Q: How can a starving Ethiopian woman tell when she's pregnant? A: When she pulls out her tampon and it's half eaten. "What on God's green earth were you thinking when you broke off your engagement?" the mother said to her blonde daughter. "That guy gave you a huge ring!" "True, his diamond was of good quality," she answered. "It was his mounting that left a lot to be desired." Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money, furs, and jewels. Oral sex is a matter of taste. Q: Do you know how Monatanans practice safe sex? A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick. Thought for the Day: The American Indians found out what happens when you don't control immigration. A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude." She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am!" replied the man. "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me." The man smiled and expounded, "You must be a Democrat." "I am!" replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met; but somehow now it's my fault." Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? A: Give the bitch a shovel. Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? A: He thought it was a delivery service. Q: What is the worst punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law. A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour, When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you? Q: How did the housewife get acquitted of murder by stabbing her husband with a letter opener? A: She was able to convince the jury that her husband was junk male. Let's keep incest in the family. Constipation is the thief of time; diarrhea waits for no man. Q: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz? A: She had three men giving her directions. A teenage girl told her boyfriend that she wanted him to be more affectionate, so he dutifully went out the next day and got two additional girlfriends. Daffynition - foreplay: The conversation with a woman wherein you either wildly exaggerate or flatout lie about your positive qualities in order to get laid. After his divorce Bill realized that poker wasn't the only game that began with holding hands and ended with staggering financial loss. Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs? A: He doesn't want you to know that he fucks chickens. There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad........ She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. NURSERY RHYMES CHILDREN MIGHT'VE MISSED: MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread. JACK AND JILL Went up the hill To have a little fun. Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son. HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men. Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again. HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock. The little dog laughed to see such fun, Then died of electric shock. GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry. And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. As you may have heard the Bush Administration said each and every one of us would now get a nice income tax rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to Red China. If we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Islamofascists, if we purchase a computer it will all go to India, if we purchase fruit and vegetables it will all go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatamala, if we purchase a good car it will all go to Japan, if we purchase useless crap it will all go to Red China again and none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America, so the only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since those are the only businesses still in these US. Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?" Carlos' sign reads, "I have no work, a wife, and 6 kids to support." Jose says, "No wonder you only get 2 - 3 dollars!" Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico." Q: What is the difference between Congress and a condom? A: You can only fit one prick into a condom. Baseball is totally unbelievable. A man who has four balls cannot walk. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. As Slick Willie the Impeached and Hitlery Rotten were leaving the White House for the last time, I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire 21-guns to the outgoing President and first lady. It was only then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated under its viciously deliberate dismantling by the Clinton administration. Every last one of them missed. An old man (a retired pilot) approached an super hot chick inside the mall. "Excuse me," he said. "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?" "I have no idea, but every time I talk to a fox with boobs like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere." A WOMAN'S REFLECTION ON MENOPAUSE: My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red dent on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Q: What is every Amish chick's fantasy? A: Two Mennonite. They were going to ask Patrick Swayze to do a remake of "Ghost" but then decided just to wait a few weeks. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pit bull? A: Jewelry. Q: When Slick Willie was in office, why did Hitlery Rotten always want to have sex with him in the morning? A: She truly wanted to be the first lady. A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch!" But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you are mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize. The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and it reads: W I N A B A G E L. The newlywed bride was wrapping up her annual physical with her doctor when he asked her, "So, do you have any questions for me?" She said to him, "Well, yeah, a few. I mean my husband and I have 'done it' lots of times, but it's just that I want to know the medical terms for a man's body." "OK", said the doctor, "Shoot." "On the end of his dick, there's this big knobby thing with a hole in the tip. What do you call that?" The doctor said, "Well, first of all, the term is penis, not dick. And the medical term for the object on the penis end is the head." She continued, "And right behind the head there's a long hard thing with lots of veins in it. What is that?" "The technical term for that is a shaft," said the doctor. "OK, cool," she said. "Now, about 14 inches behind the head there's these two hairy, round kind of things that droop down. What are those?" The doctor smirked and said to the newlywed, "Well, I don't know about your husband, but on me those are the cheeks of my ass." DRIVE UP ATM, MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. DRIVE UP ATM, FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wal let and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look and finger to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake. A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman, almost." The priest says, "What do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Of course not Father, I rubbed $50 up against it and you said that was the same as putting it in." BIRTHDAY REMINDER This week we celebrate a special birthday! Monica Lewinsky turns 34. