl, "He's in prison."
	"Goodness," says the man.  "So your mother's in an insane asylum and your father's in prison."
	"That's right."
	"Have you got any brothers or sisters?"
	"I've got a brother."
	"Is he at home?"
	"No, he's at University."
	"Well, that's something," says the man.  "What's he doing there?"
	"He's in a jar."

Q: Which are the two best holes in a woman?
A: Her nostrils. Otherwise she could not breath while giving head.

Q: Name one way in which having a good shit better than sex?
A: Because you don't have to kiss it afterwards.

Q: Did you hear about the one time Hillary got raped?
A: She didn't know it until the check bounced.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: When lawyers die, why won't vultures eat them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

	A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing how
they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you, Jody," Bill said, "I'm a golf nut. I live,
eat, sleep and breathe golf." 
	"Well, since you're being honest, so will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker." 
	"I see." he said. Then, brightening, he smiled. "It's probably because 
you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

	The little girl said to Little Willie, "Do you want me to take all my clothes off
so you can play doctor?"
	"Fuck no," Little Willie answered, "I want you to spit out your gum so I can 
play President."

Q: Why do midgets' feet stink?
A: Because their feet are so close to their assholes.

Q: How do you tell the difference between an attorney and a rabid pit bull?
A: The jewelry.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.

	The black woman was fixing lunch one day when her illegitimate teenage boy-chile came in and said, "Mammy, will you take me to the zoo tomorrow?"
	"No," said his mammy, "If they wants you, they can come and gets you."

Q: Why did  the guy buy his wife a fur coat and a vibrator?
A: So if she didn't like the fur coat, she could use the vibrator to fuck herself.

Q: What does one lesbian vampire say to another?
A: See you next month.

Q: What is the difference between sex for money and sex for free?
A: Sex for money ultimately costs you less.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.

Q: What changes do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

	Things that you should never say to a woman during an argument: 
~ Don't you have some laundry to do or something? 
~ Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. 
~ You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread. 
~ Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? 
~ You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 
~ Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 
~ Whoa, time out. Football is on. 
~ Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning! 
~ Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? 
~ Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded.

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?
A: Senator.

Bumpersnicker: If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal?"

Q: Exactly how fat is Rosie O'Donnell?
A: Her charm bracelet is adorned with used license plates.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots, and nightcrawlers.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

	A new IRS investigator's first assignment is to audit an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
	The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory and every once in a while they send us a free candle."
	"And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"
	"We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzoh balls."
	The agent says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?
	"We send them to the IRS and every once in awhile they send us a little prick like you."

			Every Girl's Prayer
Lord:
	Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong,
One who's cock is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
	I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, is over-joyed.
Pulls out my chair, and opens my door,
Massages my back, and begs to do more.
	Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask, "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the head, the garden, and kitchen!
	I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to fuck my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jerk-off you sent me instead.
	Amen.

	A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. A grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." 
	"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll be sick or it might even kill him."  But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. 
	About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. 
	The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." 
	"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." 
	"Oh? What was it then?" 
	"I think it was the spin cycle."

Bumpersnicker: Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber NOT the toy

Bumpersnicker: No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning

	A man had been trying for years to meet the Pope. Finally, his wish
was granted. When the gentleman approached the Pope he said, "Your Eminence,
I am so happy to be given this chance to speak with you and I would like to
tell you a joke before I start."
	The Pope replied, "Of course my son. Go ahead and tell your joke."
	The man continued, "There were these two Pollacks and..."
	The Pope interrupted, "My son, do you realize that I am Polish?"
	"OK, then, I'll tell it more slowly . . ."

	Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
	"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. 
	"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"
	The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
	"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"  
	Dr. Smith says, "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."  Mr. Jones begins to sob.  "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.  "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails. The doctor continues, "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular
basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid.  Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.
	Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

Dear Sirs:
	I have the solution for preventing hijackings and, at the same time, getting our airline industry back on its feet.
	Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.  Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman and, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hopes of seeing a naked woman.
	We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have
record sales.  Now why can't Congress think like this?
	Sincerely,
	Bill Clinton

	A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
	Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's
collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars.
There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God
must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace the rest of our days."
	The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
	The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
	The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the
rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands
it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
	The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

	The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year- old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "George, why has your
school work been so poor lately?"
	"I'm in love," the boy replied.
	Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
	"With you," he said.
	"But George," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true
that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"No problemo," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

Bumpersnicker: If life deals you lemons...make lemonade. If it deals you tomatoes...make Bloody Marys.

Bumpersnicker: Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Q: Why is eight years old considered an awkward age for a boy?
A: He's is too old to suck on his mother's tit and too young to suck on anyone else's.

Q: How can a kid tell when his parents hate him?
A: When he sets the house on fire, he gets sent to his room.

Bumpersnicker: Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

Q: How do you tell if a bleach blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Bumpersnicker: HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER - LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW

Bumpersnicker: Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Bumpersnicker: He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
A: The blonde has the higher total sperm count.

	A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms.  He has
difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see
condoms on the shelf.
	Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places
his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill
next to it.
	The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the
deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them
in his pocket.  Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse
the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
	"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose,
you shouldn't bet."

Bumpersnicker: I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts...Do You Want Fries With That?

	After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama bin Laden made his way 
to the Pearly Gates.  There, he is greeted by George Washington. 
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. 
Washington, slapping bin Laden in the face.
	Patrick Henry comes up from behind.  "You wanted to end America's
liberty, so they gave you death."  Henry punches bin Laden in the face.
	James Madison comes up next and says, "This is why I allowed the 
federal Government to provide for the common defense," and kicks 
him in the groin.
	John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 67 other people
who have the same love for liberty and America subject him to
similar beatings.
	As bin Laden writhes in pain on the ground, Thomas Jefferson
picks him up and hurls him back to the gate to be judged.
	Awaiting his journey to his final very hot destination, bin Laden
screams, "This is not what I was promised!"
	An angel replies, "Mohammed promised you there would be 72
Virginians waiting for you.  What did you think he said?"

Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: A refund.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You can only fit two people in a Porsche.

				Penis Talk
	I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
				Dear Penis,
	After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have  raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
	Sincerely, The Management

Q: Why does a fag like to wear a handlebar moustache?
A: It covers up the stretch marks on his mouth, and saves wear and tear on his ears.

Q: What is another name for a queer 69?
A: A double-header.

Q: What do blondes and screen doors have in common?
A: The harder you slam them, the looser they get.

Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
A: If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None.  They screw in cars.

Bumpersnicker: Procrastinate Now

Q: How can you tell if the nurse is a blonde?
A: She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.

	A dietician asked, "There is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have
eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
	A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: What is so terrible about being a faggot?
A: It's strictly a hind-to-mouth existence.

Daffynition: Mandate - what one faggot has with another.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: Did you hear the one about the girl who said she would do anything for
a fur coat? 
A: Now she's got one and can't button it.

	Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he
decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said
the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can
read your love line and tell your romantic future."
	Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his
open palm and said, "I can see that you have no
girlfriend."
	"That's true," said Paul.
	"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
	"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can
you tell all of this from my love line?"
	"Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters."

	One day at work, Joe said to his boss, "Sir, I need to get tomorrow off.  My wife 
is going to have a baby." And his boss granted his request.
	When two days later Joe walked into work, his boss asked, "So, was it a boy or a girl?" 
	"We won't know for nine months."

	Three men, an Italian, a Jew, and a Polack, are comparing notes about their respective 
daughters. 
	The Italian relates, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found 
a carton of cigarettes.  And I didn't even know my daughter smoked."
	The Jew says, "That's nothing, I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I 
found a full bottle of whiskey.  And I didn't even know my daughter drank." 
	The Polack says, "I can top both of those.  I was cleaning my daughter's room the other 
day and I found a pack of condoms.  And I didn't even know my daughter had a cock." 

