The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors. Saddamy T-shirts available - a bit tight round the collar, but they hang well. Q: What did James Brown get for Christmas? A: Enbalmed. Hitlery Clinton, leader of the P.M.S. (Presidente Muy Socialista) faction of the Democratic party has coyly implied to fellow left wingers she would like to be asked to run for President. This came as no surprise to many who failed to sleep through her initial bid for the Senate when the late Daniel Patric Moynahan, (D NY) put up "President Hitlery Clinton" signs at his Tammany Hall offices a year before retiring from the Senate. But hold the presses folks, it might not be such a cakewalk as the P.M.S. (Populists, Marxists & Socialists) think it will be. Radical closet Black Muslim Barack Obama currently is studying the possibility to enlarge the Nation of Islam to include all of the United States. The charismatic Obama, leader of the A.N.I., (Almighty Nation of Islam) is extremely popular among the P.C.R. (Politically Correct Rollovers), a faction Clinton needs to seduce into her own coven, as well as major Chicago human rights groups and international trade organizations such as the Latin Kings and the Vice Lords. This could spell trouble for Ms. Clinton, who is still confident of support by the N.O.W. (National Organization of Wiccans) but may have to rely on last minute polling of nursing homes and cemeteries to "fill in the gaps". No word as yet on whom she may ask to be her campaign manager, however "insiders" have reported on condition of anonymity she has had several private meetings with Lorena Bobbit and Ellen Degenerate. Q: What is the best thing about dating a "homeless" woman? A: You can drop her off anywhere. Q: Did you hear about the new radio station with the call letters WPMS? A: It has a monthly programming cycle that is three weeks of the blues followed by one week of ragtime. Q: Did you hear the one about the guy they found with his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner? A: He was trying to have sex without attachments. Loudmouthed, obese, leftwing dyke Rosie O'Donnell announced she will organize a boycott of Lowes hotels in response to their intention to ban trans fats from their hotel chain. "This is an outrage," screeched Ms. O'Donnell, "I know a lot of fat trans who are no different from anyone else, and I think this is a violation of their rights." Asked if Richard Simmons were among those, O'Donnell would only say that what Richard does in his own time is his own business. She hinted she may be teaming up with Rosanne Barr but no word on that beyond saying they'll be up late "chewing the fat". I was thinking of notifying the authorities ahead of time to see how much they'd pay me not to go climbing on Mt Hood in the winter. It would have to be cheaper than how much it's costing them to exhume the corpses of those last two frozen assholes... Christmas Carols for the Disturbed * Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear? * Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are. * Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas. * Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me. * Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... * Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me. * Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.... * Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why. * Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy... oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate - why is France so far away? - all is quiet: * Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,! Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... 'T was the night before Christmas and all through the Land, They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan, Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees, He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas. He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter, But all that he's done is just make us Madder. We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut, And we'll kick your butt, with one heavy Boot. And yes we remember the USS Cole, And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole. You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear, You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear. And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam, And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs. You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide. They'll go down in history as the place where you Died. Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death? He came very close, to his final Breath. So come out and prove it, that you are a Man, Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan. They are our Fathers and they are our Sons, And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns. They would have stayed home with children and Wives, Till you fuckers came here and took all those Lives. Osama I wrote this especially for You, For Airmail delivery by B-52. You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle, Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile I will not be sorry to see your ass Go. It's Red, White, and Blue that is running the Show. (Assuming the Democrats don't surrender us first.) WUZ DE NITE BEFO' CRIMMUS Wuz de nite befo' Crimmus an all ober da hood evybody wuz sleepin' dey wuz sleepin' so good. We hunged up ar stockins and hoped like de heck dat ol' Sanny Claus gone bring us our check! All ub da fambly wuz lain' in dey beds whilst Thunderbird wine danced thru dey haids. I'ze passed out on da flo' rites next to my Ma When I'd heard such a fuss I'd thunk...It must be da Law! I'ze looked out da bars what cover'd ma do' speckin' da sheriff Wid a warrant fo Sho'! What I did seen made me sez "Lawds! looks at Dat!" Der wuz a huge watamelon pulled by giant wha'f rats! Now ober all da yea's Sanny Claus be White but looks like us niggas' gets a Black Sanny dis nite! Faster dan a Po-lice car my homeboy, he came he whupped on dem wha'f rats and called dem by name! On Leroy! On SnoFlake! On Lazy! On Willie! On Mahmood! On Du-Shawn! Dey sho nuff wuz silly! As he landed on dat watamelon out dare in de skreet I knowed it was fo' sho' da damdest site i ebber did seent! He didn's go down da chimbly He picked da lock on ma do'! An I sez to masef "Shit! He done dat befo!" He had dis big bag fulla presents,i speckt wid air jordans and fake gold to wea's rouns ma neck But he lef no good presents jes started takin' ma shit! Gots ma drugs, stole ma guns and eben ma burglars kit! Wit ma stuff in da bag out da winda' he flew I sho' woulda stabbed him but he stole ma knife too! He jemped on dat watamelon and whupped out a switch he was gon' in a sekkon' Dat son-of-a-bitch! Nex' yea I'ze be hopin' a White Sanny we git Cuz a Black Sanny claus Jus' ain' wurff a Shit! 1 On the first day of Kawanzaa, Cleotious gave to me A long, skinny termite digging stick. 