Q: How can you tell when a guy's a real loser? A: When his idea of swinging is switching hands. Daffynition: Bad Luck - Your best friend runs away with your wife. Worse Luck - Your best friend runs away without your wife. A young man walked into the doctor's waiting roomed and noticed the only other patient present was an older dude. "Wh-wh-wh-why are y-y-you h-h-h-h-here," he stuttered. "I have a prostate problem." "A p-p-p-prostate p-p-problem? Wh-wh-wh-what's th-that?" the young man asked. "That means I piss like you talk." Q: How can you tell the difference between a male seed and a female seed? A: You have to stroke a female seed a bunch of times before you plant it. A girl saw that her friend, just returned from her honeymoon, looked dejected. "What's the matter, Sue? Something wrong with your honeymoon?" "It wasn't long enough." "What? A whole week wasn't long enough?" "No... I T wasn't long enough." Q: How is a car miraculous? A: Because you can only get 2 in the front seat, but you can get 69 in the back seat. Q: Who does the female movie producer always date? A: The actor with the biggest part. Q: Why do men get married? A: Most women are very irritating, but as a hole, they're necessary. Q: How is a blonde like a sailboat in the wind? A: When a stiff one comes up, she rolls over. Q: How does a redneck load up the dishwasher? A: Gets his girlfriend drunk. Blonde's Daffynition: Bisexual - Every time someone buys her something, she gets sexual. Q: Why do women spend more time improving their appearances than improving their minds? A: Because most men are stupid, but only a few of them are blind. A rather ordinary guy enters a furrier accompanied by the most beautiful redhead on the whole planet. He asks to see the furrier's most expensive item, which promptly proves to be a full-length mink coat. When the furrier says it costs $70,000, the man says, "Not a problem. I'll write you a check." "Excellent!" the furrier exclaims, "Since today is Friday, you may come back on Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared the bank." When Monday afternoon arrives, the man returns and the furrier is furious, "How dare you come back here! There was not a single cent in that account you wrote my check on!" "True," the man smiles, "I just came back to thank you for the best weekend I've ever had in my life!" Q: What is the Taliban's national bird? A: Duck! Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52! F-16! B-1! A-10!.... Q: What do Osama Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common? A: Nothing...yet. Q: Why did the hooker give herself the street name of "Checkers?" A: Because every time a john jumped her, he felt like a king. Two guys hire a hooker to raise their "morale." The first one whips out his dick, which is a whopping ten inches long. The hooker smiles eagerly, and starts to blow him. Then the second guy takes out his dick, which is only five inches long. "Who's this guy?" she asks number one. Number one answers, "That's my half-brother." A rather attactive young lady was conducting a survey in a supermarket, and approached a young man to ask, "Exuse me, but I was wondering if you could tell me, what is the number one thing you look for in a movie?" "Pull down your pants," he replied. "Whatever for?" "I just want to see," he smiled, "if you have one." Daffynition: Pole Vault - a safe place where she can lock up her dildoes. Daffynition: True Love - the emotion you experience when you have a hardon. An old drinking buddy asked his friend at the bar, "Is it true, Pete, that you now have 13 kids?" "Now it's 14." "Holy shit! Are you oversexed, or how would you explain it?" "Believe it or not," Pete said, "I attribute it to the fact that my wife is hard of hearing. You see, every night when we go to bed, I ask her, 'So, do you just want to got to sleep, or what?' And she always answers back, 'What?'" Q: Why do nudists always have the best parties? A: On the dancefloor, you can see things are really swinging. Q: Why is Lisa Marie divorcing Micheal Jackson? A: He came home with crayon on his collar. A Polack on a date halfway through dinner asks the girl, "Will you marry me?" "I think you deserve to know," she says, "that I am a nymphomaniac." "Shit! I don't care if you steal, just don't cheat on me." Q: What one word best describes the person sleeping on the wet spot? A: Overcome. Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer. "You will die on an American holiday." "Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously. "It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!" A guy invites a girl home from a bar. As they approach his door, she says, "You know, I can tell a lot about a lover from the way he opens his door. If he shoves the key in the lock and flings open the door, I know he's too rough. If he fumbles forever getting the key into the lock, I know he's no good. What is your technique?" "Well, first I lick the lock." Q: What is the difference between a good stewardess and a great stewardess? A: A good stewardess says, "Good morning, Captain." A great stewardess says, "It's morning, Captain." Q: What happened to the massage parlor hooker who rubbed her customers the wrong way? A: Instead of coming, they went. Q: What is the numeric difference between a hooker and a sperm bank? A: On the average day, the hooker gets more deposits. Q: How can you tell if your date is Really Ugly? A: You take her out to dinner, and the waiter puts her food on the floor. How to teach a blonde math: Subtract her pants, divide her legs, look for the tan, add a length, give her a square root, calculate the velocity, yield a load, profit from the experience, hope she doesn't multiply. Q: Why do blondes like their cars to have sun roofs? A: More leg room. An eskimo is out one day riding on his snowmobile. When all of a sudden it starts sputtering, and smoking. He takes it to the mechanic so that he can fix it. After a few minutes... the mechanic comes back and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." The eskimo replies, "No! That's just frost on my mustache." Q: How can you tell if a guy is a real loser? A: When he hires a whore, she takes one look at him and says, "Not on the first date." A guy was sitting in a bar when he was joined by an old friend. "What are you doing here, Pete?" the friend asked. "I had a fight with my wife, just for being honest." "Really? What happened?" "She asked me what she could do to increase my interest in sex, and I said, 'Leave town.'" Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new group? A: It's called the Jackson 5 and under. The other day, while I was talking with a friend, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, "Big tits." He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship." So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits." "No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?" He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big." Q: What do a whore and a cattle rancher have in common? A: They both raise meat. "I saw you downtown this afternoon while I was shopping," the wife confronted her husband. "I saw you go into a motel room with that beautiful, stacked, young redhead. I want an explanation, and I want the truth!" "Well, make up your mind," he said. "Which do you want?" Bumpersnicker: My Other Ride is Your Girlfriend. PMS has three meanings: Pre Menstrual Syndrome, Post Menstrual Syndrome, And Present Menstrual Syndrome. In other words, our lives with women are constantly a living HELL! Q: What is the difference between a new Mercedes and an occupied baby carriage? A: The baby carriage is l a s t year's fun on wheels. Q: Why was the blonde co-ed nicknamed "Turnpike?" A: Because once you got on, you never had to stop. A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says, "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The woman's face goes blank. "No honey- I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while." The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode. The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." Q: How can you tell if it is really, truly cold in your house? A: It cures your girlfriend's headache. Q: What do you say when you see your TV floating around at night? A: "Drop it, nigger." The trouble with lawyer jokes is, the lawyers don't think they are funny and no one else thinks they are jokes. Q: Who are the two most famous women in real black history? A: Aunt Jemima and Mutha Fuckah. Daffynition: Surprise - A fart with a lump in it. Daffynition: Reckless - Entering a Polish pizza parlor and ordering one with "everything." Q: What is more fun than stapling dead babies to the wall? A: Pulling them off. Daffynition: Menstrual flow - The quimsom tide. Daffynition: Pocket pool - What a mother kangaroo has until her children are toilet trained. Q: What is a blonde who stands on her head? A: A brunette who smells bad. A young woman who was new to golf was playing her first round when a bee stung her on her leg. She immediately headed back to the clubhouse and ran into her instructor. "Why are you back so early?" he queried. "Because I just got stung by a bee." "Where?" "Between the first and second hole," she informed him. "Ah," he nodded knowingly, "then your stance is too wide." Q: How can a woman tell when it is time to stop breast feeding her son? A: When he starts selling meal tickets to his friends. A priest and a rabbi walking together down the sidewalk want a drink, but neither one had the money to buy one. Outside a bar, the priest said, "Watch me and follow my lead." The priest went in and ordered a drink, and when the bartender asked him to pay for it, he said, "Why, my son, I already did!" "Oh, forgive me father," the bartender answered, "I must have forgotten you paid." Almost immediately, it was the rabbi's turn. He ordered a drink, and when the bartender asked him to pay he replied, "Why, my son, I already did!" "Oh, forgive me rabbi. That is the second time today I have made that mistake." "No offense," the rabbi smiled, "just give me the