Q: If a straight guy who can't get a date is called a loser, what is a fag who can't get a date called?
A: A poor sucker.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

	Visiting a lawyer for advice, Lisa said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband Richard is getting a little queer to sleep with." 
	"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
	"No, he doesn't," replied Lisa, "and neither does the little queer."

Q: Where do you find a no-legged dog?
A: Right where you left him.

				The Male Stages of Life
	AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta
	AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.
	AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping
	AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
	AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an airplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
	AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
	AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place."
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

Q: What is a good clue that a guy is a fag?
A: When he gets invited to an Adam and Eve costume party, he goes as a leaf blower.

	Two doctors were discussing a third.  "I think Dr. Smith, the new guy, 
has homophobic tendencies," said the first.
	"He's just normal," said the second doctor, "and all normal guys don't like
faggots."
	"No, I think it goes beyond simple dislike."
	"Why?  What makes you say that about him?"
	"Well, you know that queer that he treated for trying to commit suicide by 
taking an overdose of sleeping pills?  Well, the course of treatment he recommended 
for the queer was that he get some rest and call him the next day."

Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.

	A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
	The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to
ask the stewardess. So the boy walked down the aisle and
asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
	The stewardess the young man, "Did your mother
tell you to ask me that?" 
	He said that she had. 
	The stewardess knelt down and whispered in the little boy's ear, "Tell your
mother that it's because Southwest always pulls out on time."

	Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day:
		The first worm, in alcohol---dead.
		Second worm, in cigarette smoke---dead.
		Third worm, in sperm---dead.
		Fourth worm, in soil---alive.
	The Moral: As long as you drink, smoke, and have sex, you won't get worms.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: "Dam."

Q: What's the difference between an oral and rectal thermometers?
A: The taste.

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa.

Bumpersnicker: Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much
more can be achieved with a smile and a gun.

Bumpersnicker: The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying
there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but
why don't we just take the safety lables off of everything
and let the problem solve itself?

Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

		TEN WRONG THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOU CAN'T GET IT UP:
10. Must be sunspots.
9. I'm too tired from banging my secretary.
8. My pump blew a gasket.
7. If you turn the game on, I'm sure it will rise.
6. I forgot to fill my prescription.
5. I guess this means you don't really love me.
4. I dunno, worked fine with your sister.
3. I just want to satisfy you, baby.
2. Oops...I already came.
1. I guess the stench killed him.

		SIGNS YOU ARE DEFINITELY GETTING OLD:
* You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
* You can live without sex but not without glasses.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* You are proud of your lawn mower.
* Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking
any laws.
* You call Olan Mills before they call you.
* Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
* You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
* You make an appointment to see the dentist.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* Neighbors borrow your tools.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
* You have a dream about prunes.
* You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
* You send money to PBS.
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants
* You take a metal detector to the beach.
* You wear black socks with sandals.
* You know what the word "equity" means.
* You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
* Your ears are hairier than your head.
* You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* You got cable for the weather channel. ("Old Folks MTV.")
* You can go bowling without drinking.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize.

Bumpersnicker: Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

		WHAT ARE CATS?
Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater for their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
	Conclusion: They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Bumpersnicker: Rehab Is for Quitters

Bumpersnicker: My Dog Can Lick Anyone

		TEN WRONG BRAND NAMES FOR CONDOMS:
10. EZ-Off.
9. Baby Maker.
8. Hole in One.
7. Pencil Case.
6. Impudent.
5. Quick Response.
4. Outburst.
3. True Grit.
2. Dry Run.
1. Lorena.

Q: What does Hannibal Lecter typically want for breakfast?
A: Kevin Bacon and eggs.

Q: Who is the world's greatest salesman?
A: The man who can make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her bra and panties 
in his car.

