The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are each trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is crying, "Okay, okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit." WHY SANTA IS A WOMAN -- NOT To begin with, sure, many men do wait till the last minute to do their shopping. It's traditional. They've come to depend on Santa for a lot of their advance work, you remember the Furbys or other trendy "gifts of the year" for family far away. And Santa has come to depend on a lot of help too. The elves, of course, but don't forget about Mrs. Claus. She has been overlooked for years, and is surely a part of pulling off the "big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social" yearly celebration. Regarding the reindeer, well, Santa has to be a guy. If not, the sleigh would be so full of reindeer treats for each of the cute little dears at each stop that, well, the trip would never get done. Besides, she would have so busy baking the treats that the toys would never get wrapped. And stopping to check out the chimneys? How about actually going down the chimneys? "There's soot in there. They might have a dog. My nails." Please ... And for the other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: > * Men can't pack a bag. Granted, but a woman packing for a round the world trip stopping everywhere, and having HER bags fit into one sleigh just might not happen. > * Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. And she wouldn't mind being seen in the same outfit, year after year? > * Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves. Why else would a man coach Pop Warner football or soccer for 6 year-olds? The elves are cool. > * Men don't answer their mail. When did you get your last letter FROM Santa? On this item alone, case closed. > * Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Nothing gender specific here. > * Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Christmas stockings are a great place to hide little things that don't have to be formally organized and presented under the tree. It's an Organization skill you'll find in any guy's garage - "I think it's in this box under here ..." Besides, if you've been bad you'll get a lump of coal in there - absolutely guaranteed to be untouched by feminine hands. > * Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. Au contraire. It's got to be the best pickup line ever. > * Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. Ah. but what is the commitment? What better deal? Get all this done in one night big guy, and you won't be bothered by anything when all of those football games are on for the next month. Who do you think made up the bowl game schedule anyway? So Santa is a guy among guys. With a big thank you to Mrs. Claus and the elves, he gets it done every time. And I'm sure she tries to get him into a new outfit every once in a while. But it's his favorite, and you know how that goes. THE WOMAN'S LIFETIME WISH LIST What I want in a man, original list (age 22): 1. Handsome 2. Charming 3. Financially successful 4. A caring listener 5. Witty 6. In good shape 7. Dresses with style 8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises 10. An imaginative, romantic lover What I want in a man, revised list (age 32): 1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head) 2. Opens car doors, holds chairs 3. Has enough money for a nice dinner 4. Listens more than talks 5. Laughs at my jokes 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease 7. Owns at least one tie 8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal 9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries 10. Seeks romance at least once a week What I want in a man, revised list (age 42): 1. Not too ugly (bald head okay) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car 3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally 4. Nods head when I'm talking 5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes 6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture 7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach 8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids 9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down 10. Shaves most weekends What I want in a man, revised list (age 52): 1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed 2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public 3. Doesn't borrow money too often 4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting 5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times 6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends 7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear 8. Appreciates a good TV dinner 9. Remembers your name on occasion 10. Shaves some weekends What I want in a man, revised list (age 62): 1. Doesn't scare small children 2. Remembers where bathroom is 3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep 4. Only snores lightly when asleep 5. Remembers why he's laughing 6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself 7. Usually wears some clothes 8. Likes soft foods 9. Remembers where he left his teeth 10. Remembers that it's the weekend What I want in a man, revised list (age 72): 1. Breathing 2. Doesn't miss the toilet The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me --faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce! And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened." "Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same." The husband took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?" WHAT A WOMAN THINKS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 PM on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision- making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless some broad is wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men: - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith in Christ, and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy! A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful! Soft drinks erode your stomach lining! Chinese food is loaded with MSG! Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water! But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!" Q: Why are women like pianos? A: If they're not upright, they're grand. Q: What has two legs and eats ants? A: Uncles. If watermelons are full of water, what are kumquats full of? Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years, and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today, and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair style, cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand new silk negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, then went straight to sleep after watching all your sports shows. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want to have sex anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore. Whatever the case is, I am gone. Your EX - Wife P.S. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together. Have a great life! Dear Ex-Wife: Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It is true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good wife is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much because they drown out your constant whining and nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you got your hair permed last week. The first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a man!", but my mother raised me not to say anything, if you can't say anything nice. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my BROTHER, because I stopped eating vegetarian seventeen years ago. I turned away from you when you had that silk negligee on because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was just a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your new negligee cost $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lottery for Ten Million Dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that with your letter you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Rich and Free! P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born CARLA. I hope that's not a problem. Change is good. Dear Abby, I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits. Signed, Rose Dear Rose, So would I. Dear Abby, Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early? Signed, Wondering. Dear Wondering. The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it. Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. Do you think he's crazy? Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober. Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much on me I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his. One guy was bragging to his friend about the hot chick he met at a party the night before and how he knew she was going to be a great lay. "How could you tell ahead of time?" the second guy asked. "Astrology." "Astrology!" the second guy exclaimed. "Explain." "Well, they were going around the room asking all the chicks what their 'sign' was. One said 'Pisces,' one said 'Libra,' and when they got to my target she said, 'Slippery When Wet'." A girl was feeling sick every morning so she went to her doctor for a pregnancy test. "The rabbit died. I have some good news and some bad news for you." "What could possibly be good news?" she asked. "The good news is you're not pregnant." "Great! Then what's the bad news?" "The rabbit died of AIDS." Q: What did the midget say to the gorgeous 6'6" blonde hooker? A: Take me to your ladder. A man ran into his doctor's office screaming and holding his genitals. "What's wrong?" the doctor asked his patient. "I went over to this old maid's house to repair her TV set. She was extremely horny and was all over me in an instant. I gave in and we wound up in her bed." "That doesn't sound painful to me," observed the doctor. "It felt good until I slowed down during the third round and she forgot who she was with and tried to change my batteries." Q: How is a man like a fine oil painting? A: Because they both look best when they're well hung. A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing: "We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!" Q: What is the difference between a pimp and a stockbroker? A: The pimp sells mutual fun. Q: What is true both in baseball and sex? A: Nice guys finish last. Q: What's an ideal secretary? A: One who can take shorthand...and give it. Aliens are abducting men with big dicks - you other guys are safe. I'm just posting this to say goodbye. "Good morning! How may I help you say it with flowers?" the florist cheerfully asked as he answered his phone. "Well, since you put it that way, " the male caller answered, "I want you to send my secretary a cactus." "What on earth does a cactus 'say' to your secretary?" the florist queried. "It says I want her to feel a prick." Q: Did you hear about the hooker who spent 6 months in London and 6 months in Paris. A: She was known as the Tail of Two Cities. Q: Did you hear about the lawyer who met the stunningly beautiful young widow? A: He began working day and night to break her will. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving." One day, Joe Dokes came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing. Q: Did you hear about the horny baseball coach who was going crazy coaching the girls' team? A: He couldn't decide between working on the pitcher's mound or the batter's box. Q: What is the Golden Rule of prostitution? A: The customer always comes first. A housewife answered her doorbell to find a policeman standing on her front porch. "Is your husband home, Ma'am?" "No. Is he in trouble again?" "A woman down the street got raped three times last night and her description of the suspect matches your husband." "Well," said the woman, "I can guarantee you it wasn't my husband who did it." "You mean he wouldn't commit rape?" "Of course that son-of-a-bitch would. The disqualifier was when you said, 'three times.'" Two guys were discussing the love life of one, who told of being so horny after being turned down by half a dozen chicks in the bar that, after downing six more drinks hit on the last one left, who was hideous. "Boy, was my luck terrible. All I could persuade her to do was go outside with me and give me a handjob." "What's so terrible about that?" the second dude asked. "When we got outside, I observed, for the first time, that she didn't have any hands." "Wow! That really is bad luck." said the second guy, "So, what happened?" "I was stumped." A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, "I do not have a headache." "I do not have a headache." "I do not have a headache." "Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone." "Well, that is wonderful" proclaims the husband. His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "WOW! - that was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning "OH MY GOD" she proclaims. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying .... "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife." "She's not my wife." His funeral service will be held on Saturday. Daffynition - Artificial insemination: a technical knock-up. Q: Did you hear about the new cemetery just for avid golfers? A: It's called, "Your 19th Hole." Q: How can you tell if your little boy is going to grow up a fag? A: You find him in the mall restroom giving old Santa a blowjob. A husband came home with a half gallon of ice cream for his wife. "How hard is it?" she asked. "As hard as my dick," he leered. "Fine. Then pour me some." Q: Why shouldn't you ever fuck a train engineer? A: He always pulls out just as you're coming. Judy, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judy. "He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when it crashed down and cut off a finger!" "My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it cut off his WHOLE finger!?" "No, thank goodness," sniffs Judy. "But it was the one just next to it!" The grade school teacher asked a math question of little Rotten Billie, "If your father earned $1000 and gave half of it to your mother, what would she have?" "A heart attack," he answered. An Arkansan died and left his entire estate to his wife. Unfortunately, she can't claim it until she turns 14. A young wife was dismayed at her husband's lack of interest in