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House floor on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they? Q: How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you? A: You have to make airplane noises to get your cock in her mouth. Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. An extremely cocky young man was about to fuck his latest conquest, when she whispered, "Please be gentle with me. I have a weak heart." "Don't worry," he replied arrogantly, "I'm always careful when I get inside that deeply." Q: What do you get when you give a faggot Alzheimer's? A: A guy who spends all day wondering why his ass hurts. A newly married man asked his redheaded trophy wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Darlin'," she purred, "I'd have married you no matter WHO left you a fortune!" "I think I may be losing my mind!" The blonde 10 complained to her doctor. "I can't remember anything five minutes after it happens!" Her doctor answered her in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes and lie down." Q: What do you get when you slowly stick a knife into a dead baby? A: A hardon. A guy walks into a print shop and immediately decides to hit on the large-breasted blonde clerk. "By the way, do you keep stationery?" "I always try to," she answers, "but at the last second I just go fucking crazy!" A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives in town?'" The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer. Q: What do you call a rooster with erectile dysfunction? A: A boneless chicken. The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe." Subject: Man Day The 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner,shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. This is why a new holiday has been created. March 20th is now officially "Steak, Blowjob, and Shut the Fuck Up Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, and shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it! This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blowjob, and Shut the Fuck Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to the world. Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer. At Age 4.... Success is..... Not peeing in your pants At Age 6.... Success is..... Finding your way home (From school) At Age 12.... Success is... Having friends At Age 18.... Success is... Having a driver's license At Age 20.....Success is... Having sex At Age 35.....Success is... Having money At Age 45.....Success is... Having money At Age 55.....Success is... Having money At Age 60.....Success is... Having sex At Age 65.....Success is... Keeping a driver's license At Age 70.....Success is... Having friends At Age 75.....Success is... Finding your way home (From anywhere) At Age 80.....Success is... Not peeing in your pants The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near. "Yes, Father?" said the nurse "I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse. The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT." Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it. Little Cleotius came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his likely father was black. So Cleotius asks, "Mammy, am I a kike or a nigger?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your likely father," his mother tells him. So, when his most likely father arrived home from pimping, Little Cleotius asks the same question. "What kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're mo' Jewish or mo' black?" asks his likely father. "Well, it's like this my most likely papa... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the motherfuckin' thing." During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?" "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: Senator. When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hitlery's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?" The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." "Amen," said Bill. "Amen," said Hitlery. The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same." Little Billy wakes up in the middle of the night and hears strange sounds coming from his parents' bedroom. He sneaks up and nudges open the door, and sure enough, Mom's got her legs wide open and Dad is plowing her like there's no tomorrow. Billy sees this, gasps and runs away hearing his father's laughter as he goes. Mom stops Dad and says "Dear, you'd better go and talk to Billy, I'm afraid we've upset him!" Dad walks down the hall to Billy's room, and nobody's there. So he walks further down the hall and hears strange noises from the guest room. So he sneaks up and nudges the door open to find little Billy pumping away, fucking his grandmother hard in the ass. Dad shouts "Billy! What the hell are you doing" Billy looks over his shoulder and replies "Yeah, it's not so funny when it's YOUR mom, is it?" Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A: The lawyer charges more. A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then, just before I lay pipe in you,.he said with a deep sigh, let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? A: To practice. Q: What's the definition of gross? A: Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue. Q: What's even grosser than that? A: When one of them throws up. Down in Texas a football fan is drinking in a Texan bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the football fan just shrugs and replies, "That's about average in Texas. Like I said, my boy's a typical Texas baby boy. Gonna be a football player." Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Texas boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Texan takes a slow swig of his Jack Daniels, wipes his mouth on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,"Had him circumcised." Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this hot chick they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?". "No," says the first, "a bit sour." Q: What is small, white, and knocks on a window? A: A baby in a microwave. Some Revised Heath Ledger Movie Titles from IMDB.com: - The Crematorium of Doctor Bareasses - The Dark Night - I’m Not There (why change it?) - Heaven’s Cassanova - Cassano-mo - Brokeback Massage - The Lords of Pilltown - The Odor - Dead Kelley - The No-More Feathers - A Nights Flail - Two Hands, Six Feet Under - 10 Things I Hate About Me - Home and Really Far Away More Heath Ledger Jokes: Ladies everywhere have finally found out how to pick up Heath Ledger …with a stretcher. Apparently Heath Ledger recently got in an argument with the wardrobe consultant on the set of his new movie. He was really upset that the body bag was only available in green. Rumor has it that Heath Ledger will be appearing on Inside the Actors Studio next week via Ouija Board. E is reporting that production has begun on “The Patriot 2.” Heath Ledger will once again play the role of the dead son. PRESS RELEASE….. Coming Soon to a theatre near you - Batman: The Dark Knight, starring Heath Ledger as The Choker. Q: Why did Heath Ledger take so many sleeping pills? A: Because he wanted to be "Down Under.” Producers always thought the new Batman movie, Dark Knight was set to make a killing. Q: What does Jack Nicholson’s potryal of the Joker have that Heath Ledger’s doesn’t? A: A chance for a sequel. Heath Ledger was supposedly about to audition for a role on the OC, however he apparently preferred the OD. Who wants to “Wake Up in a City that Never Sleeps?" Frank Sinatra did. Heath ledger apparently not so much. For sale: One spare ticket to the Batman premiere. Heath Ledger Special Boxed Edition Available! Heath Ledger Jokes: He was apparently scheduled to have a massage in his apartment. Guess he didn’t get the happy ending. Q: Whats black and white and hungry? A: Heath Ledger's cat. Words last overheard in Heath Ledger's apartment? “Let’s massage some life into those stiff legs.” Debit one from the Heath Ledger. Accountants around the world today are in a state of panic. It appears that they lost a Ledger. Today, critics allegations were confirmed, Heath Ledger is a stiff actor. They say he is a good actor but Heath Ledger’s last performance was a little hard to swallow. He thought about jumping off the building but realized no one was interested in seeing Brokeback again. The ledger reads: Batman 1 Joker 0 How can Batman defeat the Joker? With a handful of sleeping pills. Word is he was depressed. I guess he took “10 things I hate about you” a little too seriously….. Q: What do Jake Gylennhal’s cherry and a bottle of Paxil have in common? A: They both got popped by Heath Ledger. Heath Ledger starred in ”10 pills I took without you." Heath Ledger has apparently died of an overdose. Rumour has it, he got addicted to ‘crack’ after shooting Brokeback Mountain! His latest role was “I’m Not There”. Guess that applies to all his future film releases too…. Batman: win by default. Q: How does the blonde know when her guy has cum? A: The one standing in line behind him takes his place. Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer. She's such a cunt. Q: How do you make mercury more deadly? A: Give it AIDS and call it Freddie. Q: What do the men shout out inside a muslim strip club? A: Show us your face! An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered, "I thought he was dead." An Alledgedly True Story Sent Wednesday, January 16, 2008 0945 hrs Got to love the Marines! Top this for a speeding ticket. Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15 near MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location. Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander. Back came a reply in true USMC style: Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed. Thank you for your concerns. Q: Why didn't Superman save the Twin Towers? A: The guy was a cripple at the time. One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word "penis" again on the black board. Again, she erased it and looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!" Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" "I turned out the light." As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died." A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don’t worry. You’ll never go to jail with all that money! In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime. Sign over the entrance door to a brothel: Please be sated. A guy met a hot chick at the gym and fell madly in love with her, getting married a mere two weeks later. They checked into a local hotel for their honeymoon, but the desk clerk warned them he was going to charge double the going rate for the honeymoon suite. "Why?" the new groom asked. "Because I can tell from the amount of your luggage, Suzy is going to be staying here longer than her usual one hour." Q: What did the sign over the entrance door to Planned Parenthood say? A: Thank you for not coming. Q: What is male menopause? A: The change of wife. Q: Did you hear about the hooker who got arrested in the coal fields? A: She was charged with contributing to the delinquency of a miner. Q: Why do male porn stars always look so exhausted? A: Because they have to work harder than the average guy. Q: How do all orgies begin? A: Everyone chews a partner. Q: What is your first clue you are checking in to a kinky hotel? A: The doorman flashes you on the way in. Q: What is a girl scout knife? A: A boy scout knife with a dildo attachment. A newlywed couple were traveling far from the city when they stopped at a service station. The husband went in first to use the rest room, and when he came out he yelled,"Darling, do you think we ought to take the interstate to get there faster?" "No," his beautiful bride said, raising her head up from the lap of the young service station attendant she was blowing. "I much prefer this scenic root." The cop, responding to a call of domestic violence, said to Mrs Smith, "Why did you throw the iron at your husband?" "Because