"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!" "What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother, "and just who is the father?" The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed, "How should I know? You're the one who would never let me go steady!"   Q: How can you tell which is the Irish guy is in the hospital? A: He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. Pick-Up lines: Hi, do you want to have my children? (assuming the answer is 'no'), OK then, can we just practice? Hi, I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; and by the way, you have my consent. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck? I am a magical being, take off your bra. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you. I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. Let's bypass all the bullshit and just get naked. My name's [your name]That's so you know what to scream. Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex? Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? Sex is a killer...want to die happy? Since we shouldn't waste this day and age what you say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire. Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?" The only reason I would kick you out of bed would be to fuck you on the floor. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply. Your face or MINE!? Your place or mine? Tell you what, I'll flip a coin. Head at my place, tail at yours. Nice legs, lets eat out. Hey! Wanna play war? (replies) WHAT? (you) Yea, I lie on the ground and you blow the fuck outta me! Hi my name is (your name), did I mention I have a penis. My dick's been feeling a little dead lately. Wanna give it some mouth-to-mouth? If I told you I had a 2 inch dick would you fuck me? (if she says no) say, Good! Because mine is 8 inches. Oh my God! I think I love you! Now lie down! Nuthin could be finer than the taste of your vagina! Q: What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia? A: In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor. Valentine Slogans 10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk, But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk. 9. Our love will never become cold and hollow, Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow. 8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store, In hopes that later you'd be my whore. 7. This feels so good, it feels so right, I just wish it weren't $250 a night. 6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class, Especially when I'm spanking your big, round, fat ass. 5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished, But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH! 4. Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown...but so's your ass. 3. You're a honey...and you're a cutie, I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty." 2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny, So right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny! 1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister. You should check out the one that I gave to your sister! Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas? A: A documentary. Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Kentucky? A: "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." Women are just like orange juice cartons. Its not the shape or the size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It's getting those flaps to open! He Said.....She Said He said... Want a quickie? She said...As opposed to what? === He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? === He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said...Not at all honey, I'd love you no matter who left you the money. === She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. === He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded. === He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen' === On wall in ladies room, 'My husband follows me everywhere' Written just below it, 'I do not.' === He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. Husband and wife in bed together. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. She, "Oh, that feels good." His hand moves to her breast. She, "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She, "Oh, honey, don't stop." But he stops. She, "Why did you stop?" He, "I found the remote." At the YMCA one day, a really fat man called Auschef got out of the shower and Thorn saw him. Thorn said, "I don't mean to be rude, but you are FAT!" Auschef said, "Yeah, I know I'm really big." Thorn asked, "Man, how long's it been since you've seen your own dick?" Auschef says, "LONG time, Man." Thorn asks, "Well, why don't you diet?" Auschef asks, "WHY? What color is it now?" OK, it's official. I'm getting old. The other day I was walking back to my car from the grocery store. Coming into the store was this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. God, she was hot. My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like." Schizophrenia beats being alone. Q: Why did the elephant wear dark sunglasses? A: So he wouldn't be recognized. Q: What did Tarzan say when the elephant came up over the hill? A: Nothing. He didn't recognize the elephant because he was wearing dark sunglasses. ORIGINAL VERSION: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. 2013 VERSION: Give a man a welfare check, a free cell phone with unlimited free minutes, free internet, cash for his clunker, food stamps, section 8 housing, free contraceptives, Medicaid, ninety-nine weeks of unemployment, free medicine, and he will vote Democrat the rest of his life…even after he's dead. Q: What do gay termites eat? A: Wood Peckers. When the gynecologist confirmed her suspicion that she was pregnant, Ann, a hot blonde, got a little scared. "It will be my first baby," she confessed with a blush, "and I do not actually know the first thing about how babies are delivered." "Don't worry about a thing," reassured the doctor. "It's really not all that different from how the baby got started in the first place." Startled, Ann exclaimed, "You mean, five tequila shooters and then a ride in Charlie's truck?" Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?" Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you." Q: Why was the two-piece bikini invented? A: To separate the meat section from the dairy section. Daffynition: Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man. Q: What did the maxi pad say to the fart? A: You are the wind beneath my wings. According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for most in a woman is intelligence, a sense of humor, and a good personality. A beautiful face, a big rack, and a perfect ass don't count when selecting a woman. This survey was published in "Full Of Shit Magazine." A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there. While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"? She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know," she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, "See, I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"   An important executive was telling friends at his country club about some of his experiences. "So I bought this yacht that could carry fifty people and I took it out for a maiden voyage and it hit a reef and sunk. "Then I bought an airplane and on the first flight it hit another plane on the field and burned up. "Then I married this superhot blonde and no sooner did I get home than I found her fooling around with the chauffeur and I had to divorce her." "So what's the moral?" one of the others asked. "Clear as a bell," said the old man. "If it swims, flies, or fucks, lease it, don't buy it." Q: Why does a necrophilia wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff ? A: Because by that time he can stick in it anywhere he likes. THE DOs AND DON'Ts OF JERKING OFF: Do jerk off as much as you like. Don't worry, you won't go blind from jerking off unless you shoot sperm in your eye. Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't be caught. Do have a place to shoot your load already set up. Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it. Do jerk off in the shower, as this will hide any and all evidence of your perverted behavior. Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. This builds up your sperm count incredibly! Do not get sperm on yourself. Do not shoot your load on a thick rug and then try to clean it up with toilet paper. Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes that you'll shoot it across the room. This can cause irreversible damage to your johnson. Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your load, or you'll get a cramp and ruin the moment. Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief. That is future jerk off material and if you spunk in it, you won't be able to turn the pages ever again! Do not ever jerk off while taking a shit. That is fucking disgusting! Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass while jerking off. That would make you gay. Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication! Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your load into your own mouth! That would make you gay. Q: What do you call two faggots on a waterbed? A: A fruit float. TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES 1. Sag, You're It 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 4. Kick the Bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 6. Doc, Doc Goose 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 8. Hide and Go Pee 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10.Musical Recliners Q: What did the fag do when he missed his boyfriend? A: He shat in his hand and beat off. A hot chick went to visit a psychiatrist. He immediately threw her on the couch and fucked her brains out. After he got his rocks off, he said, "Well, that takes care of my problem; what's yours?" Q: What is a shit? A: A faggot's wet dream. TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR: 14. Pass My Shotgun 13. Psychotic Mood Shift 12. Pack My Stuff 11. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome 10. Perpetual Munching Spree 9. Puffy Mid-Section 8. People Make Sickness 7. Provide Me with Sweets 6. Pardon My Sobbing 5. Pimples May Surface 4. Pass My Sweatpants 3. Pissy Mood Syndrome 2. Plainly Men Suck And the number one thing PMS Stands for... Who Cares? I'm not in the mood to play this shit anymore! A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a bum says: "Can I have a toothpick?" He gives him the toothpick and the bum goes off. A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second bum who says: "Can I have a toothpick?" He gets his toothpick and off the bum goes. There is a third knock at the door, and a third bum. The bartender says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too." "No, a straw," says the bum. The bartender hands him a straw and says, "Why do you want it?" Says the bum, "Some guy just threw up outside but all the big pieces are gone already." Q: What's worse than silicone tits? A: A cardboard box. Q: What do you call a French nigger? A: Jacques Coustodian. PICKUP LINE - Man: "Is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants!" Woman: "Sorry but there's already one asshole in there." WHAT NIGGERS CAN NEVER SAY: Hurry up, I'm late for work. My wife's legs and underarms are very smooth. I worked and paid my own way through school. I vote Republican. My ex-husband sends me child support every month. I passed my SAT the first time. All the kids in my family have the same daddy. Honey, those shorts show half your ass, aren't they too short? I have excellent credit. Let me ASK you a question. I'd rather live in a black neighborhood. Sorry, I don't have sex on the first date. I've never had any problems with drugs. All of our reverends attended seminary. I've never accepted welfare. I don't believe in quotas. Oh baby, let me get my condom on first. I wasn't promoted because of Affirmative Action. My son attends an Ivy League college. We blacks can be racists too. I straighten my hair to look black. I repeated the fourth grade only once. I'm an excellent reader. The men in our family are such good role models. I've never been socially promoted in school. We've turned Detroit and Cincinnati into wonderful cities. We have the lowest rates of AIDS cases in the country. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and the NAACP don't tell us what to think. The Democrats have always kept their promises to us. Q: What do nigger kids get for Christmas? A: Your kid's bike. Q: What's long and black and smells like shit? A: The welfare line. Q: How do we know Adam and Eve were not black? A: You ever try to take a rib from a nigger? Following in the footsteps of the recent successful "Who Wants To Marry Millionaire", BET (Black Entertainment Television) today announced plans for a new game show to appear in its fall lineup. "Who Wants To Fuck a White Woman" will pit black male contestants against each other in a battle of wits and knowledge. The Grand Prize will be one night in a Motel Six, with a white female inmate from a local jail. Q: What word, beginning with the letter "N", should you never use for a black person? A: Neighbor. Knock, Knock. Who's there? Little boy blew. Little boy blew who? Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson arrives in Heaven and sees Elvis Presley. MJ squeaks, "Hey, Elvis! Guess what? I married your daughter." Elvis replies , "Oh, thank God for that! Somebody told me it was a black guy." Q: What's black on top and white on the bottom? A: Rape. A blonde took the stand in court as the defendant in a murder trial. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand."I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know." A blonde hot chick participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms. She said, "Depends on what's in it for me." Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance his arm. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert. Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only 6 days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still 5 days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." This only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament, Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can 'see' what your problem is but you've still got 4 days to go. I will however let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep 'till Saturday?" One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. at a hot blonde's house. She picked up the phone and a man asked, "Is this 555-1111?" "No, this is 555-1112." she replied. "Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." he answered.. "That's alright," she said, "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway." The Democrat Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. A beautiful blonde walks into a bar, sits on a stool and orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde chick and splashes all over her bountiful boobs, which are prominantly displayed in her tight, lowcut dress. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and then licks the beer off her boobs. Slowly. Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So, after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender serves a beer and it soaks her boobs, the man jumps up, starts to lick her breasts, and she decks him! He is lying on the floor moaning, "Jeez, lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Helloooo!", says the blonde, "He has a licker license!" Suzanne was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?" "Aha! You’ll know tonight," answered Max smiling broadly. At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Suzanne and handed her small package. Delighted and excited, she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: "The Meaning of Dreams." Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards - You need a heart to love them. You need a diamond to marry them. You need a club to beat them. And you need a spade to bury the bastards. Q: Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed? A: Yeah...now he has no ears. Q: What do the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common? A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen. Q: What did the blonde's mom say before her daughter went out on a date? A: If you're not in bed by 10pm, come home! Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a blonde? A: Meeting a guy with herpes and a big dick. Husband to wife: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife...Cold as usual.'" Wife to husband: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband...Stiff at last.'" A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Arizona mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing. The Arizonan takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him. "You can't do that!" cried the Californian. "It's legal here in Arizona," replies the Arizonan. Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and starts to run away. The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him. As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him. "But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!" protests the Californian. "Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait." A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em from itching." The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for you." So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes. The doc finishes and says, "How's that?" The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?" The Doc says, "I trimmed back your ugg boots." A guy and a girl met at a restaurant. They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. So the girl looks at him and says: "You must be a dentist!" The guy all surprised says "Yes...how did you figure that out?" The girl replies: "Easy, you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they have vigorous sex. After they were done, the girl says: "You must be a GREAT dentist!" The guy was very very surprised, he says: "Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?" The girl says: "Easy...I didn't feel a thing." Why Is A Christmas Tree Better Than A Man: 1. A Christmas tree is always erect. 2. Even small ones give satisfaction. 3. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. 4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. 5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. 6. A Christmas tree has cute balls. 7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls. 8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it's past its "sell by" date. 9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.   Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged   Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia --- I Don't Know if I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Autistic --- Jingle Bell Rock and Rock and Rock and Rock ... Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House In My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate X-rated Christmas Carols: I'm Dreaming of a Great Blow Job Little Hummer Boy A Lay In A Manger Let Her Blow, Let Her Blow, Let Her Blow The First Time With Noelle Oh, Cum All Ye Faithful Jingle Bell Fuck Here Cums Santa Claus Frostie The Frigid Bitch I Married I'm Creaming On A White Christmas That Lying, Cheating Bastard's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire Oh, Hole-y Night Santa Claus Is Cumming, You Clown Jiggle My Balls The Twelve Steps to a Sober Christmas Oh, Watch Me Pee I Came All Over Her Rounded Buttocks I Saw Mommy Giving Santa Head Santa's Cock Is 12 Inches Long Jingle Bell Rock, Suck My Cock Deck My Balls with Clamps and Leather Bark! The Hairy Anal Thing I Came Upon a Midget's Rear Pumpin' Away in a Manger Santa Claus is Coming All Over Town Deck My Balls with Brows of Holly O Cum, Gobby Facefuls I Came Upon Your Midriff, Dear Dick the Hos with KY jelly Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part. Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $90.00. Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you'd prefer. Santa’s Pickup Lines: Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh? Wanna see my 12-inch elf? I`ve got something special in the sack for you! Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip? I know when you've been bad or good...so let's skip the small talk, sister! Some of my best toys run on batteries. Interested in seeing the "North Pole"? (Well, that's what thr Mrs. calls it.) I see you when you're sleeping...and you don't wear any underwear, do you? Screw the "nice" list -- I've got you on my "naughty" list! Wanna join the "Mile High" club? Dear Sir: The results from the lab work has confirmed that the red ring around your penis was not cancer. It was lipstick. We sincerely apologize for the amputation. The T.S.A. disclosed the Airport Screening Results - June 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From DHS: Terrorists Discovered 0 Transvestites 133 Hernias 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 18,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls. An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah. He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?" Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because assholes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So 'you're' here to service 'them.' Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty." The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?" Ten Correct Ways To Treat A Penis 1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw piece of meat and you're a starving pit bull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first. 2.) When (Not "IF") giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle. Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner. 3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and your 100+ Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis. 4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ...lubrication, the cure. 5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way. 6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you! 7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July. 8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee. 9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him. 10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ...drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?" And never, ever say, "Is it in?" A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was complete, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty. One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Q: Why did it take the Polish couple six weeks to drive across the U.S.? A: Because they kept encountering signs that said, "Clean Rest Rooms." Q: At what point does a priest need a prescription for Viagra? A: When his altar boy class exceeds 10 members. A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed. He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket. The guy wonders aloud, "Don't like swallowing jizz, huh?" She wipes her mouth and replies, "Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets." Beer Troubleshooting SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.   SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to gent’s room, practice in mirror.   SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.   SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house training. Demand beer.   SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.   SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.   SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.   SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender. Q: What can make you feel really good or be very annoying? A: A woman's mouth. When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Daffyniton - Jell-O: Kool-Aid with a hardon. Jack was nimble but Jack was quick, So Jill preferred the candlestick. Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower? A: Kids will eat snot. Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me....'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?" A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?" Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..." "What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband. "How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?" Q: What does Kodak film have in common with condoms? A: Both capture the moment. Two elderly men were talking about Viagra. One had never heard of it and asked the other what it was for. "It's the greatest invention ever," the other said. "It makes you feel like a man of 30." "Can you get it over the counter?" "Probably - if you took two." Q: What do you call a faggot who's had a vasectomy? A: A seedless fruit. Q: What do you call a Serbian prostitute? A: Sloberdown Mycockyoubitch. Q: What's worse than your dentist telling you, you have herpes? A: Your mother telling you. Q: How did the Polish woman keep her son from biting his nails? A: She made him wear shoes. Q: What would have been Michael Jackson's next movie? A: Honey I Blew the Kid.   Q: Why did Michael Jackson own a theme park for kids? A: He'd always been into children's shit. Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy? A: Cuntindicular. Q: What's the difference between a drunk and a stoner? A: The drunk will drive through a stop sign while the stoner will stop and wait for the stop sign to turn green. Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend told her he loved her? A: She believed him. A blonde decided to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by a train would not be that bad. She lay with her legs spread over the railway line. The next day in the paper it read: "Train disappeared. Reward offered." Q: Why would a blonde wear green lipstick? A: Because red means Stop. Q: How is sex like software? A: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free. A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind little Johnny being in there." "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll quickly quiet down when he gets to the poisons." Dear Baby Doctor, Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Dear Baby Doctor, Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q: How can you tell if a crab is an insomniac? A: It only sleeps in snatches. There are two kinds of men in this world: Those who want to get ahead, and those who just want to get head. Dear Baby Doctor, Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Dear Baby Doctor, Q: What's the difference between a nine-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. Dear Baby Doctor, Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Because you're fatter then they are. Dear Baby Doctor, Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder. Dear Baby Doctor, Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this? A: Your therapist. Q: Why does a blonde always drive a BMW? A: Because she can spell it. Q: How does a blonde make up her mind? A: She puts lipstick on her forehead. Q: Why don`t blondes like anal sex? A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with. Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the hot blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing." Q: How do faggots dispose of their condoms? A: By farting. Q: What do you call a chick masturbating? A: A bushwacker. Seven year old Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" he asked. His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "Did God send you too, Mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes, Dear, He did." replied his mother. "And Grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked little Johnny. Again the answer was "yes." Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there hasn't been any fucking in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone is so fucking cranky." Austin Powers Pickup Lines 1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day. 2. Nice legs...what time do they open? 3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package. 4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more? 5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one? 8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight. 9. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me. 10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. 11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag. 12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked. 13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven? 14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 15. Are those real? 16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy. 17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue. 18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning. 19. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself. 20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me. 21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions? 22. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom? 23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor. 24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later. 25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? 26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me. 27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute. 28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. 29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to. 30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking? 31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public. 32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza? 33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me. 34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I??? 35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them. 36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes. A young boy is standing on a street corner swatting flies. Every time he sees a fly he utters, "Fucking flies, fucking flies." Just as the boy says it a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose." The little boy, unmoved by the priest's objection says, "bullshit." "Well tell me three things on this Earth that God has made without a cause," says the priest. The boy looks at him with a grin and replies, "Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking flies." Q: Did you hear about the new porno movie? A: It's about a blonde girl whose clitoris is in her ear. It's called: "Cum Again?" A Dog's Motto If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it. Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I said. "I haven"t got any money! I"m broke!" and started to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder!" I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?" Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease? A: Because they're all pigs. Q: What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? A: Telling you his real name. Q: What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner? A: A power failure. Daffynition - "hobosexualist": A bum fuck. Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? A: Sex. A State trooper pulled over an outlaw biker and, after examining his license and registration, said, "You're going to have to spend the night in jail." "What's the charge?" the biker protested. "None," answered the trooper. "It's free." Q: What do you call a calf's pussy? A: Veal cuntlet. Serenity Just in case you are having a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile: 1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream. 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water. 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air. 4. No one knows your secret place. 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world. 6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 7. The water is so clear that you can easily make out the face of the Markist you're holding underwater. There! See? It really does work! You're smiling already. Q: What drives a lesbian up the wall? A: A crack in the ceiling. Q: Did you hear the one about the redneck who couldn't tell the difference between arson and incest? A: He set fire to his sister. Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon? A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak." Q: What's the difference between a beer and a booger? A: A beer goes on the table, a booger goes under it. DANGEROUS SAFER SAFEST ULTRA SAFE What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine. Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine. What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine. Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine. What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some wine. You Might Be a Redneck If.... 1) You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. 2) The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 3) You were shooting pool when any of your children were born. 4) Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos." 5) Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." 6) You've ever given rat traps as gifts. 7) You clean your fingernails with a stick. 8) You've ever hit a deer with your car, deliberately. 9) Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. 10) You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table. 11) You've totaled every car you've ever owned. 12) There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. 13) You ever got too drunk to fish. 14) You consider the fifth grade your senior year. 15) Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road." 16) The dog can't watch you eat without gagging. 17) Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. 18) You think the French Riviera is a foreign car 19) You prefer car keys to Q-Tips. 20) You've ever financed a tattoo. 21) The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot. 22) You've ever bought a used hat. 23) You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a dog. 24) You're considered an expert on worm beds. 25) You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. 26) Your stove is on the porch and your lawn chairs are in the kitchen. 27) "Bambi" made you hungry for rabbit. 28) You learned to drive in a monster truck. 29) You spit chewing tobacco in the plants. 30) Your wedding reception included a beer brunch. 31) You believe books are bad luck. 32) You believe all-star wrestling should be an Olympic competition. 33) You believe all-star wrestling. 34) You recycle motor oil by moving it from the car to the truck. 35) You think a "thesaurus" was a dinosaur. 36) You like to brag you learned to fire a shotgun before you could walk. HOW TO CHEER A GUY UP Peter was in bed with his best friend's wife. Just as things were reaching a climax, he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell's wrong with you?" his partner asked. "I feel just like a regular son-of-a-bitch, getting some of my best friend's pussy," the man moaned. "Well," she soothed, patting his back, "you can stop worrying. You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five inches deeper." Q: Did you hear about the shutter on the new Japanese camera? A: It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed. Q: What did the left testicle say to the right testicle? A: This guy in the middle is a dick. Q: What's worse than a cardboard box? A: Paper tits. A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." A horrendously fat waitress says to her next customer in an insincere tone, "Sorry about the weight." "Don't worry about it," he replies. "Perhaps you'll lose it someday." Johnny's class is on a field trip to the farm. The teacher asks, "Can anyone tell the class what that is?" (pointing) Mary replies, "That is a sheep, it has wool." Teacher "Very good, Mary. now who knows what that is?" (points) Freddie; "That's a cow. it has milk." This repeats for all the animals and most of the implements of the farm. Finally teacher points at an object on the barn roof, "And who knows what that is?" Slick Willie: "That's a weathercock. it tells the wind direction." Teacher; "And why is it called a weathercock?" Slick Willie; "'Cause if it were a weathercunt, the wind would blow through it and nobody'd know shit." I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday to look at the new Silverado 3500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel." A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want fat head?" The girl helping them says, "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice, big truck! The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my nice, big house! The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that, too, until fat head came along! Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes Go In First. Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their T-shirts? A: Tits Go In Front. Q: Why did God give blondes given bigger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump men's legs at parties. Johnny's class is on a field trip to the farm. The teacher asks, "Can anyone tell the class what that is?" (pointing) Mary replies, "That is a sheep, it has wool." Teacher "Very good, Mary. now who knows what that is?" (points) Freddie; "That's a cow. it has milk." This repeats for all the animals and most of the implements of the farm. Finally teacher points at an object on the barn roof, "And who knows what that is?" Slick Willie; "That's a weathercock. it tells the wind direction." Teacher; "And why is it called a weathercock?" Slick Willie; "'Cause if it were a weathercunt, the wind would blow through it and nobody'd know shit." Q: What do most sheep die of in Scotland? A: Broken necks from trying to turn their heads around to kiss their shepherds they are getting fucked by them. Q: Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?. A: It improves eye-to-hand coordination.. It's Going To Be A Rotten Day When... You wake up face down on the pavement. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. You want to put away the clothes you wore home from the party but there aren't any. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city. Your twin sister forgot your birthday. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angles onto the freeway. Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. You wake up and your braces are locked together. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. Your income check bounces. You put both contact lenses in the same eye. Your pet rock snaps at you. Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. Little Johnny was saying his prayers one night, and ended with "God bless Grandpa." In the morning the family discovered Grandpa dead in his bed. Johnny explained the possible link between his special prayer the night before and the sudden death, but no one paid him heed. The next night Johnny prayed, "God bless Grandma." She too was found dead the next morning, and when Johnny told of his prayer, everyone became very concerned. On the third night Johnny prayed, "God bless Pa." Johnny's mother told her husband of the prayer, and he became instantly paranoid and was unable to sleep a wink. In the morning he dragged his ass to work. At the end of the day he returned and complained, "What a horrible day! No sleep last night, accidents at work, and everyone arguing!" "Hah! You think you had a bad day!" said his wife, "The mailman dropped dead on our front porch this morning." Q: What do lawyers and prostitutes have in common? A: They're both paid to get you off. "What seems to be your problem?" the doctor asked his old geezer patient. "I would like to have my sex drive lowered," he answered. "I would think that your sex drive would all be in your head," the doctor retorted. "It is. That's why I want it lowered." Q: How do you get a lesbian to like you? A: Don't be a dick. It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer." So she said, "There'll be none of that kind of thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!" The kid said "No, really teacher, it IS Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little Slick Willie from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!" A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive. Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned to the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No". But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters.They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over." A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis." Q: Why do blondes wear a ponytail? A: To hide the air valve stem. Q: How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.? A: With a tire gauge. In the bar the other day, I was telling that old joke about what do you should do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bathtub? Answer. Throw in your washing. We were all having a good laugh about this when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said, ''I don't find that very funny. My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bathtub during one of his fits.'' I said, ''Sorry, dude, did he drown?'' "No, he said, ''He choked on a sock.'' Dear Abby. I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started wringing one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains, when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from the start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert? A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a superhot chick comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver and cheese' in a sentence can have me." So the white guy says, "I love liver and cheese." She says, "That's not good enough." The black guy says, "I hate liver and cheese," and she says, "that's not creative." And then the Mexican says, "liver alone cheese mine." The salesman (a black guy wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round. I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor. A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their ailments. "My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup." "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my coffee." "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck." "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy." "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old." "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive." Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Ms Rottencrotch." Ms Rottencrotch said: "Well, give me the good news first, Doc." Doctor, speaking rather somberly, said, "Your lab tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone." Ms Rottencrotch smiled, and said "Gee, that's great! But what's the bad news?" Doctor: "We don't know what killed them." Q: If a female sex addict is called a nymphomaniac, what is a male sex addict called? A: A man. "My doctor said that if I don't give up sex, I'll be dead within a week," the man told his friend. "Holy shit! Why is that?" "Because I'm fucking his wife.' Q: Why did the Avon lady walk funny? A: Her lipstick. Q: Did you hear about the gay guy that's on the patch? A: He's down to four butts a day. This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No. Just up to my tits." Q: What's the difference between an ironing board and a blonde? A: It's hard to get an ironing board's legs open. Q: Did you hear about the new jeans Calvin Klein designed for faggots? A: They have kneepads in front and a zippered trapdoor on the ass. A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Daddy, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine." Q: What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist? A: Well, the hematologist pricks your finger... Q: What did the queer masochist say when he entered the Western bar? A: "I'll bet any man in this place can whip me." Q: What is the most tasteless song you can play at an oldster's dance? A: Taps. Q: What do you call a faggot who has had a vasectomy? A: A seedless fruit. Q: What is the primary difference between eating pussy and eating sushi? A: The rice. A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?" "I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered. "I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled. "What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?" Q: What's the difference between a sheep and a door? A: You can't bang a door in the middle of a field. Daffynition - Hijacking: a masturbating astronaut. Q: Did you hear about the faggot in biology class? A: Why all the other students were dissecting frogs, he kept opening flies. Q: What is the difference between a Polish woman and a Bigfoot? A: One is 6 feet tall, dirty, hairy, and smelly, and the other just has really big feet. Q: What is the difference between worry and panic? A: Twenty-eight days. Q: How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? A: All he cared about was legs, breasts, and thighs. Q: When do you know you're really lonely? A: Your own tongue starts to feel good in your mouth. Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills. Wife: When must I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you. Question - Are there too many immigrants in the United States ? 17% said Yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please. Me no speaka engrish." The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed, 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I t old him "MIDNIGHT" He didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times.giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." Dear Paul, Last week I left for work as normal, but after having driven only a mile my car broke down. So I walked home again and, arriving unexpectedly, I found my hot 18 year old babysitter handcuffed to the bed with her school uniform torn off her and laying on our bed and my naked husband on top of her! I am devastated can you help? Dear Sally... A common cause for this is dirt in the carburetor. Don't let your fuel drop too low in the tank. Hope this helps. --PAUL. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: Why can't blondes ever water ski? A: Every time their crotches get wet, they think they have to lie down. Surefire Ways To Know You're A Woman 1. You're a bitch. 2. When asked if something is bothering you, you reply no. Then get pissed off when you are believed. 3. Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him and immediately expect him to stop this behavior. 4. Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening. 5. Whine. 6. If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost super-human level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep, it's because he is lazy. 7. If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you. 8. If he gives you space, he is ignoring you. 9. Demand to be treated as an equal in everything. Except when paying for meals, plane tickets, concerts, beers, etc. These are required gifts proving his love. 10. Declare PMS at any given time. If he is knowledgeable about your cycle, tell him you're irregular from all of the stress of your life. 11. Remember that any woman who so much as looks at your boyfriend must be labeled a whore and your network of friends must be informed immediately to spread this as quickly as possible. 12. Make his life miserable by making him feel guilty about doing anything other than catering to your needs. Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Miss Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Smith, you can't claim you weren't warned." Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater? A: An armadildo. Three drunks are in a bar. First one says, "I'm the bravest guy in here." His friends say, "Prove it." He puts his hand on the bar and tells the bartender cut it off. Whack! Off comes the hand. The second man walks to bar. Yells out, "Cut off my arm!" Whack! Off comes the arm. The third man walks to bar, stands on a stool, pulls out his penis. The bartender asks, "Do you want me to cut it off?" "NO!" yells the man. "Just rub it, it'll come off itself." Daffynition - "Egghead" : What Mrs.Dumpty gives to Humpty. Q. How did the faggot break his leg at the golf course? A. He fell off the ball washer. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage. Q: What did one gay mouse say to the other? A: Your hole or mine? "Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously. "Nah," replied the blonde mother to be. "He and my husband don't get along." Q: How can you tell if your ladder was manufactured in Poland? A: There is a sign on the top step that says, "stop." Q: What's the best way to keep your dog from shitting all over your lawn? A: Mix some instant cement into his Gravy Train. A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis. He called in his receptionist to show her. She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis." "Holy Shit! You mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked. "No," she replied. "That dead." Q: Where do they post pictures of missing "transsexuals"? A: On cartons of half-and-half. Q. What's the definition of gross? A. When you go down on a pregnant woman and something grabs your tongue. This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't tell the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in. "OK, my good woman, what is your problem?" the doctor asks. "Well," she says, "my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles away. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out." The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see this happen all the time." He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and, seeing her enormous pussy, says: "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?" The wife left a note on the refrigerator: "It's not working, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my parents'." I opened the refrigerator, the light came on and the beer was cold; not sure what she was talking about... Air Force Test for Career Suitability One of the questions from the career placement test given college student applicants for a military commission. "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect." Those who answered "SPINE" went to medical school... the rest went to pilot training. Q: What did Santa say to Mrs Claus when she found him screwing Prancer? A: Oh, well, it's cold out. I was just giving him a jump start. My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job. Pretty funny when you think about it, because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt. Q: Why do brunettes always wear training bras? A: It's cheaper than changing their bandaids every day. Since the beginning of time women have claimed that giving birth is more painful than a kick in the testicles. That's not true, and here's the proof - often you will hear a woman say she'd like to have another child, but never will you hear a man say he'd like to get another kick in the testicles. A doctor performed minor surgery on a young wife and instructed her, “Now you won't be able to have sex for one week.” “Did you hear what the doctor said?” she asked her husband sitting in the other chair, “No sex for one whole week!” “Yes,” the husband replied, “but he was talking to you.” The Polack was filling out a job application. When he came to the line that said, “Name,” he wrote “Stanislawski, Ladislaus.” When he came to the next line that said, “Nickname,” he wrote, “Hole, Ass.” When I was young I didn't like going to weddings. My grandmother would always tell me, "You're next!" However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals. Q: Did you hear about Woody Allen's latest movie? A: It's called, "Honey, I Married the Kids." A 16 year daughter shows up in the house really late after her first date. Her angry mother asks her where the hell she's been all night. "Mom, I think I am in love!" "What do you mean, that's not likely on your first date!" "Yeah, but I sucked his dick and then he fucked me in the ass." "That's not love, my little one, that's lust! When you first get fucked in the ass and then suck his dick - that's love." The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1- Life sucks 2- Job sucks 3- Wife does NOT! Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants. "Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says. "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?" Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says, "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!" Q: Why did God give women orgasms? A: So they've got something else to moan about. According to the Office for National Statistics 190,374 people are having sex right now 212,130 are kissing and one poor sod is reading emails You hang in there sunshine! A guy goes inside the confessional and says: "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I saw a man having sex with an underage boy." "Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?" Q: What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats? A: Bisexual. Q: How many feminoids does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop? A: None, they are all too busy sucking my dick. They now say that tests on monkeys prove that HIV can be transmitted through oral sex. What I want to know is, what weirdo was hired to blow the monkeys? John sat glumly all evening eyeing his wife suspiciously. Finally, he blurted, "Linda, admit it. You've been sucking off the dog!" "What!" she shouted. "How can you say such a thing?" "I've been watching you two," Herb answered, "and every time you yawn, he gets a hard-on!"   Q: What do a gun and a wife have in common? A: Keep 'em around the house long enough and you're bound to shoot 'em. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: 99 cents a minute. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says "A computer." Teacher replies "That'd be very useful." 2nd kid says "A new lawn mower," and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothin." The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something. Little Johnny replies, "No I'm sure. When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying, "Well, that's the last damned thing we need." Q: What competitive disadvantage does a leper prostitute suffer? A: She can only give head once. Two lepers went fishing. One cast his arm in and the other laughed his head off. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back. KY Jelly jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their recent product: "Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!" A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island. There was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years even that stopped. He was always preparing for the day when he would be resqued. One morning he saw a ship turn into the cove and he quickly ran to the woodpile and started it afire. He then threw wet seaweed on top and the smoke was bellowing high in the air. All of a sudden the ship starts to come his way. He gets all excited and thinks I am finally going to be saved! The first thing I want is to take a hot shower, then they are going to give me some clothes and I am going to go upstairs and have a nice dinner. I will find a nice lady to dance with then I will take her to her cabin and we can kiss and I can fondle her body. She will start to take off her clothes and she will be wearing red satin panties, and I will rub them. With this, he starts to get an erection; he slips his hand into his shorts, grabs his penis and yells,"Ha, Ha, Ha - I LIED ABOUT THE SHIP." A guy walks a chick to her door after their first date. He asks her if she had a good time. She tells him yes, but that to get her really horny she likes her men to be Rough, Tough, and Selfish. The next week the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a biker's black leathers. He grabs, her throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and away they go to the nearest biker bar. The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers. When they get back to her house, he drags her up to her bedroom. He asks her, "Well, was I Rough?" "Yes," she purrs and rubs herself suggestively. "And was I Tough?" he asks. "Oh yes," she moans. "Well then its time to be Selfish." So saying, he whips out his dick and gives himself a handjob. A guy gets married but is a virgin and needs help with technique. He gets a friend to tag along and rent a room that connects via the bathroom. He figures he can pretend that nature called and go get advice at any time. As soon as he and his wife get started, he becomes confused and rushes to the bathroom. While he's in there, his new bride discovers that she needs to take a dump badly. She finds a shoebox and squats down and takes care of business. As she finishes, he starts to come out of the bathroom so she turns out the lights and jumps into bed. As he walks across the room, he steps in the shoebox and screams, "Oh man, this box is full of shit!" His buddy's voice booms out from the bathroom, "Turn 'er over Fred, turn 'er over!" Q: How do you know when a man is a sadist? A: When he fucks a chick all night with a four inch dick, and in the morning kisses her goodbye with a nine inch tongue. Q: What do the Japanese call cunnilingus? A: "Constluctive cliticism." Q: Why can there never be any Mexican astronauts? A: Because every time someone yells "Launch!" they go out and eat. Q: Why do Jewish American Princesses use tampax instead of sanitary napkins? A: Because nothing gets to go in without a string attached. This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards. Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did ... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. Q. What's a clitoris? A. A female hood ornament. Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll? A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin. Q: How do you get a woman off during sex? A: Push her. Q: What's the definition of a teenager? A: God's punishment for enjoying sex. Q: Why did Michael Jackson like children so much? A: He knew how they feel. Q: Why was Michael Jackson relieved of his Cub Scout Leader duties? A: He was up to a pack a day. Q: How did Michael Jackson actually proposition the little boy? A: It was just a slip of the tongue. Q: Hear about the new Michael Jackson doll? A: It comes in a little can. Q: What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Little Boy Blew. Q: How did Michael Jackson get in trouble? A: He was feeling a little Randy. Q: If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear? A: A hole in it. Q: Why did Michael Jackson invite MacCauly Caulkin to the house? A: He's like the little boy he never had. Q: Why did Michael Jackson really to go to rehab? A: He was a crack addict. Famous Movies Written In Ebonics: What if some famous movies were remade to fit into todays pop culture? Instead of being in boring old English they'd be written in Ebonics. Some friends of mine have taken the liberty of translating a few easily identifiable movie quotes into this new language for your reading pleasure. "Luke, I'm your father." Ebonics: "Hey boy, I's yo daddy." "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!" Ebonics: "Later, bitch!" "To be or not to be? That is the question." Ebonics: "Is I is or is I ain't? Shiiit" "I'll be back." Ebonics: "I'z fixin' to bust a cap in yo ass." "We're off to see the wizard." Ebonics: "We's fixin' to see the hoodoo 'bout some voodoo." "You've got to get mad! Stand up wherever you are, go to the nearest window and yell as loud as you can: 'I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!'" Ebonics: Fuuuuuck You! "We're going to need a bigger boat." Ebonics: You see da teeth on this mutha fucka? Turn this piece-a-shit around and get my black ass back to shore! "I am Spartacus." Ebonics: "Who da fuck beez Spartacus?" Medical Terms - Ebonics Style! Benign................What you be after you be eight. Artery................The study of paintings. Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria. Barium................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan...............Searching for kitty. Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her. Colic.................A sheep dog. Coma..................A punctuation mark. D & C.................Where Washington is. Dilate................To live long. Enema.................Not a friend. Fester................Quicker than someone else. Fibula................A small lie. Genital...............Non-Jewish person. G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on. Impotent..............Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates. Node..................Was aware of Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted. Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test. Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative........A letter carrier. Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery. Rectum................Darn near killed him. Secretion.............Hiding something. Seizure...............Roman emperor. Tablet................A small table. Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station Tumor.................More than one. Urine.................Opposite of you're out. Varicose..............Near by/close by. Vein..................Conceited. Q: Why did Michael Jackson hide for a couple hours after one of his little friends left? A: It took that long to get the bubble gum off his dick. Q: What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson? A: Michael Jackson has had more noses. Q: Did you hear about the duet by Michael Jackson and Elton John? A: It's called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me." Did Jacko commit the attack-o? Is he guilty of an illegal fudge pack-o? Cut the man some slack-o. It's evidence we lack-o. Maybe he just squirted lotion on the kid's back-o. Michael Jackson decided to have a boy of his own because it was too expensive to rent them at $14 million a pop. Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on child rearing: "Spare the rod, and spoil the child." My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker. Well ... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee. One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee, and there's the chief masturbating again. He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman." The chief says, "Her arm get tired." I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! Bubba's wife caught him blow drying his penis this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing. Apparently, "Heating up your breakfast" wasn't the right answer! A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City. A woman may go to this store and purchase a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. RULES FOR PURCHASING A HUSBAND: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1- These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. "That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more." So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. ************************************************************************** To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited. Daffynition - Stalemate: A chick not willing to try new tricks. Betty and Rose were talking about their sex lives and Betty said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time. "Wow," said Rose, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there." Betty said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce." Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony? A: He was getting into everybody's hair. Q: Why do sharks always circle around you in the water before they start to eat you? A: So they can scare all the shit out of you first. Two rednecks were drinking beer on a porch and one told the other, “Did you know that on the average, elk have sex five times per night?” “Shit!” said the other, “And I just done gone and joined the American Legion.” A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the "other way" in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says, "No, my father said I don't have to do this." Her husband says, "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children." Confucius say: Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. One day a mother cleaning her teenage son's closet found an S&M magazine and then consulted with her husband about it. The husband flipped through the magazine, then said, "Well, I don't think that we should spank him." During a blind date the guy and the girl were filling each other in on their past histories. The guy said, “I was once granted a wish by a genie of having either a longer penis or a longer memory.” “Which choice did you make?” she asked coyly. “I don't remember.” Q: Why did the Irishman climb up onto the roof of the bar? A: He heard that drinks were on the house. Q: Why did the Polack start take off his clothes at the football game? A: The coach told him it was an exhibition game. One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat". We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks! " He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE who wanted the dirty cat, NOT him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my husband "El-Cheap-O," and my husband calls him "El-Take-O." They love to hate each other and constantly "snipe" at each other, with my husband getting in the last word on this occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his own doctor, who happens to be located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see him. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved and she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door. Now THAT, my friends, is getting even... Two gay guys were caught in the act in a public park by a policeman. As the cop tried to arrest them for their act of public indecency, they bolted away. The cop pursued after them and managed to catch one of them. He told him, "When I catch your boyfriend I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his ass." Just then a voice calls out from behind a tree. "Yoo-hoo, Officer. I'm over here." The young man was very nervous about getting his first prostate exam. The urologist, in order to put his mind at ease, said, "Don't worry. It's quite normal at this stage to have an erection." "I don't have an erection, Doc." "No, but I do." A chick was just diagnosed by her doctor as being pregnant . She told him that her husband wanted her to ask him a question. "I know, I know. They always ask the same thing. The answer is yes, you can continue to have sex up until the third trimester," he said. "No, that's not what he told me to ask you," she replied, "He wants to know if I can still mow our lawn." Daffynition - Platonic Relationship: What develops after two good friends are tired of fucking each other. Q: What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? A: A boneless chicken. The local police department had been accused of racism. So the civilian review board was questioning senior police officers. The inquisitor asked a sergeant, “If a white mugger and a black mugger came charging at you at the same time, which one would you shoot first?” “The white mugger.” “Good!” said the inquisitor. “Why shoot the white one first?” “Business before pleasure.” “I've been having sex with both my girlfriend and her twin,” the young man told his buddy. “Cool! How do you tell them apart?” the fried asked. “Her brother's got a mustache.” Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter? A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth. One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband says gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits." At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls. "I can't" replies our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars." Emily Sue passed away and BillyBubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?" Q: What do blow jobs and flowers have in common? A: After the first year they are only given on special occasions. Q: How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you? A: You have to make airplane noises to get your cock in her mouth. Q: What's the difference between a women that's had a child and a women who hasn't? A: One has a has a tiny tot, and one has a tiny twat. Q: What did the child molester say when he got out of prison? A: I feel like a kid again! This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, so she goes to the doctor. "Doctor I think I have the crabs." "When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks. "I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied. The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. First, the good news. You don't have any crabs. Now, the bad news. You've got fruit flies. Your cherry rotted."  Forty gypsies, complete with ponys and caravans turn up at the Pearly Gates demanding to be let in. St. Peter explains that he just can't let them all in at once and tells them to "Hang on a few minutes, while I just have a word with my Boss." So he goes off and gets on the phone to God. God says to him, "Go back down to them, but don't let any of them through the Pearly Gates until you've talked to them and established who have sinned and who have been righteous. Then get back on the phone to me and let me know how it went." So St.Peter goes back down to talk to the gypsies. But, only minutes later he's back on the phone to God, "God, God! They've all gone!" God replies, "What? All forty of them?" St.Peter replies, "No, the Pearly Gates!" Q: What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder. Q: What happens when a boy reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Obamanomics has so destroyed our economy that wives are even having sex with their husbands since they can't afford batteries for their vibrators any more. Q: What's the difference between Vision and Sight? A: Jessica Simpson is a vision. Rosie O'Donnell is a sight. A woman went to the dentist and, upon examination, was told that she was going to need a root canal done. She asked the doctor if a root canal would hurt. He said a little more than having a baby. She said, "I would rather have a baby." He said, "Well make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair." When the farmboy went to the drugstore he asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?" The pharmacist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?" "Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases." The pharmacist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?" The boy paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up!" The problem with encouraging guys to follow their dreams is that they could get arrested for stalking. Q: What is a 72? A: A 69 with a 5 percent meal tax. Q: How is an old lady like Australia? A: Everyone knows what's "down under" but who gives a shit? Q: What's the best way to make a pussy talk to you? A: Stick a tongue in it. Welfare Investigator: "How many children do you have?" Welfare Leech: "Fo'." Welfare Investigator: "May I have their names, please?" Welfare Leech: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie, and Cleotius." Welfare Investigator: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'Cleotius'?" Welfare Leech: "Because we didn't want no Mo'." Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits. Bitch. Little Johnny and his dad were in the front yard attempting to fly a kite. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until Little Johnny's mom stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!" Little Johnny's father yelled back "Shut the Fuck up you BITCH! I told you yesterday that I needed more tail, and you told me to go fly a fucking kite!" Q: Why is a joke like a pussy? A: Neither is any fun if you don't get it. Q: What do a girl from a trailer park and a bear have in common? A: They both lick their paws. Q: Did you hear about the blind skunk? A: He wasted half an hour flirting with a fart. Two faggots were on the beach, one says to the other, "Shall I put the umbrella up?" The other one replies, "Yes! But don't open it!" Q: What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbians apartment? A: Potpourri. Q: What's the difference between a hunting dog and a homo? A: A hunting dog sics ducks. Q: How are dicks like fishing, for a chick? A: She throws away the small ones, eats the medium ones, and mounts the really big ones. Q: How is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper? A: They're both looking for dead beaver. Q: Why did Snow White get hired for the soft drink commercial? A: Because every night she had Seven up. Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest? A: When her favorite sexual position is next door. Q: How does an asthmatic lesbian breathe? A: In snatches. Q: Why did Lois Lane divorce Superman? A: He turned out to be a speeding bullet in bed as well as out of bed. The principal of the rural high school called the farm boy into his office and asked him, “Johnny, why haven't you been to class for four straight days?” “My Pa's been punishing me by making me do chores both day and night.” “Why?” “My Pa caught me having sex with livestock.” “How did he find out?” asked the principal. “The pig squealed.” Two boys were walking down the rural road when they came across two dogs fucking. “Ain't it a bitch?” said the first one. “It'd better be, or the one on top's a fucking queer.” Q: How do you recognize a gay Hindi? A: He has a red dot on the back of his head. Q: Did you hear about the new Teamsters matches? A: They'll strike anywhere. Q: Did you hear about the new Teamsters doll? A: You wind it up and it steals your pension fund. Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos? A: The ones in the casinos are serious. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. They should give orgies with lots of hot strippers! A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite good. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch. DATING DON'Ts FOR GUYS There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date: "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?" "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin." "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it." "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look." "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am." "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast." A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God! I thought you were sitting on the cat." Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers? A: Mexican sewers have diving boards. Q: Why don't debutantes go to orgies? A: There'd be too many Thank You notes to write. My sister is asthmatic. Last week in the middle of an attack she got an obscene phone call. He said, "Did I call you or did you call me?" Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? A: Gladiator! A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a 15 year old girl, and the madam replied: "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers." Q: What is the worst thing about becoming a priest? A: You give up your own sex life and then once a week people come to you and tell you all about theirs. Q: What do a cheap hotel and tight pants have in common? A: No ballroom. Q: What do you get when a faggot gets Alzheimer's? A: A guy who spends all day wondering why his ass hurts. Q: What has 2 gray legs and 2 brown legs? A: An elephant with diarrhea. Q: What is every Amish woman's private fantasy? A: Two Mennonite. Q: Hear about the Pakistani who bought a pair of odor eaters? A::They ate him.   Two muslim women are trying on backpacks in a department store. One turns to the other and asks, "Hey, does my bomb look big in this?" Q: What's the difference between a muslim sexdoll and a catholic sexdoll? A: The muslim sexdoll blows ITSELF up. Q: What do you call a severed head, two arms, and a liver? A: Jeffrey Dahmer's ex-boyfriend. Q: What did one cow say to the other as they saw the neighboring farm boy fucking their owner's daughter in the hay loft? A: Shit! More cum in our breakfast tomorrow morning. Q: Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank? A: Sperm is handmade. A man is talking to God. The man: "God, how long is a million years?" God: "To Me, it's about a minute." The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?" God: "To Me it's a penny." The man: "God, may I have a penny?" God: "Wait a minute." Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. There's no business like show business, but there's no job like a blowjob. Q: When does a cub become a boy scout? A: When he eats his first Brownie. Q: How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner? A: Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn things. After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow." The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'" A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a small dick." "Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big mouth." Did you ever hear one of these corny, "positive" messages on someone's answering machine? They usually go something like this: "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are, too. The thought for the day is, 'Share the love.' Leave your name and number after the beep. I'll get right back at ya." <<< BEEP! >>> "Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being 'positive', your test is back. STOP sharing the love!" <<< Click >>> It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll Screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!" A black guy, an illegal alien, a Muslim, and a communist walk into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you...Mr. President?" The Obamanation goes on a State visit to Israel. While he is on a tour of Jerusalem, he has a fatal heart attack. The undertaker tells the US diplomats: "You can have all diplomatic forms processed and have him shipped home for $1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $100." The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker and tell him they still want Obama flown home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get him home when you could simply bury him here in the heart of civilization and you would only spend $100?” Another diplomat replied: "A little more than 2000 years ago a Man died here, was buried here and just 3 days later rose form the dead. We simply can't take that risk!” Three couples went to New York for a weekend but didn't have reservations. They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area. Each room had one bed. They took the rooms and decided to have the three women share one bed and the three men share the other. In the middle of the night, one man got up to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?" The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife." The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?" The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest erection I've ever had." The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you." The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?" The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick." Microchip Implant Allows Islamofascists to Speak to Allah. The implant is specifically designed to be injected in the forehead. When properly installed, it will allow the terrorist to speak to Allah. It comes in various sizes: Generally from .223 to .50 cal. The exact size of the implant will be selected by a well-trained and highly skilled technician, who will also make the injection. No anesthetic is required. The implant may or may not be painless. Side effects, like headaches, nausea, aches and pains are extremely temporary. Some bleeding or swelling may occur at the injection site. In most cases, you won't even notice it. Please enjoy the security we provide for you. Best regards, "I take great comfort in knowing that the last thing Osama bin Laden saw on this earth was an American." --A Navy Seal When ordering at a high-class restaurant, the customer asked his waiter, “How do you prepare your chicken?” “We don't warn them at all. We just lop their heads off.” A girl applied for a job in a lemon grove. After glancing at her resume the foreman asked her, “I need to know if you have any experience picking lemons.” “Of course,” she answered, “I've been married three times and I voted for Obama.” Q: Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist? A: He got the sack. Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson's last project was with Barney? A: It was Barney's new theme song (sung to the same tune as the old one): I touch you, you touch me, We don't tell your family . . .   Q: What are the most unfortunate words a doctor can choose to utter as a comfort to a patient nervously awaiting a circumcision? A: "It won't be long now."   Q: Did you hear about the first effort towards sexual application in the genetic engineering of food? A: They are trying to imbue the characteristics of a Mexican jumping bean into a cucumber to create the world's first organic vibrator.