Dear Mr. Grim Reaper, So far this year you have taken away my favorite singer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett. Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama. Thank you. A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce. "You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?" "My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply. "What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex." "Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore our perversions together?" He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one anothers' house because of their estranged spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time, and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come... "Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down. Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt getting fastened. "Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!" she complained. "We did!" he says, "I just shit in your purse!" A majorly hot chick's garden is growing beautifully but her darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes, and she's getting tired of it.So she goes to her much older neighbor and says,"Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies,"Well, it may sound absurd, but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take off all your clothes. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see." The chick thinks, Well, what the heck it can't hurt to try it. Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," the chick answers. "The tomatoes are still green but all my cucumbers are at least four inches longer." Man stands up to get knocked down. Woman lies down to get knocked up. Wisdom for chicks: If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. US MARINE CORPS BUMPER STICKERS: U.S. Marines -- Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club Water-boarding is out, so kill them all Q: What's the difference between the Obamanation Cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for prisoners. A young man was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, "Well, you need three things. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel." Our hero was astonished and asked, "So what do I do with these?" The doctor answered, "Before the wedding night, you paint your one ball red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I've ever seen,' you hit her over the head with the shovel and kill her." Q: What makes the difference between spit and swallow? A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head. Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife? A: A hot rich mute nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store. DATING BY NATIONALITY A CAUCASIAN WOMAN: First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. IRISH WOMAN: First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMAN: First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3 carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. JEWISH WOMAN: First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. POLISH WOMAN: First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address. Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home. Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers. CHINESE WOMAN: First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date as you have already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMAN: First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMAN: First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. LATIN WOMAN: First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She is pregnant. Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx. Good Girls, Bad Girls, And Naughty Girls: Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons Naughty girls unbutton your pants Good girls wax their floors Bad girls wax their bikini line Naughty girls wax your nutsack Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies Bad girls know they could do it better Naughty girls do it with whips and chains Good girls wear white cotton panties Bad girls don't wear any Naughty girls don't really give a shit Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace" Good girls pack their toothbrush Bad girls pack their diaphragms Naughty girls pack their dildos Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection Good girls wear high heels to work Bad girls wear high heels to bed Naughty girls make you wear high heels Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance Bad girls think no place is the wrong place Naughty girls have sex all over the place Good girls prefer the missionary position Bad girls do too, but only for starters Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra Good girls say no Bad girls say when? Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them Q: How do you know a chick is ready to have sex? A: The roofies take effect.  Q: Which are the two best holes in a woman? A: Her nostrils. Otherwise she couldn't breathe and survive to give you more than one blowjob. Q: Why do midgets' feet stink? A: Because their feet are so close to their assholes. WOMEN'S ENGLISH: 1. Yes = No. 2. No = Yes. 3. Maybe = No. 4. We need = I want.. 5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry. 6. We need to talk = You're in trouble. 7. Sure, go ahead = You better not. 8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later. 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you! 8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you. 9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you. 10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you. 11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay. Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something: 1. Make sure the man is conscious. 1a. Then give him a Blow Job 2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section. 3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or four hours, max. 3a. Then give him a Blow Job 4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover. 5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to not give him a blow job. 6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt." 7. When all else fails...Blow Job. OK, seven rules. You Know You're Trailer Trash When... Your junior prom had a daycare. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People." You think Genitalia is an Italian airline. Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!" You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?  A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you're done, you will have a place to live. Q: How can you tell if you are in a queer amusement park? A: They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.   Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking? A: Valets don't forget where they park your car. Q: What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding? A: You don't have to ask; you can *see* who the best man is. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull? A: Your last blow job...ever. A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you this; “Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?” “Well, as a matter of fact, I have!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Plymouths, and I voted for Obama.” New Barack Channel (NBC) Another Barack Channel (ABC) My Seriously New Barack Channel (MSNBC) Q: What's the difference between Obamanation and Hitler? A: Hitler wrote his own book. Q: What's another difference between Obamanation and Hitler? A: Hitler got the Olympics to come to his country. Barack Obama is an old Kenyan word for Jimmy Carter. Q. What will the only difference be between the Obamanation and Karl Marx? A. Karl Marx had way more experience. Q: Why can’t the Obamanation pray? A: It’s impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed. Obamanation doesn’t want terrorists tortured. He wants to torture American taxpayers instead. The ultra-liberals have asked us to give Obamanation time. Would 25 to life be appropriate enough? The Obamanation's campaign slogan, "Yes we can," has become, "Yes you will!" The Obamanation: He has what it takes to take what you've got! Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner Albert Einstein married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed. He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's "Theory of Relative Titty." Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" Q: If Pelosi and the Obamanation were in a boat and it started to sink, who would be saved? A: America! Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obamanation worshipper? A: The pizza can feed a family of four. Q: What's the difference between Obamation's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One’s full of tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is full of prisoners. Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and The Obamanation? A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth. Q: Why does The Obamanation oppose the Second Amendment? A: It stands between him and the First. A man was reading his newspaper during breakfast and commented, "Look at this! Another beautiful actress married another basketball player who's a complete idiot. I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the hottest wives." His wife said, "Thank you." Little Irish Red Riding Hood is minding her own business and walking through the forest. All of a sudden, the Big Bad Wolf jumps in front of her and screams, "Little Irish Red Riding Hood, I AM GOING TO EAT YOU!" Little Irish Red Riding Hood jumps back in fright and yells, "OH NO! ARE YOU GOING TO EAT ME WHOLE?" "Nah," says the wolf, "I thought I'd spit that part out." Q: What does the Obamanation call lunch with a convicted felon? A: A fund raiser. Q: What's the main problem with Obamanation jokes? A: His worshippers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes. Q: Did you hear the news about the death rate from AIDS dropping? A: It's because most of the faggots are now dead. The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my  birthday. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician? A: The pedophile really loves children. Q: What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile? A: Can I go to sleep now, Mommy? "Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in.  "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world?  OK, I would like three scoops of pussy flavored ice cream, please." "No problem, sir." The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a good lick.  Grimacing, he says,  "This doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!" The assistant replies,  "Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!" One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the water cooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?" "Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!" "What should I do?" asked Gloria. Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress." Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything? A: Another parish. Q: What's the best way to give your dog a bone? A: Tickle his balls.   Q: What do men and mascara have in common? A: They both run at the first sight of emotion. This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck." Q: Why do women have foreheads? A: So that men have somewhere to kiss after they've given them a blowjob. Q: Do you know the difference between Obama and a pimp? A: A pimp lets you keep some of the money you earn. Parenting 101 "Why couldn't you just tell him where he came from instead of showing him?" A woman applying for a job at a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The hiring foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?" She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for the Obamanation." Q: What's the definition of gross? A: When you're eating cornflakes, and your little brother asks what happened to his scab collection. Q: Do you know what the best thing is about fucking an eight-year old girl? A: Your dick looks so big in the pictures. DAFFYNITIONS OF FOREPLAY 1. The loving before the shoving. 2. The petting before the getting. 3. BULLSHIT! 4 .The licking before the pricking. 5. The stroking before the poking. 6. The procrastination & masturbation preceding penetration. 7. The lingering and the fingering. 8. A premature ejaculator's nightmare! 9. Unnecessary with barn animals.     Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes. Q: Why do Avon Ladies walk funny? A: Their lips stick. Men's Three Rules Of Getting Old 1. Never pass a bathroom 2. Never waste a hard-on 3. Never trust a fart Q: I'm two months pregnant now.  When will my son move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How do you know if a Chink has burgled your house? A: Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway. PICKUP LINES AND RETORTS  Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?  Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more.  Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut. Man : Is this seat empty?  Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.  Man: That's probably because you will be on your knees sucking on my cock. Man: Your place or mine?  Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done fucking you in the back of my car, I don't give a shit where you go. Man: So, what do you do for a living?  Woman: I'm a female impersonator.  Man: So that's how you got that little moustache Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?  Woman: Unfertilized  Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your ass. Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.  Woman: But would you stay there?  Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of bitch that's impossible to shake off once you've fucked her. Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.  Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.  Man: That works for me...as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it in ya. There were two queers living together. One was more feminine and the other more "masculine." The "masculine" one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there were something he could do about it. Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy (physically, anyway), and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair. The "masculine" fag was elated. He went immediately home and smothered his chest in Vaseline. When his boyfriend came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?" The "masculine" one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from his boyfriend. Finally, his boyfriend said, "Don't you know if that were true that you would have a pony tail coming out of your ass by now?" Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and caught him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a rubber on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." To which Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"   Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex? A: They can't teach their pussies to spit. This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does as instructed, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "Dude, you're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either." A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental state, and that many people overlook the things they already have. He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse." Slick Willie stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how to fuck, or I don't know how to shit." Obama is the shepherd I did not want. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in the Republican party. He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger, for his Marxism is with me. He has anointed my income with taxes, My expenses runneth over. Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life, And I will live in a mortgaged home forever. I am glad I am American, I am glad that I am free. But I wish I were a dog And Obama were a tree. Q: Why can't girls wear miniskirts in the winter? A: Chapped lips. Q: What did the male vampire say to his female teacher? A: "See you next period." Q: What do you call a chick with a toothpick through her clit? A: Olive. Q: Why did God create women? A: To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower? A: Kids will eat snot. Q: How many feminoids ["feminists" has been corrected under the Truth in Labeling Law] does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY! A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass." The doctor tells him, "Drop your pants, bend over, and let have a look." "Oh, my God!" the doctor exclaims suddenly, "What could have made your asshole as big as that?" "I've been fucked by an elephant." "But an elephant's penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous." "He fingered me first." I got my stimulus package in the mail today. It contained watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and ten coupons to Popeye's Chicken. Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd." After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?" He said, "I found the remote." A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retired to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man called over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses her room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey- wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the women rolls out. As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "Clumsy bitch." Q: Did you hear about the chick who's a dyslexic-bulimic? A: She eats, and then she sticks her finger up her ass. My big idea: "Best Before" dates for hookers. I, for one, am sick and tired of paying full price only to find out she tastes kinda gamey. Q: What's the difference between a dog and a dick? A: A dog stops coming after you beat it. A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes torn. His brother says, "Man, where have you been?" "I just got back from burying my mother-in-law." "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your mother-in-law?" "She wouldn't lie still!" A guy found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want." The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I could ever possibly want." "As you wish," the genie replied, then POOF! turned him into a toilet seat. One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with playmate, little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!" Breaking News from Washington, DC: Washington, DC -- August 2009 Congress today announced that the position of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of September 1, 2009. The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary and also a record $750 billion in unnecessary deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last three months. It is anticipated that $7 trillion can be saved by the end of the President's first (and last) term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge. This will truly be a bailout of the entire US economy from death due to Marxism." stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive, or for that matter even survive, on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted. Mr. Obama was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time. Gurvinder Singh, a tele-technician for Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India , will assume the office of President as of September 1, 2009. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage, retirement, or other benefits. It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsi- bilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President." A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem, as President Obama had never been familiar with the issues, either. And neither will Mr. Singh have to rely on a teleprompter at all times to keep him from slipping of his leash and revealing his true inner Marxist dark side to anyone listening. Just as former President Obama relied entirely on a teleprompter to keep his real motivations secret, Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Obama has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about." Obama will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately, he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. He still will be qualified for his "death panel" counseling when he reaches the desired termination age of 65. Mr. Obama has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Obama may have difficulties in securing a new position in a free-enterprise economy, since he has never worked a day in his life, met a payroll, or tried to achieve a profit. A greeter position at WalMart was suggested due to Obama's extensive experience at shaking hands, as well as his special smile. Hope for Change, 2012 If you can smile when things go wrong, obviously you have someone in mind to blame. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Q: How do you spell "clitoris"? A: I don't know, but I had it on the tip of my tongue just a moment ago. Q: How can you tell if a leper has been using your shower? A: Your bar of soap has gotten bigger. Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball? A: He kept his eye on the ball. Q: Why did they have to stop the leper baseball game? A: One of the players dropped a ball in right field. Newly Discovered Benefits of Worshiping and Adoring Your Man's Penis: 1) Every blowjob you give adds one month to your life. 2) If you swallow, the protein injested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories. 3) A handjob a day keeps arthritis away. 4) Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to thirty minutes on the treadmill. 5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles. 6) Intercourse prevents divorce. 7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of your brain cells. 8) Sex eliminates headaches. 9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, Thou shalt make thy man hard, triples your chances of getting into heaven. 10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday. Fatal Things To Say If Your Chick's Pregnant I finished the Oreos. Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds. Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby! I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever! Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl. Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, bet that's gotta hurt. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott! I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth? Are your ankles supposed to look like that? Get your *own* ice cream. Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today. Got milk? ;-) Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney? Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar! Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt! You don't have the guts to pull that trigger. A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy beating off in the long grass. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" the cop asked. "What does it look like? I'm beating off," the kid replied. "You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young man doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it." "And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it," said the boy. "And what's that?" asked the cop. "I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!" Daffynition - "sex-change operation" :Artificial infemination  Q: What has two gray legs and two brown legs? A: An elephant with diarrhea. A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?" The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please." The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the "theory of relativity", "interstellar space travel", "the latest medical breakthroughs", etc. The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A Martini please." Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100." So the robot started discussing NASCAR, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend. The guy just had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out "Uh...'bout 50." The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "Are... you... people... happy... with... Obama...?" Ultimate Rejection Lines ... I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs. ... I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of his head caves in. ... I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater. ... I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol. ... I would rather stick my genitals in a bees' nest. ... I would rather crush my dick between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros. ... I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my asshole. ... I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...then piss on a forest fire. ... I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw. ... I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass. ... I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude. ... I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis... with your mom lying naked in the landing zone. ... I would rather dry fuck a polar bear...in a phone booth. ... I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back ...and then find out it's the wrong one. ... I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction. ... I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter... and not a twist off, either. ... I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer ...and then wear wool socks...in August. ... I'd rather French kiss a barracuda. ... I'd rather poke a Grizzly bear in the ass...with a short stick. ... I'd rather fuck a rattlesnake... in a gunnysack. This guy is eating this hooker's cunt and he says, "This tastes like rice pudding!" "That's what all the johns say, but it's really maggots." Top 10 Excuses for Getting Out of Sex 10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister. 9. We're out of paper bags for your head again. 8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot. 7. You're 20 bucks short. 6. We're out of gin again. 5. I used my last sponge for the dishes. 4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit. 3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those pornos. 2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker. 1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood. I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you...If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's worth the extra effort? When she asks, "Do I look fat?" The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?" Q: What's the best way to make a pussy talk to you? A: Stick a tongue in it. Women are like cell phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push one wrong button and your ass is disconnected A pretty young virgin is about to go on her first date and is given some words of advice and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same thing, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him: 1) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel; 2) touch your breasts. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter; 3) touch your pussy. It is like a 'grill' and will burn everything that touches it." The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom. "Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!" "Let's not go too fast dear. Did he tried to come too close?" "Well, yes, he did, and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!" "What do you mean 'careful'? Did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mom, see it was like this. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my boobs and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. "Then he slowly slid his hands under my skirt close to my pussy, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of 'fillet' and would love to put it in your 'grill' to cook!" "WHAT!" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard was no different from all the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?" "Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very cautious not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not." How can you tell if a Arkansan is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck. Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush. An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "'Bout wut?" A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were too expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are too expensive," "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50? For a frog?" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." The woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a great idea. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" asked the woman. The husband looks up at her and says, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!" Q: What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs? A: Nice tits, Bitch. Q: What's the definition of a fart? A: A turd honking for the right-of-way. I saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP CALL JESUS 1-800-005-3787. Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower. Q: Why do women get their bellybuttons pierced? A: Where else would they hang the air freshener? Incest is wrong, relatively speaking. Q: What is the smallest hotel in the world? A: A pussy, because you have to leave your bags outside. Q: What do a toilet and a woman have in common? A: Without the hole in the middle, they aren't good for shit. Q: How do you get a faggot to fuck a woman? A: Fill her pussy full of shit. I was in a bar yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really really loud so I timed my farts with the beat. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my pitcher and noticed that everybody was staring at me. Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. Rejected Moon walk saying: One small step for man, One giant leap for a midget. B. Hussein Obamanation got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to the Obamanation, and told him to drink it all. The Obamanation drank the concoction and replied, "That tasted like bullshit!" The doctor replied, "It was, you were a quart low." Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say: You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, but I still want you right now! This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang. Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.                                               Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse. That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again? I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy. You're my daddy, you're my daddy! The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday. Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one! I liked that wedding even more then ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class. That girl is wearing the same outfit that I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more, and don't leave out any sexy details. I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present, Darling.                                     Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you won't have to mess with it anymore. I've decided to buy myself a boob job, how big do you want 'em? It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers. Honey come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass! My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.                                                      I'm so happy with my shoulder-length hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever cut my hair again. Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and beer. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly! You are so much smarter than my father. If we're not going to have sex, then you have at least to let me lick your balls and suck you off. PREGNANCY Q & As: Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: Beause you're fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. Q: What has six legs and eats pussy? A: You, me, and Ellen Degenerate. There was this man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless, and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He said "I'm NOT happy; my ass itches." Watching the Communist-in-Chief throw out the first pitch at the All Star Game inspired a thought: After growing up in a culture that discourages participation in all sports except woman-stoning, how can Barack Hussein have such a wussy throwing arm? Cat Food A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me once a week?" Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his ass." Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her." "I'll take you." "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." "I want you." So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put his thumb in her pussy and his index finger in her asshole. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Q: What famous celebrity had the most children over the last ten years? A: Michael Jackson. Q: What has 24 balls and 3 pubic hairs? A: A Michael Jackson slumber party. Q: Who is Michael Jackson's favorite poet? A: Emily Dick in son. Q: What's the difference between Obama and Michael Jackson? A: One is a consummate asshole, the other a consummated asshole. Q: What's the name of Michael Jackson's last movie? A: Honey I Blew the Kid. Q: How are Michael Jackson's little friends like US citizens under the Obamanation? A: They all get fucked in the end. They say the school years will be the best years of your life...how true! I fondly remember coming to class and strapping fireworks onto back of the class retard with all my friends. It was fucking hilarious, until the Principle found out and overreacted. He said I'd never work in a Primary School ever again. The teacher said, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living." Mary answered, "My Dad is a policeman. He puts bad guys in jail." Jack replied, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better." The teacher says to Rotten Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?" Johnny responded, "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?" Rotten Johnny retorted, "He turned blue and shit on the carpet." Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new posthumous autobiography? A: It's called "The Ins and Outs of Child Rearing." Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage: * In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?" * Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence? * Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon. * Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers? * Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her? * Does she regularly compare your love-making talents with an old boyfriend's? * Does she regularly compare your love-making talents with the Green Bay Packers? * Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum? * Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights? Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? A: A good ol' boy loves livestock; a redneck gets emotionally involved. Q: Why does a necrophiliac wait six weeks before he fucks a stiff? A: Because then he can stick it in anywhere he likes. Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper? A: They're both looking for dead beaver. If I live to be a hundred, I'll never understand women. You ask your girlfriend to eat one little scoop of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream out of your ass and suddenly you're a pervert! Q: Did you hear about the male prostitute who was a leper? A: He did OK until his business fell off. Q. What's the worst thing about growing unemployment? A. It's more difficult to fuck your girlfriend with her husband home. A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her cooter. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough to demonstrate the grasping power of her pussy. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped farther away. "If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to offer it my meat!" Q: What do an anniversary and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them. A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for these?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?" GREAT ADVICE FROM A WOMEN'S MAGAZINE: Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- And it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your husband. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister. A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some of your hot cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My fiancee still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful. A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your fiancee is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. And as long as you swallow, it greatly increases your chances of pregnancy, if you are trying to have children. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely challenging for a man. This shows just how much he loves you. Best thing to do is to swallow, thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal. Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk. A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior. Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds. A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the "effort" the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, cooking him a nice meal and not mentioning his behavior. Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay. A: Foreplay to a man is very difficult. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should -- he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, cooking a nice meal and not mentioning this behavior. Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm. A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminazis and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present, and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal. Young Jimmy was making confession when he told the priest that he was having impure thoughts about his sister. "Is this a sin, Father?" he asked. The priest nodded and said, "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have." TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND:    During the past year I have tried to have sex with you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:                                         54 times the sheets were not clean 7 times it was too late 49 times you were too tired 20 times it was too hot 15 times you pretended to be asleep 22 times you had a headache 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby 16 times you said you were too sore 12 times it was the wrong time of the month 19 times you had to get up early 9 times you said weren't in the mood 7 times you were sunburned 6 times you were watching the late show 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us 9 times you said your mother would hear us                                                               Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:                 6 times you just laid there 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move                                    TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:    I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:                                                                                    5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 36 times you did not come home at all 21 times you didn't cum 33 times you came too soon 19 times you went soft before you got in 38 times you worked too late 10 times you got cramps in your toes 29 times you had to get up early to play golf 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running 2 times you had a splinter in your finger 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV      Of the times we did successfully fuck:                                               The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe. Farrah Fawcett dies, and goes straight to Heaven. Upon reaching God, He asks her if there were any wish she would like granted back on Earth. She replies that