Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass? A: A brain tumor. A zookeeper goes to the gorilla cage to see his gorilla. He decides to teach the gorilla some words, so he points to his eye.  "Eye," said the zookeeper.  The gorilla pulled out its big ass hand and slaps that zookeeper upside the head. The gorilla picks up the zookeeper and slams him onto all the rails. The gorilla finally dumps the zookeeper's bloody and beaten body outside the cage.  "What the fuck was that?" asked the zookeeper.    "Don't do that," said one of the workers, "When you point  to your eye, that means 'Fuck you' in gorilla language."   The zookeeper goes back to the gorilla cage and holds a  pickle up to his pants. He then takes out a knife and chops up  the pickle.  "Do what I do," said the man, handing the knife to  the gorilla to see if it would chop off its own dick.    The gorilla pointed to his eye. Q: Did you hear about the two queer truckers? A: They exchanged loads. Q: How do you give a blind queer a thrill? A: Leave the plunger in the toilet. A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra. It offers more support which will prevent a woman's breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden - even in cold temperatures. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the shit out of him. Murphy's Laws On Sex The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. Nothing improves with age. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. No sex with anyone in the same office. Virginity can be cured. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. It is always the wrong time of month. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. The younger the better. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hotdog stands on the moon. Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he couldn't. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. Love comes in spurts. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. Love is that a woman makes while a man is fucking her. Quotes From The Perfect Woman: 1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!" 2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?" 3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!" 4.) "Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnie over for a threesome!" 5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!" 6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?" 7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over." 8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping." 9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler." 10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?" 11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses." 12.) "I'll be out painting the house." 13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too." 14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing nude again, come see!" 15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house." 16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed." 17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you." 18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new set of clubs." 19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year, for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever." 20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?" 21.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8?" 23.) "You need your sleep, ya big silly! Now stop getting up for the night feedings." 24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!" 25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!" Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory? A: Two test tickles. Q: What is the difference between great literature and pornography? A: Great literature is frequently dusty but rarely dirty.   Q: What has two legs and bleeds? A: Half a dog. Q: What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road? A: Ask her why she left the kitchen. Q: What surprised OBL when he landed on the ocean floor? A: He was expecting 72 virgins, but got 72 sturgeons. Q: What was the last thing Bin Ladin said? A: I need a house full of SEALS like I need a hole in the head. BREAKING NEWS...ALL Mini-Marts, convenience stores, motels, and 7-11s will be closed this month due to a death in the family. Q: What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail? A: I feel like a kid again! There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway, a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway. In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy! Isn't that Dick Green?" "No," replied another, "I it's just a reflection from the grass." Q: Why does a squirrel swim on its back? A: To keep its nuts dry. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q. What do you do after you've just raped a 12yr old deaf and dumb girl? A. Break her fingers so she can't tell her mom.  Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow disease? A: Two tits! Q: Why do woman always appear to be changing their minds? A: It allows them continually to delude themselves that they have one. Pedophile Pete is walking down the street and he runs into one of his buddies. His buddy says: "Hey Pete, was that your new girlfriend I saw you with the other day?" Peter, looking somewhat embarrassed and shamed says, "Yeah." His buddy says "How old is she?" Looking even more shame-faced Pete replies, "Nine." His buddy says, "Isn't that a little old for you?" Pete says, "Yeah, but she's got the body of a six year old." Q: Why did God invent football? A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives. Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have? A: One that never misses a period. Q: Why are blondes quiet when they're having sex? A: Because they were raised not to talk to strangers. Q: Why do the blondes get confused in the bathroom? A: They not accustomed to pulling their own pants down. A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabiths?" And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack colored wabby?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon gives a fuck!" Q: Why do dogs always stick their noses in blondes' twats? A: Because they can get away with it. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with an elephant? A: A three-quarter ton pickup. Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Don't tell her to swallow. A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the State trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth." Q: What has two grey legs and two brown legs? A: An elephant with diarrhea. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who got a Toy Poodle for her birthday? A: She killed it trying to shove the batteries up its ass. There's nothing better than waking up to your girlfriend giving you a blowjob. Unless, maybe, it was your wife giving you the blowjob. Or maybe your wife watching *her* girlfriend give you a blowjob. Better yet, your wife and her girlfriend *and* your girlfriend all fighting over who gets to give you a blowjob and they all decide to tag team on the blowjob. The common theme, though, would be getting a blowjob. Top 10 Things NOT To Say To Parents When Picking Up A Date. 10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore." 9. "Show me how you used to spank her." 8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter." 7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?" 6. "I just got my license today." 5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature." 4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup." 3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?" 2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'" 1. "So, does your wife just lie there during sex too?" Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. Q: How is a blonde like a road? A: Both have manholes. Daffynition - Mistress: something in between a mister and a mattress. Farmer Billy Bob is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner. The minister says, "My, Billy Bob, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?" The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!" Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a lightbulb? A:The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on. Q: At what point does a priest need a prescription for viagra? A: When his altar boy class exceeds 10 members. Cruising Down The Highway A young couple was out cruising one evening. While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl, "I know you love going fast! If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all your clothes?" "Yes!" she agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch, but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road." She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with astonishment, "I think it's too late . . . he's too far in!" Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. Q: Why don't most blondes like anal sex? A: They don’t like their brains being screwed with. Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?" The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning." "I'm so sorry to hear that," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?" "No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have on my mind." Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper? A: They're both hunting for dead beaver. Q: Why is it better to have a white teacher than a nigger? A: It's easier to take an apple to school than a watermelon. An old nigger was reminiscing the other day, "When I was a kid, mammy would send me down to the store wif a dolla an I'd come back wif 5 pounds o potatoes, 2 loafs o bread, 3 pints o milk, a pound o cheese, a packet o tea, an half a dozen eggs. Ya can't do dat no mo. Now dey gots security cameras." Q: What are a blonde's three lies? A1: You're the best. A2: You're the biggest. A3: It doesn't always smell that way. A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tshirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' Tshirt on Monday?" "Oh shit!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front'." A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?" "Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!" "Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question." "I object!" the defense said again. "No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer." The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?" The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know." Q: Harry's blonde wife asks, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?" A: He answers, "No, our house isn't blue." Q: What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? A: A mobile sperm bank. Two white convicts escape from their prison, only to find that a nigger has followed them out and is running along with them. The three of them see a few tree in the distance and they each climb up one to avoid the bloodhounds that are tracking them. When the prison guards and dogs get to the first tree the dogs go crazy, barking and jumping. The the first white convict goes, "Meeeow," and the guards think it is just a cat stuck in a tree. So they go to the next tree where the second white convict says, "Hooo Hooo Hoo Hoooooo." The police figure it is just an owl in the tree. The nigger, hearing how the two white guys avoided capture, figures he will do the same, and when the dogs get to his tree, he lets out a loud, "Uhu Uhu HuHuHu Uhu," and gets captured. Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A: A blow job with handlebars. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a hardcore redneck? A: If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still know which one to spit out. Q: What do a blonde and a barn have in common? A: They always have a cock in them. Mary: Larry and Karen are getting a divorce. Jill: You're kidding! I thought they had so much in common. Mary: Actually, that's the problem. They both like pussy. It seems that once again all us white folks have missed a great opportunity. While all the niggers attended the Obamanation's inauguration and parades, we should have broken into their homes and gotten all our shit back. Q: What happened when the blonde tried to give her boyfriend a blow-job while he was driving? A: They both fell off the motorcycle. Q: Why do blondes so enjoy giving blow jobs? A: They know it's about the only time that they can get anything straight in their heads. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her date before having sex? A: Do you want to pay for this by the hour, or the flat rate? Q: What do you get when a typical six foot blonde bends over? A: A three foot brunette. Q: Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel? A: Because there's no fucking overhead. Q: How can a blonde tell when her date suffers from premature ejaculation? A: When he comes walking in the door. The Robot Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious technogeek."Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!" "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!" GARFIELD ON THE OIL CRISIS: A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in: -ALASKA -California -Coastal Florida -Coastal Louisiana -North Dakota -Wyoming -Colorado -Kansas -Oklahoma -Pennsylvania -Texas Our dipsticks are located in DC During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want Excitement! Adventure! Money! And beautiful hot chicks! I'll never find any of those here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me!" With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed closely behind. "Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me." "Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you!" A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one day to find that his hot bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home to find her in the kitchen preparing some food. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long. She replied, "These four hot men kidnapped me and had wild, wild sex with me for a week." The husband answered, "But it's only been two days! What do you mean a whole week?" She answered, "I am just here to get something to fuckin' eat." Q: What's the bad news about being a test tube baby? A: You know for sure that your dad is a wanker. Euphemisms For Impotence 1- A few parts shy of an erector set 2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense 3- Disappointing Miss Daisy 4- Ascension Deficit Disorder 5- Bouncing the Check of Love 6- All Dolled up with nowhere to go 7- Serving boneless pork Q: What do a toilet and a woman have in common? A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for shit. Q: What will they call the upcoming movie about Michael Jackson? A: "The African Queen." Q: Did you hear that Michael Jackson was running for President? A: His campaign slogan was "Leave No Child's Behind." Q: What happened when Michael talked about sex? A: It was all very tongue in cheek. Q: What had 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q: What's the difference between Michael and a proctologist? A: The proctologist didn't pay for the assholes he poked around in. Q: What's the most difficult stain to try to remove from a little boy's underpants? A: Michael Jackson's makeup. Q: Have you heard about the new Michael Jackson candy bar? A: It's made from white chocolate, and contains no nuts. Height of Confusion: Two earthworms fucking in a bowl of noodles. Height of Pain: A monkey sliding down a knife's edge using his balls as his brakes. Height of Honesty: A pregnant woman asking the bus conductor for one and a half ticket. Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping through the keyhole of a glass door. Height of Revenge: A bastard puncturing all the condoms in a contraceptive factory. Height of Noise: Two skeletons fucking on a tin roof. Height of Itch: A fat man hanging (upside down) from a roof trying to scratch his balls. Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in prostitute's cunt. Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the rest. Height of Competition: A guy peeing against Niagara Falls. Height of Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island populated by faggots. Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw. Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper. Height of Technology: Condom with zipper. Q: Why do women have arms? A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean? Q: What does a blonde call a blow job in a Honda? A: Her Civic duty. A blonde at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator."  "So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "I'll just fake an orgasm like always." The newlywed Pollack didn't know what to do with his bride, so he asked her. She told him: "Just get that thing you always play with and put it where I pee." So he went and got his bowling ball and tossed it in her sink. Some X-Rated Movie / TV Titles *All That Jizz *Anus the Menace *The Cockford Files *The Cunt of Miss October *Enema of the State *Fast Times on Rich Mens' Thighs *Howard The Fuck *Mr. Holland Groped Us *Titti Slickers II *The Search for the Golden Curlies *Willy Wanker at the Fudge-Packing Factory Q: Why can't blondes count to 70? A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful. Q: Who's always happier than a necrophile in a morgue? A: A pedophile in charge of an orphanage. Q: Why do blondes have foreheads? A: So we have a place to kiss them after we come in their mouths. Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant? A: Tartar sauce. Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes? A: Because they go and answer the fucking door. Q: Why did the blonde have lipstick all over her steering wheel? A: She was trying to blow her horn. Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause? A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins. Q: Why can't little girls fart? A: Because they don't get assholes until they get married. Dear Mom and Dad,     Our scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Walt got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did. Also some of our clothes. David is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Walt gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Walt said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He lets us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Walt is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Walt wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Walt isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Walt said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he finally got paroled and became our scoutmaster. He seems really glad, too. He sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedophile? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy Vaseline. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Cole My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key and throw me out of the house." Well she didn't actually put it like that... actually what she said was, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed." A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" "That's nothing!" she retorted, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!" A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am.that's your air freshener." I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a hot, stacked, blonde chick, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in Park?" Daffynition - "Getting your head above water": receiving a blowjob on a boat. Q: Why did God create Man before he created Woman? A: Because He didn't want any advice. Q. How do you make a dog drink? A. Stick it in a blender. Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common? A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride. Q: Why is a turd better than a woman? A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it. Q: What's a blonde's favorite rock group? A: Air Supply. A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt. "Why are you wearing a 'Thank God it's Friday' T-shirt on Monday?" "Oh damn!" the blonde says, "I thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front'!" Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A: When his hand caught on fire. A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner...once she stops sucking, change the fucking bag. Two kids playing in a lane found a donkey who had died with a hardon. Being the mischievous kind of boys, they cut off the donkey's dick and began brandishing it in the air. Just then, a police officer on his bicycle came up the lane, and the boys, not wanting to be caught with it, tossed it over the wall of the Nunnery. Sister Agnes and Sister Mary taking their afternoon stroll found the dick in the bushes.  "Oh sweet Jesus," says Sister Agnes. "What's wrong?" asks Sister Mary.  "You've gone as white as a sheet." "It's those dirty Protestant bastards," Sister Agnes replies.  "They have murdered Father O'Toole!" A young Amish boy, Little Johnny, is sitting on his bed reading the Bible. Suddenly, his father storms in, grabs him and drags him out into the pasture. In the pasture is one sheep chewing grass.  His father points to the sheep and says, "Thou hast had sex with yon sheep!" Little Johnny kneels and says, "Father forgive me for I did indeed spill my seed in yon lowly beast." Saddened his father says, "Thou art forgiven my son. But know this... there will be REAL trouble if I ever taste it again!" A woman is on the witness stand testifying: "I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can...I...I don't even remember what happened next..." The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!" TOP 10 OLD FOLKS' PARTY GAMES 1. Sag, You're It! 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 4. Kick the Bucket. 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 6. Doc, Doc Goose 7. Simon Says Something Incoherent 8. Hide and Go Pee 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta 10. Musical Recliners Q: Why haven't any women astronauts even been sent to the Moon? A: Because the Moon doesn't need cleaning. Q: What is better than a cold Bud? A: A warm bush. Q: What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? A: Goes-in-tight! Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader. Q: How do you teach a blonde math? A: Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her. Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg? A: They don't stop to ask for directions, either. An aging prostitute had so many men that no longer could she be satisfied. Before retiring she staged a contest and offered a thousand dollar prize to any man who could bring her to orgasm. All the men in town lined up to try. From the Mayor to the courthouse janitor, no one could make her cum. She was sadly disappointed and ready to give up when a midget showed up to try. Much to her surprise the little fellow gave her the thrill of her life, and walked away with the thousand dollars. All of the other men were amazed and demanded to know his secret. The Midget finally fessed up, "I stuck my head in her pussy, wiggled my ears, and vomited." A hot chick was sitting alone in a bar when a guy walked up to her and asked her if he could buy her a drink. "I'm sorry," she said, "but I have a boyfriend." "Really?" the man replied. "I have a goldfish." "What does that have to do with anything?" she countered. "Oh, I'm sorry," he answered. "I thought we were talking about stuff that doesn't matter." At the adult theater a guy noticed a hot chick sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her miniskirt and was playing with herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so the guy started playing with her like crazy. When he grew tired and withdrew his hand, he vigorously wiped her odor on his full beard, then was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. "Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!" ALZHEIMER'S TEST How fast can you complete these words? 1. F_ _K 2. PU_S_ 3. S_X 4. P_N_S 5. BOO_S 6. _ _NDOM Answers: 1. FORK 2. PULSE 3. SIX 4. PANTS 5. BOOKS 6. RANDOM You got all 6 wrong....didn't you? Well, you don't have Alzheimer's, but you are a pervert! What goes "Tweet, Tweet, Ping!" Tweetie Pie in a microwave oven. FUN THINGS TO SAY TO A GIRL WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS *I guess a handjob's out off the question? *You don't expect me to do the dishes! *Could you pass me my cigarettes darling? *I would have at least expected you to cook me dinner! *Do you want a vibrator for Christmas? *Why do you mean you haven't done the shopping? *Hey, give me back the remote control. *Do you want to play racket ball? *Why haven't you made the bed? *Now stand up and say that…BITCH! *It's your turn to mow the lawn! *Who left that slug trail on the kitchen floor? *Are you having an affair you bitch, I've been calling all day! *One giant leap for mankind, one enormous thump on the floor! *Remember…progress is just one step at a time. *Put another log on the fire. *Do you want to drive, or should I? *It's your turn to walk the dog! For God's sake woman…get off your ass! A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying. "What's wrong, miss? Are you OK?" he asked. Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice birthday present, huh?" The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!" She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it voraciously. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her--they didn't even know each other's names--but hey, when you've got a hot blonde sucking on your cock, like you're really going to say, "No don't suck it?" He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you enjoy that?" He said, "Yes, of course, you suck cock great...but I'm just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?" The blonde looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to." Now he's confused. "What I told you to?" Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already! You said, 'Make a wish and blow'!" Q: What's a blonde's favorite Nursery Rhyme? A: HumpMe DumpMe. Q: Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker? A: In case they have to draw blood. Q: What is a blonde's favorite rock group? A: Air Supply. Q: What is the definition of Blood, Sweat, and Tears? A: A leaky blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter. Sex after Death A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion .. Marion." "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again." "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" "No. I'm a rabbit in Arizona." Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his hot but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine." "No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The 'here after' routine what's that?" she wanted to know. "If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone." The Female Demerit System In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8) But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-20) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2) Named Tina (-10) Tina is a dancer (-20) Tina has silicone implants (-80) HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner (+2) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3) Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10) A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+1) You take her to a movie she likes (+3) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called 'Death Cop' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what) You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20) COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000) Q: What do you call a blonde grabbing at air? A: Collecting her thoughts. Q: Why did the blonde piss on the floor? A: Because the sign said "wet floor." Two blonde chicks walk into a department store.  They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.  Boom-Boom sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Muffy?" Muffy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice.  What's it called?" "Viens a moi," replies the store clerk. "Viens a moi?  What the heck does that mean?" At this stage the store clerk translates.  "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French." Boom-Boom takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Muffy again, and remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me.  