Q: What do you call a Polack who picks up Polish chicks at bars? A: A trash collector. George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Putin all die and go to Hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for five minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check. Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for thirty minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for four hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies, "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to Hell, so it's a local call." Q: What's Jewish roulette? A: Walking into a room containing six naked women, and one of them is your mother. A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there. While playing on the front nine, he was going over his speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the seventh hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the sixth hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the fourteenth, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the thirteenth." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"? She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't," he said, and persisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!" Q: Did you hear about the Russian woman who lost her vibrator inside her? A: Three men with searchlights spent two days looking for it. Q: What's the only way to warm up a JAP? A: Cremation. Q: How are JAPs like 100 million Hindus? A: They are both untouchables. Q: Why don't Italians get bitten by mosquitos? A: The mosquitos land on them, but quickly slide off to their deaths. Q: What is the name of a guy who spends nights chasing Polish women? A: Dog catcher. Q: What's the best way to shut up a Jewish feminoid? A: Ask her if she'd like her mother to be President. A young innocent girl is about to go on her first date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother: "Look darling, they all want the same thing, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him - 1.) Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel;" 2.) Touch your breasts. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter;" 3.) Never ever touch your 'private' part. That one is like a 'GRILL' and will burn everything coming to touch it." The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and her mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks Mom. "Oh, Mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!" "Let's not go too fast, dear. And did he tried to come too close?" "Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!" "What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly, Mom. See it was like this - First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of 'Fillet' and would love to put it in your 'Grill' to cook!'" "WHAT!" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard was no different from all others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?" "Well, not really Mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste' it to see if it was cooked or not." Q: Why shouldn't you ever buy an inflatable Russian woman sex doll? A: Because when they get life size, you can no longer fit in the bedroom. Q: What's the good news and the bad news about buying a black vibrator? A: The good news is, it's big, thick, and shakes like an earthquake. The bad news is, after you come it walks out the door and never comes back. Daffynition - Platonic Relationship: What develops after two good friends are tired of fucking each other. Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covered their husbands, their children, homes, etc, and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue said, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?" Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that!" "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate." Q: What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common? A: No ballroom. A woman said to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to re-marry me." "How flattering," her friend replied "Not really," she replied. "I think he's after the money that I married him for in the first place." A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen. "What would you like for dinner, love? Chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken." "Fuck you," she said. "You're having soup. I was talking to the cat." Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker, or significant other! Women will understand this! Men should memorize it! DANGEROUS SAFER SAFEST ULTRA SAFE What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine. Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine. What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine. What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine. Q: Why did God give women multiple orgasms? A: So they can fucking moan when they're happy, too. Q: What's better than seeing a hot chick wrestle? A: Seeing her box. Q: What's better than screwing two eighteen year old hot chicks at the same time? A: Not a damn thing! A man was sitting at a bar, morosely staring at his untouched beer. The bartender walked over with a sigh, and asked "What's the problem, pal?" "My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $50 for each donation." "Yeah, so?" "Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? A: Because she thought it tasted better than Adam's banana. A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home,and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out. He asks, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil." A man who was shopping at Victoria's Secret took an elegant pair of pajamas up to the sales girl. "My," said the girl. "Your wife is just going to love these!" "Oh. In that case I'd better buy another pair." The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband. "Did you get anything under the tree?" a hot chick asked her even hotter sister. "Nope," the hotter sister answered. "It was in the backseat of a car, as usual." Q: Why is Christmas just like any other day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. Top 30 Things You'll Never Hear A Redneck Say: 1. Oh I Just Couldn't, She's Only Sixteen. 2. I'll Take Shakespeare For $1,000, Alex 3. Duct Tape Won't Fix That. 4. Come To Think Of It, I'll Have A Heineken. 5. We Don't Keep Firearms In This House. 6. We Don't Feed That To The Dog. 7.No Kids In The Back Of The Pickup, It's Just Not Safe. 8. Wrestling's Fake. 9. We're Vegetarians. 10. Do You Think My Gut Is Too Big? 11. I'll Have Grapefruit & Grapes Instead Of Biscuits & Gravy. 12. Honey, We Don't Need Another Dog. 13. Who Gives A Damn Who Won The War Between The States. 14. Give Me The Small Bag Of Pork Rinds. 15. Too Many Deer Heads Detract From The Decor. 16. I Just Couldn't Find A Thing At Wal-Mart Today. 17. Trim The Fat Off That Steak. 18. Cappuccino Tastes Better Than Espresso. 19. The Tires On That Truck Are Too Big. 20. I've Got It All On The C Drive. 21. Unsweetened Tea Tastes Better. 22. My Fiancee, Bobbie Jo, Is Registered At Tiffany's. 23. I've Got Two Cases Of Zima For The Super Bowl. 24. Checkmate. 25. She's Too Young To Be Wearing A Bikini. 26. Hey, Here's An Episode Of "Hee Haw" That We've Never Seen. 27. I Don't Have A Favorite College Team. 28. You All. 29. Those Shorts Ought To Be A Little Longer, Betty Mae. 30. Nope, No More For Me. I'm Driving. The World's Shortest Books MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS By Tiger Woods ____________________________________________ OUR WHITE BOYFRIENDS By The Kardashians ________________________________________ THINGS WE LOVE ABOUT OUR COUNTRY By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan Illustrated by Michael Moore Foreword by George Soros ________________________________________ OUR CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW WE HELPED AFTER KATRINA By "The Rev Jesse Jackson" & "The Rev Al Sharpton" ______________________________________ THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL By Hillary Clinton _________________ Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton _________________ THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD By Bill Gates ____________________________________ THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY By Dennis Rodman _________________________________ THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE By Al Gore & John Kerry _____________________________________ HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST By Dr. Jack Kevorkian __________________________________ TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE By Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell __________________ GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE By Mike Tyson __________________________________ THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY _______________________________________ OUR PLANS TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS By O. J. Simpson & Casey Anthony _________________________________________ HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY By Ted Kennedy _________ MY BOOK ON MORALS By Bill Clinton With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson and foreword by Tiger Woods with John Edwards ____________________________________________________ HOW TO WIN A SUPERBOWL BY THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS ___________________________________________________ MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY & HEALTH CARE By Nancy Pelosi ________________________________________________________ And the shortest book of them all THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama Q: Why are guys so good at playing video games? A: It's the eye-hand coordination they developed after all those years of jerking off to Playboy centerfolds. Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a letter? A: You can send a letter back to where it came from. Q: Did you hear about the nigger that thought he was bleeding to death? A: Turns out he just had diarrhea. Q: Why do they put cotton inside of pill bottles? A: To remind black people that they were picking cotton before they were selling drugs. Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm getting a hamburger!" Q: What do you call ten niggers in a steam room? A: Gorillas In The Mist. Q: What's the difference between a nigger and a pothole in the road? A: You'd swerve to avoid the pothole, wouldn’t you? Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of hot girls. Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and the girls don't! A traveling salesman on business in Arkansas met a young lady in a bar, and invited her to his room. As she was disrobing, he said, "Say, how old are you?" "Thirteen," she said. "Thirteen! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now and get out of here!" On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him and said, "You're superstitious, right?" This guy gets drunk one night, and wakes up with a terrible hangover, and realizes he's in a motel room. As his eyes come into focus, he sees a very ugly girl sitting at the foot of the bed, staring at him. She looks at him says, "What are we going to name it?" He picks up the rubber he used the night before, ties it in a knot, tosses it out the window, and says, "If he gets out of this we'll call him Houdini." Friendship is like pissing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth. A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!" Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!" Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!" The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the extreme heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!" The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost! John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock." Q: Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? A: He's all right now. Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A: A fur coat that fangs around your neck. This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said,"There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright." I said, "If I did that, I 'd be talking to your hot friends over there instead of you." A guy goes to pick up his Halloween date wearing nothing but rollerblades. "What are you dressed up as?" she asked, while lickinng her chops. "Your pull toy." A guy races into the men's toilet, burns up to the urinal, whips out his twelve inch dick and says with a sigh of relief, "Phew, just made it." The guy next to him looks over and says, "No Shit. Can you make me one too?" Q:How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? A: At the circus the clowns don't talk. Q: How do you get a leper? A: Throw meat pies at a skeleton. Q: What food best describes most men? A: Jerky. Q: How do you most strongly scare a man? A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice. Q: What is the best thing about having sex with 20 year-olds? A: There are 20 of them. A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says, "''Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you?'" The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says, "No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'" "Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk, "I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot." Q: What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy? A: Gang rape. "Mrs. Jones, can Billy come out and play? "Now, Children, you know he has leprosy." "Well, can we come in and watch him rot?" Little Johnny was the recipient of a holster and a pair of toy six shooters on his birthday. He went to show off his new toys in full cowboy regalia. He went to the local ice cream stand, drew his pistols and exclaimed, "I want a sundae, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked him, "What flavor?" Little Johnny replied, as he waved his guns, "I want a chocolate sundae, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked, " Do you want whipped cream on it?" Little Johnny said, "I want whipped cream on it, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked, "Do you want a cherry on it?" Little Johnny said, "I want a cherry on it, and I want it NOW!" The waitress asked, "Do you want your nuts crushed or chopped?" Little Johnny replied, "Do you want your tits shot off?" EPT (early pregnancy test) Blue means not pregnant. Pink means pregnant. Brown means you had it in the wrong hole. A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his dick. According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him,she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his dick while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married, 2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your dick, 3) Or finding out your dick fits through your wedding ring. Training Courses For Chicks:  *Silence, The Final Frontier: Where no woman has gone before. *The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making deposits. *Parties: Going without new outfits. *Man Management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game. *Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet, too. *Bathroom Etiquette 2: His razor is his. *Communication Skills 1: Tears - the last resort, not the first. *Communication Skills 2: Thinking before speaking. *Communication Skills 3: Getting what you want without nagging. *Driving A Car Safely: A skill you can acquire. *Telephone Skills: How to hang up. *Advanced Parking: Backing into a space. *Water Retention: Fact or fat. *Cooking 1: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter. *Cooking 2: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption. *Cooking 3: How not to inflict your diets on other people. *Compliments: Accepting them gracefully. *PMS: Your problem... not his. *Dancing: Why men don't like to. *Classic Clothing: Wearing outfits you already have. *Household Dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice. *Integrating Your Laundry: Washing it all together. *Oil and Gas: Your car needs both. *TV Remotes: For men only. A lifesaving instructor was going over the details of the Heimlich maneuver, when he noticed that one young guy in the back row had literally zoned out. He walked right up to the kid and said, "So, what do you do when you see a girl who is choking?" he asked. "Usually I just back out a couple of inches." A superhot chick was waiting in the emergency room. A doctor walks in to her exam room and asks her "What is the problem ma'am?" The lady replies,"Doctor, I have been having trouble with my asshole, it hurts really bad." The doctor tells the woman, "Why don't you lie on your stomach so I can take a look at it, OK?" So, the woman turns over and the doctor begins to examine her beautiful, bouncing booty. After a while, the doctor asks the young lady, "Ma'am, have you had anal sex lately?" The lady replies, "No, why?" The doctor then says, "Would you like to?" Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. The brain is the most vital organ in the human body. It works 24 hours per day, 365 days per year, from the minute you're born until the minute you fall in love. A young guy went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous hot chick sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?" The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5. Then, wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?" He replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it." Five Questions Most Feared By Men: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than I? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. ____________________________________________________   Question # 1:  What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball.   b. Football.   