	A midget guy goes into an elevator, looks up, and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the midget and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." 
	The midget faints. The big dude picks up the midget and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks,"What's wrong with you?" 
	The midget says, "Excuse me, but WHAT did you say?" 
	The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown." 
	"Oh, Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."

		TEN WRONG PICKUP LINES TO USE ON BRITNEY SPEARS:
10. Do you need help massaging your new breasts?
9. Let me be your "backstreet" boy.
8. Sometimes I wear red vinyl, too.
7. I'm writing my dissertation on your lyrics, and I have a few questions.
6. I'll show you my scar if you show me yours.
5. I've been hot for you since you were a mouseketeer.
4. Well, Hel-LO, there, Christina!
3. Baby, I got your big mac right here!
2. Need help with that algebra homework?
1. Hit me baby one more time.

Q: How can you tell you'r in a lesbian-run Baskin and Robbins?
A: They hand you the cone upside down, and it always has hair on it.

Q: How can you tell you're in a lesbian-run Baskin and Robbins?
A: The flavor of the month is anchovy.

		TEN THINGS YOU WISH SHE WOULDN'T SAY WHILE HAVING SEX:
10. See, Monistat doubles as a lubricant.
9. Maybe you should put your clothes back on.
8. Would you just hold me?
7. Guess you forgot to take your Viagra again.
6. Doesn't it feel natural? My surgeon is a genius.
5. Be careful, you're crushing my crabs.
4. Move your head I can't see the TV.
3. Your dad's so much better than this.
2. If you feel any rough spots, don't worry, it's just warts.
1. Is it in yet?

		TEN THINGS YOU WISH SHE'D SAY AFTER GIVING YOU A BLOWJOB:
10. Gee, that's yummy.
9. How much do I owe you?
8. I'm gonna tell all my friends how great you are!
7. You really quenched my thirst.
6. Lets pop my cherry next!
5. You make a great pacifier.
4. You're so huge, I could barely get you in my mouth.
3. More, please.
2. Oops! I spilled some! I'll just save it for later.
1. I'm drinking milk for good.
	
	"I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient, "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
	"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
	"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
	Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."   Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too and, again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
	"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
	But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.
	"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
	"But... how do I piss?"
	"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
	So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
	"What?"
	"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"
	So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, it could be the dye from your blue jeans that has caused all these coloration problems." 

	A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
	The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences.  After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. 
	The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban." The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
	Eventually the one wounded Taliban survivor crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, they're lying - it's a trap. There's actually two of them."

		TEN BAD NICKNAMES FOR YOUR PENIS:
10. Old Softie.
9. Warthog.
8. Tiny Tim.
7. The Stinky Twinkie.
6. Limpy.
5. Slowpoke.
4. Two Stroke Engine.
3. Droopy Dog.
2. The Big Dripper.
1. Mr. Syphilis.

		TEN BAD NICKNAMES FOR HER VAGINA:
10. Stinkhole.
9. Black Hole Of Calcutta.
8. Cock Socket.
7. Pink Taco.
6. Bottomless Pit.
5. Dead Clam.
4. Cum Crack.
3. Hatchet Wound.
2. Raison d'Etre.
1. Cunt.

	The 18 year old girl told her mother she was now pregnant, and added, 
"It's all your fault, too."
	"How can you say that?" her mother said, "I taught you all about the 
facts of life!"
	"Yeah, but you never showed me how to give a decent blow job, did you?"

		TEN HINTS SHE MIGHT BE A LESBIAN:
10. Won't stop searching for your clit.
9. Call your penis "putrid man meat."
8. Strange messages from Janet Reno on the answering machine.
7. Vomits every time you have sex.
6. Has "Lisa" tattooed on her ass.
5. Makes you wear a kd lang mask while you do it.
4. Begs you to get breast implants.
3. Gets moist at seafood restaurants.
2. Yells out your sister's name during sex.
1. Tuna breath.

