This happened on a flight ready to depart for Leesburg, Florida. Jim was already seated when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck - pale hands, shaking, and moaning in fear. "What's the matter?" Jim asked. "I've been transferred to Leesburg, Florida! There's crazy people there. They have a lot of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, shitty public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."Jim replied. "I've lived in Leesburg for years. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world." The guy finally relaxed and said, "Thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. By the way what do you do for a living?" "Me?" said Jim. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck." A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?" The boy replied, "What turkey?" The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm." The boy looked down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!" The game warden said, "Now look. You know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him I'll do to you. So what are you gonna do with him?" The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!" Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom." A middle aged husband and wife were having sex in the missionary position. Fifteen minutes went by. Thirty. Forty-five. Finally, the wife blurted out, "What's the matter, honey, can't you fantasize about someone else, either?" Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life? A: Because if you can eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. Dear Fellow Business Owners: As a business owner who employs 120 people, we have resigned ourselves to the fact that B Hussein Obamanation will be our next president, and that our taxes and fees will go up in a BIG way, as part of our national plunge into Monstrous Depression and hyperinflation. To compensate for these increases, we figure that the Customer will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8-10%. We will also have to lay off 25 of our employees. This really bothered us as we believe we are family here and didn't know how to choose who will have to go. So, this is what we did. We strolled through the parking lot and found twenty Obamanation bumper stickers on our employees cars. We have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. We can't think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know. We are sending this letter to all business owners that we know. 'Twas the night before voting, when all through the town There were tempers a-flaring and emotions o'er blown. In my bathrobe I sat with my cat in my lap, I had cut off the TV (political crap). When then all of a sudden there arose such a noise, That I peered out my window - Obama and boys! They had come for my wallet, they wanted my pay, Just to give it to others who worked not a day. Then he snatched up my money and quick as a wink His bandwagon remounted...this Marx he doth stink! He then rallied Black Muslims (those pulling his cart). I could tell they were out to tear country apart! "On Fannie!, on Freddie!, on Biden and Ayers! On ACORN!, Pelosi!" he screamed at the pairs. They took off for his cause as he flew out of sight He did laugh at the nation which surrendered sans fight. So I leave you to think on this one final note: You'll remember forever for whom you did vote! While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high ranking elected official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the politician. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar, and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp, and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of an impoverished and burned land covered with mountains of millions of skulls. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the recently decapitated heads and putting them in black bags as even more heads fall from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a barren, burned out land covered with many mountains of skulls and it is virtually raining decapitated heads. What happened?" The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Two days ago we were still campaigning. Yesterday, Americans voted." Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked they come across a sign that says "Beauty Contest for the Most Beautiful Woman in the World." "I'm entering," said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place," said Snow White. They continue walking and they see a sign, "Contest for the Strongest Man in the World." "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?" "First Place," answers Superman. They continue walking when they see a sign, "Contest for the Greatest Liar in the World." Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns a nose that is 16 feet long, but with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. Pinocchio says, "Who the hell is Barack Obama?" If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Two sweethearts wanted to fly United on the way home for Spring Break, but the flight attendant wouldn't let them. Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get their laundry done for free. First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." Two cannibals, a father and his teenage son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one!" "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them, and she was completely naked. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Not too skinny, not to fat. In fact, there's something about her I find oddly appetizing. Let's eat her!" "No," said the father. "We will not eat her, either." "Why not?" asked the son. "We're going to take her back alive and eat your mother." Roxbury MA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Boston courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the baseball team the Boston Red Sox, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone. Two guys are sitting at the bar. One says, "Did your hear the news? Mike's dead." "Whoa! What happened to him?" "Well, he's on his way over to my place the other day and when he arrives outside the house he doesn't brake properly and BOOM – he hits the curb and the car flips up and he crashes through the sunroof. He goes flying through the air and smashes through my upstairs bedroom window." "What a horrible way to die!" "No, no, he survives that; that doesn't kill him at all. He lands in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when BANG – this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones." "What a way to go! That's terrible." "No, no, that doesn't kill him; he survives that. He manages to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing. He tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him and into the flooring." "Now, *that* is a most unfortunate way to go!" "No, no, that doesn't kill him; he even survives that; he pulls himself loose. So now he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but latches onto a big pot of boiling water and WHOOSH – the whole thing comes down on him and burns most of his skin off." "What a horrible death!" "No, no, he survives that, too. He's lying in all that water, and he spots the phone with his one remaining eye and tries to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity don't mix and so he's lying there with the juice running through him and can't get away from it." "What an ugly way to die!" "No no, he even survives *that*, then he..." "Hold on now...just how the hell DID he die?" "I shot him." "You shot Mike? What the hell did you shoot him for?" "Well, duh! He was wrecking my house." The Navy concluded they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, an Admiral, asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted, a Captain, was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the fingertips of his overhead-outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000. The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my dick to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's dick and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam." "Miss?" the young man said as he approached a hot chick/sales girl in a department store, "Can you tell me what birthday present I should give to my brother, who already has everything?" "My phone number." What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, and 68? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be the story! A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country, despite the horrible handicap of socialized medicine, we are so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a Muslim with no brains, put him in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work in one week." This fellow paid to join a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, "Did you call for me?" The man replied, "No, what do you mean?" She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, lay down on a towel eagerly, pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy, yet somehow effeminate man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer. "You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked. "Here's my membership card. You can have the key to my room back and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities." "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here." Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him and then said, "NO." Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?" Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard paid in all quarters!" Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed! Women think they're hot shit because they can fake an organism for the sake of a relationship. Big deal. Men can fake a whole relationship for the sake of one organism. President B Hussein Obamanation was visiting a primary school and entered one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy.” So our newly-elected illustrious Demoncrat President asked the class for an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a “tragedy.” “No,” said Hussein, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained B.O. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room went silent. No other children volunteered. B Hussein searched the room. Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you, "Plagiarist Joe" OverBiden, and Mrs. Obamanation were struck by a “friendly fire” missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed B Hussein. “That’s right! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well,” says the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss… and it probably wouldn’t be an accident, either.” Q: What's the difference between your penis and a bonus? A: The wife will always blow your bonus. Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges whatever is given to her. So bear that in mind - if you give her any crap, she'll give you a ton of shit. LAUGHS DURING ECONOMIC HARDSHIP Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal. --Emma Ives, Dorking, Surrey, UK How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday. --Sara, London, UK Resolving to surprise her husband, an investment banker's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair!" --Phil, London, UK What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of four. --Tom, London, UK Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife." --Sottovoce , Cambridge, UK The Sex Ed students were informed of one coed who had several hundred orgasms in one single session. "Holy shit!" said one of the males. "Who was she?" "Who cares?" piped up a coed, "Who was HE?" If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan. A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his eye and a baseball bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with getting money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, which is Penny." He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is drinking. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."' At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get some dinner." Three things NOT to say in a gay bar: 1. Fuck me, it's hot in here! 2. Toss you for the next round. 3. Can I bum a fag? Hearing suggestive noises coming from the freshman's dorm room, the resident assistant knocked on the lad's door and asked if he were entertaining a young lady. "I don't know...but I'll ask her." Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you. -- John Steinbeck Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who helps the President tell Congress "No"? A: Vito. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in boiling water? A: Stu. Two Men in a bar and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. "Holy Shit, dude!", said a bystander. "That was impressive!" "I get lots of practice," replied the first guy. "My wife is epileptic." One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with SCARLETT JOHANSSON. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. "You see, if I had said 'no' to SCARLETT JOHANSSON , You would have come up with JESSICA ALBA . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives so THAT'S why I said yes to SCARLETT JOHANSSON ." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a computer virus. If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hitlery Rotten," do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hitlery Rotten. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the kitchen shelf? A: Herb. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who got sick on the roller coaster? A: Ralph. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs resting on the beach? A: Sandy. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying out of the ballpark? A: Homer. One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with a steel Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy. Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with SCARLETT JOHANSSON. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes!" cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to SCARLETT JOHANSSON , You would have come up with JESSICA ALBA. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to SCARLETT JOHANSSON ." The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. On television today a Democratic operative pointed out that when B Hussein Obamanation holds a rally 25-30,000 people show up, whereas when McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000 supporters. The Republican spokesman replied, "That's because most McCain supporters are at work." The old professor awoke early one morning, feeling like a 20 year-old student, but he couldn't find a single one who was awake at that hour. An old geezer shouted out to his wife, "Martha! Get in here right now! You wouldn't believe the perverted thing they're showing on TV!" "Oh, put on your glasses, Fred. That's just Castro eating a banana." A man, having applied to join a local South Dakota Sheriff's Office, is being interviewed. The Sheriff says, "Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you." Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues "Take this gun with 13 cartridges, and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six Obamanation delegates and a rabbit." The man asks, "Why the rabbit?" "Fantastic attitude!" says the Sheriff, "When can you start?" Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs just touching a lake? A: Doc. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs resting on a podium? A: Mike. *Happy Mental Health Day* Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in the retard ward of a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news - you're being discharged, since you were able rationally to respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. Now the bad news - Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry! How soon can I go home?" A lesbian slept with 13 women in one night and suddenly died. Her autopsy revealed she died from a crack overdose. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs holding down a railroad tie? A: Spike. Q: What do you call a cat with no arms and no legs? A: Dog food. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire? A: Bernie. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs stuck in a quarry? A: Rocky. A MODERN NURSERY RHYME: Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad... She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. Jack and Jill went into town To fetch some chips and sweeties. He can't keep his heart rate down And she's got diabetes. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with "Claims Direct." Mary had a little skirt With splits right up the sides. And everywhere that Mary went The boys could see her thighs. Mary had another skirt 'twas split right up the front ...But she didn't wear that one often. Jack and Jill went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up its ass And turned its wool to nylon. Mary had a little lamb Its fleece was white and wispy. Then it caught Hoof and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy. Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered; And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard. Mary had a little lamb. Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. She to he: Now let's put our clothes on and you can show me that good time you promised. SNAP JUDGEMENTS ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN Reading the signs: How to make shallow snap judgements - Taken from Women's Glibber The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize - and decode these key "signs": 1. Woman won't unlock car door for man. -She doesn't engage in oral sex. 2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman. -She gets no foreplay. 3. Man can't hail a cab. -He's impotent. 4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant. -He prefers virgins. 5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way there. -He's a virgin. 6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant. --He's a compulsive Don Juan. 7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe. --He's a compulsive Don Quixote. 8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar. --He's a compulsive Don Ho. 9. Wants to go to a French restaurant. -She will swallow. 10. Wants to go to a deli. -She won't swallow. 11. Uses Sweet n' Low. -She wears falsies. 12. Takes too long deciding what to order. -She has trouble reaching orgasm. 13. Orders salad dressing on the side. -She will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way." 14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress. -She will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed. -She will say she's using birth control when she's not, will get pregnant and sue. 16. Insists on ordering for you. He thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't. 17. Asks for "the usual." -She insists on missionary position only. 18. She asks what the specials are. -Will want you to use handcuffs. 19. He fills up on bread and crackers. -Premature ejaculator. 20. He doesn't finish everything on the plate. -Has already come. 21. He insists on having some of what you ordered. -Will make you sleep on the wet spot. 22. Changes mind after ordering. -He will never call you. 23. She changes tables. -Nymphomaniac. 24. She drinks decaf. -Fakes orgasm. 25. Orders in French. -Fakes orgasm. (Male) 26. Sends food back. -He will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow money. 27. She asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts. -Needs you to talk dirty during sex. 28. He orders a dessert involving ladyfingers. -Wants a hand job. 29. She orders a dessert involving nuts. -Castrating bitch. 30. She wants to split dessert. -Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets. 31. His credit card is refused. -Low sperm count. 32. Undertips waiter. -Small penis. 33. Undertips parking valet. -Small penis. 34. Undertips cabby. -Small penis. 35. He uses a toothpick. -Is trying to tell you size isn't everything. 36. He has a removable cassette player in car. -Pulls out repeatedly during sex. 37. Has a cellular phone in car. -Has a penile implant. Q: Did you hear that gun sales among Alabamans have gone up 180 percent? A: They heard that the Russians had invaged Georgia, and they weren't going to be taken unprepared. Q: What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs sitting on the grill? A: Patty. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on the grill with her? A: Frank. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who always tells the whole truth? A: That would be Frank, too. Q. How does a consultant make love? A. He sits on the edge of the bed and tells you how fucking awesome it's gonna be. Q: What do you get when you cross the ocean on the Titanic? A: Halfway. A twelve year-old boy showed up at middle school with the biggest shit-eating grin of all time. "Why so happy?" his friends asked. "Because my parents just hired a hot new French maid who doesn't speak English very well!" "So, what's so great about that?" "My parents told her it was part of her job to make sure I get tucked in bed every night!" A nun walked into the confessional. The priest asked, "Do you have any sins to confess sister?" "Yes, I've been fucking five altar boys." "You didn't don your nun's garb to sin! You vowed to give up your passions!" "I know," she said, "I do it out of habit." Q: How can you tell who is a Republican woman and who is a Democrat? A: Republican women have calves. Printing lies about Republicans is OK: It’s called “vetting.” Printing truths about liberals is not OK: It’s called “swiftboating.” Q: Where can you find Teddy Kennedy after a dozen scotches? A: On the floor of the Senate. Q: Why is Dolly Parton so jealous of the Democrat ticket? A: Because B Hussein Obamanation and Plagiarist Joe OverBiden are the two biggest boobs in the world. Q: Why do the Demoncrats keep a live monkey on B Hussein Obamation's airplane? A: In case he needs spare parts. Q: What is a "moderate" politician? A: One with a yellow stripe down his back. Q: How will B Hussein Obamanation be like a virgin Polack? A: If he gets in, he will have absolutely no idea what to do. THREE THINGS TO POINDER: 1. Cows 2. The Constitution 3. The Ten Commandments COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 20 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. THE CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and the liberals stopped using it 75 years ago. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment for all of them. Q: Why is B Hussein Obamanation a "revenue-sexual"? A: He wants to fuck every single tax payer in America. Q: What should George Bush have done if the Democrats had nominated Teddy Kennedy? A: Pardoned Sirhan Sirhan. Daffynition - Liberal: Someone who repeats the same stupid mistake over and over, and expects different results than the customary failure. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives? A: The vegetable garden. Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration hurricane recovery alligators attacking people in Florida Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation: 1. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. 2. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of New Orleans above sea level, instead of 60 feet below it. 3. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet a hot chick and you both have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your wife for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your wife for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your wife for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you each yell "Fuck you!" at the other. The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on. Q: What is the hardest thing for a guy who rollerblades? A: Telling his parents that he's gay. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What? What? Victoria, Texas, is a town about 80 miles west of Houston. Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%. Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards! Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. Siamese twins walk into a pub in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Tom. Two Molson Canadian beers, please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year and rent a car and drive for miles, don't we, Tom?" Tom agrees. "Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like all that British shit," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Tom? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going over there?" asks the barkeep. "It's the only time Tom gets a chance to drive." A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository; it's up to you." Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek. "Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot! "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her." So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!" John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school?" "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What movie did you watch?" asked Marsha. "'The Ten Commandments'." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a DVD called 'Debbie Deep Throats 16 Black Guys'." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too angry with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair. Q: What is the New York City motto? A: Eat, Drink, and be Merry, for tomorrow you may be killed by a nigger in Central park. A blonde a, a brunette, and a redhead were at the top of a cliff looking down at the beach. Suddenly a genie appears to them and says, "I will grant to turn you each into whatever you wish if you'll jump off the side of this cliff." So the redhead jumps off and shouts, "Seagull" and turns into a seagull and flies away. Then the brunette jumps off and shouts, "Whale" and turns into a whale, falls into the sea and swims away. Finally the blonde runs towards the cliff edge, but trips at the last second, as she falls she shouts out, "Shit!" One day a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses. So, the brunette goes through her brunette daughter's purse and finds cigarettes. She says, "Oh my God! I'm so ashamed! My daughter smokes." So, the redhead goes through her redheaded daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my God! I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks." So, finally, it's the blonde's turn and she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my God! I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis!" Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. One day two brothers, Jack & John decide to go out diving for seafood. They quickly manage to fill up a sack of seafood so Jack decides to take it back to shore and grab another sack to fill. John is out at sea all by himself when he sees a shark coming towards him. Frantically he calls out to his brother Jack who is still at shore, "Bro Help me! Help me! there is a shark heading straight for me." Jack calls back "Yeah, Im coming bro." John is freaking out, the shark swims right up to him and bites off his leg. Again he is calling out to Jack who is still at the shoreline, "Bro come and help me, the sharks bitten off one of my legs!" Jack yells back, "Yeah, hold on Im coming!" John tries to stay calm and wait for his brother but then the shark bites off one of his arms. He yells back to his brother Jack, "Hurry! Come and help me! The shark has bitten off my arm and my leg!" Jack calls back, "Hold on Im coming!" Then the shark bites off his other leg, John yells, "Jack you have to come and save me! The shark has bitten off both my legs and an arm!" And as usual Jack replies,. "Jus wait, Im coming!" The shark then bites off John's other arm. Now John has neither arms nor legs. Jack finally arrives to save him. "Come on bro, get on my back and I will swim you back to shore!" When they get to the shoreline Jack says with an exhausted sigh, "I feel fucked." And John replies, "Well, I had to hold on to you somehow!" Question: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: One. ONE!! And do you know why it only takes one? Because no one else in this house knowshow to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is burned out! They would sit in this house... in the dark... for THREE DAYS before they figured it out! And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, two days later the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to CHANGE the stupid light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!!!! THE HOUSE!!? IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... this... I'm sorry... what was the question...? Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. Man: That works for me.... as long as you are still a bit warm when I shove it in ya. Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator. Man: So, that's how you got that little moustache Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your ass. Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there any more. Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut. A man went to a shrink carrying a large cardboard box. The shrink had him put it on his desk and asked the man to open the box. He did. Inside was a woman's severed head with a large ugly hat on top of it. "Holy shit!" exclaimed the psychiatrist, "That's grotesque!" "That's exactly what I told her when she bought it," he answered. Two men went to the doctor at the same time. The first told him, "Doc, I can't get it up more than once a week. Is there anything you can give me to rev me up a bit?" "Sure," said the doctor, handing him some pills. "These are multi-vitamins, and will get you going two or three times per week." "My problem is just the opposite. I am wearing my wife out because I have to do it five to eight times per night. Is there anything that you can give me?" "Sure, said the doctor, handing him some pills. "What are these?" he asked. "Truth serum." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?" "No, son," his father answered. "Many begin with, 'If I am elected...'." Q: Why are so many politicians divorced? A: They don't get time to do to their wives what they do to the taxpayers. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaimed the man. "There's something terribly wrong with my digestive system. When I eat bananas, bananas come out the other end. When I eat apples, apples come out the other end. What should I do?" "Simple," the doctor replied. "Eat shit." A woman awoke in a hospital bed with a doctor standing over her. "I have some good news, and some bad news." "Tell me the bad news first," she asked. "We discovered you had advanced cancer in both breasts, and just performed a double mastectomy." "Oh! That's horrible! What's the good news?" "The transvestite in the bed next to you has offered to buy all your bras." In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower! In the survey, carried out for leading toiletries firm 'Brut', a huge 86% of Detroit residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower. The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison... Some politicians and their aides were on a yacht when a terrible storm cropped up. One popular politician was washed overboard into heavily shark-infested waters. "Does anyone on board have permanent marker?" one aide asked. He was handed a marker, faced the waves, wrote something on his T-shirt and dived in. He vigorously swam out to the politician and towed him back to their boat. "My God, that was heroic!" several people observed. "What did you write on yourself to keep from being eaten?" one girl asked. "I wrote that B Hussein Obamanation would make a great president, and not even a shark would swallow that!" Q: Did you hear about the politician who had the same horrible, recurring nightmare every night? A: He kept dreaming that all the money he was spending was his own. Q: Why did Representative Waxman hire a blonde assistant? A: He was in the mood for a congressional probe. A political convention was in town, and woman called the local police to complain, "There's a naked Republican standing in his hotel window masturbating." "We'll send someone right over, but how do you know it's a Republican?" "Because if he were a Democrat, he'd be out fucking the taxpayers." Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning? A: A visitor. Q: What do you call an unmarried blonde in a BMW? A: Divorcee. Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause? A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. Then, when you are done, you will have a place to live. A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter so he wanted tried impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks. "Huh?!" replied the surprised young man. "My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father. Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!" Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month. While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can." The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me." The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret." Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage? A: No. Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving memory is a problem. I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word 'service'. Internal Revenue 'Service' U.S. Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' T.V. 'Service' Civil 'Service' City & County Public 'Service' Customer 'Service' This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows. It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I was. Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath and their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," their companion replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." Sam looked at the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," the companion replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said their companion to Sam. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," the companion replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" Sam pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." Sam glared at Edith and said, "If it weren't for you and your shitty bran muffins, we could have been here 15 years ago!" A WOMAN'S POEM Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door. Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?" I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend. A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a rock? A: You can't fuck a rock. Q: Did you hear about the new drug that cures lesbianism? A: It's called Trymenagain. Q: What is harder than nailing a dead baby to a fence? A: My erection while I am doing it. Q: How can you tell if your date is too ugly? A: She has to pass a chromosome test just to get into the women's rest room. HISTORICALLY APPROPRIATE USES OF THE WORD "FUCK" "What the fuck was that?" -Mayor of Hiroshima "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" -Custer "Any fucking idiot could understand that." -Einstein "It does too fucking look like her!" -Picasso "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" -Michelangelo "Scattered fucking showers…my ass!" -Noah "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head!" -JFK "Aw, c'mon Monica, who the fuck is going to find out?" -Bill Clinton Q: What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? A: I do not have a Cadillac in my garage. A husband and wife were doing their grocery shopping. The man picked up a case of beer and stuck in into the shopping cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asked the wife. "They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans," he said. "Put them back. We can't afford it," said the wife and, they continued shopping. A few aisles later the woman picked up a $20.00 jar of facecream and put it it into the cart. "Whoa, what do you think you're doing?" asked the man. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she said. The man replied "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's only half the price." A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant, notice a bearded man with a halo, and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, "On me." The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about getting me a cold glass of beer?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my tab," he said. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up quickly and yelled, "Don't you dare touch me ... I'm collecting disability!" Q: What kind of noise does a baby make going into a blender? A: I don't know, I was too busy masturbating. The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his hot blonde secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You just graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." A man married a woman who had an identical twin, but in less than one year was in court petitioning for a divorce. "Tell the court, " said the judge, "why you want a divorce." "Well, your Honor, every time my sister-in-law came over for a visit, because they looked the same I would wind up making love to her by mistake." "Surely, sir, there must have been some difference between the twins!" replied the judge. "Of course, your Honor. That's why I want a divorce." Q: Why does every man want a son? A: Because with a boy you only have to worry about one penis, but with a girl you have to worry about all of them. A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down, fucking furiously. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well, when you go shopping the teenaged girl next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." A general store owner hires a hot chick clerk with a penchant for micro mini skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is always located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with beautiful beaver shot. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each male is asking for raisin bread, just to view the chick's pussy as she climbs up and down. After a few trips she gets tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily. "No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's startin' to twitch." Q: What do tightrope walking and getting a blowjob from Grandma have in common ? A: You don't dare look down. Q: Who can make more money in a week, a drug dealer or a prostitute? A: The prostitute because she can wash and resell her crack. Q: What is a zebra? A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" brA. Q: How is being at a singles bar different from being at the circus? A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk. A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start." Q: How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs? A: One Post, two Globes, and many Times. Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter? A: A cock that sticks to the roof of her mouth. Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: Why did the baby drop it’s lollipop? A: It got hit by a truck. *Quotes From The Perfect Woman:* 1.) "I'll swallow it all...I just love the taste!" 2.) "Are you sure you've had enough beer?" 3.) "I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!" 4.) "Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tawnee over for a threesome!" 5.) "If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!" 6.) "I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?" 7.) "You're so sexy when you're hung over." 8.) "I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping." 9.) "Let's subscribe to Hustler." 10.) "Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?" 11.) "Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses." 12.) "I'll be out painting the house." 13.) "I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too." 14.) "Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!" 15.) "I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house." 16.) "No, no, I'll take the car to have the oil changed." 17.) "Your mother did a great job raising you." 18.) "Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself new clubs." 19.) "I understand fully. Our anniversary comes every year for God's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever." 20.) "Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?" 21.) "Not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!" 22.) "Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8." 23.) "You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings." 24.) "That was a great fart! Do another one!" 25.) "I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!" A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a Marine," responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?" "I was in Iraq for 2 years and I have a partial disability." "May I ask what happened?" "Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles." "You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 AM." "When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability." "Everyone else starts at 7 AM, but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. The rest of us just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first." Q: How can you tell when a town is really small? A: The local hooker has to stand underneath a flashlight. "So, what do you love most about me?" asked the wife. "My beautiful face or my sexy body?" "Your sense of humor," he answered. Q: What is better than a dead baby? A: The cessation of paying child support. A man is incomplete until he's married--and then he's really finished. Q: Why did Eliot Spitzer, the former governor of New York, spend $80,000 on escorts? A: Because his wife was a Spitzer but he wanted a swallower. Q: Why did Eliot Spitzer's wife stand next to him when he publicly confessed to cheating in his marriage? A: Because it qualifies her to run for President on the Democrat ticket. Q: What should you do when your girlfriend tells you that she fakes her orgasms? A: Pretend you don't hear her. An aggressively hostile drunk wandered into a bar and promptly announced, "I can lick any man in this place!" The bartender responded, "This must be your first time in a gay bar, huh?" Q: How can you tell if the chick in a motel room is a hooker? A: She's been made more times than the bed. Q: How can a guy tell if he is a real loser? A: His identical twin sister forgets his birthday. YOU MIGHT BE A TALIBAN IF... 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." 10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat. Q: How can a chick know she is really ugly? A: If she has to blindfold herself before taking a bath. Q: What did one female Siamese twin say to the other the morning after her wedding night? A: "We're not identical any more." The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator. "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and placed it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." Q: What is a wedding? A: A funeral where you get to smell your own flowers. When a couple went from a singles bar to her apartment and got naked, she looked at his dick and said, "I'm afraid that is inadequate. I need twelve inches." "Luck for you my dick is not twelve inches, then, huh?" "How do you figure that?" "Because if it were twelve inches, it would be a foot." Three guys were playing craps in an alley and just getting ready to finish their game when a super hot chick walked up to them and said, "For $2000, I want to roll the dice once and bet I'll get a seven." The trio consulted, figured the odds were slim, and permitted her one roll. Just as she was about to roll the dice, she stopped, took off her blouse and bra and then, topless, picked up the dice again as if to roll them. Seeing as how totally entranced the three were, she again stopped and removed every stitch of her clothing. Then she finally rolled the dice. "See! I said I'd roll a seven!" she exclaimed just before scooping up the money and her clothes and slinked off down the alley. "Did either of you guys see her roll seven with the dice?" asked the first guy. "What seven?" said the second guy. "What dice?" said the third. Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is really flat chested? A: She tries to contract breast cancer just so she can wear a bra. Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is really flat chested? A: When she lies on her back naked, she looks like a board with a knothole. Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is truly ugly? A: People offer to pay $100 rent to have her to sit in their window on Halloween. Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend is really flat chested? A: When she lies down naked you can play one pocket pool on her. A guy walking down the street at 1755 hours saw a sign on a building that said, "Premature Ejaculators Support Group Meets Here at 1800 hours." He walked in, but he meeting was already over. SCHOOL — 1957 vs. 2007 Scenario #1: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school. *1957* - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. *2007 *- Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark… Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario #2: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students. *1957* - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal… Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. *2007 *- Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin… Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario #3: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. *1957 *- Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman. *2007* - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse… Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang… State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison… Billy's Mom has affair with psychologist. Scenario #4: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. *1957 *- Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock. *2007* - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations… Car searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario #5: Pedro fails high school