sex, so decided to spice things up in an attempt to jumpstart their pleasure. She greeted him at the front door wearing only a pair of crotchless panties, "Want some of this?" and smiled. "Fuck, no! Just look what it did to your underwear!" Two businessmen were discussing their boss's obvious involvement with the new buxom blonde secretary. "I don't get it," the first said. "She's an airhead. Has nothing going on upstairs." The second answered, "I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on." Q: Did you hear about the new use for sheep they found in Scotland? A: Wool. "What is your excuse for coming home at this late time of night?" the blonde asked her husband. "Dear," he answered, "I was golfing with friends." "Huh?" she queried. "Until two in the morning?" "Yes. We used night clubs." Daffynition: Mourner - a "nooner," only sooner. A 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of lollypops if you get in the car," said the male driver. "No way, get stuffed," replied the boy. "How about a bag of lollypops and $10?" asked the driver. "I said no way," replied the irritated youngster. "What about a bag of lollypops and FIFTY dollars, eh?" quizzed the driver, still driving slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'm not getting in the fuckin car!" answered the boy. "OK, I know - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollypops," the driver offered. "NO!" screamed the boy. "What will it take to get you into the car?" asked the driver with a long sigh. The boy replied, "Listen Dad, you bought the Subaru, you live with it." Q: Why do Italians grow moustaches? A: Because it reminds them of their mothers. Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, but they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. A young hillbilly farmer with his very young and beautiful wife enter the doctor's office and sit down in front of his desk. They are a bit ‘up-tight’ so the doctor talks to them for a little while about the weather, farming etc. etc. to get them to relax. Then he asks them what the problem might be that they have come to see him about. The farmer explains that being as they are both hillbillies, do not read books or watch television, and have little contact with other people, neither of them knows anything about making love. The doctor begins to explain the subject to them both, all the time he’s scoping out the adorable creature sitting opposite him. It doesn’t take long before he realizes that they are still ignorant while he himself is getting aroused. They simply don’t understand a word of what he’s telling them. Patiently, he tries again with the aid of some sketches and lots of body language. The result of which is two still ignorant hillbillies while he is sporting a giant woody. This time he persuades the woman to lie on the couch and, with the young farmer watching, removes her underwear and starts to demonstrate foreplay. Caressing her body and fingering her, it’s just too much for him. A very beautiful young woman, semi-naked before him. An incredible aching giant woody. He drops his pants, climbs up onto her and both of them are soon fucking like crazy. Thirty minutes later he gets off and, embarrassed, pulls his pants back on. He’s just about to apologize to the young farmer when the farmer asks, “How often do we hafta do that?” Quickly the doctor replies, “Don’t you worry about it. Just bring her in three times a week and I’ll take care of it.” Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!! "Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The bartender noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued thusly, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, and all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub." A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to an attractive young rehead in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you 're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." During World War II, an American merchant ship was being attacked by a German submarine. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told his black navigator quickly to go down to the crew's quarters and tell a joke -- at least the crew would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?" The crew burst out laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and slammed it on the table. Just when his dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him what he had done and how he slammed his dick on the table. The captain replied, "Well, in the future you better be careful with that dick of yours, because the torpedo missed!” Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for female flies. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of horse manure and dives down toward her. "Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm, "but, is this stool taken?” He said . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? A man walks through the hospital reception very carefully with his knees close together as two young doctors are watching. One doctor says to the other. "I bet you ten bucks he's got a slipped disc." The second doctor thinks a moment, then says, "You're on, I bet he's got hemorrhoids." They approach the man and explain the bet and their relative positions to him. So the man says to the first doctor, "You thought I had a slipped disc.” And the first doctor nods. The man says, “Well, you were wrong." To the second doctor, "You thought I had hemorrhoids,” and the second doctor nods. The man says, “And you were wrong." Then he mutters, "And I thought I was gonna break wind. And I was wrong." There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. Dead. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit. SEX-RELATED DEFINITIONS: 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female..... Any part under a car's hood. Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play, or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male..... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. The priest of a small Irish village had ten chickens and one cock-rooster, which he kept in a hen house behind the parish manse. One night, he noticed that his rooster was missing so he decided to say something about it in the village church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Who amongst you has a cock?" All the men stood up. "No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up. "No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up. "No, no," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up. A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you eat on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a hunter who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. An Australian sheep farmer is taking his driving test when the examiner asks him, “Can you make a U-Turn ?” “Can I make a ewe turn!” says the farmer. “I can make her bloody eyes water.” A Marine is on a street corner in Basra, leaning against a wall and picking his fingernails with his bayonet. Suddenly, an Arab terrorist runs around the corner, straight onto the end of the bayonet. 