change from my twenty I gave you, and I'll be on my way." Q: How can you tell when a girl is too fat to fuck? A: When you pull down her pants and her pussy is still in them. A couple are walking in the woods when Jack gets aroused and tells Jill that he wants to have sex with her. "OK, Jack, but let me take a pee first." "Go right over there behind that bush," he instructs her. And she does. Soon Jack gets excited by the though of Jill, bottomless, and can't resist any longer, so he reaches around the bush, feels her leg, and runs upward until he gropes something long and thick between her legs. "Holy shit, Jill! Don't tell me you changed your sex!" "No, I changed my mind. I'm taking a shit." Q: What is a shithead? A: A brown-noser with no brakes. It was the hooker's time of month, but that did not stop her from working, anyway. She insisted that the hayseed farmer she was with fuck her in complete darkness, and as soon as the lights were out removed her protective sponge and put it on the nightstand next to the bed. Unbeknownst to her, the farmer spat out his plug of chewing tobacco and placed it right next to her sponge in the darkness. In a short while, after he finished, she reached for the sponge and mistakenly picked up and inserted instead his tobacco. This caused immediate irritation, and she screamed, "You bastard! My pussy is itching! You must have given me VD!" The farm boy turned on the lights and said, "That ain't nothin', you dirty whore!" Spitting out her sponge, he said, "You gave me TB!" Q: What is the difference between misery, agony, and true horror? A: Misery - being stranded on a desert island. Agony - being stranded on a desert island with terrible hemorrhoids. True Horror - both of the above plus a sex-crazed male gorilla. Q: What is the best way to get even with your wife? A: Dip her vibrator in tabasco sauce. Q: What is the definition of bad luck? A: Reaching for your penis enlarger in the dark and grabbing the blender instead. Q: How did the lawyer get blood on his face? A: A mosquito bit him, then threw up and flew away. Q: How did the necrophiliac introduce himself to girls he really liked? A: He would just show up and knock them dead. Q: How did the teenager know he had really bad acne? A: His dog called him Spot. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look pal, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." Q: What is a redneck's definition of meat that is "well" done? A: Cooked long enough so that the tire marks have all disappeared. Q: Where does a redneck go for take-out food? A: Highway 101. Q: What is the advantage to being both a cannibal and an abortionist? A: You never have to go out for lunch. Q: How can you tell if a kid is from Somalia? A: His pet is a tapeworm. Q: What was the content of the loveletters the necrophiliac always mailed? A: "Eventually yours." Q: How can you tell if a pervert is also a pedophile? A: Instead of herpes, he gets a diaper rash. Q: What is a good clue that a hospital patient has AIDS? A: When you see them administering his shots with a dart gun. Q: What should you do to your girlfriend when she is bad and forgets her birth control pill? A: Give her a good tongue lashing, of course. The stock clerk inside the grocer store approached to help a man who had been going around inside the store yelling, "Crisco! Crisco!" and informed him that that particular product was against the back wall. "No, you don't understand," the man said, "I am just looking for my wife." "You call your wife 'Crisco'?" "Only in public places. At home I refer to her as 'Lardass'." A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear." Q: Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas? A: Everyone there has the same DNA. MOST IRONIC CELEBRITY DEATHS: Susan Lucci--Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy Brittany Spears--Struck by a random thought Frank Sinatra--Killed by 'Stranglers in the Night' RuPaul--Prostate cancer O.J. Simpson--Murdered by the "real killer" in an apparent suicide Madonna--Exposure Al Gore--Dutch Elm Disease A drunk was walking along when he smacked headfirst into a tree. He backup up a couple of paces, stepped out, and hit it again. After the third time he headbutted this tree, he said, "Holy shit! I was supposed to be home hours ago, and here I am lost in this forest!" Q: Did you hear about the new Marilyn Monroe stamp? A: When you lick it, you feel like one of the Kennedys. Q: What's faster than a quarter rolling down a hill? A: The Jew chasing after it. The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with, "Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Now, does anyone know another word?" "I do! I do!" chirped Rotten Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mikey instead. "OK Mikey, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!" A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt back. Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your skirt?" "Well, " the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with." The Perfect Breakfast - You're sitting at the breakfasst table and: - your son is on the box of Wheaties. - your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. - your wife is on the back of the milk carton. Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? A: The blonde, because she's 18. Q: Why did the Montanan break up with his girlfriend? A: Because the damn sheep wanted a commitment. Q: What do you get when you cross a sheep with a talking parrot? A: Always a great fuck, but it will always want a cracker. And, there's also a chance afterwards that it will tell on you. There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly. The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted before my wife." The drunk rreplies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn." Q: What is the best way to make a bull sweat? A: Give him a tight Jersey. Q: What is the best-selling sex toy in Scotland? A: Inflatable sheep. Q: What is the most critical thing to remember in having sex with an elephant? A: Never, ever let her get on top. Q: What is the sure-fire way to teach a dog to fetch? A: Tie a cat to a stick, then throw it. Her: What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He: It's not my fault...I ran out of money. Q: Why did the Polack cross the road? A: His dick was in a chicken. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: She was trying to get rid of the Polack. Q: What did the Polack's wife say when she saw the chicken on his dick? A: You call that a rubber? The school teacher was asking if any of the Little Racsals could use the word "dictate" in a sentence. Buckwheat raised his hand, and the teacher told him to go ahead. Buckwheat turned to a girl in the class and said, "Say Darla. How'd my dick tate lat night?" Q: How does a white man feel when he walks into Kentucky Fried Chicken? A: Like the filling in an Oreo cookie. Two old ladies were sitting at the bus stop when it began to rain, hard. They were both smoking cigarettes, but Minnie, seemingly unfazed, pulled a condom out of her purse, cut the tip off, slipped it over her lit cigarette, and continued smoking. "Hey, that's a great idea!" Maxie exclaimed. "What do you call that thing, and where can I buy one?" Maxie explained it was called a condom, and they could be purchased in bulk at a drug store. The next day Maxie made a deliberate trip to her corner drug store and asked for some condoms. The druggist, surprised at such a request from such an ancient lady, asked her what she wanted them for and what size she needed. "I am going to use them, of course! And I need them large enough to fit a Camel." A pickle and and a penis were comparing woes. The pickle began, "When I get big and fat and juicy, they cover me with seasoning and stick me in a jar." "That's nothing," said the penis, "When I get big and fat and juicy, they cover my head with a plastic bag, stick me in a dark, smelly corridor, and make me do pushups until I puke." "I can prove to you I'm not drunk," the drunk told the bartender who was trying to cut him off. "Oh, yeah?" the bartender replied, "How?" "Well, you see that cat coming in the door over there? He only has one eye!" "That cat is going out the door, and so are you, pal." Q: What comes out of the cake at a Scottish bachelor party? A: A sheep in lingerie. Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and hips called a waist? A: Because there is room there for another pair of tits. Q: What do you get when you cross a black and a Vietnamese? A: Chocolate Chip Gookies. Q: Why did the nearsighted fly starve to death? A: He couldn't see shit. A patient seeing the shrink for the very first time admitted, "I'm under a terrible amount of stress, and I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. Can you help me?" "Sure," said the doc. "Tell me about your problem." "I just fucking DID, you stupid cocksucker!" Q: Why must blondes always whistle while they are on the toilet? A: To remind themselves which end to wipe. A wife greeted her husband in the early morning hours as he arrived home very drunk. "You've been cheating on me, you stupid son-of-a-bitch!" "No, I haven't," he replied, "honest." "Oh, then how do you explain the lipstick on your shirt?" "That's easy! I used my shirt to wipe off my dick." Q: Why did the Polish hit man have to give up sex? A: He took out his own cock. Q: How can you tell if you have Puerto Ricans living in the house next to you? A: Their cockroaches eat out. Q: What do you call a nigger with a wooden leg? A: Shit on a stick. Q: Why can't Mexican dogs do tricks? A: Because the owner has to be smarter than the dog to teach it anything. Q: Did you hear about the fag who was half French and half Greek? A: He didn't know which way to turn. Q: Why couldn't the Irishman finish his song? A: He kept passing out after the first eight bars. Q: Why did Michael Jackson Check into the Betty Ford clinic? A: To get over his 11 year crack habit. Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers? A: Mexican sewers have diving boards. A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife: Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -Your Husband When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband: You, too, are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up. Q: Why don't vampires go south of the border? A: Because every time they suck a Mexican's blood, they get the shits for a month. Q: Why are there always flies buzzing around Jesse Suction's head? A: Because he has shit for brains. Q: Why did the Polish record producer's house get blown up? A: He signed a band of terrorists. Q: Why are there 2 X's on Dos Equis beer? A: Every Mexican needs a co-signer. Q: How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood? A: The Blacks start getting car insurance. A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks: "Everything looks okay. Is there anything else you can think of?" "Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter." "Your daughter? Why she's only 10...you don't mean she's sexually active?" "Nah...she just lies there like her mother." Q: Why did Mohammed get fired from his job as taxi driver in New York City? A: Because he learned English. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only fucks one person at a time. Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's hand. Ten Things You Should Never Say To a Woman During an Argument: 1. Don't you have some laundry to do or something? 2. Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off. 3. You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread. 4. Wait a minute - I get it. What time of the month is it? 5. You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 6. Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 7. Whoa, time out. Football is on. 8. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of bitch flakes this morning! 9. Is there any way we can do this via e-mail? 10. Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded. Q: Why should you never slap a nigger? A: Shit splatters. A doctor decides to inform his patient with the "good news, bad news" routine. The patient asks first for the bad news. "OK, your daughter got raped, your wife died, your house burned down, your business went bankrupt, and you have AIDS - you'll be dead in few weeks." "Holy shit, Doc! What's the good news?" "The good news is, there is no more bad news." The doctor performing a vasectomy on a man slipped with the scapel and cut off one of the guy's balls. Desperate to avoid a malpractice lawsuit, the doctor sewed an onion in his scrotum to take its place. A few weeks later, during routine checkback, the doctor asked his patient if he had noted any "side effects" from the operation. "Well, yes, I have," he answered. "For one thing, every time I piss, my eyes water. And whenever my wife gives me a blowjob, she gets heartburn. Last, and strangest of all, every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hardon." A naked beautiful broad with a great rack was lying underneath a sheet on a gurney in the corridor of a hospital awaiting surgery. A man walked up to her, lifted the sheet, and carefully and slowly observed every inch of her body. After about fifteen minutes he came back and repeated this procedure. After his third visit, she felt compelled to ask, "So, Doctor, can you tell me when you are going to operate on me?" "No idea, lady. I'm not a doctor, I'm just the janitor around here." A young couple couldn't have children, and it was the husband's fault. But they desperately wanted kids, so the ravishingly beautiful wife went to a conception specialist. The minute he laid eyes on her, he told her to take off all her clothes and get into the stirrups. She complied, then noticed him approaching the table unzipping his pants. "Surely, you're not going to use THAT thing, are you?" "Real sorry, lady, but we're all out of the bottled stuff today. Regretfully, you'll have to settle for what's on tap." A man goes to the psychiatrist and complains that he is suffering from a case of sexual addiction worse than Slick Willie himself. "Well," said the shrink, "let me be the judge of your condition. Describe your problem to me." "OK. I have sex with my wife three times every day." "So? That frequency is common, among say, newlyweds." "Yes," the man answered, "but I have been married 15 years. Plus, on top of that, I have sex with my secretary at work three times every day." "Well, in my professional opinion, that is a bit excessive." "And with a whore three times every day, too," he went on. "Now see here, Mr. Smith, you've got to learn to take things in hand!" "I already do!" he sobbed, "three times every day!" If you saw two lawyers drowning, and you only had time to save one, would you read the newspaper or go to lunch? Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A1: It depends on whether or not it has health insurance. A2: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill everything to Medicare. A3: None. They would wait to find a compatible donor and then do a filament transplant. A woman went to re-visit her doctor because she was concerned about the side effects of the testosterone he had prescribed for her hormonal imbalance. "Give me an example of the side effects you have been experiencing," said the doctor. "Well, for one thing, I have been growing hair in some unusual places." "What do you consider," her doctor continued, "to be an unusual place?" "My testicles." A husband leaned over and nudged his wife after the two retired to bed. "I can't," she said. "I have to see my gynocologist in the morning." He nudged her again. "I can't do that, either. I have to see my proctologist in the morning." "Good!" he said as he nudged her a third time. "Your dentist is not on the list!" Q: What do you call two men with no arms and no legs hanging by a window? A: Curt and Rod. Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs flying over a fence? A: Homer. Q: What do OJ and fireworks have in common? A: Both have killed in the past, but they still get let off. Q: What did OJ say when someone finally asked him where he was between 9 and 11? A: Second Grade. Q: What's the primary difference between Madonna and the Statue of Liberty. A: The Statue was Made by the French, Madonna Frenched her Maid. Favorite T-shirt for a buxom blonde - "I wish these were brains." Q: Why are blondes' coffins always "Y" shaped? A: Because the instant they're on their backs, their legs spread. Q: What is the mating call of a redhead? A: "Next!" Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: It is difficult to open the legs of an ironing board. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: After you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around whining for two weeks. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a phone booth? A: You need a quarter to use a phone booth. Q: What does a blonde have in common with the Bermuda Triangle? A: They've each swallowed a lot of semen. Q: How does a blonde most frequently part her hair? A: By spreading her legs. Q: How can a blonde tell when she has had an orgasm? A: The batteries are dead. Q: How can you tell if a bleached blonde did your landscaping? A: The bushes are darker than the rest of your yard. Q: What one word describes a blonde who is surrounded by drooling idiots? A: Flattered. Q: What's the difference between a skinny blonde and a counterfeit dollar? A: One is a phony buck; the other is a bony fuck. Mary had a little lamb, She called it Darling Ralph, But now it's burning in a field, Because of Foot and Mouth. Q: Who is the best blonde in the world to have as your secretary? A: The one who never misses a period. Q: How did the blonde die from drinking milk? A: She was sucking so hard that the cow fell on her. A guy drives his date seven miles out of town, then tells her he wants to fuck her. She refuses, so he makes her walk all the way back to town. The next night he drives the same date fourteen miles out and tells her he wants to fuck her. She has to walk back, again, after refusing, again. The third night he drives her forty miles out of town and tells her he wants to fuck her. She lets him. Afterwards, he asked her why she gave in the third night but not the first two. "Well," she answers, "I'll walk seven miles, or even fourteen to help care for my ex-boyfriend who is dying of AIDS, but forty? No way." Q: What do the Starship Enterprise and Van Gogh have in common? A: They are both searching for the Final Front Ear. Q: What do redheads and McDonald's have in common? A: You've never had it so good and so fast. Q: What do you do with a girlfriend who thinks she's God's gift? A: Exchange her. Q: Why do women like smart men? A: Opposites attract. Q: How do some women compare having sex with a man to watching soap operas on TV? A: Just when it starts to get interesting, they're done until next time. Q: Why do faggots love bakeries? A: Because they always have fresh buns in back. We have bought this pet skunk, the wife and I took it for walks every day. One day we came to this bar which had a big sign saying..."No pets allowed." She turned to me and said, "What shall we do about the pet skunk?" I replied, "Shove it down your panties ... no one will know." "What about the smell?" "Well if it dies, it fucking dies!" Q: What do cats and dogs have in common? A: The "s." Q: What is a dike's favorite perfume? A: U'de Tuna. Q: Why did the bull dike prefer to use cigars for her period? A: She thought tampons were for faggots, and besides, you can't smoke tampons when you're done. Q: What is the difference between a priest and a fag? A: Not much, usually. Q: How can you tell you are in a faggot restaurant? A: There is a sign that says, "First Cum, First Served." A drunk staggers into the bar and says,"Bartender (hic)... I sheem to have lost my wallet. Would you be kind enough to give me a drink?" Bartender replies, "Sure. All you have to do to earn it is take a sip out of that spittoon." So the drunk walks over, picks up the spittoon, and proceeds to drink it all down. The bartender, as well as all