English. *1957 *- Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college. *2007* - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher… English banned from core curriculum… Pedro given diploma anyway… but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English. Scenario #6: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed. *1957* - Ants die. *2007* - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home… computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad, a pilot, goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario #7: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary… Mary hugs him to comfort him. *1957* - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. *2007* - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison… Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. Q: How did the girl celebrate the loss of her virginity? A: She had a coming-in party. "I want a divorce from that guy over there," the woman told the judge. "Why do you want to divorce him?" the judge asked. "Because he's a terrible lay." "How long have you been married?" the judge inquired. "Eleven years." "You've been married eleven years and are only NOW discovering that he's a rotten lay? How do you explain that?" "I had no idea, until we got a new black pool boy." Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES . . . $50.00." A policeman seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time another car passed with a sign saying "Jesus Saves." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different - it pertains to religion." So they took their sign down and the next day there they were, driving around town with a new sign which said, "Two Angels Seeking Peter . . . $50.00." A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?" Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them you wouldn't be here." Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?" A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie and promised to send the driver money from home but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the same businessman returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport, and at the end of a long line of cabs, he saw the very driver who had refused him a ride when he was down on his luck. He thought for a moment and got into the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" he added. "What! Get the hell out of my cab!" The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks" to which the businessman replied "ok" and off they went. As they drove past the cabs in the long line, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up to each driver. A shy young man went to bar and spotted a hot chick sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, “Ma’am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?” She was alert, suspected this man, and responded by yelling, “No, I won't sleep with you tonight!” Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returned to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman, waits a little and then went to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she said, “I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments.” The cunning guy now yells loudly, “You'll do WHAT for $500?” A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his “manhood” into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn’t remove the instrument from his ‘member.’ He read the manual but didn’t find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line. “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow’s udder?” “No problemo,” replied the customer service rep, “The machine will release automatically once it’s collected two gallons…" I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain. Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes that she has gone without underwear. The blonde notices he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I an," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss at you." Sure enough her pussy blows him a kiss. Joe, who is completely impressed, inquires what else her wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in it?" Stunned, Joe replies, "Holy Shit! Can it whistle, too?" Jacob considers himself to be one of the lucky ones because he's the only one of his family to have survived two years in a Nazi death camp. He's now nearing 90 and his only remaining joy is the national lottery, which he's been playing for years without success. But then he wins the big one, a prize of $10 million. A journalist from the Times calls on him for a story. Jacob tells him, "As I'm the only one in my family to have survived the concentration camps, this has helped me decide how to make use of my large win. So, I've decided to donate $5 million to the Save the Children Fund, $3 million to the Simon Wiesenthal Center, $750,000 to the Jewish Museum, $750,000 Hadassah Hospital and $500,000 to be shared amongst my friends. I'm also thinking of donating $1 to the Nazi Party from my winnings." The journalist is surprised. "But Jacob, how can you think of donating even $1 to the Nazi party after everything that's happened to you and your family?" Jacob rolls up his sleeve, points to his arm, smiles and replies, "It's only fair. They gave me the winning numbers." A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went agog about her youthful beauty. One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Q: Why did God invent yeast infections? A: So that women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt. Q: How can you pick the guy who uses inflatable dolls out at the beach? A: Instead of looking at the hot chicks in bikinis, he looks at beach balls. Q: When is a woman happily married? A: When her lover really likes her husband. Q: How can you tell if a chick might be too much to handle? A: If her vibrator is a cattle prod. Q: How can you tell if your wife is getting too old? A: You can suck her tit and then lick her cunt just by turning your head. Q: What's worse for a girl than having a magician pull a hare out of her hat? A: Having him pull a hair out of her snatch. A gorgeous blonde with a gigantic rack and tight ass walked into a hotel and told the clerk, "I'd like a room." "Sure thing," the clerk said as he smiled at her lecherously. "Would you like to pay for that by the hour, week, or mouth?" There is a three story apartment building with one apartment on each floor. A white family lives on the top floor. A wetback family lives on the second floor A nigger family lives on the bottom floor. At 2:00 PM in the afternoon a terrible tornado hits the building, totally destroying it. Q: Which family lived and why? A:The White family because both parents were at work and the kids were in school. A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so happy?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "No wonder, lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." There was a guy struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with topless, and wearing neither shoes nor socks. "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host. "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?" The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt.... so I did. "Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did. "Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .... so I did. "Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy....' "And here I am." Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says, "Strewth, Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And drives off. Southerners can be so polite! Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R." Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised." Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R." Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R--Allah is Great." Pause...Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC!" Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511. "Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!" Atlanta ATC: "Well, bless your hearts, and praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'Hey' for us..." A Chinese man had three daughters, he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. The youngest daughter replies, "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground." Newlyweds go to the Hilton on their honeymoon. They check in at the front, and the receptionist gives the groom a key to the bridal suite. The whole evening, the people in the next room are phoning down to the main desk to complain about the moaning, which doesn't stop for one minute the whole night. The next morning at 6 a.m, the groom calls room service. "Hi, could I get some breakfast brought up here?" "Sure, what would you like?" asks room service. The groom says, "Well, I have to replace all the energy I lost last night, so you'd better get me 6 fried eggs, 9 sausages, 12 slices of toast, and 6 liters of orange juice." Room service replies, "Gee, that's quite an appetite you have there. Is that for your wife as well, or just for you?" "No, that's just for me. Can you send up six pieces of lettuce for my wife as well?" Room service asks, "Why six pieces of lettuce?" The groom replies, "I want to see if she can eat like a rabbit too!" A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat!" said the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," said the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow." A Arkansan couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision, why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. It's titled: "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong." During a recent magic show, a man asked me, "Sir, how do you do that trick?" I responded, "If I told you I would have to kill you." He said, "OK, then...tell my wife." A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here and let me tell you about a boy. He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He is going to try and feel your breasts, you are going to like that but don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his sex with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted: "Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted. THE WEDDING TEST I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful and hot younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fuck, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car. THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. --Molly McGee Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. --Mickey Rooney In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. --Helen Rowland Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. --Unknown I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely " in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants." Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down and use a lubricant. A suburbanite's Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did." She got the raise. Q: Why do East Indian women have a red dot on their forehead? A: When they get married the husband gets to scratch it off to see if he won a gas station or a 7-11. This morning, in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, AOL Help, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers. Who knew it would come to this. It's getting ugly. This morning, in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell Computer customer service reps, AOL Help, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers. Who knew it would come to this. It's getting ugly. Before Marriage He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! Over and over! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why are you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Every chance I get! She: Will you hit me? He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! She: Can I trust you? He: Yes. She: Darling! ***After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top! A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, "Didyou see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did." The judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!" The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now, is that a problem?" The man at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!" A married man asked his wife what she would like to have for their anniversary. "I'd like something shiny that goes from zero to 200 in less than 6 seconds!" she says. The husband bought her a bathroom scale. Q: What's the difference between select and choose? A: Select is when you pick one item out of many. Choose is what a wetback wears on his feet. Q: What do you call a little mexican? A: A paragraph, because he's not quite an essay. Q: How do you keep a fag from going out at night? A: Pour more gasoline on him. Q: If Tarzan and Jane were black, what would Cheetah be? A: The brains of the outfit. Q: What's a black mermaid? A: A carp with tits. Q: Why don't women need drivers licenses? A: Because there aren't any roads from the kitchen to the bedroom. Q: What do your pregnant girlfriend and a slinky have in common? A: They both need a push down the stairs. A vampire bat came flapping in from the night; face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited vampire bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled round him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in frenzy. "Good for you!" said the bat, "Because I fucking didn't!" The other day, I was accosted by a hooker. She asked, "How'bout a blowjob, honey? Only $50." "No way!" I responded. "I'm married!" "So? What difference does that make?" asked the hooker. So I told her, "Big difference...My wife will blow me for only $25." Q: What mere human terrifies the Jolly Green Giant? A: An avacado picker. A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar, which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $1,000.00 Checking his wallet, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the super stacked hot chick bartender. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," says the old biker, "are you the young babe who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes", she smiles and purrs, "I sure am." The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger." Q: What is the difference between a sin and a shame? A: A sin is when you stick it in, a shame is when you pull it out. There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H - Husband, W - Wife) H - "Hello??" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? " H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,000." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..." W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year... H - "What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $65,000." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else... H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property." H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - " Bye...I love you too..." The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband nonchalantly raises his hand while holding the phone and asks: "*Does anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?" Q: Where must you go to find a hot chick who is truly committed? A: To a mental hospital. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. Q: What is the number one way a hot chick has to drive a man crazy? A: Marry him.