		TEN HINTS HE MIGHT BE A FAGGOT:
10. Vomits every time he sees you naked.
9. Wants you to wear a fake beard when you make love.
8. Named his dog Prada.
7. Keeps referring to the sauna at his gym as "the baths."
6. Calls his proctologist a "male gynocologist."
5. Tells you that wall sconces will really brighten up the room.
4.Looks like he just ate a glazed donut.
3. Gets you a Playgirl subscription for your birthday.
2. Calls your strap-on dildo his boyfriend.
1. The big pink triangle on his t-shirt.

Q: Why are married women always fatter than single women?
A: Because single women open their refrigerator, see what they have, and go 
to bed.  In bed, married women see what they have, then go to the refrigerator.

	A boy was beating off in the bathtub when his father walked in on him and 
said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind."
	"Hey, Dad," he answered, "I'm over here."

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola. (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do." Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one." 

Q: Why are faggots considered so polite?
A: Because they'll give their seat to anyone.

Q: If newleyweds use KY jelly, what do old maids use?
A: Banana oil.

Q: What should a woman say to a man with whom she has just had sex?
A: It makes no difference.  He's sleeping.

Q: What is the best thing about having sex with a homeless broad?
A: Afterwards, you can drop her off just anywhere.

	A guy goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "I'm afraid that I've
got some good news and some bad news for you."
	"Tell me the good news first, Doc," the man says.
	"Your cock is going to get two inches longer and a whole inch wider,"
the doctor states.
	"That's fantastic, Doc! What's could be bad news after that?"
	"It's malignant."

Q: What happens when an old maid discovers a cucumber in your house?
A: She snatches it.

Q: How is a man like a TV commercial?
A: You can't believe either one, and they both last less than a minute.

			THINGS NOT TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE:
"Sure you'll get your figure back...we'll just search 1985 where you left
it."
"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
"What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can
handle a baby coming out."
"Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"
"Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that
Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta
hurt."
"Got milk?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

	A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she
yelled, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's
a damn Republican on my front porch and he's playing with
himself."
	"What?" the operator exclaimed.
	"I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing
with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid!
Please send the police!" the little old lady said.
	"Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican?"
	"Because, you damn fool, if he were a Democrat, he'd be
screwing somebody!"

	Guy one meets guy two in a bar.  Guy two says, "What have you been up to today?"
	"Well, I have been shopping for a present for my mother, who is 97 years old.
She is almost blind, her arms shake uncontrollably, and falls to the floor every time she 
tries to stand up."
	"Holy shit!" says Guy Two, "What can you give someone who has all that wrong 
her?"
	"A can of floor wax."

Q: How did the priest get into trouble?
A: Every night he invited the altar boy in for organ practice.

I date this girl for two years...and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." 

	A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would
like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer."
	The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
	To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

Q: Why don't men have mid-life crises?
A: They stay stuck in adolescence.

		THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED WOMAN:
Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie...right?
Would you mind rolling around in this flour?
So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off?
Maybe if I get really wasted I won't mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.

	A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland the
class wiseguy, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and Mom
said it was contagious." 
	"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
	Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says that
there's a bug going around, and it's contagious." 
	"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
	Little Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting
her house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious."

Q: What is the positive aspect of being a kleptomaniac?
A: You can always take something for it.

Q: How would you describe the average cannibal?
A: As a man who had a wife and ate children.

Q: What's a man's idea of housework?
A: Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?                    A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Women are like guns - keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it. 

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A: Consider their source...not a single one ever stops to ask for directions.