the customers at the bar, are sick. Nauseous. Actually vomiting, in one case. "Geez, Pal!" says the bartender, "You just had to take a SIP!" "I did," said the drunk, "but it was all one long string." Q: How can you tell if a baseball player is a faggot? A: He keeps trying to put his bat on your balls. Q: What is different about the goal for a faggot golfer in Puerto Rico? A: Getting a hole in Juan. Q: What is invisible and smells like cum? A: A Faggot fart. Q: Why was the faggot so disappointed when he travelled to Mexico? A: He thought he was going to get to see some real cock fighting. Q: Why did they throw the faggot off the softball team? A: He kept thinking they were saying, "Butter Up." Q: In baseball, why can't faggots play the outfield? A: Because they keep wanting to drop flys. Q: In football, why do faggots make successful linemen? A: Because they want nothing more than to penetrate the defense. Q: Did you hear why the faggot was so successful being a cop? A: He always got his man in the end. Q: What do you call sex with a black man? A: Rape. Q: What's the last thing that goes through a baby's mind as you fuck it to death? A: Your dick! Q: What was one of the reasons the faggot quarterback couldn't make it in the NFL? A: Every time the linemen bent over, he'd get incapacitated with a hardon. Q: What was one of the reasons the faggot quarterback couldn't make it in the NFL? A: He was too forward with his passes. Q: How do they make a lesbian anorexic eat? A: Place pussy hair all around her plate. Q: Why did they have to fire the queer cop? A: He kept blowing all his cases. Little Johnny's teacher asked him the following math question: "If there are five birds in a tree and a hunter comes along and shoots one, how many are left?" Little Johnny: "None." Teacher: "How did you come up with that answer?" Little Johnny: "The sound of the gun will cause the other birds to fly away." Teacher: "Well, thats the wrong answer, but I like the way you think." Little Johnny: "I have a question for you. Three women are sitting on a park bench with popsicles. One is eating one, one is sucking one, and one is licking one. Which of the three women is married?" Teacher (taking a guess): "The one sucking the popsicle." Little Johnny: "No, the one wearing the wedding ring....but I like the way you think." Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school. Q: What's a Jewish American Princesses Dream Home? A: Twenty rooms, thirty bathrooms, forty closets--no kitchen, no bedrooms. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess' favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdale's. Q: Why Jewish mothers don't drink: A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish American Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes." Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backwards is Not Now. A young serious babe escorting her ugly old Aunt to the doctor told him, "We're here for a routine examination." "Very well, my dear," he answered, "go behind that curtain over there and remove all of your clothes." "Oh, the examination is not for me, it is for old Auntie here!" "Well, in that case," he countered, "Madam, please stick out your tongue." Q: Why did God give women yeast infections? A: So they would learn what it was like to live with an irritating cunt. A guy walked up to a hot babe sitting at a bar, and said, "What's your name?" "Carmen." "Hey, baby, nice name! Who named you, your mother?" "No. I named myself," she answered. "How did you happen to pick 'Carmen'?" "Because I like cars and I like men. So, what's your name?" "Beerfuck." You Might Be a Redneck If: You've been fired from your construction job because of your appearance. You Might Be a Redneck If: After having sex, you've asked your date to roll the window down. You Might Be a Redneck If: You think "Volvo" is part of a woman's anatomy. You Might Be a Redneck If: You consider your license plate customized because it was made by your father. Lesson I've learned: I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages. Q: What is another term for a huge fart in the men's room of a bus station? A: A faggot's love call. Lesson I've learned: I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. Lesson I've learned: I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. Lesson I've learned: I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits. Lesson I've learned: I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. A young guy, after a night of wild sex with a beautiful blonde, said, "So tell me, Buffy, was I your very first lover?" "Maybe," she answered. "You kind of look like him." Lesson I've learned: I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. Bumpersnicker: Orgasm Donor You Might Be a Redneck If: When your front porch collapses, at least three dogs die. You Might Be a Redneck If: Unlike your truck, your house doesn't have curtains. You Might Be a Redneck If: You view your upcoming family reunion as a good opportunity to meet girls. You Might Be a Redneck If: You often have to scratch your own sister's name from the "For a Good Time Call" signs on restroom walls. You Might Be a Redneck If: You barbeque Spam. You Might Be a Redneck If: Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging. A leper ran into his doctor's office screaming, "Help me, doc, quick! I had it bad enough when my ears and nose dropped away, but now my penis has fallen off!" "Don't despair," answered the doctor. "We have advanced surgical techniques nowadays and we can re-attach any lost appendage. Assuming, of course, that you brought your penis with you." The leper reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigar butt. "Oh my God! I must have smoked my dick!" You Might Be a Redneck If: You have a rag for a gas cap. You Might Be a Redneck If: Your wife's hairdo had been ruined by a ceiling fan. You Might Be a Redneck If: Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. You Might Be a Redneck If: Your kids had to go hungry last night because you needed those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You Might Be a Redneck If: The primary color of your pickup truck is "Bondo." CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who take girl on camping trip, have one intent. CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who drop watch in toilet, going to have shitty time. CONFUCIUS SAY: Man with hardon who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok. Q: How do you know if you've walked into a lesbian bar? A: There are no balls on the pool table, and all the cues are sticky. CONFUCIUS SAY: Baseball have it wrong - man with four balls cannot walk. CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who farts in church, sits in own pew. CONFUCIUS SAY: Virginity like balloon - one prick, all gone. CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who fight with girlfriend in day, get no piece at night. CONFUCIUS SAY: Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day. CONFUCIUS SAY: Passionate kiss like spiderweb - lead to undoing of fly. CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. CONFUCIUS SAY: Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. CONFUCIUS SAY: Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit. You Might Be a Redneck If: You've used lard in bed. MALE SEX STUDIES 101 Time allowed 3 hrs. Section A (50%) 1.Explain why the best women's football team in the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and ten of your mates. Include in your answer: a)Why they are unable to kick a ball straight b)What you wouldn't mind doing with them in the bath after the match, though. 2.Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes. 3.It is a long established fact that fat lasses are more grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is so, and explain why all feminists are fat, ugly lesbians. 4.Write a critique of any ONE of the following films you have watched at your mates house while his parents were away for the weekend. a) Sex Boat b) Three Into One Will Go c) King Dong d) Speared by Zulu Lovers 5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss. Section B (50%) 1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require? What risks would you run in lighting a fart and what are the benefits? Write a balanced chemical equation to describe the reaction that takes place when an eggy fart is lit in a pub with a match. 2.Name something a woman has invented. 3.On average, women live 7 years longer than men yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old granny who lived to be 100 and your poor grandad who worked 52 years down the pit and died the day before he retired. 4.Argue heatedly over the respective merits of the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testerossa without ever having seen, let alone driven, either. You Might Be a Redneck If: Your junior and your senior proms had day care. You Might Be a Redneck If: Your lifetime ambition is to own a fireworks stand. You Might Be a Redneck If: You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper high quality entertainment. Q: What do you call an invisible nigger? A: A fart. You So Ugly That: You even make blind kids cry. You So Ugly That: Your mother had to get drunk before she could breast-feed you. You So Ugly That: Even the tide wouldn't bring you in. You So Ugly That: You make onions cry. You So Ugly That: You stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning. You So Ugly That: You went into a haunted house and came out with a job application. You So Ugly That: Your dick won't even let you touch it. TOP 10 EUPHEMISMS FOR MASTURBATING: Lap-based web browsing. Getting some air nookie. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent. Ruminating and poundering. Shaking your fist at your ex-girlfriend. Releasing the hostages. Tickling your elmo. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces. Downloading from your own website. Evicting the testicular squatters. Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders? A: Because they can't even keep two calves together. Q: How many Polacks does it take to rape a girl? A: Five. Four to hold her down and one to read the instructions before doing it. Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: Just so they know what day of the week it is. Q: What is the best way to stop an Iraqi tank attack? A: Shoot the soldiers that are pushing them. PROPOSED CHANGE TO PGA'S RULES OF GOLF: The new rule would come into play when a golfer hits a ball and the ball doesn't travel according to the intent of the golfer. When this happens, the golfer can yell, "GORE!" and is then allowed to hit another ball, but only after scrutinizing the dimples on the surface of said ball. The golfer can repeat this procedure as many times as necessary in order to achieve his desired outcome score. The PGA is implementing this new rule because it believes that the "intent" of the golfer is paramount, and overrides any actual course the ball may take. Q: How can you tell there has been a blonde in your refigerator? A: There is lipstick on your cucumbers. Q: What is a Polish luau? A: A bunch of Polacks sitting sitting around a septic tank and drinking from straws. Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "Don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I have poisoned you?" Q: What is the Jewish concept of perfect sex? A: Simultaneous headaches. Q: What is the object of a Jewish football game? A: To get the quarter back. Q: Why do Jewish American Princesses close their eyes while having sex? A: So they can fantasize that they're shopping. Q: Who is black, has big lips, and falls off the Empire State Building? A: Martin Luther Kong, Jr. Q: Did you hear about the paternity suit against Michael Jackson? A: He denies that he's the father, but still wants visitation rights. Q: How do you get a female Arkansan into an elevator? A: First grease up the doorway, then throw in a Twinkie. Q: What should a woman dating a black guy have with her at all times? A: The rape hotline phone number. Q: What stops a woman's guts from falling out of her vagina? A: The vacuum in her head. Q: What are the only three times a Puerto Rican sees a priest? A: The day he gets baptized, the day he gets married, and the day he gets executed. Q: What do Vietnamese consider a seven course meal? A: Six puppies and a pound of rice. Q: What does a black kid get for his fourth birthday present? A: A switchblade. Q: What does a black kid get for his eigth birthday present? A: Laid. Q: What does a black kid get for his tenth birtday present? A: Fatherhood. Q: What does a black kid get for his eighteenth birday present? A: Bailed out. Q: What do you get when you cross a Caucasian man and a Thai woman? A: Syphilis. Bumpersnicker: What am I? Flypaper for freaks? Bumpersnicker: Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen. Q: What is the quickest way to make a Mexican forget his English? A: Offer him a job. Q: Have you seen the new Asian bumper sticker? A: It says, "I'd rather be driving." Q: What do you call a guy who is half Latino? A: Sorta-rican. Bumpersnicker: Tell me now before I blow twenty bucks on drinks. A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10." The husband asks, "What about one my size?" The wife replies, "Didn't even get a bid!" Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10." So the wife asks, "What about ones like mine?" And the husband replies, "That's where they held the auction." Bumpersnicker: Does your train of thought have a caboose? Bumpersnicker: If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat. "Hello?" the blonde responded answering the phone. "I bet you want me to come over to your house, take you upstairs into the bedroom, undress you, lick you from head to toe, and then make mad passionate love to you all night long." the male voice whispered. "Scheesh! You're good!" she replied. "You could tell all that just from the way I say 'hello'?" Q: How can you tell if the house you're at belongs to a faggot? A: The welcome mat reads: "Wipe your knees." Q: Why did the fag go to the costume party covered in whipped cream? A: He told everyone he was supposed to be a wet dream. Q: Why did all the queers vote for LiberAl Gore? A: Because queers don't like Bush. A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "How could you tell? Was I weaving all over the road?" "No," replied, the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away." Bumpersnicker: Too may freaks, not enough circuses. A bum walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower!" Bumpersnicker: I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Bumpersnicker: How many times do I have to flush before you go away? Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons? A: She can also sit upright in a car. Bumpersnicker: I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office. "Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job." "What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen. The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it." Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex? A: Locking the car door. Bumpersnicker: If I throw a stick, will you leave? Bumpersnicker: I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes. WOMAN'S VIEW OF ADVANTAGES OF BEING A MAN: Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000: Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. Your underwear Is $8.95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes: one color, all seasons. Q: Why do women have orgasms? A: It gives them one extra reason to moan. A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, he went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, he stepped in something huge pile of horseshit. "Oh, No!" he shouted, "I'm melting!" Q: Why are so many lesbians vegetarians? A: They don't want to have anything to do with meat. Bumpersnicker: If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap, and easy. Q: What's the difference between LiberAl Gore and a sack of real bullshit? A: The sack. Q: What do blonde virgins eat? A: Baby food. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs without a torso? A: Dick. Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs holding a coat? A: Peg. Q: What was the ailment known as that from which Christa McAuliffe suffered? A: Teacher burnout. Bumpersnicker: Lottery - A tax on people who are bad at math. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs? A: Some traffic signs say stop. Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend say that he loved her? A: She believed him. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Bumpersnicker: The gene pool could use a little chlorine. Bumpersnicker: Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock. Q: Why do so many lawyers have broken noses? A: From chasing parked ambulances. Unsuccessful Pick-Up Lines: 1. Hi, my friends call me Creepy. 2. You're ugly, but you intrigue me. 3. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno. 4. Is that a fake nose? 5. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs lying beside a carnival thrill ride? A: Ralph. Bumpersnicker: I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the fireplace? A: Bernie. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the fireplace, an hour later? A: Ashley. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs being run over by a car? A: Lane. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in an emptied bathtub? A: Dwayne. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman? A: A large-breasted deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a bar. The first cannibal asked the second cannibal, "Aren't you done eating yet?" The second cannibal replied, "I'm on my last leg now." Bumpersnicker: Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's quicker and easier. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on Slick Willie's desk? A: Vito. Q: What undiagnosed condition became fatal for Christa McAuliffe? A: Teacher burnout. Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? A: So they can see the Iraqi Air Force. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a meat grinder? A: Chuck. Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy. The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?" Q: What did Karen Carpenter say when she saw the witch melt in "The Wizard of Oz?" A: "There's a REAL diet!" Q: What came out of John Lennon's head after he got shot? A: Beatlejuice. Bumpersnicker: Good Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Q: Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? A: They need a map. Q: What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? A: LiberAl Gore's tie. Late one night in the capital city a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money!" he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY god damn money!" Q: Why didn't the leper cross the road? A: He didn't have the balls. Q: If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be? A: The least hairy of the three. Bumpersnicker: Half the people you know are below average. Q: How does an Italian get into an honest business? A: Usually through the skylight. Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear As You're Walking Down the Aisle 10. "She looks even better than she did on the cover of Hustler." 9. "When do we get to object to this thing?" 8. "Red hots! Get your red hots here!" 7. "Yea, I heard her father wasn't the only one giving something away lately!" 6. "Dead man walking! Dead man walking!" 5. "Isn't it amazing what those Swedish surgeons can do?" 4. "Wonder what the Priest is going to do on Saturday nights now?" 3. "Why is the entire football team in tears?" 2. "Damn, she got caught between the pews again." 1. "She's much prettier than the girl who gave him that rash last week." Bumpersnicker: A fool and his money are soon partying. Q: What's the ony difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire just sucks blood at night. Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher? Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room? A: They have to pull their own panties down. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs buried up to his neck? A: Spike. Q: Why do men pay more than women for car insurance? A: Because women don`t get blow jobs while they`re driving. THINGS GUYS SHOULDN'T SAY AFTER HAVING SEX 1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know." 2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?" 3) "How come it's so BIG in there?" 4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?" 5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?" 6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?" 7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!" 8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!" 9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better." 10)"Do you know what a 'douche' is?" 11)"Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow." 12)"I want you to try some of MY deodorant." 13)"I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?" 14)"Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!" 15)"I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !" 16)"I've been getting these little blisters lately-------" 17)"You wanna do those dishes before you leave?" 18)"You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!" Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity? A: B.J. An 80 year old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. "I've never been better!" he replies. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,"Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BLAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "My point, exactly." Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying over a fence? A: Homer. Q: Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms? A: They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman. The Shady Bunch (to the tune of "The Brady Bunch") Here's the story, of a First Lady, who was fighting off three very naughty girls. All of them have had Her Man, like the others, the youngest one -- oral. It's the story, of a man Slick Willy, who was busy with three sharks of his own. They were four men, dodging each other, over a land deal blown. Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow and they lied about the times He was her Lunch, then this group, it somehow became scandal. That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch. The Shady Bunch-- The Shady Bunch-- That's the way-- they became-- The Shady Bunch! Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She has sex with you two nights in a row. Little Max has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Max lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Max hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles,"K k k kiss (sniff) it better." Little Max's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!" Bumpersnicker: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Q: What happened to the leper who visited Harlem? A: Someone stole his kneecaps. Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees? A: Come. Top Ten Rejected Slogans for Firestone Tires: 10. "Safer than a Russian sub." 9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law." 8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit." 7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?" 6. "Pop a set on your car today." 5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?" 4. "Reinforcing the importance of the speed limit." 3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something." 2. "Best Blow Job In Town' 1. "You can't recall a better tire." Bumpersnicker: I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is always a mouthful. Q: How do girls with leprosy commit suicide sexually? A: By giving head. Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? A: He ordered a pizza with everybody on it. Q: What does a lawyer do when he dies? A: He lies still. One day a cannibal visited the neighboring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25. The visiting cannibal asked, "How come politicians cost so much?" The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?" Q: What's a blonde doing when she's gasping for air? A: Collecting her thoughts. Bumpersnicker: When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Q: Have you heard about the prices at the cannibal restaurant? A: Dinner cost an arm and a leg. The blonde rushing through the grocery store headed for the express line. She noticed that the male checker had his back to her, so said, "Excuse me, could you please check me out?" He turned around, gazed at her from head to toe, and said, "Nice tits." Q: How does a blonde prepare for safe sex? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick. Q: What did the blonde's mom say to her before the blonde's date? A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home. Bumpersnicker: The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. Q: What is a cannibal's favorite game? A: Swallow the leader. Bumpersnicker: I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. Q: What do a blonde and a good beer have in common? A: They both go down easy. HER STORY: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him but I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted, and his only eye contact seemed rather judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again. The conversation was slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet little restaurant. He's still acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much so I ask him if there's a problem and he says no. But you know, I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the five pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to bed and then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But he still seems really, really distracted so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? HIS STORY: Shitty day at work. Tired. Got laid though. Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The second replies, "So, try the potatoes." Q: What is the definition of "fuckoff"? A: The final round of an all blonde beauty contest. Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common? A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter, and they'll always come back. Bumpersnicker: If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. You might be a redneck if... 1- The halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. 2- You let your twelve year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. 3- You have been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4- Any one in your family has ever died after saying "hey,watch this." 5- You have more than one brother named "Daryl." 6- Your Junior/Senior prom had a day care. Bumpersnicker: All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand. Just after delivering the blonde's new baby, the doctor solemnly said to her, "I am sorry madam, to have to inform you that your baby is not normal. It is a hermaphrodite." "I am sorry, but I don't know what a 'hermaphrodite' is." "It means your baby has the physical characteristics of both sexes," he told her. "Wow! You mean both a vagina and a brain?" Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ice cream cone? A: Ice cream cones don't lick back. The young blonde approached her mother and asked, "Is it true that babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear, it is," said her mother, glad that her daughter was finally communicating about sex. "Well," she continued, "then won't I risk getting all of my teeth knocked out?" One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like. The female office worker was thrilled to get her good looking male coworker to agree to go home with her at the end of the day. After a bout of heavy kissing and petting she took him by the hand and led him towards the bedroom but warned him, "We have to hurry, though. My husband will be getting home from work soon." "Oh, yeah? Getting home soon? Just how soon?" "Oh, shit," she groaned, "not another faggot." Q: What do cannibals eat for dessert? A: Chocolate covered aunts. Q: Why did the blonde suddenly become enraged after 5 years of faithful service in the whorehouse? A: Because she found out that the other girls were getting paid. Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it back out. Strange, isn't it? You stand in the middle of a library and scream, "Aaaaaaagghhhh!", and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane - and everyone joins in. Q: Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird? A: The Spread Eagle. Q: Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? A: Eatin' Allens. Hillary's new book: "It Takes A Village.....To Satisfy My Husband" 12 Reasons a Handgun is Better Than a Woman 1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun. 2. You can trade your .44 in for two .22's. 3. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road. 4. If you admire a friends handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try it out. 5. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup. 6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo. 7. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of your closet space. 8. Handguns function normally every day of the month. 9. A handgun won't ask, "do these grips make me look fat?" 10. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep right after you're done using it. 11. A handgun doesn't care how big your trigger finger is. 12. A handgun won't complain if you are a "little fast on the trigger." Q: What do cannibals make out of politicians? A: Bologna sandwiches. Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East? A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar. Bumpersnicker: Save your breath. You'll need it to inflate your date. A college kid and his date were banging away for the first time, when all of a sudden, she stopped. Dejectedly, he said, "Well, I suppose you're waiting for Mr. Right." "Not at all," she answered, "just Mr. Big." Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the lawn all night? A: Dewey. A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties to work the counter. One day a young man enters the store, eyes the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread high on the shelves, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, and the young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two more loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, another male customer notices what is going on. Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of yet another male customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store is successively asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down, "Is yours raisin too?" "Not yet," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch." Q: Why is it bad to date a girl with no hands? A: Because you'll never know how she feels. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs upside down in the endzone? A: Spike. Q: What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who is surrounded by truck drivers? A: Dinah. Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man. Q: What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who spreads for bread? A: Marge. Q: What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who love to give blow jobs? A: Heddy. Q: What is a cannibal's favourite type of TV show? A: A celebrity roast. Q: What's more fun than swinging dead babies around on a clothesline? A: Stopping them with a shovel. Q: When do cannibals leave the table? A: When everyone's eaten. Q: What do you call a guy who is only pretending to have no arms and no legs? A: Josh. Q: What do you call a guy who is only pretending to have no arms and no legs for money? A: Con. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can't get it up? A: Dud. Q: What has 180 legs and no pubic hair? A: The entire front row of an "N Sync" concert. Q: What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds? A: A dead baby with a punctured lung. Q: What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz? A: Dead twin babies in an acid bath. A blonde girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor asked, "Do you know who the father of the baby is?" The blonde remarked, "Doc, let me put it to you this way -- if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?" Q: When a baby is being born, why do they always boil water? A: So that if it's born dead they can make soup. Q: Why did the cat lick her fur? A: Because she couldn't lick her pussy. Q: When Santa's reindeer are making their run for him, what do the reindeer's wives do? A: Go to town to blow a few bucks. Q: Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches? A: Because they can do it and get away with it. A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder. Q: Why do dogs always stick their noses in women's cunts? A: Because they can do it and get away with it. Q: Why are dogs better than kids? A: Because when you get tired of your dog, you can put him to sleep. A guy returning home from a day's hard work calls out, "Honey, I'm home!" "OK. I'm in the bathroom taking a douche." "Now dear," the rather stuffy fellow said, "You know I've asked you not to talk that way." "Which would you prefer? Clean talk or clean taste?" A stacked blonde with a chip on her shoulder told the man, "Try to pick a fight with me, and you'll get tit for tat." "OK. Tat." A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer." The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?" To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?" Q: Why do retards make great basketball players? A: They dribble better than anyone else. Q: What will a woman give the man who has everything? A: Encouragement. Q: What are the three most common lies a woman tells? A1: It's the biggest. A2: You're the best. A3: It doesn't always smell that bad. Q: What does every guy know is better than a bird in the hand? A: A hand in the bush. Q: What does every hooker do at her birthday party? A: Make a wish, and blow. Q: If a man with a million dollars is a millionaire, what is a woman with a million dollars? A: Married. Cinderella was bemoaning her fate after seeing her evil stepsisters off to the ball and staying home all alone. When along comes her fairy godmother to fulfil her every fantasy. Her rags became a beautiful gown, etc. etc. "But be sure you leave the ball before midnight or your vagina will turn into a pumpkin," extolled the fairy nanny. So Cinderella left for the ball bearing that admonishment in mind. Of course, she met and fell in love with the handsome prince and they danced the entire evening, when all of a sudden Cindy heard the chimes of the tower clock announcing midnight. "Oh, quick. I must be off or something terrible will happen to me," she exclaimed as she tore away from the prince and began to run away. "But wait," implored the prince with outstretched hands, "I don't even know who you are. What is your name?" "Cinderella," she replied as she continued hastily down the steps, "What's yours?" "Peter. Peter Pumpkin Eater," he responded. She stopped suddenly. "Well, you know, it's not a school night so I guess I could stay for a few minutes more." Q: What do Tylenols and women have in common? A: They're both dangerous if someone else has broken their safety seal. Q: Why couldn't the whore pass her driver's exam? A: She had never learned to sit up in a car. Q: How many feminoids does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. They would rather sit around in the dark and whine about being victims of the oppressive lack of lighting in the patriarchy and proudly proclaim they're not going to take it anymore. Daffynition: Bachelor - someone who prefers to ball without the chain. Q: Why did the famous tenor hire a whore? A: He wanted her to hum his parts. Q: What comes after 69? A: Listerine. Doctor: Can you read the bottom line? Girl: No Doctor: Can you read the center line? Girl: No Doctor: Can you read the large top line? Girl: No Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart? Girl: No The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his penis out of his pants. Doctor: Can you see this? Girl: Of course! Doctor: Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed. Did you hear about the good Catholic girl who gave up her virginity for Lent? Did you hear about the good Catholic boy who always said grace before he ate out his girlfriend? Q: What do a blowjob and Eggs Benedict have in common? A: They're the only two things you never get at home. Q: What did one lesbian say to the other? A: Your face or mine? Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? A: Because he didn't have the guts. Q: What do a rapist and a soldier have in common? A: They both believe in piece through strength. Q: What does it mean when a lesbian is in bed gasping for breath and calling her girlfriend's name? A: Her girlfriend needs to go on a diet. Q: Why do feminoids prefer brains to looks? A: They have no choice. Q: What is the definition of "gross"? A: Siamese twins born in '69. Q: What is the definition of "painful"? A: When a guy gets a boner and runs out of skin. Q: What's the difference between a feminoid and an ox? A: You can eat an ox without throwing up. Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who decided to write a song about drinking? A: Unfortunately, he could never get past the first few bars. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their panties. Q: How do men exercise on the beach? A: By sticking out their stomachs everytime they see a feminoid in a bikini. Q: How can you tell if a guy is a member of the Mafia? A: His favorite food is broken leg of lamb. Q: What is the difference between an Italian wife and a Jewish American Princess wife? A: An Italian wife can really cook, while the J.A.P. can really dish it out. Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs? A: Right where you left him. Q: What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic divers? A: Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows. Q: Who drives the hottest cars? A: Puerto Ricans. Almost every car they have is stolen. Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went. Q: If behind every great man is a great woman. What's behind every great feminoid? A: Several people whose sight is being blocked. Q: What's an Italian three piece combo? A: An organ, a cup, and a monkey. Q: How can a woman tell when she's gained too much weight? A: Lesbians start asking her out. Q: What's the most effective birth control known to man? A: Seeing a feminoid naked. Q: What is the recipe for genuine Mexican fajitas? A: It starts out, "Steal two pounds of steak..." Q: What does an Irishman do when he can't find his glasses? A: Drink straight from the bottle. Q: What's the difference between a feminoid and a Bigfoot? A: One is covered with matted hair and smells awful. The other has big feet. The Jewish American Princess asked her husband, "Why won't you buy a mink coat for me. I'm always very, very, cold." "So," he replied, "If you already know the answer, why ask the question?" Q: What's a feminoid's idea of honesty in a relationship? A: Lying about her weight by only thirty pounds. Q: Why shouldn't you feel sorry for Puerto Rican babies that are unwanted? A: Because by the time they reach the age of sixteen, they'll be wanted in at least four States. Q: What is unusual about maternity wards in Arkansan hospitals? A: They include bridal suites. Q: How can you tell which guy in the French restaurant is from Ireland? A: He's the one trying to decide which wine goes best with whiskey. Q: What is the difference between a feminoid and a catfish? A: Catfish don't smell like fish until after they die. Q; Why do feminoids go to hell? A: Because they're homesick. Q: What's the difference between pink and purple? A: Your grip. Q: Did you hear about the three Irishmen who went on a hunting trip? A: In just 3 days, they killed 27 bottles of whiskey. Q: What does it mean when little girls whine? A: They're practicing to be Womens Studies professors. Q: How does a lesbian know her girlfriend is cheating on her? A: She starts shaving her legs more than twice a year. A Jewish American Princess told her blind date, "When I get married, an awful lot of men are going to be miserable." "Oh," he replied, "Just how many men do you plan on marrying?" This blind prostitute has worked in the same area for years and so she can get around without a dog or a stick. She's walking across a zebra crossing one day when a car (whose driver has been momentarily distracted by another prostitute) hits her. The driver jumps out of his car and runs to her side. "Are you hurt?" he asks. "I'm blind," says the prostitute. Terrified, the driver asks, "How many fingers am I holding up?" "I can't tell!" screams the prostitute, "I must be paralyzed too!" Q: How do black mothers keep their kids from biting their nails? A: They make them wear shoes. Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A: Gagged. Q: What is a zebra? A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. Q: How can you tell the difference between a white Boy Scout and a black Boy Scout? A: Each offers to help an old lady across the street, but with the black Boy Scout she never makes it. Q: How do they make Polish sausage? A: From retarded pigs. Q: What do you get when you goose a Mexican ghost? A: A handfull of sheet. Q: What do you call a Mexican guy with herpes? A: Manny sores. Q: Why do Mexicans eat refried beans? A: To get a second wind. Q: So, how do you kill a Mexican? A: Immerse him in wet cement, let it dry, then wait for him to explode. Q: How do you solve the problem of too many Mexicans? A: Tell the blacks they taste like fried chicken. Q: Why is the US Post Office planning yet another rate raise? A: So they can print up more "This Window Closed" signs. Q: Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist? A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there. Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down and use a lubricant. Q: What is the only activity more boring than listening to LiberAl Gore speak? A: Watching Roseanne Barr get undressed. Q: If the band plays "Inhale to the Chief" when Slick Willie enters a room, what do they play when LiberAl Gore comes in? A: "Send in the Clowns." Q: Why does LiberAl Gore have to keep moving around so much while campaigning? A: Because anytime he stands in one place too long, dogs start using him to piss on. Q: Did you hear how Slick Willie learned to control inflation? A: He turned it all over to the Post Office. Q: Why is LiberAl Gore such a success at Democrat fundraisers? A: Because people will pay $100 to get in, and $200 more to get out. Q: How can you tell if a nuclear powerplant is becoming dangerous? A: The billing department moves out to another location. Q: Did you hear what they gave Mayor Barry when he got re-elected in D.C.? A: The kilos to the city. Q: What do you give an elephant with diarrhea? A: Lots of room. Q: What surefire way can a guy use to get rid of crabs? A: Find a faggot who likes seafood. I was a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me. Q: What is the difference between a counterfeit bill and an anorexic female? A: The counterfeit bill is a phony buck. Q: What do you call a cross between a faggot and an insect? A: An asshopper. Two M.D.s were discussing a collegue. "I think Dr. Johnson might possibly be anti-homosexual," the first said. "What makes you think so?" "Well, just last night I overheard a phone conversation where one of his patients, who is a screaming cocksucker, called him and told him he had accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills, and wanted to know what to do about it." "So, what's so unusual about that?" "Dr. Johnson advised him just to have a couple of stiff drinks and get some rest." The Hunchback of Notre Dame had heard a lot about sex, so one night he decided to venture out onto the streets of Paris to look for a hooker. He walked for hours until he found the darkest, poorest street haunted by whores desperate for money. He made an arrangement with one, dropped his pants and went to work. The hooker tried shutting her eyes and pretending her john was normal. But she made the mistake of opening her eyes. One look at the Hideous form fucking her and she vomited all over him. The hunchback stopped and asked, "Are you sick?" "Yes," she stammered. "That's a relief!" he said. "For a second there, I thought I had burst my hump." Q: Did you hear about the new AIDS hospital in Atlanta? A: It's called Sick Fags Over Georgia. A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks. From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to screw. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose!" she replied, "You're nowhere near the fire!" Q: How are fags like killer bees? A: Because their leaders are queens and their pricks are fatal. Q: Did you hear about the new Baskin and Robbins run by lesbians? A: The flavor of the month is anchovy. After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?" The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't." The wife yells, "Then what the hell gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?" Q: Why are faggots so polite? A: Because they are eager to give their seat to anyone. Q: Did you hear about the famous book just out on the spread of AIDS? A: It's called "Grim Fairy Tails." A blonde runs crying into her office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes the blonde. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the hood fell down and cut off a finger!" "My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger?" "No, thank goodness!" sniffs Blondey. "It was the one just next to it!" Q: How can you tell if two truckers are queer? A: When they exchange loads. A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare him off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off. Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, tied a knot in it, and said, "If he can get out of this rubber, you should call him 'David Copperfield'!" Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The long ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?" Husband : "That's where they held the auction." Q: Why do faggots so love to work as movie ushers? A: Expertise at finding a seat in the dark. Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England? A: So the other one could drive. Q: What's shakin'? A: Chelsea Clinton's leg when I scratch her behind the ear. Q: Why did Jesse Jackson lose black people's support? A: Because he promised them jobs. A guy sits down at the bar and sees a real beauty sitting at the other end. He tells the bartender to get a drink for her. "Don't bother dude, she's a lesbian." "I don't care!" says the guy, "Gimme the drink and I'll take it over myself." So the guy slides up and sits down next to the lady and says: "So baby, what part of Lesbia are you from?" Q: What is the upside to being a kleptomaniac? A: You can always take something for it. Q: How did the kid know that his acne was really terrible? A: His dog started calling him Spot. Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A: The Rolling Stones say, "Hey, you get off of my cloud." The Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod get off of my ewe." Q: How does a little kid know when his parents really hate him? A: When he lights the house on fire, he gets sent to his room. The girl asked her lover, "Darling, if we get engaged will you give me a ring?" "Sure!" replied her lover, "What's your phone number?" Tell-tale Signs As to Where That Driver is From: One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York City. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston. One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. Same as above, but with gun in lap: Los Angeles. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: male from urban Texas. One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: male from rural Texas. One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: female from Texas. Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rearview mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male. Junked, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida. The altar boy went to confession and told the priest, "Father, I have a confession to make. I let the other priest give me a blowjob." "God will forgive you my, son, but first you must eat a whole lemon." "What good will it do to eat a lemon?" "It will wipe that disgusting grin off your face." Q: Why are proctologists always so gloomy? A: Because they always have the end in sight. Q: What happened to the plastic surgeon whose dick was too short? A: He decided to hang himself. Q: How can you tell when you have really bad breath? A: First thing when you walk into your dentist's office he takes laughing gas. Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery: 1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." 2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" 5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" 6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie." 7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." 8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" 9. "Damn, there go the lights again...." 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them." 11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?" Two storks are sitting in their nest - a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying so the father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, ans the baby stork is crying again. The mother says, "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate because their son has been absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the shit out of college students!" A Texas cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him they just got married that morning. "Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks," says the cowboy. "I reckon I'll just hold her by the ears 'til she gets the hang of it.