Does that smell like cum to you?" "I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his friend, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken to me for six months." Bill thought for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find." A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla." He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says, "What do you want, fat-head?" The chick behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?" "I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town.Third, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."  Q: Why don't niggers ever go to country bars? A: Every time they hear "hoedown" they think their date got shot. I was at the store yesterday, and I ran into Tarzan. I asked him how it was going and if he was into making any more movies. He told me that he could no longer make any more movies as he had severe arthritis in both shoulders and could no longer swing from tree vine to tree vine. I asked how Jane was doing, he told me she was in bad shape, in a nursing home, has Alzheimer's and no longer recognizes anyone. How sad. I asked about Boy, and he told me that Boy had gone to the big city, got hooked up with bad women, drugs, alcohol, and the only times he heard from him was when he was in trouble or needed something. I asked about Cheeta, he beamed and said she was doing good. She married a lawyer, had gotten some plastic surgery, and now lived in the White House! Q. What is better, being born black or homosexual? A. Black, because then you don't have to come out to your parents. How charismatic am I? Throughout life, my luck with chicks has been sketchy at best. As I’ve grown older, though, my charm, wit, and charisma seem to have become quite irresistible. The other day, I encountered a hot chick in the park; quite pretty actually. There was an instant spark between us. Just Like that, she was on her knees in front of me. Soon we were making love right there in the grass! I thought to myself, "Wow, I guess the price of these tasers really is worth it...” Q: Why did the faggot get naked and cover himself with whipped cream? A: He was going to the costume party as a wet dream. In the coming New Year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. It is an ironic juxtaposition of events: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication, while the other involves a groundhog. Q: What's the best thing about dating a blonde? A: She shuts up the second you put your dick in her mouth. Q: What's the worst thing about dating a blonde? A: She starts talking again the second you take your dick out of her mouth. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your fridge? A: Lipstick on the cucumbers. The Redneck went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the nurse says, "Congratulations, your wife has had quints - five big baby boys." The Redneck says, "I'm not surprised, I have a penis on me like a chimney." The nurse replies, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned, the babies are all black." Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer. Amen. I can't believe she fell for the mistletoe belt, again. Letters To Santa "Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy" Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fricken book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa "Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah" Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa "Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy" Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging your hot babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who nags his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa "Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba. Love, Francis" Dear Francis, Who names his kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa "Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan" Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa "Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas" Dear Thomas, All toys are now made in Red China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa "Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica" Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa "Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Timmy" Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa "Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky" Mark: First, stop calling yourself "Marky." That's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick. Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size? A: Silicone chips. Q. Why did the blonde like a car with a sunroof? A. More legroom! Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering? A. More headroom. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a pickle jar? A: You can't get your whole fist into a pickle jar. Q: What's 69 and 69? A: Dinner for four. Q: How can you tell if a crab louse is an insomniac? A: It only sleeps in snatches. Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M. "Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?" "Ask your mother," he replied. "I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket." "Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it." A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a chick can be at her best when she is at her worst. Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "In honor of this holy season, " Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven." The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It"s a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The man from Germany reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They"re bells." Saint Peter said, "You too may pass through the pearly gates." The Polack started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The Polack replied, "These are Carol's." Q: What do you call an unshaved chick masturbating? A: A bushwacker. Q: Did you hear about the faggot magician? A: He vanished with a poof. Q: Have you heard about the new mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take just before sex? A: They're called "Predickamints." Q: Why does a penis have a hole in the end? A: So men can be open minded. Q: What do you call a man with his fist jammed up a horse's ass? A: An Amish mechanic. Q: How can you tell if a Western is homosexual? A: All the good guys are hung. Q: What did the fag do when he missed his boyfriend? A: He took a shit in his hand and then beat off with it. Q: How can you tell if a household is queer? A: The welcome mat reads: "Please wipe your knees." Q: How can you tell if your little boy will grow up to be homosexual? A: He likes to play Lick the Can. My Girlfriend Is So Fat.... Her clit has a knee. She took off all her clothes, lay in bed, spread her legs... I said to myself, "What am I doing in this lane? I don't have exact change." She was always fat...She was born an only twin. She used to find money that was left under her pillow by the tusk fairy. She was built like the Liberty Bell, only her crack was bigger. Her last gynecologist quit..He was afraid of the dark. I took her to Mount Rushmore, she couldn't decide which face to sit on... Of course, she insists that she's not fat, it's just that they built the sidewalks too close to her ass. Q: What do you call a guy with a one-inch dick? A: Justin. Q: What is a turd? A: A faggot's wet dream. A faggot visited his bum buddy in the hospital. "What did they do?" he asked his pillow-biting boyfriend lying in the bed. "They removed my tonsils, pulled out my teeth, and cut out my hemorrhoids." "My God!" gasped the turd burglar. "A complete hysterectomy!" Q. What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion? A. At a hockey game you see fast pucks. Q: Did you hear about Martina Navratilova's new book? A: It's called: How I licked All Them Cunts at Wimbledon. One summer a few years ago, a middleaged French man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested. On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said, "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!" "Sir", the judge said, "in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You must have her consent!" After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNTSCENT!!! Hi got her cuntscent! Hi got her cuntscent on my fingers, cuntscent on my mustache, hi got her cuntscent everywhere! Things I Can Only Say At Thanksgiving And Get Away With 1. Talk about a huge breast. 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. It's cool whip time. 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst! 5. Whew, that's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some. 10. Don't play with your meat! 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in. 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once. 14. You still have a little bit on your chin. 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. How long do I beat it before it's ready? 20. Man, that looks just like cranberry sauce. 21. Is that hole good and stuffed? 22. Should I wrap that for you? 23. I've done my part, now I just want to sleep. Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man... *That's it? *Wow - look at all the hair on your back! *Maybe you should start going to the gym more. *That was fine, dear...pass me my vibrator? *Thats a shame, maybe we should grab a video instead? *Wake me when it's over, ok? *I think the condom's too big. *Zzzzzz.... *You want me to what?!? *Well, that explains the padded pants. *Did you take out the garbage yet? *My husband's in the Marines. *He's due home any day now. *Is that a toupee? *So THAT'S what your ex warned me about! *No. *Surgery might be able to help. *Not until you've showered. *That must be my mother on the phone. *Your brother's bigger. *Your best friend's better. *Are you done yet? *Wow! Look at the size of your.....beer gut! *Size doesn't REALLY matter, dear. *You might want to see a doctor about that. *Hahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Things NOT to say to a naked woman... *Cool, I've never been to the Grand Canyon. *How many storage boxes can you fit in there?! *You must be very experienced. *Remember, you said this was a freebie...right? *Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don't fall in. *I gotta take off my watch, wouldn't wanna lose it. *Why do you wear a bra when you've already got a belt. *Would you mind rolling around in this flour. *I heard carpenters dream about you. *So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. *Look....I can get my whole arm in. *It's a good thing you have so many other talents. *Is that an optical illusion? *If I look right at it I feel like I'm falling in. *Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head? *Do you mind if I wear one too...in case yours falls off? *Jeez...What ya got up there, dead fish? *I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. *Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? *I've been wondering all night what that smell was. *Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body. *You know they have surgery to fix that. *Everybody down at the bar said you were good. *Oh, that's why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away. *Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel. *I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so. *You're not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway. *You're not 'that' fat. *I see why everyone said, with you, it's better with the lights out. *Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does. Little Johnny was in math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $20," the teacher began, "and you gave $5 of it to Mary, $5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?" Johnny thought for a moment and answered, "An orgy, sir!" TSA slogans Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. Grope discounts available. If we did our job any better we'd have to buy you dinner first. Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady. Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy. Wanna fly? Drop your fly. We've handled more balls than Barney Frank We are now free to move about your pants We rub you the wrong way, so you can be on your way. It's not a grope. It's a freedom pat. When in doubt, we make you whip it out. TSA: Touchin', Squeezin', Arrestin' You WERE a virgin. We handle more packages than the Post Office. Let me get this straight: We're going to be "gifted" with socialized medicine we are forced to purchase and fined if we don't; which purportedly covers at least thirty million more people, without adding a single new doctor, but provides for 16,000 new IRS agents to enforce the plan; written by a committee whose chairman says he doesn't understand it; passed by a Congress that didn't read it but exempted themselves from it; signed by a President who smokes; funding administered by a treasury chief who didn't pay his taxes; for which we'll be taxed for four years before any "benefits" take effect; by a government which has already bankrupted Social Security and Medicare; all to be overseen by a surgeon general who is obese; and financed by a country that's broke. What the hell could possibly go wrong? Weekly Fishing Trip A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. Feeding her, bathing her, even wiping her ass. And you'll be her care giver forever!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?" I have a new pick-up line that works every time! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league the chick might be. It's a winner and I always get "lucky." Here's how it goes, "Excuse me miss, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?" Daffyniton: Jell-O - Kool-Aid with a hardon. Q: How do you make paper dolls? A: Fuck an old bag. Q: How do faggots discard their used condoms? A: By farting. Q: What's grosser than gross? A: When your girlfriend does the splits and your best friend's class ring falls out. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a piranha? A: I don't know, but it's your last blowjob. Q: Why did they call the blonde "Twinkie"? A: She loved to get filled with cream. Q: Why do saunas remind some guys of blondes? A: Because both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends. Profound Thoughts: It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"? The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park. Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Don't Drink and Drive -You might hit a bump and spill something. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Friends don't let friends take ugly people home. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to manufacture reproductive organs. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the kitchen shelf? A: Herb. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who got sick on the roller coaster? A: Ralph. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs resting on the beach? A: Sandy. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying out of the ballpark? A: Homer. Q: How does a horny guy spell relief? A: B-L-O-N-D-E. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast? A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic. A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she has a smelly vagina. She explains the problem and the doctor tells her to take all her clothes off and lie on the examination table. He inspects her quickly and then says, "Right, just give me a second, please." He goes behind the screen and comes back with a long wooden stick that has a large metal hook on the end. "Oh my God!" screams the woman in terror, "What are you going to do with that thing?" The doctor replies, "I'm going to open a window. It stinks in here." Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your computer? A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet. Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have? A: The hot blonde one who never misses a period. Being older and with grown children, I often tell younger parents to enjoy their children now. It's a short time between shitty diapers and a shitty attitude. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and shits all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper." After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, "What's so funny?" The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!" Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp? A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way. Q: What did the blonde say while watching a porno? A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!" Q: When are beer and your mother-in-law at their best? A: When they're cold, opened up, and on the table. Q: How is a blonde like peanut butter? A: They both spread for bread. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and any guy? A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly. At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" "Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale?" Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10? A: She picks up her purse and goes home. Q: What do you call a bitch with no eyes? A: A btch. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian? A: She kept having sex with men. Girl: Do you believe in puppy love? Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small. Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A: A blowjob with handlebars. At school little Johnny's class is learning about medicines. Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for. The first pupil said: "Tylenol?" "Very good! And what is it used for?" "It is used for a headache." The second pupil said, "Nytol." "Excellent!" said Sister Catherine."And what it is used for?" "To help you sleep," replied the student. Now it is Johnny"s turn and he said, "Viagra." "And what is it used for, Johnny?" asked the surprised Sister Catherine. "It is used for diarrhea." "And who told you this, Johnny?" "Nobody, but every night my mother tells my father, 'Take a viagra, and maybe that shit will get harder'." Sister Catherine fainted. THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY: Life's a bitch - but death is no picnic either Marriage is like taking a hot bath - After you've been in it for a while it isn't so hot. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, Lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Q: What's the difference between mono and herpes? A: You get mono when you snatch a kiss. Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth? A: Einstein's dick. Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refrigerator? A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers. Q: What does a blonde have in common with the United     States Army? A: They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen     and thirty-five. Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan? A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an ironing board? A: An ironing board's legs are harder to get open. Q: How do all orgies begin? A: Everyone chews a partner.  