she wanted all the children of the world protected. Four hours later, Michael Jackson dies. Coincidence? Q: You heard what caused Michael Jackson's heart attack? A: Rumors of a shortage of White-Out. Q: You know what caused his actual death as he was being loaded into the ambulance? A: When they answered "No" to his question, "You ARE taking me to the children's hospital, aren't you?" You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When... You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe." You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. Arkansas son: "Dad, can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" Arkansas father: "I don't know. Are you any good?" Q: What is the difference between a homosexual and a fag? A: A homosexual has a sexual preference for men. A fag is a homosexual who annoys you so much that you want to beat the shit out of him. This young couple had only been married for one night when the bride went to her doctor to say, "This is my first day of marriage and there is something that bothers me." Doctor: "What is it?" Bride: "Well, during sex I feel his dick banging on my kidneys." Doctor: "Just send in your overly hung husband and I will cut a couple of inches off his cock and then hopefully it will no longer reach your kidneys." Bride : "No! I want you to remove my kidneys instead!" Q: What's the definition of a nice old woman? A: One who takes her teeth out before she goes down on you. A girl and a boy were at the back of the movie theater, kissing passionately. When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum?" The girl replies,"That's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis." Q: What are the three reasons that make anal sex better than vaginal sex? A: It's warmer, it's tighter, and it's degrading to the woman. What's the difference between Mother's day and Father's day? On father's day, you thank dad for having sex with your mom. On mother's day, you thank mom for not swallowing you. Q: What does a dwarf get when he runs through a woman's legs? A: A clit on the ear and a flap across the face. Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer?" "Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer. "And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?" "Sure is, Bubba." "And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee and burned hersef with it?" "Yep." "And that football player sued that university when he graduaided and still couldn"t read?" "That"s right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?" "Well, I was thinkin..What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women that their beer made me sleep with?"   Mickey was in a bar having a drink, and the barmaid was one sexy blonde chick! He slapped a ten spot on the table and said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the bathroom." She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted the bet. He took his glass eye out, placed it beside the drink, and went to the bathroom. "Bet you ten bucks I can bite my own ear," Mickey challenged next. The bet was accepted. He took out his false teeth and nipped his ear. Once more he scooped up the money. "Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back. I bet you twenty bucks I can fuck to you so gently you won't feel a thing." Now that was one thing she knew about, so she accepted the bet. Mickey lifted her skirt and away they went. "I can feel you." she giggled. "Oh well," he grinned, "You win some, you lose some!"     "Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action." "Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."   Q: Why is a turd better than a woman? A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it. Mommy, Mommy! Can I go to the toilet and pee? Yes, Johnny. I'll take you in a minute. Can Granny take me? Why? Her hand shakes. In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've performed surgery to amputate both your arms. Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms. The husband wanted to have sex with his wife, but he hated the "chore" of eating her out. He knew he had to if he was to get any nookie. He starts to perform orally on her, and just as he darts his tongue inside her, she lets out a horrendous partially liquid fart. He stops what he is doing, looks up at her and says, "Ahhh, sweetheart, thanks for the breath of fresh air!" TRUE EXPRESSIONS OF FRIENDSHIP (man style): When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. When you are confused -- I will use little words. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk. As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE" Slightly distressed, the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for five minutes the man come up with a plan "What I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt." "Yes," the woman replies, "but what about the skunk?" "I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt." "But what about the smell?" the woman asks. To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!" Martha  Stewart's  Tips For Rednecks: DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff about you on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m.; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER  ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and retrieved immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. 6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Q: Why did God give men penises? A: So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up. Viagra Diary Day 1. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Day 2. Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp. Day 3. This  marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears. Day 4. A miracle has happened!  There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's  called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us."  I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his  mood. Day 7. This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Day 8. I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. Sore as hell... Day 10. Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over. Day 11. The side effects  are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Hamlet and he thought it was "The Smurfs Do Denmark." Even my armpits hurt. He's a nasty man. Day 12. Ok, I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Day 13. I wish he were gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying "fabulous," and still he keeps coming after me!  Even yawning has become dangerous! Day 14. Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife felt. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!  It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" butt-thing again, I'm gonna kill him. Day 15. I've done everything to turn him off.  Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" makes "Father Woody" want to bark like a dog. Help me. Day 16. I think I will have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff. With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket. I'm starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to screw himself. He did. He must die.   