he called me a nymphomaniac!" "Is that," asked the officer, "a good reason to hit him?" "Sure was," she answered. "He called me that right in front of the mailman, the milkman, the plumber, and the cable guy." A nurse showed a hot guy into a private room at the sperm bank. Two minutes later she joined him in the room, and he asked her, "What are you doing in here?" "I just wondered if you need a hand." Q: What defines the difference between a wife and a mistress? A: A wife dresses to please her man; a mistress undresses to please him. Q: How are all those 900 phone sex numbers examples of delayed gratification? A: Until you see the phone bill, you don't know how you have been fucked. Q: Why do niggers like basketball so much? A: It involves running, shooting, and stealing. Q: What word starts with "N" and ends with "R" that you never want to call a black person? A: Neighbor. In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three." "Test of Three?" "That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Are you absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife. Church service was in full swing.... Pews were packed. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep, " was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 49 years. " A man is in a line at McDonalds and sees this busty blonde staring at him. He can't believe she is staring at him. Then she starts waving. "Excuse me, do I know you?" he asks. "Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids," she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Fucking hell! Are you the chick I fucked at my bachelor party while your girlfriend whipped me and chick stuck a brush up my ass?" "No!" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!" A black guy takes a hot chick home from a bar. She says, "Show me it's true, what they say about black men!" So he shot her and stole her purse. I sas so depressed last night that I phoned the Samaritans. Got through to a call center in Pakistan. Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...... Women, eh! Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it up the ass because it "hurts." A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some fortified wine with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. Q: Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in Red China? A: Everybody won. "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "I certainly hope that's the case. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing, sex, and golf." Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started slowly to clap his hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.' From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet 'Well, fuckin' stop doin'it then, ya evil bastard!' Q: What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law? A: About 2.3 pounds including the urn. Q: What did the lesbian tell the gynecologist who ha remarked about how clean her vagina was? A: It should be clean. I have a woman in three times a week. I've got a teddy bear called Mohammed for sale. You can have it for what I paid for it - I'm not looking to make a prophet out of it. Morning after Christmas, two brothers are in front of the tree. "So what did you get?" Says the first. "I got a PSP, a bike, four model cars, ten action figures, the new playstation 3, 10 games for it, and loads of cool t-shirts and clothes. You?" "I got a pair of socks and a Spiderman toy." "Is that it?" "Well yeah, but then I don't have leukemia." A man went in for a routine vasectomy, but when he awoke from surgery his doctor told him, "I have some really bad news. I slipped horribly while operating on you. The damage was permanent, so I just went ahead and gave you a complete sex change operation. You now have a vagina." "Holy shit!" the patient lamented. "You mean I'll never experience another erection as long as I live?" "No. You'll experience plenty of erections, it's just that they will be someone else's." When a young man learned that his very rich father was on his deathbed, he hurried down to a local singles bar, walked up to the hottest chick in the place, and said, "I may look like a plain guy to you, but my father is going to be dead in less than a month and I am going to inherit $50 million." The babe was sufficiently impressed, and went home with him that night. Three days later she became his stepmother. A man attending a convention went into a singles bar, went up to two ladies and offered each of them $200 to sleep with him. One left the bar in a huff, but the other remained cool, calm, and collected. Q: What has four legs and a black arm? A: A happy pitbull. Q: Hear about the new bumper sticker that says "Run, Barack, Run"? A: You put it on the front of your car. Q: How do you get 12 niggers into a Volkswagen? A: Throw in a welfare check. Q: How do you get them back out? A: Throw in a job application. Public service announcement from New Orleans:“Chief Warren Riley of the New Orleans Police Department, announced this morning that all German shepherd police dogs will be replaced by Coon dogs, due to the fact the city is not having any problems with Germans.” A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." How the PC Nazis would have you refer to chicks: 1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN." 2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE." 3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY." 4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION." 5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE." 6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER." A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel." Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $5000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents!" Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old." Well... you'll love this one. I was sitting in the waiting room (with three other guys), for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed her DDS diploma, which bore her full name. Suddenly, I remembered a beautiful, sexy, blonde chick with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could she be the same broad that I had the hots for, way back then? Upon seeing her, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This fat, gray-haired woman with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After she examined my teeth, I asked her if she had attended Morgan Park high school "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," she gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. She answered, "In 1975. why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed. She looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit whore asked, "What did you teach?" Q: What do you get when you cross a Jew and a gypsy? A: A chain of empty retail stores. Q: What's faster than a penny rolling down a hill? A: The Jew chasing it! John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was Old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a Democrat in the making: Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? Later, the farmer changed the name of Old Butch to Albert Gore, Jr. Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me!" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of our Country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about. Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters [remember this name] and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth. Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites. Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on. Another hour later, one of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house. What they didn't know, was that this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came. General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, "Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort." Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?" Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters." And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me!" Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A golden retriever. A woman went into a bar in LA and saw a body builder with his feet propped up on a table. He was wearing the biggest boots she'd ever seen in her life. She asked him if were true what they say about men with big feet. The body builder grinned and said, "That's right, chicquita. Why don't you let me prove it to you?" The woman decided she would finally verify it for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him $100. Surprised, he said, "Well, thanks, darlin'. I'm real flattered. Nobody ever paid me for my services before." "Don't be flattered. Take that money and buy some boots that fit." A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "one." The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65." The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?" The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, in that case your whole weekend's shot anyway. You should go fishing." A young technician and his general manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks". Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his general manager all at the same time!" An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. q"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked, "Was that one word or two?" Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the guy, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'." "That's right," replies the guy, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off." ALZHEIMER'S OR PARKINSONS...Which one would you rather have? PARKINSONS of course! Better to spill half your drink than forget where the hell you put the whole thing! Drinking non -alcoholic beer is like licking your sister's pussy...It tastes the same - but somehow it's not right. Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, almost exactly 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S . Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born: LiberAl Gore, Jr. Hitlery Rotten Hanoi John Kerry Slick Willie Clinton Howard Deaniac Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstain Charles E. Schumer Barbara Boxer See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me! At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year-old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year-old groom, ready for action. They fuck furiously. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more vigorous sex. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year-old, ready for more action. And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages. Q: What is the difference between golf and sex? A :In sex, when you get near the hole, the more strokes the better. Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his pee-pee today!" Before the mother could register her concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut" Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mother asked, "Why? Really small was it?" Sally replied, "No...salty!" One Christmas Eve, the husband decided to surprise his family by dressing up as Santa Claus and sliding down the chimney. When midnight rolled around and he arrived at the sooty bottom of the chimney, the only family member present in the living room was his wife. He felt horny from the exertion and without even taking off his disguise, began pumping away furiously on his wife. Just then the children sneaked down to witness the special night's events. "Shit!" said the oldest. "As if the mailman, milkman, insurance man, and all the Jehovah's Witnesses weren't enough, now she's fucking Santa Claus, too!" Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? A: They don't have enough time. Q: WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? A: They don't stop to ask directions, just like their distributor. Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? A: Because their balls fall over their assholes, causing them to vapor lock. THE REAL MAN TEST 1. If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Nancy-pants. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay--it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag. 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases. 5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as queer as a $3 bill. A straight man will never be heard ordering a Decaf Soy Latte. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too. 6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious. 