A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" Q: How many feminoids does it take to get to the center of a tootsie-pop? A: None, they are all too busy sucking my dick. Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair? A: They pull up their pants. Q: Why do blondes enjoy giving blow jobs? A: They know it's about the only time that they can get anything    straight in their heads. Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex? A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too. Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity? A: "B.J." Q: What did the blonde's left leg say to her right? A: As if they've ever met! Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang them, the looser they get. A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting at home one night and she became bored. [I know that represents a major male failure on the part of the guy, but hey, it's part of this joke.] "Hey, let's play a game," she said. "What game?" was his bored reply. "Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blowjob if you can find me," replied the blonde. "What if I can't find you?" he answered, still bored. "I'll be behind the piano," she said. A guy walks into a print shop and immediately decides to hit on the large-breasted blonde clerk.  "By the way, do you keep stationery?" "I always try to," she answers, "but at the last second I just go fucking crazy!" Mommy, Mommy! can I have a bike for Christmas? Shut up son, you already have your wheelchair. Mommy, Mommy! Who will I stay with while you are gone? Your Grandma, dear. Now get in the coffin. Q: What's warm and soft when you go to bed, but hard and stiff in the morning? A: Vomit. One friend in a bar asked another, "So, how did you do with that hot blonde you took home last night?" "Terrible.  She had the biggest cunt I've ever seen." "So, what did you do?" "Not much I could do.  I just threw in a quarter, made a wish, and sent her home." Q: What is the difference between biology and sociology? A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, that it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, that it is sociology. Chick's Standardized Checklist for Dumping a Boyfriend Dear _______________, I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:  (Check those that apply)  ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating  it, or subjecting my children to it.  ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture  myself screaming out in a fit of passion. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter! ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you. ___You have a hairy back. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unchangeable. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in an LTR. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application. ___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time. Sincerely, ____________________ Q: Why must coffins for blondes be shaped like a triangle? A: Because every time their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open. Q: How does a blonde prepare for safe sex? A: She puts on rubber based lipstick. Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous? A: Who cares? The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Barbara Moore stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Dave must have experienced. "Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Dave Moore." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is 'sternum'." Q: How does a chick know when she's just TOO fat? A: When her car has stretch marks. A chick with huge boobs was out for a walk when she was jumped by a man holding a gun. When he motioned for her to take off her blouse, she warned him he'd regret it, but he insisted. Next he made her take her bra off, and when a giant set of tits popped into view he began to get incredibly excited. "Take your skirt off," he demanded, ignoring her warnings that he'd regret it. So, off came the skirt, and then the panties, revealing an equally huge pussy, green and slimy and swarming with bugs. Shocked and repelled, he stepped back and dropped the gun to the ground. Grabbing the gun, the woman pointed it at him, smiled broadly, and commanded, "Eat Me." This guy has a spare $10 that he decides to spend on his first hooker ever. He goes out, he gets one, then he brings her home. They have hours of hardcore sex. Then she leaves when he falls asleep. The next morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has crabs, he goes and finds the hooker again and says, "Hey, Bitch, you gave me crabs!" She replies, "Well for $10 what did you expect, Lobsters?" Q: What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile? A: Can I go to sleep now, Mommy? Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician? A: The pedophile really loves children. Q: How can a chick tell when she's too fat? A: When she steps on her dog's tail and it dies. Q: Why do white men eat pussy? A: Because God didn't give them anything to fuck with. Q: What do you call an epileptic lesbian? A: A vibrator. Your First Mammogram   Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there’s no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam, and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And you can do this right in your own home! Exercise 1 Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds (while you hold your breath). Repeat again, in case the first time wasn’t effective enough. Exercise 2 Visit your garage at 3 am when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast. Exercise 3 Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next week and do it again! CONGRATULATIONS! Now you have nothing at all to worry about when you go for your first mammogram! Q: Why do blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ice cream cone? A: Ice cream cones don't lick back. Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common? A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it. It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer. First marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Q: What do a hot blonde and a good beer have in common? A: They both go down easy. Q: Why do blondes always drink with straws? A: Practice. "Sometimes I call my husband 'Q'," the wife told her friend. "Why's that?" the friend asked. "Is he some kinda super guy like that man on Star Trek?" "No," said the wife, "he's a big fat zero with a little limp dick hangin' down." What is a real woman? A real woman is a man's best friend. She will: Never stand him up and never let him down. Reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. Inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and regret. Enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. Make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room. Enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible... No, wait - I'm actually thinking of whiskey. Q: What is the motto of the cannibal who is into one night stands? A: Find 'em, fry 'em, and forget 'em. I don't know what's happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare... you just don't know whether to carry sweets or money! I recently submitted a building permit application for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide with 9 gun turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have had parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The City Council told me to forget about it. So, I sent the application in again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday. If size doesn't matter, how come my girlfriend's vibrator isn't three inches long and crooked? After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dental appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times, and on top of that he gargled 1 gallon of Listerine. As he arrived at the dentist he ate 2 strong mints. His turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth widely. The dentist got close enough and said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here"? "Why"? Jerry asked, "Does my breath smell like pussy?" "No." The dentist replied, "But your forehead smells like shit." Q: How can you tell that the letter you received came from a leper colony? A: Because there is a tongue stuck to the stamp. Q: Did you hear the one about the cannibal who walked into a classroom? A: The next day he expelled three students. Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control? A: A trip without the kids. Q: What kind of wood doesn't float? A: Natalie. Q: What do brocoli and anal sex have in common? A: If you were forced to have it as a kid, you're gonna hate it as an adult. Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers? A: Mexican sewers have diving boards! Q: Did you hear about the earthquake in Mexico City? A: It did $100 million worth of improvements. A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick. An ugly woman is passing and remarks "if you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady." He replies "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!" Q: How is cruising gay bars such a paradox for a faggot? A: Because the harder he tries, the more behind he gets. A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof. Q: What is the only reason old men take Viagra? A: It stops them from rolling out of bed. If it is true that the mosque near Ground Zero is to promote tolerance; it was suggested that a gay nightclub be opened next door to the mosque. Two names suggested are;"The Turban Cowboy," and "You Mecca Me Hot." On the other side they should open a butcher shop that specializes in pork! And across the street a store that sells and displays bikinis or seductive lingerie on manikins...or live models. Q: What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor? A: Shiite on a shingle. Little Johnny came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "Mommy, what's that between your legs?" She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma, what's that between your legs?" She replied, "That's my squirrel." Then little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as gray as yours." Grandma replied, "That's because your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!" Q: How can you know that your wife is truly ugly? A: When a cannibal takes one look at her then orders a salad. A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion. The nutritionist says "It's simple - you are what you eat." So the lesbian turns to her and says, "Are you calling me a cunt?" An old man walked into a brothel one day and said to the madam, "I would really like a young girl for the night." "How old are you then sir?" asked the madam. "I am 98 years old and still going strong!" (cough, cough) "Ninety Eight?!" said the madam, "Don't you realize that you've had it?" "Oh, really?" replied the old man, "How much do I owe you?" An old couple were finding it hard to make ends meet. So after watching a TV show on Hollywood prostitutes, the wife decided that this was the way to earn money. The next day she put on a mini skirt and hit the streets. The old girl returned later that night and held out $75.25 in change. "What cheap motherfucker gave you the 25 cents?" asked her husband. "They ALL did!" she replied. Q: Why does a dog lick his ass? A: Because he knows in that in five minutes he'll be licking your face. Q: How do you know your daughter's going to grow up to be a hooker? A: When she sets up a "Make It With a Kid" stand on the corner. Wise mother to teen daughter: It is better to give than to receive. Teen daughter reply: It is better to swallow than to conceive. Q: What's the worst thing you can say to a guy who is complaining that his wife is frigid? A: No she's not. A doctor, after the examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini." After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?" "Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone." And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order." You know what life really is? You're born, you suck your mother's tits. You get a little older, you suck your girlfriend's tits. You get married, you suck your wife's tits. That's what life is. Life sucks. Q: What should a guy do when his girlfriend forgets to take her birth control pills? A: Give her a good tongue-lashing. Q: How can you tell if a pig is in heat? A: She buys the first two rounds. Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake "The Exorcist"? A: It's about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son. Q: Why are lesbians always fatter than straight chicks? A: Because they're always eating out and don't do dick. Q: Why were lesbians invented? A: So feminoids wouldn't breed. At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your daddy a great big hug!" A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and the flights are always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful!" exclaimed the woman, "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, He would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" "He said, 'Who fucked up your hair?'" Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? A: Ask your mom. Q: What is the definition of "gross"? A: When you ask your grandmother what's for dinner and she sits on your face and says tuna. Q: What's grosser than that? A: When you reply saying, "I thought I said hold the mayo!" Q: How does a high school boy propose to his girlfriend? A: "You're going to have a WHAT?" Q: How do you know if a chick used a vibrator while she was pregnant? A: The kid stutters. Q: How can you tell when a chick is too fat to fuck? A: When you pull her panties down to her knees, her stomach is still in 'em. Did you hear about the three lepers playing cards? One of them had bad cards so he threw his hand in. The second lost all his money so he cried his eyes out and the third won so he laughed his head off! Q: Did you hear about the new movie project Oliver Stoned is making with Mel Gibson? A: It's about how the Jews bombed Pearl Harbor. Q: What's the worst thing a 6 year old girl could tell you after you've fucked her? A: I've had better. Q: And the most heartbreaking? A: I've had bigger! Q:  Why don't men know the meaning of fear? A:  They only know one four-letter word beginning with "F." Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll? A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin. Q: What is the best part of marrying a chick with leprosy? A: She can only give you lip once.   Q: What's small, green, and falls apart? A: A leperchaun. When I asked her to the prom she just looked at me and giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to move in with me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to kiss me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to make love to me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to marry me she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she would bear my children she just looked at me, giggled and smiled. That's when I realized she was a fucking retard. A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents' room, so he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad fucking for all they were worth. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing?" "It’s OK," his father replied. "Your mother wants a baby, that’s all." The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving his father a blow job. "DAD!" he shouted. "What are you doing now?" "Son, there’s been a change of plan," his father replied. "Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW." Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony? A: He was getting into everybody’s hair. Q: What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it? A: Strip Poker. Q: Moms have Mother’s Day, Fathers have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday. Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? A: If we don’t get some support soon, people are going to think we’re nuts. Q: Where do they post pictures of missing partial "transsexuals"? A: On cartons of half-and-half. Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed, Little Bo Peep was giving him head. As soon as he came, she started to weep - She knew by the taste he'd been fucking her sheep. John is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull comes over the rise and fucks six cows in a row, one after the other. His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that." He says, "We could, if we got to change females every time." Q: What's green and melts in her mouth? A: A leper's cock. Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper? A: So she could lip read. A blonde chick strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"  The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered,  "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?" John had a blind date for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself even more attracted to the hot blonde. After some really passionate caressing, he said, "Tell me, would you object to my fucking your brains out?" "That is something I've never done before," his date replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" John exclaimed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!" A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said 'goats'." LiberAl Gore to masseuse: "Say babe, I'll throw in another $100 if you'll sequester my emissions!" LiberAl Gore to masseuse: "Say babe, have you read my book: 'An Inconvenient Grope'?" Q: Why are the target silhouettes used by Arizona State Troopers necessarily wider than those used by every other law enforcement agency in these US? A: Sombreros. Q: How many faggots does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Only one...but it takes an entire Emergency Room to get it out. Q: What's green and sits in a wheelchair? A: A moldy spastic. Q: What is the difference between a midget and a freak? A: Political "correctness." Q: What's the best part of marrying a chick with leprosy? A: She can only give you lip once. I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate lovemaking with her. Unfortunately, she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head...so I shot her. Ya gotta love the Marines! This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour day and collapses in bed. He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says, "What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful, sexy, horny, naked hot chick lying in bed right next to you?" He replied, "Don't worry, honey I'd stay faithful!" Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum? A: Both are sweet in the beginning and become tasteless and shapeless later. Q: Why did God invent football? A: So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives. Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives great head? A: Partially disabled. LiberAl Gore pickup line - "Hey, baby, want to massage some old growth?" Q: What's charred and stands between two sticks? A: A burnt cripple. Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time. Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there were a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after their first introduction. "Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side." "Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland ? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I obtained a master's degree at Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked. "Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied. "Then where in the flying fuck does that snooty cunt come off with all that 'crude' horseshit?" Q: Why did LiberAl Gore sexually assault his masseuse in Portland? A: He was tired of Clinton getting all the good press coverage. Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs? A: Because that's what they train for all their lives. Q: Did you hear about the new blonde doll? A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. Q: What is the difference between blondes and hookers ? A: Blondes cost less per score. Q: How are a blonde and a bowling ball alike? A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet? A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once. A guy gets on a bus and sits in the front seat. He spits on the floor and says, "FUCK! What a driver!" After he does this a few times, the driver orders him off the bus. Another guy gets off at the same time. The guy spits on the sidewalk and says, "FUCK! What a driver!" The second guy says, "I didn't think that guy was a bad driver. What's your problem with him?" He says, "I wasn't talking about the bus driver. When I was walking to the bus stop I saw a really fat hideous broad trying to park a pink 1979 Cadillac Eldorado convertible in a space that was about a foot longer than the car. I yelled at her 'Lady, if you can get that car into that space, I'll eat your snatch.' Ptui! Fuck! What a driver!" How to stop the Gulf Oil Leak Every married man alive has known the secret for years: Put a wedding band around the well, and it instantly stops putting out. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their panties. Q: What is a girl scout knife? A: A boy scout knife with a dildo attachment. Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding? A: Puffed rice. Q: What do you call a hot chick in England? A: Tourist. Q: What is male menopause? A: The change of wife. "*Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Hillbilly Pick-up Lines*"* * **brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. 1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. 2) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in. 3) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 4) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in 'em. 5) You might not be the best lookin' girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 6) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 7) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 8) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep 'til noon. *AND.. the best for last! 9) Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up. Q: What do a 7-11 and long-married sex have in common? A: Neither is anything to get excited about, but what else is open at 3 in the morning? Q: Why are blondes like pianos? A: When they aren't upright, they're grand. Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job. Interviewer : Name? Tarzan : Me, Tarzan. Interviewer : Married? Tarzan : Wife, Jane. Interviewer : Children? Tarzan : Son, Boy. Interviewer : Anything else to your name besides Tarzan? Tarzan : Tarzan, King of the Jungle Interviewer : Jane's Whole Name? Tarzan : Jane's Hole named Pussy. A young chick who thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked interest in him. She asked, Wife comes home to find the old man fucking their dog in the front room. "My God, Henry," she screams, "I know you've had other women, but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck." A cowboy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife lying in the bed reading a book looks up and responds, "If you weren't such an idiot you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a bitch you'd realize I was talking to the sheep." "How many calories are in sperm?" "Why?" he replied. She explained how she loved to swallow guys' cum. After thinking a minute he said, "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, then no guys are going to care how much of a porker you are!" Today's Important Lesson: Never piss off a woman who can operate a backhoe. The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with a hugest cock in the most massively erect state she had ever seen. Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the "stiff" and proceeded to enjoy herself. She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her lascivious behavior. "What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I'm on my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants to see you." And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "I was," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion." A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to murder your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different...You didn't tell me you had a prescription." What is Celibacy? Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Bob and his wife Annie listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bob leaned over, touched Annie's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Bob's life of celibacy. Ramona said, "My, but you look different today," to Marianne, a coworker at the hospital. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did you use - special curlers and some dramatic eye makeup?" "No!" replied Marianne. "My vibrator shorted out this morning." Little Johnny and Little Tommy went over to Little Johnny's house to play. Little Johnny's mother overheard them playing in his big sister's room. "Little Johnny, I've looked and looked but I don't see any tigers, clowns, or elephants," Little Tommy complained. Little Johnny asked him what he meant, and he explained, "I overheard some high school boys say your hot sister was a three-ring circus." Little Johnny's mother smiled at the innocence of the boys, until she heard her son's explanation: "Oh that, that just means that on the first date she'll suck your cock, on the second date she'll fuck you, and on the third date she'll let you fuck her in the ass!" A guy's talking to a girl in a bar. He says, "What's your name?" She says, "Carmen." He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?" She says, "No, I named myself." He says, "Why 'Carmen'?" She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?" He says, "Beerfuck." Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside. A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear." Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park? A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love. Q: Did you hear about the queer who's on the patch? A: He's down to four butts a day. Q: How can you tell if a chick is a true redneck? A: Because she can chew tobacco and suck a dick and still know when to spit and when to swallow. A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a stacked 20-something hot chick dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear trickled from his other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as my pussy?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm about to get fucked out of my peaches." There was this long-married couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on and read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife then got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband seemed confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your gear off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier." The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?" "Oh, no", he said, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book." Ten Words That Don't Exist But Should: 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. 7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper. 8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. 9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. 10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away. A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin - in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your dick in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be OK next week." The doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided splint and taped it all together - an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the hotel bedroom she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful D-cup breasts. She said, "You're the first! No one has EVER touched these before." The quick-thinking groom immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this! Still in the CRATE!" A little girl asks her father, "Where do little girls come from?" The father says, "They come from a hard-on." The little girl then asks her father, "Where does a hard-on come from?" The father says, "Little girls!" A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!" The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: "Crude, but direct. This your first time in a gay bar, isn't it?" This huge man marries a tiny little girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?" The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down." His friend says, "Wow! She's like a true spinner! What's that like?" The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."