Two old ladies were chatting one day and their subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her. The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you're starting to look like an asshole!" Life Of A 57 Year Old Woman: When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. When I turned 47 I looked for a guy with a big dick. At 57 I'm still looking. Q: How many pedophiles does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: None. Pedophiles don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in playgrounds. Q: What did the coroners find in Princess Diana's panties? A: Skidmarks. Her dad died like a week ago. I thought she would get over it by now but she is being a real emo about the whole thing. Last night I told her to stop whining and move on with life... I mean, she's nearly 15 years old. She can handle herself, but she got really angry and I was forced to kick her out of the house because she wouldn't stop whining about how I was being "insensitive." How can I make her happy again? Her whining is getting in the way of my plans to introduce her to anal. Women can be so selfish. A man was walking down the street when a hooker stops him and says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says, and off they go to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes as he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into." Q: What's the difference between purple and pink? A. The grip. MIKE TYSON I take it everyone is aware of the noose - sorry, news - regarding his daughter. Apparently, a concerned reporter is in intensive care after he asked him "How's it hanging?" The good news is that Madonna is offering him one of her children as a replacement. Am I the only person who appreciates the irony of his daughter being named "Exodus"? Anyway, I always thought a treadmill would be a great way to get fit but apparently his daughter was dead against it. It has been confirmed that reports that he was training his daughter as a boxer are untrue. It's a pity though because he still managed to catch her against the ropes. Finally, someone told me a great joke about Mike Tyson's treadmill this morning - it was a fucking killer. This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night." His buddy says, "Well then, tell me what happened." The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch." She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?" I said, "'Of course, you can', and shut the door." Top 10 Rejection Reasons And What They Really Mean 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm currently fucking.) 6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's). 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is more exciting than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) ...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.) 13 Definitions of PMS: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift  3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section  5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface  9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome  11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff 13. Potential Murder Suspect  Barack the Obamanation discovers a leak under his sink, so he calls Joe the Plumber to come and fix it. Joe drives to Obamanation’s house, which is located in a very nice neighborhood and where it’s clear that all the residents make more than $250,000 per year. Joe arrives and takes his tools into the house. Joe is led to the room that contains the leaky pipe under a sink. Joe assesses the problem and tells Obamanation, who is standing near the door, that it’s an easy repair that will take less than 10 minutes. Obamanation asks Joe how much it will cost. Joe immediately says, “$9,500.” “$9,500?” Obamanation asks, stunned. “But you said it’s an easy repair!” “Yes, but what I do is charge a lot more to my clients who make more than $250,000 per year so I can fix the plumbing of everybody who makes less than that for free,” explains Joe. “It’s always been my philosophy as well as that of Karl Marx. As a matter of fact, I lobbied government to pass this philosophy as law, and it did pass earlier this year, so now all plumbers must do business this way. It’s known as ‘Joe’s Fair Plumbing Act of 2008.’ Surprised you haven’t heard of it, Hussein.” In spite of that, Obamanation tells Joe there’s no way he’s paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Joe leaves. Obamanation spends the next hour flipping through the phone book looking for another plumber, but he finds that all other plumbing businesses listed have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Joe’s price, Obamanation does nothing. The leak under Obamanation’s sink goes unrepaired for the next several days. A week later the leak is so bad that Obamanation has had to put a bucket under the sink. The bucket fills up quickly and has to be emptied every hour, and there’s a risk that the room will flood, so Obamanation calls Joe and pleads with him to return. Joe goes back to Obamanation’s house, looks at the leaky pipe, and says, “Let’s see - this will cost you about $21,000.” “A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!” Obamanation quickly fires back. Joe explains the reason for the dramatic increase. “Well, because of the 'Joe’s Fair Plumbing Act,’ a lot of rich people are learning how to fix their own plumbing, so there are fewer of you paying for all the free plumbing I’m doing for the people who make less than $250,000. As a result, the rate I have to charge my wealthy paying customers rises every day. “Not only that, but for some strange reason the demand for plumbing work from the group of people who get it for free has skyrocketed, and there’s a long waiting list of those who need repairs. This has put a lot more of my fellow plumbers out of business, and they’re not being replaced since nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they won’t make any money. I’m hurting now too - all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won’t pay their fair share.” Obamanation tries to straighten out the plumber: “Of course you’re hurting, Joe! Don’t you get it? If all the rich people learn how to fix their own plumbing and you refuse to charge the poorer people for your services, you’ll be bankrupt, and THEN what will you do?” “Run for president,” Joe immediately replies. On their wedding night, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride left the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of all that," she replied. "You just pray for endurance." A recent study was made to find out what days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T": Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday There are two kinds of men in this world: The tiny minority who want to get ahead, and the vast majority who just want to get head. Q: Did you hear the miracle plan announced in Congress for ending AIDS? A: Tell all the faggots to sit down and shut up. A lowly teenage stableboy could only watch and dream about the beautiful girl who came to ride her horse every afternoon. It was a case of unrequited love. One day he was painting the empty stables and day-dreaming about his girl, when he realized that he was painting the stall that her horse was kept in. The horse shied, coming into contact with the fresh paint and smearing it all over itself. "What will I do?" he wondered. "I know - I'll continue to paint the stall and horse too. When she arrives to ride, she'll wonder who painted her horse green. I'll say I did it accidentally. As her horse dries I'll suggest we might ride double on the horse in the next stall. She'll agree and we'll ride together to the little pond out by the waterfall. We'll admire the scenery for a while, then she'll say, 'I'd love to go swimming but I didn't bring my suit.' I'll tell her that no-one ever comes here at this time of day so we can safely swim in the nude. We'll skinny-dip for a while then lie close together on the grass. One thing will lead to another and we'll make mad, passionate love. That's what I'll do." It was almost time for the beautiful girl to arrive so he hid in the next stall, eager to carry out the next stage of his plan. The girl came to the stall, opened the door and exclaimed, "Who painted my horse green?" The over-excited boy leapt from his hiding place and loudly blurted out, "I did! Let's fuck!" Things That are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk: ~ Innovative ~ Preliminary ~ Proliferation ~ Cinnamon Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk: ~ Specificity ~ British Constitution ~ Passive-aggressive disorder ~ Transubstantiate Things that are fucking impossible to say when you're drunk: ~ Thanks, but I don't want to have sex with you. ~ No, thanks, I don't need another drink. ~ Sorry, but you're not really my type. ~ Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight? ~ I'm not interested in fighting you. ~ Oh, I just couldn't; no one wants to hear me sing. ~ Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination, and I don't want to look like a fool. ~ Where is the nearest restroom?  