c. How fat you are.   d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you." _______________________________________________   Question # 2:  Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by "love". d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?   ____________________________________________________   Question # 3:  Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course, not!" Among the incorrect answers are: a. Compared with what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. ____________________________________________________   Question # 4:  Do you think she's prettier than I? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course, not!" Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.  c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.   d. Define "pretty".  e. Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.   ____________________________________________________   Question # 5:  What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, of course, is, "Buy a Corvette and a boat.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up. Questions usually along these lines: WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not. Don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would?  (with a hurtful look on her face). MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN:  Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.                                                                                                WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: ---- silence ----- MAN: Shit. Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he was released from prison? A: "I feel like a kid again." GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon. BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay. WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not. Q: How is getting your girlfriend pregnant similar to locking your keys in your car? A: Both problems can be solved with a coathanger. Q: What's the definition of self-destruct? A: An epileptic leper.  Rum & ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey & ice will ruin your heart. Gin & ice will ruin your brain. Pepsi & ice will ruin your teeth. Apparently ice is lethal. Beer is OK, though. No ice! Warn all your friends...Lay off the ice - Just drink it straight! (Don't forget, ice also sank the Titanic!) Q: How do we know what shampoo Princess Diana used? A: Because her head and shoulders were all over the dashboard. PRODUCTS COMPETING WITH VIAGRA: *Vigor Mortis *Chubmeisterin *Nice-a-Boni *Firmicox *Upsydaisium *Newman's Own Peter Pill *Mydixapokin *PeneTrex *Erectomycin *I Can't Believe It's Not Flaccid! *St. John's Pork *Fuchinacea *Jimmy Dean's Sausage Helper *Nuprick *Dr. Wong's Essence of Small, Harmless, Endangered Animal *TrimFast *Bonertin Dr. Pecker Jizzquil *Grogaine: Most users can expect to see some evidence of an erection in 3-6 months. You should never look down on someone, unless she is giving you a blowjob. A guy walks into a bar and says, "Give me a triple Jack." "What's the occasion?" the bartender asks. "I just became the father of twins." "Wow!  I'll bet your wife is really excited!" "She will be when she finds out." Q: What's the easiest way to burn 1200 calories? A: Leave your pizza in the oven too long. Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? A: You don't have to ask, you can SEE who the best man is. Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant: 1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack. 2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines. 3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains 4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door. 5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment. 6. Thanks to a malfunctioning "garage door opener," you're looking at $600 bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV. 7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming... 8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache." 9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter. 10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..." 11. Every time her cell phone rings, she feels the uncontrollable urge to shout her surgeon's name. 12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!! 13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O." 14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their wives... errr, never mind.   My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends. "My wife can't possibly be pregnant!" exclaimed the young man. I've been traveling overseas for the lasts ten months!" "That's medically classified as a 'grudge' pregnancy," the doctor told him. "Someone had it in for you." An eight year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating. He said, "What are you doing, father?" "It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why father?" the boy asked. "Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied. Q: Why were wheelbarrows invented? A: To teach niggers how to walk on their hind legs. Fake Orgasms  Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not, is something the majority of men would rather not question in case they discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not in fact the stud they thought women go wild for, but rather a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized. For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you. 1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking it. 2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune,or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the job at hand, and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod. 3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby" she is faking it. If she says "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. You're An Extreme Redneck If... 1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys watch this." 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.  9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines." 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.  14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's  a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.  Q: Why are there trees in Harlem? A: Public transportation. So there was this nigger waiting for the bus. He decided he had to take a shit. He didn't want to go find a restroom in fear of missing the bus so he just took a shit right there on the sidewalk. A few minutes later the bus pulled up. When the driver opened the door, the nigger asked, "How much is the fare?" The busdriver replied, "It's a dollar for you and 50 cents for your little brother." Q: Why do police dogs lick their asses? A: To get the taste of nigger out of their mouths. YOU MIGHT BE A NIGGER IF, You can shoot yourself in the head three times and not be injured. The bird singing outside your window is a BUZZARD. You always have sex on your mind because of the pubic hair on your head. You think a Volvo is a part of the female anatomy. You use lard in bed instead of K-Y Gel. You think the three most famous women in black history are Aunt Jemima, Queen LaTifta, and Mother Fucker. You wear white gloves so you won't bite off your fingers when you're eating Tootsie Rolls. You are not afraid of a shark attack because you know they will mistake you for whale shit. You always drive leaning to the center of the car because you think the stink is on the *outside* of the car. One of your hos received a $500 check from Crime Stoppers for having an abortion. You buy ChapStick in spray cans. You know that if Tarzan and Jane were black, Cheetah would be the brains of the outfit. You want to move to Detroit because you heard there were no jobs there. You'd give half of your dick for one piece of white pussy. Q: Did you hear about the new nigger Barbie? A: It comes with 12 bastards, AIDS, and a welfare check. To ALL Contractors, Plumbers, And Electricians: The term "Nigger Rigged" is absolutely no longer acceptable. You will now refer to it as a "Presidential Solution." Q: Two niggers in a car without any music, who's driving? A: The policeman. Q: Why don’t sharks eat niggers? A: They think they're whale shit. Q: How many nigger college students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but he gets 6 credits for it. Q: What happened when the Ethiopian fell in the crocodile pit? A: He ate six crocs before they could pull him out. Q: What do nigger women use to wash their white clothes? A: BLEEATCH! Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard. One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress." Country-Western Song Titles 1. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 2. Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me? 3. Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 4. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2. 5. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine 6. Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal 7. Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 8. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 9. Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting' Better 10. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 11. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite 12. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 13. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You 14. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him 19. Please Bypass this Heart 20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 21. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 22. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 23.  Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed 24.  Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye     25. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed Your Ass   Out All Day Long 26. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 27. She's Looking Better After Every Beer Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $20," the teacher began,"and you gave $5 to Mary, $5 to Sallyand $5 to Susan, what would you have?" "An orgy," Johnny smiled. Q. What do you call a nigger who, doesn’t deal drugs, doesn’t drive a lowrider, sleeps in the same bed every night, doesn’t rob banks, and doesn’t rape White women daily? A. An inmate. This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex "change." All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news. Naturally, upon hearing it, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him. "Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!" "Of course you will!" one of the more cheerful doctors soothed. It'll just haveto be someone else's, that's all."   Blonde's Daffynition: Bisexual - Every time someone buys her something, she gets sexual. One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely, dear, " she said, "what’s the occasion?" "I want to make love to you." he said simply. "Not tonight, dear. I have a headache." The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her. "I’m awfully tired, " said his wife."not tonight." Every night for a week Joe brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no. Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife. "How adorable, Joe!" she cried."But what are they for?" "These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy." Daffynition: Pole Vault - a safe place where she can lock up her dildoes. Daffynition: True Love - the emotion you experience when you have a hardon. Daffynition: Bad Luck - Your best friend runs away with your wife. Worse Luck - Your best friend runs away without your wife. Daffynition: Surprise - A fart with a lump in it. Daffynition: Menstrual flow - The quimsom tide. Q: What has four legs and a one black arm? A: A happy pitbull. Q: When do you know a man is desperate? A: When he practices yoga just so he can give himself head. Q: When is a pixie not a pixie? A: When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'. A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he naturally asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. “Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. "So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got, older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. "After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. "I got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling with my dental assistant. She gave me VD. "So, I was Fred Dingaling MD, DDS with VD. "Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. "Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. "Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred." The officer walked away in tears laughing so hard and tore up the ticket.   Q: What can a pizza do that a nigger can't? A: Feed a family of four. Q: What qualifies as good behavior in a ghetto school? A: Raising your hand before you pop a cap in the teacher. Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife "I finished the Oreos."  "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess Pam Anderson had two kids!" "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!" "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl." "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." And the one Fatal Thing to NEVER, EVER, Say to Your Pregnant Wife... "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"    Belfast Pub Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, Looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy. "That little rat, O'Conner," says Sean, "'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well,' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'" "That I did," said Paddy,"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight!"    A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, in a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad." The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to." Ways To Piss Off A Woman 1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close & whisper in her ear, "Upside down and in the dark all women smell the same." 2) Use her bra as a slingshot. 3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do to her. Then go bowling. 4) Convince her that you're having an affair.  Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding. 5) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath. 6) Say, "Hell, no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got a fat ass." 7) Walk around with a very large grin.  When she asks what it is, start crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind."  Run to the bedroom and slam the door. 8) Read her this list. 9) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle of beer. 10) Tell her YOU have a headache, but you are willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her. 11) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets. 12) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes." 13) Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her. 14) If she mentions commitment/marriage, mention anal group sex in the same tone of voice. 15) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry' em home like a six-pack. 16) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a crash diet because of a heart condition. 17) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out. 18) Fake your own orgasm while dining out. 19) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out. 20) Or, ask her Dad out. 21) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night. 22) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse. 23) Scream your own name during sex. 24) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex.  Tell her you need to know what to scream. 25) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay.  If she protests, say "All right.  We'll have a screwing contest between the two of you." 26) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint. 27) Say, "Hell, yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon." 28) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours. 29) While slow-dancing, drool on her back. 30) Tell her you need to borrow a bra to play golf/tennis because you lost your jock strap. Surprise sex is the best to which you can awake, unless you're in prison. Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends. Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten. Brunette: My God! I had no idea he was that good. Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy. New Heights Height of patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree. Height of frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls. Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples. Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute. Height of laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest. Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall. Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw. Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper. Height of Technology: Condom with zipper. Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass starts itching. Rumors are circulating in California that Islamofascists are planning to go on a rampage in Los Angeles, killing anyone who is a legal U.S. citizen. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 23. At dinner, a little boy was forced to lead the family in prayer. Little boy: "But I don't know how to pray." Dad: "Just pray for your family members, friends, neighbors, paupers, etc." Little Boy: "Dear Lord," he started, "thank You for our visitors and their children, who finished off all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's teenage son, who tore off all my older sister's clothes and then wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's bedroom every day when daddy is at work. AMEN." Mom and Dad did not have dinner that evening. This hot blonde chick was in an auto accident, but all that happened to her was a cut across the forehead. After being treated the doctor told her to come back in a week for follow up. When she went back, the doctor said, "How's your head?" She replied: "Well I haven't had any complaints yet!" Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses? A: So they wouldn't shit during the parade. Q: What is the difference between a battery and a chick? A: A battery has a positive side.   Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.     Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's so cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one that small before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'. 31. I'm so sorry. 32. Who circumcised you? 33. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger. 34. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 35. My 8-year-old brother has one just like that. 36. Let me go get my tweezers. 37. Let me know when you're done. 38. Did you used to date Lorena Bobbitt? The hot new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret. The priest then tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional. She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit." The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious, Sister Bernadette. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."  I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Q: How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse? A: She can make a patient without disturbing the bed. Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win. Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes? A: Because they always run to answer the fucking door. A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and said, "My house is on fire!" The man on the phone said, "Well, can you tell me how we get there?" She said, "Duhhh! In the big red trucks!" Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator? A: By the lipstick on the cucumbers. Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball? A: He kept his eye on the ball. Q: Did you hear about the one-legged girl who got raped? A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass. Q: What do you call a chick with a toothpick through her clit? A: Olive. Q: What are the three reasons a beastialist prefers sheep over people?     1. They never have a headache.     2. They are always in the mood.     3. After you finish fucking them you can eat them. Q: Why can't blondes water ski? A: Because they lie down and spread-eagle as soon as their crotches get wet. Not The Best Pick-Up Lines - Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted? - When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony. - You know, if my wife weren't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet. - I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as an antenna to read my thoughts. - No, really, I read Playboy for the articles. - My most painful memory? Hmmm...That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison. - Who can blame Woody Allen? - After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning. - How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz. - Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops? - I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.   A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location. She responds, "It is really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean." Q: Have you heard about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins? A: He wanted to know who the other father was. A young man from a wealthy family was being divorced by his super hot wife. His lawyer called with news about the property settlement. "The good news is that she isn't asking for any share of your future inheritance." "Great!" said the young man. "What's the bad news?" "Well," said the lawyer, "after the divorce, she's marrying your father." "Will I be the first one ever to do this to you?" the teenager said to the naked blonde girl sitting next to him. "How can I answer that when I don't even know what position you're going to try on me?" A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay." And the best one of all . . . 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?" Q: What do your first motorcycle and your first girlfriend have in common? A: It doesn't matter what either one looks like; you're just happy to have something to ride. Q: Why do women have babies? A: Because it hurts and they deserve it. Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?" Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls Mummy, Tommy." Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a fucking pig!" A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!" "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you." Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michael Jackson.   The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her girls on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A hot chick rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"  Man/Woman Discovered.... Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, and it was a complete mess after that. Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes 20 visits. I was in Palm Springs the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago." So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "I hope this helps!" The three stages of increasing gut size on men: Stage 1. You can no longer see your penis. Stage 2. You can no longer see if your penis is erect or not. Stage 3. You can no longer see who is giving you head. Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater? A: An armadildo. One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one`s mouth. Little Johnny says, "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth." A woman from Berkeley, California who was a tree hugging, libtard Democrat and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, Washington. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an eco-heathen, an Obama Zombie, an antigun nut, and how she came to get all the splinters surgically removed. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a solid-waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to sky-rocketing costs of Obamacare, they turned you down. The teacher replies, "That is correct, but why?" Little Johnny answers, "I don`t know, but my mom always tells my dad, "Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"    For the unfortunate uncircumcised - Q: What's sicker than sick? A: Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin. Q: What's green and melts in her mouth? A: A leper's cock. Q: Why do women spend more time trying to improve their appearances than trying to improve their intellects? A: Because all men are stupid, but very few are blind. The elderly wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?" "No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver." Q: Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied? A: Because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a feminoid? A: The lawyer sucks blood and the feminoid sucks my cock. Q: What do you call a woman that does everything you want in bed? A: Your girlfriend...just don't tell your wife. Q: How can you tell if a pig is in heat? A: She buys the first two rounds. Q: What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss? A: A kidney dialysis machine. Q: What's blue and doesn't fit? A: A dead epileptic. Q: What's the difference between a clit and a cell phone? A: Nothing, every cunt's got one.   Q: What is the Alzheimer's society slogan? A: Remember those who can't. Q: Why can't Italian men give their wives mink coats? A: Because the fur clashes with their wives' moustaches. Q: How do you make Polish sausage? A: From retarded pigs. Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs? A: A clit around the ear and a flap across the face. An old man and an old woman are both in an old folks home and have not had sex in almost thirty years, they both quite fancy each other, and decide to have sex. The old man tells the old lady there is a day trip to Boston for the old folks on Wednesday, he suggests they should stay behind so they can get it on while the others are away. When Wednesday comes round all the old folks leave on a bus and the old man makes his way round to the old lady's room. As he enters the room he finds the old woman naked on the bed with her legs spread, the man races in to perform some well-needed cunnilingus on the woman. After about 10 seconds the old man raises his head and tells her he can't carry on as the smell is too bad. The old woman slightly embarrassed by this and says, "I'm sorry, the smell must be due to my Arthritis." "Arthritis?" says the old man. "How can arthritis cause such a bad smell?" "It's my shoulders" says the old woman "I can't wipe my ass properly." A hot chick goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt back. Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down the back of your skirt?" "Well," the chick replies, "I just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with." Middle Age for Chicks: Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it. Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans... we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film. You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department. Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like Splat!) Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally. (More red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the State of Wisconsin). Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too! Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit. Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar. Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? Q: What is the one social advantage to being Polish? A: You never miss a phone call due to being in the bathtub. Q: What do you do when a cat spits at you? A: Turn the grill down. Q: Why did the little girl keep a dead goldfish in her pocket? A: Because she wanted to smell just like a big girl. I went to an superhot chick doctor today for my annual checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you." A super hot young chick wearing a very tight leather skirt was standing in line to board a bus in Houston, Texas. When her turn came to get on the bus she went to step up but her skirt was too tight and she could not. She smiled at the bus driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little to give her enough mobility to step up onto the platform. She tried a second time and still her skirt was too tight, so again she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. When she stepped up the third time she still could not reach the step do to her tight skirt. So smiling at the bus driver again, she reached behind her for the third time and lowered her zipper even more. It was no use. Her skirt was still too tight to give her enough legroom to step up. All at once the big burly Texan behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and lifted her onto the bus platform. The woman whirled around in a rage, "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! We don't even know each other!" The Texan smiled and said, "Well ma'am, normally I'd say the same thing. But I thought we were at least friends after the third time you reached back behind you and unzipped my fly!" Q: How can you tell a woman is really ugly? A: A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad. FEMALE PRAYER Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart, and strong, One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempt to hit on my friend. And as I pray beside my bed, I look at the clown you sent me instead. Amen. MALE PRAYER I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store. Amen. Q: What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night? A: His last name. Q: What determines the difference between spit and swallow? A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head. Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chis the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him. "Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?" If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor, and soon, or I'll lose that dealership forever." "Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this: "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That old cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes started slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters. Then I got back to work. "I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss me off! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. "Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied Bessy's left leg to the side of the stall." Just then John paused to take sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?" "Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece? A: He married her. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love...after marriage, it is self-defense. A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state. She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!" The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem, but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse." The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth. They're getting bigger and more yellow!" The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning into a horse." Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!" Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally." At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!" The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy shit! I've never seen finger and toe nails THAT big!" Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!" The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece of paper. The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?" The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a shit in the street!" A man brings his best buddy back home for dinner. His wife screams at him, "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him around for?" "Because he's thinking of getting married." My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked that I almost tripped over my cock. You know You're A Redneck When: You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You come back from the dump with more than you dropped off. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!" whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of ground beef, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen." The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts." The husband had finally had enough of being pussy-whipped. He burst through the door after work and yelled, "Here's the deal woman. I want my dinner on the table in 15 minutes. Afterwards, we're going upstairs where you'll give me a great blowjob. Then, while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me. Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys. And do you know who's gonna tie my fucking tie just the way I like it." "Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker." A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" Husband replies, "Our wedding video." A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs some Viagra. The mom asks, "Why on God's green Earth do you need that?" The little boy replies, "isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?" Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day? Man: Yes. Lady Interviewer: How much a day? Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon. Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost? Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli. Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that? Man: 15 years. Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct? Man: Correct. Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct? Man: Correct. Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari? Man: Do you drink? Lady Interviewer: No. Man: So where's your damn Ferrari? Marsha, and extremely hot blonde, completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist...and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, "Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the first man who ever said to me, "SPIT, don't SWALLOW." Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents to enjoy them now. It's a short time between shitty diapers and a shitty attitude. A man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. Woman asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a Fireman." "But you're only wearing a glass jar!" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!" Who's the Fatha of yo' Baby? The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or putting it another way...Who's the Fatha of yo' Baby? These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out #11, it takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up. 1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night. 2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks... (The runner-up). 4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again. 6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me. 8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time..... well, I don't have clue. 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom . 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. (This made number #1). Q: Did you hear the one about the guy they found with his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner? A: He was trying to have sex without attachments. Q: Have you heard about the New Wave band called 'Toxic Shock Syndrome?' A: Their new hit is called 'Ragtime.' Q: Did you hear about the new radio station with the call letters WPMS? A: It has a monthly programming cycle that is three weeks of the blues followed by one week of ragtime. I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi.” They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down. Then this Musloid started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD. I was interested, so I asked, “Can you burn me a copy?” Well, that was when the trouble started… A recent study revealed that 64 percent of all women have used vibrators. The other 36 percent have new ones. My girlfriend was in labor with our first kid. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'NooOooo. That would hurt too much'."  My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'Noooo, That would hurt too much'."   Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid people, to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine. Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes. Q: Why were lesbians invented? A: So feminoids wouldn't breed.   Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nineteen. One to change it and eighteen to make a documentary about it. The American Indian Counsel has requested that the NFL disassociate itself from Indian names. The Washington Redskins will therefore change their name to the Washington Foreskins in honor of all the pricks in Washington DC, effective immediately. Q: What do you call women who hang out with hookers? A: Support hoes. Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar? A: Not even the pool table has balls.   WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer...twice. Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons Naughty girls unbutton your pants Good girls wax their floors Bad girls wax their bikini line Naughty girls wax your nutsack Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies Bad girls know they could do it better Naughty girls do it with whips and chains Good girls wear white cotton panties Bad girls don't wear any Naughty girls don't really give a shit Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace " Good girls pack their toothbrush Bad girls pack their diaphragms Naughty girls pack their dildos Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection Good girls wear high heels to work Bad girls wear high heels to bed Naughty girls make you wear high heels Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance Bad girls think no place is the wrong place Naughty girls have sex all over the place Good girls prefer the missionary position Bad girls do too, but only for starters Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra Good girls say no Bad girls say when? Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot. Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed. Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home. Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them. Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians? A: A tong war. An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her five year old son. The doctor instructed the boy to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born boy by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. "Hit him again," the sibling said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!" Two guys were discussing the ill side effects of their heavy drinking problem. The first said, "I got so drunk last night that I forgot my own girlfriend's name." "That's nothing," said the other. I got so drunk last night that I walked across the danceroom floor to use the bathroom and I won the dance contest." On October 9th, 2012, a group of bikers from Perkin, Illinois were riding west on I-74 when they saw what appeared to be a woman about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley. He walked past the gawkers and State Troopers and said, "What are you doing?" She replied, "I'm going to commit suicide." George didn't want to appear "sensitive," but he couldn't pass up the opportunity to become a hero either, so he asked, "Before you jump Sugar Shorts, why don't you give me a kiss?" With no hesitation, she leaned back over the railing and did just that. And it was a long, deep, lingering kiss, followed by another one - wetter and even more convincing. After they finished, George hearD the approval of his biker-buddies. Even the onlookers and State Troopers were applauding. George said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I ever had Sweet Pants! You’ve got real talent. It’d be a shame to waste it. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed. A young man was pouring his hot date a drink and said, "Say 'when'." "Right after this drink," she smiled. Two chick friends were chatting one day and the hotter one said, "I am going to have to be very careful not to get pregnant." "But I thought your husband had a vasectomy," her friend commented. "Exactly." Q: What do you call a hot chick with no arms and no legs who gives great head? A: Partially disabled. A miser read in the paper about a new whorehouse in town that charged $50 for the first visit and $25 for each visit thereafter. On his first visit he knocked and the madame said, "Who is it?" "It's me again," he answered. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid: *A few clowns short of a circus *A few fries short of a Happy Meal *An experiment in Artificial Stupidity *A few peas short of a casserole *The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead *One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl *A few feathers short of a whole duck *All foam, no beer *Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel *Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt *Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear *Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel *Too much yardage between the goalposts *An intellect rivaled only by garden tools *As smart as bait *Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash *Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair *Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top *Forgot to pay his brain bill *Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels *His belt doesn't go through all the loops *If he had another brain, it would be lonely *No grain in the silo *Receiver is off the hook *Several nuts short of a full pouch *He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down Q: What do you get when you cross LSD and a birth control pill? A: A trip without the kids. The great irony of a blowjob is: even though you have her on her knees, she still has you by the balls. Every fight is a food fight, if you're a cannibal. Q: What should a woman say to a man with whom she's just had sex? A: Whatever she wants. He's sleeping. Little Johnny's big brother had just gotten married and spent his first wedding night with his parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Little Johnny said, "Mommy, I think..." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said his mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the foul-mouthed eight-year-old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, she once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" Once again, Little Johnny started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. Little Johnny once again said, "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked his mother rather testily. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead!" I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now." A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse. The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before. Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes, "You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?" "I wasn't quite sure," replied the man. "Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife. "You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."     A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, Doc?" "Hmmm... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "No...but at least you'll get used to being covered with dirt."     A redneck was standing at a bar. A beautiful woman was  beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my  little toe."   She giggles and replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and  cute?"   "No," he says, "I mean I 'll probably bang you on the coffee  table later when I'm drunk." I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me. Q: What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy? A: Banging your head on her coffin lid after you're done. Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love. Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? A: A quarter pounder with cheese. Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?" Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you." Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic? A: The hotdogs all taste like shit. Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's cunt? A: The other guys awaiting their turn. Q: What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period? A: Your palm Red. Q: What's the definition of a tongue-twister? A: A spiral pussy. Q: What's the difference between dark and hard? A: It stays dark all night. Q: What's the definition of oral sex? A: The taste of things to come.   A pal of mine said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and less money in your wallet than you thought you had. I said, "Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and MORE money than you thought you had." A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant." He asked, "How did this happen, my child?" She said, "I think it must have been the second coming." The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?" She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one." A schoolboy came home home from classes and told his father that they had a spelling bee that day and he got the very first word wrong. "What was the word?" his father asked. "Posse." "Hell, no wonder you can't spell it," his father said dejectedly. "You can't even pronounce it." If Rob is short for Robert and you get Willy out of William, how do you get Dick from Richard? Ask him nicely. Condoms don't give a 100 percent quarantee of safe sex. Why, just the other day a friend of mine was wearing one when he got shot dead by the woman's husband. I am going to reveal to you 7 magic words. With these words you will have a new understanding of issues you have contemplated at length. If these words were spoken years ago we would have entirely different influences in music, movies, and language. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have a much smaller national deficit. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have had far less turmoil in America. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have all of our great cities prospering as well as the small towns. If these words were spoken years ago, we would have far less murder, rape, robbery, drug use, pimping, and burglary. Ready ? ”We should have picked our own cotton." Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job." The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached." To which the first replies, "Whoa! I just can't picture your husband as a blond!" There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?" "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin." "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it." "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look." "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am." "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast." A man is having problems with his dick, which certainly had seen better times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis." The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no! Only 30 times left! We shouldn't waste those! We should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it." Q: What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman? A: You can drop her off anywhere. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted. Q: How can you make your wife angry while making love? A: Call her from your cell phone. New Medications For Women Only DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country western music. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. PENISCILLIN Potent antibiotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can we get naked now?" BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength BUY-ONE-ALl When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. SEXCEDRIN More effective than Excedrin in creating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache" syndrome. NAGAMENT When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Q: What is a nigger's idea of a perfect 10? A: Any white bitch who lets him lay pipe in her. Q: How do you know if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant? A: The kid stutters. A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow - Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June -June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, does my huge rack have anything to do with why you keep staring at me?" "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,having eight inches of Snow in June?" Q: What's the second sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot? A: When your parents ask for proof that you're alive, he sends you home to tell them. Q: What's the first sign that you've been kidnapped by an idiot? A: He puts the return address on the ransom note. Q: What do lesbians always bring to work? A: Box lunches. What is this? "Give it here!" "NO, IT'S MINE!" "I said let me have it!" "NO! IT'S MY TURN!" "Come on! Give it to me!" "NO WAY!" Siamese twins beating off. Little Johnny walked in oh his parents having sex. He asked what they were doing. His father said, "We're playing poker and you're mom is the wild card." The next day, little Johnny walks in on his brother having sex with his girl friend and he asked what they were doing. His brother said, "We're playing poker and she is the wild card." The next day little Johnny's mom walks in on him beating off like there is no tomorrow. She said, "I see you're playing poker but where is your wild card?" Little Johnny said, "Why do I need a wild card with a hand like this?" "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife. "No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill. "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked. "Uh, no," he said. She gave him another sexy little smile,seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?" "No," he said, now really intrigued. "Well, go look in the garage." Q: Why are faggots such pricks? A: You are what you eat. Q: What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair? A: Cunt Stubble. Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween? A: Free home delivery. Q: How many faggots does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one. But it takes an entire Emergency Room to remove it. Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass gets disconnected A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you! The husband, typically nonromantic, replied, "I am on the commode. Please advise." Q: How can you tell when you're REALLY ugly? A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold. All 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp, and Rape, have refused to sing "Hi Ho." Additionally, they have no intention of "Going off to work." God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Q: What is male menopause? A: The change of wife. Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? A: They named him Sum Ting Wong. This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the salesman, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. " Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming; "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!" Q: What did the sign over the entrance door to Planned Parenthood say? A: Thank you for not coming. After making love, I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" She said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." Q: Why are elephants large, gray, and wrinkled? A: Because if they were small, white, and smooth they would be aspirins. Q: Where is the best place to see a herd of charging elephants? A: On television. Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz? A: She had three men giving her directions. A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl, "Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice, "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said with a laugh, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right? The guy then responded with a loud voice, $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S TOO MUCH! All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."     Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran. 3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart. 4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. 5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair. 6. If all is not lost, where is it? 7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. 9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. 10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents. 11. Can't remember...read #4 again. 12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom. 14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees. 15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess? 16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere. 17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.