					Da 12 Ebonics Days O' Crimmus
=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=*=* 
		On de fert dey o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! A 78 Cutless Supreme! 
		On de secont dey o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! too gold teefs an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de therd dey o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! tree hot wings, too gold teefs an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de fort dey o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! fo pigs feets, tree hot wings, too gold teefs, an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de fit dey of Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! FIVE BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feet, tree hot wings, too gold teefs, an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de scixt dey o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! a scix pack a forties, FIVE
BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feets, tree hot wings, too gold teefs an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de sibint day o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! sebin hommies chillin, a scix pack a forties, FIVE BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feets, tree hot wings, too gold teefs an a 78 cutless supreme! 
		On de ate dey o Crimmus ma boo dun give to me!! ate pimps a pimpin', sebin homies chillin, scix pack a forties, FIVE BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feets, tree hot wings, too gold teefs an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de nite day o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! nyne playa haters, ate pimps a
pimpin', sebin hommies chillin, scix pack a forties, FIVE BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feet, tree hot wings, too gold teefs, an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de tint dey o Crimmus my boo dun give ta me!! tin freaks a freakin, nyne playa haters, ate pimps a pimpin', sebin hommies chillin, a scix pack a forties, FIVE BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feets, tree hot wings, too gold teefs, an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de levint dey o Crimmus ma boo dun give ta me!! levin jacked up hoopties,
tin freaks a freakin, nyne playa haters, ate pimps a pimpin, sebin hommies
chillin, a scix pack a forties, FIVE BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feets, tree hot
wings, too gold teefs an a 78 cutlass supreme! 
		On de twelt day o Crimmus my boo dun give ta me!! twelb gubmint cheez, levin jacked up hoopties, tin freaks a freakin, nyne playa haters, ate pimps a pimpin, sebin hommies chillin, scix pack a forties, FIVE BAGS O WEED!!!! fo pigs feets, tree hot wings, too gold teefs, an a 78 cutlass supreme!


		Subject: 'Twas the Night Before Ramadan

'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave
Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave.
The turbans were hung by the firepit with care,
In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there.

The soldiers were restless without any beds,
While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads.
Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap,
Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter's nap,

When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter.
Away from the racket I ran like a girl,
Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl.

The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow
And lit up the valley with an ominous glow,
When, what to my one good eye should appear,
But a dozen Apaches, and tanks in the rear.

And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push,
I knew in an instant it must be George Bush.
More rapid than eagles his forces they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names;

"Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul!
We come for you now; we've taken Kabul!
To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves!
When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!"

As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky.
So up to the ledge his forces they flew
With full magazines, and flamethrowers too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a thud
The explosions of Tomahawks; not one was a dud.
As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around,
Osama was there, disguised in a gown.

He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes,
And he said he would flee while I held off his foes;
A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack,
He said "I'm going to Baghdad and I'm not looking back!"

His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear;
The American bombs, they rang in his ears.
He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled,
But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head.

I watched with cold fear as his body did slump;
The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump.
And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed,
About to suffer a fate I could not avoid;

I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help,
His voice boomed in my ears, "You ignorant whelp!
I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran,
But you were too arrogant to understand,

I told you to honor your neighbors and wives;
Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives!
You invoke My name to sanction your deeds,
But you are the last thing that this world needs.

And so, I'll send you and bin Laden to Hell."
The last words I heard, as the bombs fell,
Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall,
"One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!"

Q: How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes her hole weak.

					MALE v. FEMALE DICTIONARY:
	THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
	VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
	COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
	BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and passing gas.
	COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
	REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
	TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to throwing it out.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: How does a man define a 50/50 relationship?
A: She cooks/he eats, she cleans/he soils, she irons/he wrinkles.

Q: Why did the vampire always travel the I-5 freeway?
A: Because it was billed as the main arterial.

Q: Why are all proctologists depressed?
A: Because they always have the end in sight.

Q: Whats more fun that spinning a baby on clothes line?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.

Q: What was the reasoning behind the female dentist's trip to a singles bar every weekend?
A: She thought that it was her turn to get drilled.

Q: What did the plastic surgeon with a small dick do?
A: Hung himself.