I refuse to vomit in the street. ~ I'm going home; I have work in the morning. The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the hot blonde chick on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Hottie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?" Nineteen men and two lesbians were trampled to death in the stampede. Q: What do tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from your grandmother have in common ? A: You don't look down. Bumpersnickers: Who lit the fuse on your tampon? If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. A man seemed very upset at work, so his fellow- worker asked, "What's wrong?" "My eight year old son made my secretary pregnant." "That's incredible!" his co-worker responded. "It's true. He punctured all of my condoms." Bert and Mabel were a week away from their wedding day. Bert was beginning to get major stirrings so he decided to chance it. "Er, Mabel, as it is only a week to the big day, how's about a quick screw?" said Bert. Mabel's answer as expected was, "No Bert, it's only six days to go, however you can have a look at your prize." The next night Bert again pesters Mabel. Being an understanding sort, Mabel gives in and says, "It is still five days to go and as you've been a good fellow, I'll let you have a little feel of your prize." This only makes matters worse for Bert and by the next night he can hardly contain himself. Seeing his obvious predicament Mabel greets Bert and whispers in his ear, "I can see what your problem is but you've still got four days to go. I will, however, let you have a good sniff of your prize." Not being bashful, Bert lifts Mabel's skirts and sniffs. After a minute he comes up for air, "Mabel, do you think it will keep until Saturday?" GAY SIGNS 1.  If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.  It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys, or rather you've been sucking off the boys, and have spent the rest of your free time doing situps, aerobics, and the Oprah diet.  2.  If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag.  A cat is like a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed.  And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here!  I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're the poster boy for GAY.  3.  If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord.  A straight man only sucks barbeque ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties.  Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.  4.  If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship.  A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.  5.  If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute.  Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma.  A pussy eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like.  If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there, too.  6.  If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass.  A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar.  If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you're gay.  And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious!  7.  If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it...you hunger for meat-popsicle.  A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the motherfucker off.  The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the beotch in the passenger seat (whomever she happens to be), or, if he's a Mexican, talk on his cell-phone.  8.  If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous sonnez le Gay, oui?  The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a chick who knows how to reward her man.  Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.  So follow the rules and beware...or keep that shit to yourself, you flaming faggot! "Who was the first man, for $1000?" the game show host asked the hot blonde chick contestant. "The first man was Peter, my math tutor," she answered, "but I've never been paid more than $500." MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX: 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. (For chicks.) (Hopefully.) 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your mouth. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 29. Love is a hole in the heart. 30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 32. Do it only with the best. 33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 34. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. But it might be fun to try to. 36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 38. Thou shalt not commit adultery ... unless in the mood. 39. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 40. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 41. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 42. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 43. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 44. Never say no. 45. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 46. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 47. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 48. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 49. Love comes in spurts. 50. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 51. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 52. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 53. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? A: Slap her. Q: What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia? A: Lefty. A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my hot wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she has vigorous sex with any guy who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" Apparently, the symptoms of Mexican flu are sweating, excessive body odor, and laziness. No wonder it went unnoticed for so long in Mexico. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 cans of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects: 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong. 3) Gained weight, particularly in the ass 4) Talked excessively without making sense. 5) Became overly emotional. 6) Couldn't drive. 7) Failed to think rationally. 8) Had to sit down while urinating. No further testing was considered necessary.. Q: What is the difference between jelly and jam? A: A chick will never ask you to jelly your cock into her. The teacher drew a penis on the blackboard, "Does any one know what that is?" "Yes," said Tommy. "My dad has two: a small one for pissing, and a big one for cleaning my babysitter's teeth." A soldier was fearing serving overseas, so he showed up for deployment wearing lipstick. "Do you always wear lipstick?" the commanding officer asked. "Yes, sir! Always!" "Good. Then you won't get chapped lips in Iraq." One night, a man was feeling very "in the mood," so he decides to get himself a hooker.  Since he doesn't have much money, He hires the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. He spends $10 for a blowjob and a fuck, and in the morning he wakes up and discovers he has crabs. He goes back to the same hooker, and says, "Hey, you gave me crabs! What is up with that?" The hooker replies, "What did you expect for $10? Lobster?" Q: Why shouldn't we make fun of handicapped people? A: Because if it weren't for them, we wouldn't be able to find such neat parking places. Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common? A: They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch. "Mom, I'm pregnant," announced the blonde teen. "How can that be? What did I tell you about sex?" asked her mom. "That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and went with the biggest." Q: How do Montanan teenage boys find their sheep in tall grass? A: Most satisfactory. Q: How do mathematicians describe the shape of a woman's pussy? A: Cuntindicular. Q: Why won't Charlie the Tuna eat his old lady? A: She smells like people. Q: What do lesbians like to use for a lubricant? A: Tartar sauce.