15 times. Q: What do you call a Montanan with a herd of sheep? A1:. A bigamist. A2: A pimp. A3: A sex maniac. Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is actually dead? A: Hold a $1000 bill in front of his face and wave it around. (But don't be deceived: a slight, residual, spasmodic clutching action may be observed several hours after death has occurred.) Q: What has four arms and four legs and never works out? A: Marriage. Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total: $21.00 ========================================================== Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00. 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy. 36) Beer 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to o stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump into engine five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. 49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard Money spent: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $175.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total: $4,165.00 But you know the job was done right! An alert police officer stopped by a used car lot one night when he noticed two hot young blondes leaning against one of the cars. "You chicks aren't trying to steal this car, are you?" he asked. "Of course not! We bought it, but we can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?" the officer asked in genuine curiosity. "We heard that if you bought a car at this lot, you'd get screwed. So we did, and we're just waiting." [A REAL policeman would then have offered to Serve the Public at this point, but that is not part of the joke.] A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so she wrote another note the next week: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!" Q: What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a goat? A: A goat doesn't get let out when it squeals. Q: Which one would you rather have, Alzheimer's or Parkinson's? A: Parkinson's, of course! Better to spill half your drink than forget where the hell you put it. A guy is trying to hook up with a woman in a bar. After quite a few drinks and his standard pickup lines, she admits to him that she can't do anything because she is having her period. At that point, the guy is so drunk and desperate that he doesn't care and takes her home anyway. In the morning he wakes up alone in bed and tries to recall the events of the last night. All he can remember that he brought a woman into his house and now she is gone. He looks around to find his bed covered with blood. I KILLED HER! The man looks at his hands covered with blood THAT'S RIGHT - I KILLED HER! Devastated, he gets up and goes into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror: AND THEN I ATE HER! John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters' legs. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak so that it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, fuck it, then walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. THE RESULT: The judges not only awarded Butch the NoBell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the PulletSurprise as well. Clearly Butch was a Democrat politician in the making: Who else but a Democrat could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention? "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" the man told his wife. "Oh," she smiled wryly. "I'll miss you." (Husband to wife) Would you like a quickie? (Wife to husband) As compared with what? Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and vagina called a waist? A: Because you could put another pair of breasts there. A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. A guy came in to work on Monday sporting two black eyes. "Where did you get those shiners?" a coworker asked. "From my wife," he answered. "Whoa...I thought she was out of town for the weekend." "So did I." While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. Q: What’s the difference between making love with an Englishwoman and a corpse? A: Oh, come on you guys! Somebody must know! Q: How is being in the military like getting a blowjob? A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasa nt. He thinks........this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. ... In one second the sharp lime taste hits...... At two seconds the Baileys curdles .... At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. ....At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?" She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge." Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline. Q: Did you hear about the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife? A: He fired them all. A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does." Q: What’s the difference between a dead lawyer in the road and a dead rat? A: The rat could have been out visiting friends. Two former college roommates were drinking in a bar when one said, "How's your sex life?" "Women are just sex objects," the second answered morosely. "That's bad?" the first responded. "Yeah. Every time I ask for sex, they object." GOOD NEWS / BAD NEWS The good news: Your wife greets you at the front door wearing sexy lingerie. The bad news: She's just coming home. A husband heard a blood-curdling scream come from his bedroom and ran in to see a naked man leap out the window as his wife screamed, "That guy just screwed me twice!" "Why didn't you call for me when he screwed you the first time?" he demanded. "Because," she pouted, "Until he started the second time, I thought it was you." A cop pulled a driver over for weaving erratically in traffic, walked up to his car, and said, "You drinkin'?" "That depends," said the drunk. "You buyin'?" A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper. Q: How do Democrats differ in their opinions of Osama bin Laden and George Bush? A: They like Osama bin Laden. Q: What is the definition of an gentleman? A: A guy who has the opportunity to stick it up your ass, but doesn’t. Q: What’s the difference between God and an Frenchman? A: God knows that He’s not an Frenchman. Daffynition - Nocturnal Emission: a snoregasm Subject: TAXI DRIVER A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the taxi driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years." Q: What’s the difference between a woman driver and a SCUD missile? A: A woman driver can kill you. Given: A woman has been married for 3 years 9 months and 22 days. Each day her inclination to have sex decreases by the equation; (days married) X 0.3227, assuming she has grown a moustache, not shaved her legs or arm-pits for 3 years 4 months and 2 days. Question: How long will it be before she has completely forgotten how to give a blowjob? Q: What's the difference between an urban serial killer and a suburban serial killer? A: An urban serial killer cuts up his dead victims and puts the pieces in garbage bags; a suburban serial killer cuts up his dead victims and puts the pieces in Tupperware. Q: How many Congressmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 1 Representative, 20 Senators. The Representative holds the light bulb in place and the Senators drink whiskey until the room spins. Q: A Frenchman and an Al-Quaida terrorist are standing in the road together. Which one do you run over first? A: The terrorist because it’s always, business before pleasure. Q: What's the downside for a guy who is a necrophiliac? A: When he has trouble getting it up, his date will never lift so much as a finger to help. A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a bum. The Republican gave the bum his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the bum. The Democrat was very impressed, so when they came to another bum, he decided to help. He walked over to the bum and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out $20. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the bum $5. Now do you understand the difference? It begins when you sink into his arms. And ends with your arms in his sink. Women's Libbers should all be put behind bras. A young man walked into a urologist's office without an appointment. The hot nurse said, "May I help you?" "I need to see the doctor," he answered. "What's the problem?" she inquired. "It's rather embarrassing...I have a gigantic and almost constant hard-on." "The doctor is busy today, but perhaps I could squeeze you in," she smiled. If little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, why do they taste like anchovies? Oral sex is a matter of taste. Cunnilingus is a real tongue-twister. My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips. But now it's all over. If 100 blonde girls were laid end to end -- I wouldn't be at all surprised. The biggest drawback in the world – an elephant's foreskin. Q: A toaster, a dish washer, a washing machine, and a women. Which is the odd one out? A: The toaster because the other three drip when they are fucked. Men only put women on pedestals so they can look up their skirts. Some girls shrink from sex. Others get bigger and bigger... Please do not touch me. Please do not touch... Please do not... Please do... Please... Ohhh! But for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all. In recent tests, 138% of math teachers scored below average. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Q: What's DNA stand for? A: National Dyslexics Association. ANOTHER GRAFFITO: I like sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality. - am I flogging a dead horse? ANOTHER GRAFFITO: I've just lost my virginity. – let me help you look for it. Q: What do a rattlesnake and a limp penis have in common? A: You never fuck with either one. Q: What do you call a guy with no arms no legs under your car? A: Jack. In a recent survey, 10% of men said they preferred women with fat legs, 10% preferred women with thin legs, and the other 80% said they preferred something in-between. I've got a 12-inch dick, but I don't use it as a rule. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% mortality rate. OTHER DEFACED SIGNS AND POSTERS: (Airline poster) Breakfast in London. Lunch in New York. – luggage in Bermuda. (Roadside sign) Soft Shoulders. – warm thighs. The Magna Carta was signed 1215 near this spot. --Damn, it’s12:30. We just missed it. Free Access through field to footpath. – However, the bull charges. A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back,,, all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy. About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex in a vehicle?" The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring... You've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen." DEFACED CHURCH SIGNS: The First Three Minutes of Life Can be the Most Dangerous. – the last three are pretty dodgy, too. HANDEL'S ORGAN WORKS. – so does mine. Do you have a Drink Problem? – yes, I can't afford it. Are You Tired of Sin, and Longing for a Rest? – if not, phone (415) 867-5309 Reading maketh a full man; Conference a ready man; And writing an exact man - Bacon – a fat man. MAKE LOVE NOT WAR! - see your Catholic priest for details. In the beginning was the word. - and the word was Aardvark. Q: What can a girl say to her boyfriend that will make him simultaneously happy and sad? A: "Your cock is bigger than your brother's." URINAL GRAFFITI: Wet Paint. --Please note: This is not an instruction. The future of the nation is in your hands. Doesn't anything or anybody work in this place? --yes me, I put up the ‘Out of Order’ signs. I am a practising transvestite. Meet me here Sunday at 8pm. –how will I recognize you? (On bathroom electric hand-dryer) Press button for a 60-second speech from Hanoi John sKerry. TOILET GRAFFITI: (At bottom of the door) Beware! Limbo Dancers Masturbation stunts the growth. (Bottom of the door) – now you tell me. (Underside of seat in Ladies) Thank God, a man at last! (In a Men's) Mary – if you're reading this, we're through. GRAFFITI ON CONDOM VENDING MACHINES: If this machine is out of order, please see the landlord. – if it's in order, please see the barmaid. This is the worst chewing-gum I've ever tasted. – yes, but you can blow fantastic bubbles. Buy me and stop one. Buy two and be one jump ahead. Buy 144 and be grossly oversexed. Approved to British Standard BS3704 – so was the Titanic! My Dad says these don't work. A Catholic, a Protestant, and a Mormon were each bragging about the size of their families. "I have four boys, and my wife is expecting the fifth," said the Catholic. "One more son and I'll have a whole basketball team." "That's nothing," said the Protestant. "I have ten sons right now, and my wife is pregnant with the eleventh. When she delivers, I'll have a whole basketball team." "I have you both beat," chimed in the Mormon. "I have seventeen wives. When I marry the eighteenth one next month, I'll have a whole golf course!" A kindergarten class had, at the instruction of their teacher, picked up their coloring books for the next activity. One little boy walked up to the teacher's desk and said, "I ain't got no crayons." "You mean," she corrected him, "I don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons, They don't have any crayons. Do you see my point?" "Not really," the boy answered. "What happened to all the fucking crayons." A husband bought his wife a mood ring so he could better monitor her frequent emotional swings. After she had worn the ring for about a week, he learned that when she was in a good mood, the stone around the ring turned green. But when she was in a bad mood, the ring left a big fucking red mark on his forehead. Q: What gets longer when pulled and works best when jerked? A: A seat belt. Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan. "Let me tell you," said one woman gossiping with her girlfriend, "that I have never been happier. I have two boyfriends. One is incredible. He is handsome, sensitive, caring, and considerate." "The what is the second one good for?" her friend inquired. "He's essential. He's the straight one." Q: Why are men so turned on by a woman in leather? A: Because she smells like a new car. Enjoying his cappuccino at a sidewalk cafe in Rome, the American tourist was pleased to see a foxy Italian girl sit at his table. "Hello," he started conversing. "Do you speak English?" "Only a little," she smiled. "How much?" "Fifty dollars." A young guy went to the whorehouse for the first time. He went into one of the rooms and slapped $50 on the table, then dropped his pants. At the sight of his 18 inch penis, the hooker almost fainted. "Easy there, buddy," she managed to say. "I'll lick that, I'll suck it, but you ain't EVEN sticking that thing into me!" The guy pulled his pants back up, pocketed his money, and on the way out said, "Screw you. I can do those things myself." Q: What's the definition of "gross?' A: When you ask your girlfriend for a hickey, and she's so old she first has to fetch her teeth out of a glass. Q: What's the definition of "grosser?' A: When her teeth stick to your skin. Two priests are in a bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!" The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day." Q: Why don't niggers use aspirin? A: Because it's white, it works, and they're averse to picking the cotton out of the bottle. A group of military Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work." A Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work." Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work." They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the Private over to ask his opinion. The Major says, "Excuse me, Private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?" The Private smiles and says, "Sirs, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there were any work involved, you would have the enlisted men doing it for you." On a farm out in Arkansas lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only goat was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her...how could she possibly continue sexually to satisfy her husband and three sons now that the goat was dead. In a depressed state of mind, she hanged herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the goat, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head. Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead, and the goat, and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the goat to you." The eldest son agreed to try, but because he was 30 years old, could do it no more than four times. He was simply unable to get it up again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, then I will make everything right." And while the 24 year-old son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead goat in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life of 14 years was a hopeless prospect, especially with his goat gone, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The teenaged son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?" Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health, along with your goat." But then the young son asked, "Hey, wait a minute! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the goat?" Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really harm anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the cult's commune for all the cocaine, ecstasy, meth, and heroin we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your all of your new grandchildren. Your son, Chad P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted gently to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home! A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see his son's bed acharacteristically made up and everything in the room neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom. I've been finding real sexual passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so many years older than I am, but it's not only the pleasure, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children, and maybe even getting married some day. Q: What's the difference between a blond boy and a blonde girl? A: A blonde girl has a higher sperm count. There was a coven of leftwing protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. An elderly woman was getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered Grandma a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the Grandma's shoulder as a gesture of coercion, and in a very soft voice said, 'Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?' The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father was killed in Germany during World War II, I lost my husband in the Korean War, and my son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." God Bless Grandma, and God Bless America! A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Hummer I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby replied, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches cold." Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a cocksucker." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "But on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio." Daffynition: Marriage - a legal relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. Q: What do you say to a blonde with a job? A: How much for a 69? Q: What does a blonde use as protection during sex? A: A bus shelter. A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." A blonde cowgirl, who is visiting Tennessee from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself. The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "it's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Holy shit, lady! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! Murder's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in prison! All kinds of horrible things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her naked husband fucking the shit out of the pharmacist's likewise wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Q: Where do you take a blonde for a decent night out? A: Up the ass. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the cute night nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, this is just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!" She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples!" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well." So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey? It's not that hard." A Polack went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. The Polish guy replied, "Read it? I know the guy." Daffynition: Foot fetish - the fixation some females have where any penis under 12 inches is to them sexually unacceptable. A typical blonde went to her doctor and complained, "Doctor, I think my breasts must be filled with water!" "What makes you say that?" he inquired. "Because every time some guy presses them, my pussy gets wet!" Q: What was perfect about the marriage of Adam and Eve? A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married instead, and she didn't have to hear about his mother's cooking. "What do you do for erectile dysfunction?" one friend asked the other. "Cialis," he replied. "Are those pills um..." friend one continued, "easy to swallow?" "Oh. You misunderstood me. I sneak away from my wife and go see Alice." A redneck visiting the big city went to a nice restaurant to order dinner and saw on the menu: Lobster tail and beer $30. "Damn!" he thought to himself. "My three favorite things, and at a good price, too!" Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England." The second surgeon said. "That's Nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the Olympics." The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's a Senator from New York." During Sunday services an old lady leaned over to the man nearest here and whispered, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" "Buy new batteries for your hearing aid." A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the African hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?" "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government employee, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes home to sleep." Paul McCartney was being interviewed about his pending break up with Heather Mills: Reporter - "Well Paul, after your bad experiences with marriage. Do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again"? Paul McCartney - "Her name's Heather to you!" A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lying litigious leftist responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and your Hanoi John-supporting carcass is not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the ACLU and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take away everything you've ever owned." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; paticularly with the enemy within such as you, with the 'Three Kick Rule.'" The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the quaint local custom. Signs That You Are Too Drunk You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group. You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor... Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger...who needs dinner? Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. I'm as jober as a sudge. One night, while parked amidst many likewise others on lover's lane, she said to him, "I just love it out here. Listen to all the crickets!" "Those aren't crickets," he answered. "They're zippers." Q: What is the toughest task for a serial killer? A: Cleaning all that blood out from under his fingernails. Q: How can a girl tell if the guy she is dating is probably a serial killer? A: He wants to have her dental records for safekeeping. Q: Did you hear about the new Polish self-circumcision kit? A: The Polack puts a piranha into the toilet, the slowly lowers himself down... A Polack accidentally cut off all of his fingers while working in a sawmill. Immediately, he rushed to his doctor. "You did good by getting here so quickly," said the doctor. "I can probably reattach and save all your fingers." "I don't have the fingers," answered the Polack. "Why the hell not?" "How do you expect me to pick them up?" Q: Did you hear about the new water sport added to the Special Olympics? A: Synchronized drowning. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal projectile- vomiting his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You get your duck." Q: Why aren't lepers allowed on Special Olympics teams? A: They're always losing their heads. Q: What defines the difference between a wino and a wine connoisseur? A: A connoisseur wants wine to taste good going down; a wino want wine to taste good coming up. Q: How can you tell if the guy in the park is a Polack? A: He shits on the sidewalk to feed the flies. Q: How do cannibals like their nuns? A: Missionary style. When a faggot goes missing, they don't put his picture on a milk carton. They put it on jars of vaseline. But instead of a picture of his face, it's a picture of the back of his head. An Arkansas redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son "Boy...go git cha Momma!" Q: How can a teenager tell if his zits are terrible? A: When he pops one, it expels a mushroom cloud. Q: What is a sure sign that a Polack kid is growing up? A: Instead of feeding himself his own boogers, he feeds them to the family dog. Q: What's worse than having your wife catch you with an inflatable sex doll? A: Catching your wife with your inflatable sex doll. Q: Why in the world do rock stars marry those gorgeous, ditsy supermodels? A: Because they can. A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and was in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs." Q: What would be the ultimate contradiction for a queer? A: To get mad because people turn their backs on him. Q: Why couldn't the coach take his Special Olympics team to McDonald's? A: McDonald's doesn't serve vegetables. Two hot chicks walked up to a Scotsman wearing a kilt in the local bar and one asked him, "We have always wanted to know - what is worn under a kilt?" "Nothing is worn under my kilt," he told them. "It is all in perfect working condition. Would ya lassies like me to prove it to ya?" Jeff the necrophiliac was talking to his likewise friend and announced, "Guess what Pete! My girlfriend's pregnant!" "That's impossible!" Pete answered. "Show me." So Jeff takes his friend to his apartment and ushers him into the bedroom where his dead girlfriend is lying naked on his bed. Pete observed that, indeed, her stomach was swollen. "Go get me a knife from the kitchen." Jeff returned and handed him the requested knife. Pete bent over the girlfriend's swollen stomach, which he cut open, then announced, "Congratulations. You're the proud father of 10,000 maggots." Q: Did you hear about the new chain of discount funeral homes? A: They're called "Death 'R' Us." Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, you may NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, LiberAl Gore, Jr., Hitlery Rodham, Hanoi John Kerry, Slick Willie Clinton, Howard Deaniac, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, Sarah Brady, and Barbara Boxer were born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things! One Polack on a construction site heard an explosion and ran to the vicinity and discovered his friend's headless corpse. "Oh, Voichek! I have to find you head!" "No you don't. He's dead, you idiot," said his supervisor. "He doesn't need his head." "Well, I do. He was wearing my hat." Q: Have you heard of the new viagra eye drops? A: They make you look hard as fuck. Wal-Mart announced that, on January 1, 2007, it will begin offering customers a new discount item - WALMART's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2- $5 range. Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of WalMart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at the University of Arkansas, Bentonville. She said, "But the right name is important." Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were: 10. Chateau Traileur Parc 9. White Trashfindel 8. Big Red Gulp 7. World Championship Riesling 6. NASCARbernet 5. Chef Boyardeaux 4. Peanut Noir 3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar 2. Grape Expectations 1. Nasti Spumante The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat ('possum) or red meat (squirrel). Jeffrey Dahmer walked in to his appointment with a psychiatrist and said, "Everything I tell you is confidential, right?" "Absolutely!" "In that case, I have these terrible urges sometimes. I pick up a faggot, take him back to my apartment, drug him, torture him for hours, kill him, fuck his corpse, cut him up into pieces, then save the penises and heads in my refrigerator and take pictures of them. Afterwards, I always feel guilty." "Holy shit!" said the shrink, unprofessionally, "That's the most shocking thing I ever heard in my life! Of course, I'll help you control these urges." "That's not why I'm here, doc. It's to get rid of that guilt." A call to 9-1-1 brought the paramedics Code 3 to an apartment where they found a naked guy screaming and bleeding profusely from the groin. One asked the witness, a naked woman, what had happened. "I picked this handsome dude up at a bar and brought him home with me to fuck my brains out. My Rottweiler was jealous of him and was bugging the shit out of both of us, so I got out of bed on ordered my dog to find a bone and go and bury it in the back yard." Q: What did Hanoi John sKerry get on his SATs? A: Drool. Q: How is a perverted father like an alligator? A: They both eat their young. Three old men were sitting around trying to shock each other by relating their past experiences. The first one said, "I remember back in WW2 how a German mortar round landed right in the GI's foxhole next to mine. Their screams were the worst sound I ever heard." The second said, "That's nothing! The worst thing I ever heard was when a little boy darted out into the highway to catch his stray ball and got hit by a fast moving semi. That horrible splat was the worst sound I ever heard." The third related, in a high-pitched voice, "I've got you both beat! I was fucking this other guy's wife one night and I heard the creak of the bedroom door opening as he came home early and crept into the room." "Big fuckin' deal!" the other two chimed in unison. "Just wait, I ain't done yet!" The third man continued, "As I sprinted, naked, for the open window, he grabbed my balls so firmly that he stopped me in mid-stride and my nuts made a horrible, audible squishing noise." "Big fuckin' deal!" the other two chimed in again. "Just wait, I ain't done yet!" The third man squeaked, "The next sound I heard was him opening the blade of his folding knife with his teeth." Q: What do necrophiliacs and cemetery workers have in common? A: They both dig dead people's holes. Q: What is the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives? A: In the Library of Congress, you aren't allowed to lick the pages. A virile, middle aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." On Valentine's Day a drunk young man walked up to an attractive girl and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" "Yes, but I know you're going to ask eventually anyway, so let's get it over with." "Great. How many men have you had sex with?" "That's my business!" she snapped. "Cool! How much?" A 98 year old hooker bought a professional listing in the yellow pages and then honestly proclaimed herself to be the oldest trick in the book. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball? A: You can only fit three fingers into a bowling ball. It's not who you know that's important; it's how your wife found out. Daffynition - X box: Your former girlfriend's pussy. "Can you explain to me how you got lipstick on your collar?" the wife asked her husband. "No, I really can't," he answered. "I distinctly remember taking that shirt off beforehand." A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender answered, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." Q: What is the mating call of an impassioned blonde? A: "Next." Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A: Introduce herself. Q: How do you make a blonde marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it. So I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer "Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths, and nobody offered me a damned thing." A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters, but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!" PRO FOOTBALL PLAYER PICKS Michigan recruit Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name. Michigan recruit Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs.. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm. Ohio State Recruit Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler, Texas. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick." Miami Recruit Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20. Michigan Recruit Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements. Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his College Entrance Exam. Miami Recruit Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillac's. Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. University of FLA. Recruit Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.) Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Q: How is a blonde like a turtle? A: Once you get her on her back, she's fucked. Gross: Barfing up dinner after eating too much desert. Grosser than Gross: Feeding it to the family dog. I attended a party this past weekend. After checking out all the well-dressed guests at the party, I spotted an attractive woman (standing alone) across the room. When I approached and asked her name, She coyly replied, "Carmen." Trying to maintain some sort of conversation with her, I responded with, "That's a beautiful name, Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself, because it reflects the things I like most in the world - cars and men." Then she asked, "What's your name?" "Golftits," I replied. A couple's baby boy died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and they had arranged to have a wake at their home before his burial. The wife noticed that her husband had shut the door to the kid's bedroom, where little Joey lay at rest, and said, "Pete, I saw you shut the door to Joey's bedroom. I'll bet you're like me and couldn't stand to look at him any more." "No, it's not that," the husband replied, "It's just that the dog has already dragged him downstairs twice already." A small Kentucky wild animal park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Tyrone Jenkins part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Tyrone Jenkins, like all other niggers had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Tyrone Jenkins was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Tyrone Jenkins showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Tyrone Jenkins announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition. "Second," Tyrone Jenkins said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition. "Third," Tyrone Jenkins said, "I want all the offspring to be raised AME Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed. "And last of all," Tyrone Jenkins stated, "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500." A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." After years of wondering why he didn't look anything like his siblings, the grown man asked his mother if he were adopted. "Yes, you were adopted, son," his mother answered as she began to cry. "But it didn't work out. They brought you back." Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!" Bob took the money.