Q: Why do all deaf doctors specialize in gynecology?
A: Because they are naturally good at reading lips.

Q: What word do you shout to make a group of lawyers smile for their photograph?
A: Sue!

Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they are ugly and they smell.

Q: What do blondes and the bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They both swallow alot of "seamen."

Q: Why do so many cannibals have diarrhea? 
A: They eat too many "fruits" and "vegetables."

Q: What happened when the cannibal entered the restaurant that advertised itself 
as "All You Can Eat?"
A: He had the waiter, two busboys, and the cook.

	A beautiful, young, megababe was talking with her psychiatrist, and said,
"Doctor, I can't believe how much you have helped me.  I want you to kiss me, 
please."
	"I'm sorry," he replied, "but ethically, I am not supposed to do that.  Why, 
technically speaking, I probably shouldn't even be lying here on top of you, naked."

Q: What happens to you if you attend a cannibal religious ceremony?
A: You will be thoroughly stirred.

Q: Did you hear about the girl who was both a nymphomaniac and a cannibal?
A: Every time she ate a guy, she made sure she got the bone.

Q: Why couldn't the rabbit ever get laid?
A: He was a hare too short.

Q: What does a male cat call the female cat's private parts?
A: Her "woman?"

Q: What's the horniest animal in the world, and why?
A: A camel, because he can go for weeks without water, but not a day without a hump.

Q: Why do black guys like pussy so much?
A: Because the inside looks like watermelon and the outside smells like catfish.

Q: What's red and white and goes 'round and 'round?
A: A baby in a blender.

Q: How do you get 1000 dead babies in a phone booth?
A: Use a blender.

Q: How do you get them out?
A: With a straw.

Daffynition: Screwing "froggy style" - Keep hoppin' on until you're ready to croak.

	The chicken and the pig were discussing business possibilities over a couple of beers 
one night.  The chicken said, "Hey, I know!  Let's open up a ham and egg restaurant!"
	"Harumph!" snorted the pig, "That's easy for YOU to say.  That's just one day's work 
for you, but for me that's a life and death proposition!"

	A gorilla was sitting in his cage, alternately reading from the Bible and Darwin's 
Origin of the Species.  A man standing outside his cage asked him why he did so. 
	"Because I am trying to decide if I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

Q: How can you tell if a guy is a hardened pervert?
A: When he sees an elephant, he says, "Wow!  A perfect 536-324-536!"

	The ambassador from Arabia, who watched every "Star Trek" rerun there was, asked President  
Bush, "Why is it that on 'Star Trek' there are all kinds of people - Asians, 
whites, blacks, and even one green Vulcan, but never any Children of Allah, never any 
Muslims? Can you explain that to me?"
	"Yes, I can.  You see, 'Star Trek' takes place in the future..."

Q: What is an enigma?
A: Why is it that the male flasher wears a trenchcoat, while the female flasher is 
the one who has the trench.

Q: What does it really signify when a girl is "dressed to kill?"
A: She wants some guy to fuck her to death.

Daffynition: Orgy Sandwich - A weiner with everything on it.

Q: What did the hooker say to her one-legged John?
A: Hop in.

Q: What do a nymphomaniac's legs have in common with the US Army?
A: They're both open to all males age 18 to 39.

Daffynition: Pimp - A guy who tells other guys where to get off.

Q: What is a sure sign that a woman is really desperate?
A: When she visits prisons to volunteer for conjugal visits.

Bad news: After being forced to marry the ugliest woman in the world, you get a sex 
change so that you will never have to fuck her.
Worse news: Discovering she is a lesbian.

	A young man was swimming in the South Pacific when he encountered a group of beautiful
mermaids.  He swam over to them and said to the large-breasted, red-headed one, "I would 
really love to join you."
	"Sorry," she answered, "we don't have any openings."

Q: What did the dyslexic cop do when he arrested some topless dancers?
A: He put them behind bras.