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer. 8 . If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a fudgepacker. The blonde 10 bride told her friend on the phone, "I think I made a mistake marrying Pete. I think he lacks self confidence." "What makes you say that?" her friend asked. "Because last night during the thunderstorm, every time there was lightening strike he'd shout out, "I'll buy the negatives!" The ninety year old tycoon and his twenty year old bride were climbing the stairs to their hotel bridal suite when he had a heart attack. The newlywed called for help on her cellphone. When the ambulance arrived, the paramedics were unable fully to resuscitate him, so one of the ambulance drivers told her, "It would be really helpful if you offered him some encouraging words right now." "OK. Dear, I hope this makes you recover more quickly...I am so mega horny right now that I am going to fuck this cute ambulance driver until you get out of the hospital." A newlywed couple go into a drug store and the husband says loudly, "Give me a gross of condoms!" The druggist slowly responded, "Well, sir, there are dozens of kinds of condoms, which kind would you like?" "Large and rugged! The kind that reflect the way I fuck!" "Forget the 'large and rugged,' if you're going for a style statement," she countered. "Better buy some with racing stripes." A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband . On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men are rich and powerful. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men are rich, powerful, and want children. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men are rich, powerful, want children, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men are rich, powerful, want children, are drop-dead good looking, and have really big dicks. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men are rich, powerful, want children, are drop-dead gorgeous, have really big dicks, and can make passionate love all night long. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building. Q: What is the most ominous thing a bride can say on her wedding night? A: I sure am glad I didn't throw away my vibrator! The wife was on the phone with a friend of hers when her husband began pawing at her. She swatted him away a couple of times, but he became more persistent. Finally she interrupted her conversation and said, "I'm sorry Jill, but Harry wants a little piece." Jill said, "That's OK, we can finish our conversation tomorrow morning." "No way!" came the answer. "I'll be calling you back in exactly two minutes." ACTUAL COURT PROCEEDINGS: ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh... I was gettin' laid! ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. The Polack left his drinking buddy at the bar and headed home early, explaining he had to get up early the next day. The buddy was surprised to see the Polack come back in just fifteen minutes, order another drink and sit down next to him. "What's up?" the buddy asked. "When I got home early I found my wife in bed fucking another guy," the Polack explained. "Aren't you furious?" the friend asked. "No, there's no problem. She promised she'd change the sheets afterwards." One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why did you stop?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote." A guy shouted to his girlfriend, "Come here and look at my clock!" She walks in and finds him naked with a hard-on, and says, "That's not a clock." "It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!" Zebu is a five year old African boy, with one arm and one leg. Every day he has to cycle twenty five miles to school and back on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. For a small donation of just $20, we will send you the video... Its fucking hilarious! The football referee was banging away on a hooker doggy style, then suddenly blew loudly on the whistle hanging around his neck. "Did I do something wrong?" asked the prostitute? "Nope," he replied. "That's just my two minute warning." ALLEGEDLY TRUE HALLOWEEN STORY In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:58 p.m. On Friday night. On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with Lewd and Lascivious Behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop,. "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated in a telephone interview. "Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.'" "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin. I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'" "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit! Is it midnight already?'" The couple had another violent argument before going to bed. The next morning, they sat in utter silence until the husband spoke. "I don't want to complain this morning, but I think the coffee tastes a little bitter." "You're right, it is bitter," she answered. "But what do you expect arsenic to be, sweet?" A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note which says: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part. Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. Now the man is really upset since they've gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes another nasty letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on the crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple! Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co. One Saturday night the stork was late coming home for dinner. His wife asked, "Were you late because you were delivering extra babies?" "Naw, I was just out scaring college kids." The guy takes a girl back to his apartment, takes off all of his clothes, and says, "I want you to meet my little friend!" She takes one glance, picks up her coat and, as she heads for the door, says, "Call me when he grows up." Q: What is the best way to piss off a hooker? A: Ask her if you can use her John. The minister of a fundamentalist church stopped a young woman with a huge rack displayed prominently by the plunging neckline of her dress and said, "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I can't let you go in dressed like that." "But...but I have a divine right!" she said. "You've got swell left, too. But that dress is inappropriate for church." DEAR MADAM: THANK YOU FOR YOUR RECENT ORDER FROM OUR SEX TOYS WEBSITE. YOU'VE REQUESTED THE LARGE RED VIBRATOR AS FEATURED ON OUR WALL DISPLAY. PLEASE SELECT ANOTHER ITEM. THAT'S OUR FIRE EXTINGUISHER. This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!" Q: Why would a blonde buy a convertible? A: More legroom. Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Smacks of indecision to me. FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN; FRIENDSHIP AMONG MEN Friendship between women: A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there. Q: Did you hear about the new supersensitive condoms? A: After you have sex and leave, they stick around and talk with your date. Once upon a time there lived a king, and the king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt No matter what. Metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were understandably afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan to implement this suggestion. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The first prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red She felt something hard., which she held in her hand. And it did not melt! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the prince's pants? M&M's of course - They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking? Q: What's the difference between an in-law and an outlaw? A: Outlaws are wanted. There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device .. a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real dick. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard!" She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids." A highschool girl was talking with a friend and trying to figure out why she was so popular with all the boys at school. "Do you think it might be my body?" she asked. "No," her friend answered. "My face?" "Nope," her girlfriend responded. "My personality?" "No way." "It's too hard. I give up." "That's the reason." Daffynition - Virgin: a girl who doesn't give a fuck. Q: Where do they post pictures of missing partial transsexuals? A: On cartons of half-and-half. After examining a woman, the doctor told her husband, "I don't like the way your wife looks." "Neither do I, but she's a good cook and gives great head." A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll. Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?" Customer says, "Female." Counter guy asks, "Black or white?" Customer says, "White." Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim? Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?" Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows herself up!" Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?' " Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.' They are very much like the French." The interview ended at that point. One guy asked his friend, "How did your date go last night?" "I'm sorry to say, I don't think she was overly impressed with the size of my dick." "What makes you say that?" "Because the whole time she was singing, 'M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U..." After his climax, the guy rolled off the girl and asked, "What did you think?" "I think you were completely wrong about my having a sense of humor." "How so?" he asked. "Because now you know that I can take a joke." A guy met a girl in a bar and said, "Before we go any further, I need to know what your father does for a living." "What difference does that make?" "Well," he answered, "I once dated an undertaker's daughter, and all she wanted to do was play dead. I dated an astronaut's daughter, and all she wanted to do was moon people. Then I dated a ventriloquist's daughter, and she always treated me like a dummy." "Today is your lucky day," she responded. "My father is a caterer. And I'm the best spread in town." When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was thousands of miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. To the line of dominated men God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the Head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one had the balls to obey. Learn from him." God turned to that one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" "My wife told me to stand here." A very loud, ugly, hard-faced broad walks into a fine restaurant with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to to our establishment. Charming children you've got there. Are they twins?" The hideous bitch stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they fucking aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, shithead?" "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!" This guy goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a lady sitting by herself. Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you. Alcohol has a bad side-effect on for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they spread." WIFE: "What would you do if I die? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (makes audible groan). WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - -silence - - HUSBAND: "Shit." A man is lying in bed in the ICU with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young blonde student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young girl replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet." He struggles again to ask,"Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says,"They look very good to me," after giving then her expert blonde scrutiny. Finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That as very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?" Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give much much more to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!" A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in he size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?" The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?" The lady looked closely at her and replied, "I don't know, have you tried Clearasil?" A secretary came to work late for the third day in row. Her boss called her into his office and said, "I know we had extreme sex, repeatedly, right here on my desk, but that is all over now. I expect you to come to work precisely on time just as all my other employees. Who told you you could come to work just whenever you felt like it, hmmm?" "My lawyer," she smiled. The horny young lady was frustrated with her naive date, so she tried a new tack with the lad. "Let's play Pirates of the Carribbean." "OK," he answered. She reached over, unzipped his fly, and whipped out his cock. "Now," she said, explaining the rules, "Pretend that is your treasure." "OK. What should I do with it?" "Hide it in my box." "Glad to see you again, Mr Smith!" the