Q: Why is there no such thing as a virgin forest?
A: Because every tree, to grow, must first take root.

Q: What is white from above and black up close?
A: A cotton field.

Q: What is worse than 10 dead babies in a garbage can?
A: One dead baby in a ten garbage cans.

	News services are reporting that Osama bin Laden has been captured by U.S. Special Forces. In a covert operation, the entire country of Afghanistan was sprayed with Viagra and the little prick popped right up. 
	Film at 11:00. 

Q: What is the difference between an "X" rated and "R" rated movie?
A: The "X" rated movie has no plot, but several climaxes.

Q: How is a guy in a singles bar like a movie producer?
A: He always promises the girl a bigger part than she is going to get.

	The brief story of a Young Japanese student who recently moved to the U.S. from Japan in History class:
	It was the week of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, "'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" 
	She saw a sea of blank faces except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
	"Very good!" The teacher said, "Who coyly lied, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'" 
	Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Aggressor Abe Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.
	The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
	Everyone heard a loud whisper, "Fuck the Japanese."
	"Who said that?" she demanded.
	Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
	At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
	The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
	Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
	Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 
	Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton,
to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
	Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit!  If you ever say anything else, I will have you killed!"
	Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001!"
    And the teacher fainted.

Daffynition: Quarter Pounder - A two-bit massage parlor whore.

Q: What's the only reliable way to find out if a girl's a virgin?
A: The hard way.

					Taliban TV Schedule
		MONDAYS
8:00  Husseinfeld
8:30  Mad About Everything
9:00  Monday Night Stoning
9:30  Win Bin Laden's Money
10:00 Eye for an Eye Witness News
		TUESDAYS
8:00  Wheel of Terror and Fortune
8:30  The Price Is Right If Osama Says It's Right
9:00  Children Are Forbidden from Saying the Darndest Things
9:30  Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 My Mullah the Car
		WEDNESDAYS
8:00  Beat the Press
8:30  Whose Jihad Is It Anyway?
9:00  Married with 139 Children
9:30  Just Shoot Everything
10:00 Veil Watch
		THURSDAYS
8:00  Osama and Grace
8:30  Who Wants to  Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
9:00  Veronica's Closet Full of Long Black Shapeless Dresses and Veils
9:30  Spongebob Squareturban
10:00 Camel 54, Where Are You?
		FRIDAYS
8:00  Judge Omar
8:30  Teletalibans
9:00  People Condemned to Death Say the Darndest Things
9:30  Cave and Garden Television
10:00 Allah McBeal

			Her side of the story: 
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. 
I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have 
been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised. He didn't say 
anything about it. The conversation was very slow, so I thought we should go 
somewhere more intimate and talk privately. We went to a restaurant and he 
was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up. I started to wonder 
whether it was me, or something else. I asked him, and he said no. I wasn't 
really sure. In the car, on the way back home, I said that I loved him 
deeply. He just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that 
meant because he didn't say it back. We finally got home and I was wondering 
if he was going to leave me! So, I tried to get him to talk, but he just 
switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to bed. After about 10 
minutes, he joined me. To my surprise, we made love. He still seemed really 
distracted. Afterwards, I just wanted to confront him, but I cried myself to 
sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I really think he is seeing 
someone else. 
			His side of the story: 
The Mariners lost. Got laid though. 

	A woman was looking at the display case in an adult bookstore.  The clerk 
said, "Perhaps you would like to look at our most realistic dildoe."
	"Oh, you mean one that is exactly like a man's penis?"
	"Yes.  After you've used it for three minutes, it goes limp for the rest 
of the night."

Q: What is the difference between a whore and a nympho?
A: Only the nympho will ever use the words, "Please feel free."

Q: Why is dating so stressful?
A: Because when you're not getting screwed, you're getting screwed.

Daffynition: Singles Bar - Where girls go to look for husbands, and husbands go 
to look for girls.