travel agent exclaimed to the man entering his office. "Back for your annual 3 month vacation?" "I need your help," Mr Smith stated. "You see, two years ago you booked me for 3 months in Bermuda, during which time my wife got pregnant. Last year, you booked me for 3 months in Paris, during which time my wife got pregnant." "I understand your problem, but what can I do to help?" the travel agent asked. "This year I want you to book my 3 months somewhere more economical so this time I can afford to take my wife with me." Re: the recent tazing event of the student, a retired black cop said, "Everyone at a Kerry event should be tazed just for showing up." A blind man was describing his favorite sport - skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him. "I am placed in the door and told when to jump," he said. "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh, my dog's leash goes slack." A frat house threw a coed sleepover party. The girls all showed up in transparent negligees and the boys all came in their pajamas. A college student who was staying with his parents for the summer nervously walked into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Have you seen a bottle of pills that's labeled 'Ecstasy' on the cap?" "Fuck the pills!" his mother replied. "Have you seen that dragon on our ceiling?" After repeatedly fending off the sexual advances of her date, the pretty coed put her foot down. "See here!" she shouted, "this is positively the last time I am going to tell you 'no'!" "Great!" her date replied. "Now we can commence the fun!" The college professor was bemoaning his girls' class low test results on their male anatomy exam. "I don't comprehend why you girls can't understand the male sex organ. You've had it pounded into you all semester." A fratboy walks into a bar and says, "A glass of your finest Less, please." "I've never heard of 'Less'," answered the bartender, "What is that, some kind of foreign beer?" "I'm not sure," he replied. "My doctor told me about it. He said I should drink Less." A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and then give the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze another drop of juice out would win the money. Many people tried but nobody could do it. One day a scrawny, little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. He said in a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man who clenched it in his small fist. Soon the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as six drops of juice fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living?" The little man replied with a winning smile, "I'm more used to blood from turnips, but it's the same principle - I work for the IRS!" GUY: Baby, since I first saw you our freshman year, all I've wanted to do is make love to really badly. GIRL: Well, last night you succeeded. Q: What is a birth control pill? A: The OTHER thing a coed can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant. A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was. Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!" "Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?" "Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco." "Crisco!" Bob exclaimed. "Holy Shit, Jim! Everyone knows that Crisco is shortening!" Q: What's brown and soft and sits on a piano stool? A: Beethoven's last movement. Harold, age 95, lived in a nursing home. Every night after dinner, he went to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, also wandered into the garden. The two began to chat, and before they knew it, several hours had passed. After a short lull in the conversation, Harold turned to Mildred and asked, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Curious, Mildred asked, "What?" "Sex," he sighed. Mildred grinned. "Why, you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head." "I know." Harold sighed again. "But it would be awfully nice if a woman could just hold it for a while." "Well, I can do that," said Mildred, who unzipped his trousers, removed his manhood, and proceeded to hold it. Afterward, they agreed to meet secretly each night in the garden, where they would sit and talk, and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. This went on for several weeks. Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure that he was okay. She walked slowly around the senior citizen home until she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was proudly holding Harold's manhood. Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Harold smiled happily. "Parkinson's." Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida to attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school. Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00". "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma. This morning, I was in a huge hurry and on my way to work. I was preoccupied with what my day held and I rear-ended a car at a stop light because I was not really paying attention. I had hot coffee in my lap and I was running late. "Great, just great," I muttered. The driver opened his door...leaned out of his car and stared at me. He was a dwarf. He got out, studied the damage on his bumper, and walked towards me as rolled down my window. He said, "I'm not happy..." To which I replied, "Well, which one are you then?" Q: What's more fun than spinning an Islamofascist around on a clothesline at 100mph? A: Stopping the diaperhead with an axe. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you. Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask directly about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000." "Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was as big a Packers fan as I am." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral." March 6,1836 On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from his bunk up to the observation post which was on the west wall of the Alamo. Col. William B.Travis and Jim Bowie were already up there. As the three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them, Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and asked, "Jim...are we landscaping today?" A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. Feeding her, bathing her, even wiping her ass. And you'll be her care giver forever!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just fuckin' with ya. She's dead. What'd you catch?"