2. On the second day of Kawanzaa, Cleotious gave to me Two hats of many colors, And a long, skinny termite digging stick. 3. On the third day of Kawanzaa, Cleotious gave to me Three packs of watermelon seeds, And a long, skinny termite digging stick. 4. On the fourth day of Kawanzaa, Cleotious gave to me Four Oakland Raiders warm up jackets, Three packs of watermelon seeds, Two hats of many colors, And a long, skinny termite digging stick. 5. On the fifth day of Kawanzaa, Cleotious gave to me Five $1.00 off KFC bucket of chicken coupons, Four Oakland Raider warm up jackets, Three packs of watermelon seeds, Two hats of many colors, And a long, skinny termite digging stick. 6. On the sixth day of Kawanzaa, Cleotious gave to me. Six big rocks of Crack, Five $1.00 off KFC bucket of chicken coupons, Four Oakland Raider warm up jackets, Three packs of watermelon seeds, Two hats of many colors, And a long, skinny termite digging stick. 7. On the seventh day of Kawanzaa, Cleotious gave to me Seven 40 oz bottles of Old English 800 beer, Six big rocks of Crack, Five $1.00 off KFC bucket of chicken coupons, Four Oakland Raider warm up jackets, Three packs of watermelon seeds, Two hats of many colors, And a long, skinny termite digging stick. The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty- five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow." HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE FROM THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF KALIFORNIA 1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none of them are visible. 2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house. 3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English. 4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower. 5. You can't remember...is pot illegal? 6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor. 7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian. 8. You can't remember.....is pot illegal? 9. A really great parking place can totally move you to tears. 10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S. 11.Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really is George Clooney. 12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment. 13. You can't remember....is pot illegal? 14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station "Storm Watch" 15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers. 16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather related accidents. 17. Hey!!!!! is pot illegal? 18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers, anc cosmetic surgeons. 19. The Terminator is your governor. 20 If you drive illegaly, they take your driver's licence. If you're here illegaly, they want to give you one. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?" A man hasn't been feeling good, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?" "Nine..." A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!" The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?" "I just saw both of your garters!" Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!" Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you're going?" she asks. "From what I just saw, my school days are over!" An extremely old couple had dinner at likewise couple's house. After the meal, the two old ladies excused themselves and went into the kitchen to do the dishes. "Last night we ate at a new restaurant that was genuinely fabulous. I would highly recomment it to you," said one old gent to his friend. "What's the name?" the other asked. The first codger thought for a moment, then asked, "Ah...what's the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" "A rose," was the reply. "Thanks," he answered. Then he turned towards the kitchen and yelled out, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?" Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "These are Carol's." And So The Holiday Season Begins.... Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be Losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and The light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" After the woman gave birth to a baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside. "I have something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked. "Your baby is a hermaphrodite." "What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts." "Oh my God!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean he has both a brain and a vagina?" There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school. For the islamofascist guys who blow themselves up and get to go to Heaven and get 72 virgins, it seems like a good deal. But what about those virgins? They are born, taught to respect God, live good lives, look after their families and then, when they die, they get to become virgins again and have some stinking unshaved smelly goatrooting terrorist root them once then they are cast aside for all eternity. Doesn't that suck? And, where do used virgins go, do they get recycled again or do they then just become the hookers of heaven? It must really suck being a muslim woman. Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life," by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing. Q: How do you get a faggot interested in a woman? A: That's easy, just fill the woman's uterus with shit. NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN DAMNITOL Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to Hell for up to 8 full hours. EMPTYNESTROGEN Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. ST. MOMMA'S WORT Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. PEPTOBIMBO Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of cRAP and pimpmobiles. FLIPITOR Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. " BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number. ANTI-TALKSIDENT A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share his life story with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him. Daffynition: Assfixiation - a fanny fetish. Bumpersnicker: Notoriety is fleeting, Anonymity is forever. Bumpersnicker: If you can't find anything nice to say about someone, you must be talking about Hitlery Clinton. Bumpersnicker: Bush spied, terrorists died. "Come on, honey," the frustrated husband said to his wife. "I can't remember the last time we made love." "Well, I can," his wife answered. "And that's why you're not getting any." Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see one without an erection, make him a sandwich. "Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?" "No," came the answer. "I got a sweater. What I wanted was a screamer." Q: How is Christmas just like another day at the office? A: You do all the work, but the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened. ''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.'' ''That must have hurt,'' said the judge. ''No shit,'' said the best man. ''He broke three of my fingers.'' A college student on his way between wild parties climbed into the back of a cab and asked the driver, "Do you have room up there for a large pizza and a six pack of beer?" "Sure!" answered the cabby. So the kid leaned forward and threw up. It certainly is shaping up to be a beautiful day," the boss told his secretary. "I seriously doubt it," the secretary answered. "The forecast is for torrential downpours." "I'd put my money on it that it is going to be bright and sunny. In fact, I'll even lay you 12 to one." "Sorry," she replied, "That's my lunch hour." Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Queen Liz the same question. She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she does THAT and gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a pair any day." Q: What do you call lesbian twins? A: Lick-a-likes. A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu: Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Democrat: $100.00 The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price difference for the Democtat?" The waiter replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of those assholes?" PONDERISMS I used to eat a lot of natural foods, until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ** The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ** Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway. ** There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. ** Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ** The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. ** Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. ** Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ** Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? ** Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. ** All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ** In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. ** How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ** If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? ** Why do people point to their wrists when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotches when they ask where the bathroom is? ** Why does her OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look at her snatch anyway? ** Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ********************************************** A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter who she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," she replied. A man walks into a bar with an ostrich behind him. The bartender asks for his order, and the man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says, "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and both order a beer. Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again and the bartender asks, "The usual?" "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic, and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir; what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "My second wish was for a compatible chick with long legs." Q: Do you know what "in drag" is? A: That's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't. Q: How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? A: Even the pool table doesn't have balls. Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend? A: See you next month. Q: Did you hear that Ellen Degenerate drowned? A: She was found floating face down in Rosie O'Donnell. Q: Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? A: So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads. Q: What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? A: Fur Traders. Q: Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? A: Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. A woman was helping her computer illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on every day. The husband was in a rather horny mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, When the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, " p..e..n..i..s". His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ****PASSWORD REJECTED**** NOT LONG ENOUGH**** A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I' m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!" It's Sunday morning and she's standing at the stove putting eggs in boiling Water for the soft-boiled eggs. He walks in, she turns, looks him in the eye and she says," You must make love to me now...right this very instant!" He smiles thinking, "I'm a very lucky guy!" And not wanting to waste the opportunity he grabs her and gives her his all on the kitchen table. As soon as he finishes, she rolls off the table and goes right back to the stove. Bewildered he asks,"What was all that about?" Without turning she simply replies...the egg timer broke." Two little pickaninnies go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awfully cute. Who are you supposed to be?" "We're Jack and Jill," the girl replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!" They go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the door bell and once again and the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?" "We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!" says the man. Heads hung low, the kids leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell ring again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED. "Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks. "Chocolate M & M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts." Q: What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A: A Klondyke. Q: What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A: A licker cabinet. A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were: 1. A Woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish 5. A Star of David After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left That way it really reads is, "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that broad." A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it." Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves telepathically to talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asks. "Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!" The man exclaims, "Not broken, but it must be an hour fast!" A young couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their motel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says, excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam...Shoulda bought a hat." One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her miniskirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the necessary height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan standing behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!" Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, by the time you unzipped my fly for the third time, I thought we were pretty good friends." A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!" A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?" A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, Doc." "Well", was the reply. "Recount for me about your average day." "OK, it all starts out in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up about 3:00 am for a quickie, and then again about 5:00 am so we can spend a couple of leisurely hours making love before I go to work." "Oh, I see," said the doctor. "No, hang on," said the man, "...you see, when I get on the train to go to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there." "Oh....now I see." "No, you don't," said the (by now our) hero. "When I get to work my hot secretary really has raging lust for me and I always have to fuck her a good hard one in the storeroom." "Oh....now I see." "No, no, no," he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this super hot chick I'm very horny for and we duck out back for a quickie." "Now I understand," said the patient doctor admiringly. "No, I'm not through yet," said the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, who is a head to toe 10 I might add, has to blow me and then gargle my sperm for 3 whole minutes or she says she'll fire me." "Ahh....", said the doctor, "Now I understand." "No, there's still more," said our hero. "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then prolonged acrobatic sex afterwards." "So, what the fuck is your problem?"asked the doc. "Well..." said our hero, "my cock hurts when I masturbate." An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where've ye been all this time? Why'd ye not written to us, nary a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer dear Mum through?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute..." "Ye what! Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, Dad...as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you Daddy, the sparklin' new Mercedes Benz convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve aboard me new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now hold on a minute. What was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, lass! I thought ye said a 'Protestant'! Come here and give yer old man a hug!" He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said . . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart! He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror! He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay? She said . .. They don't have time. She said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? He said . . . A widow. A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He look at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have 'GE' written on my forehead? I Don't think so." "Fine." Then the wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have 'Westinghouse' written on my forehead? I Don't think so." "Fine," she says. "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break." "I'm not a carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "Does it look like I have 'Ace Hardware' written on my forehead? I Don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. But he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home. As he walks into the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey," he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do to repay him was either have vigorous sex with him or bake him a cake." The husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake? She replied, "Hellooooo...Do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead? I Don't think so!" A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said "Shit, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language. On his next swing, he missed again. "Shit, I missed." "Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing," the nun said tartly. The priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed. Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again. "Shit, I missed." A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. And from the sky comes a booming voice..."Shit, I missed." Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. love you darling! Love, Meghan" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married! Broken Coffee Table: $139.00 Hot Breakfast: $4.20 Two Aspirins: $0.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time: Priceless. A STEWARDESS TELLS THE TRUTH: Your life-jacket can be found under your seat, but please do not remove it now. In fact, do not bother to look for it at all. In the event of a landing on water, an unprecedented miracle will have occurred, because in the history of aviation the number of wide-bodied aircraft that have made successful landings on water is zero. There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin." The doctor checks her out and says "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs. The bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies." Most Direct Pick-Up Lines: 1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole? 2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feedbag. 3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning! 4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized? 5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face. 6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to get close to your ass. 7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in. 8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck. 9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass! 10. If your right leg were Thanksgiving, and your left leg were Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays? 11. You remind me of a championship bass, I can't decide whether to mount you or eat you! 12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special. 13. Could I touch your belly button . . .from the inside? 14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69? 15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll insert the meat in it. 16. I'm new in town. Could I have directions to your house? 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda? 19. I love every bone in your body - especially mine. 20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, Slippery When Wet, Dangerous Curves Ahead, or Yield? 22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room. 23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor? It's a game where I lie back while you blow the hell out of me. 24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. 25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? 26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. 27. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were it, I'd be coming too. 28. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag. 30. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was the water jug. 31. What do you care what my room looks like? - You'll only see the ceiling! How Men React To Oral Sex: A recent survey was conducted to discover how men react when receiving oral sex. 90% said they enjoyed holding their partner's head during the act. Of that 90%, 5% said it was to encourage their partners and to show affection; 15% said it was for the feeling of power and control it gives them; 70% said it was to keep from applauding. Why Men Get Out Of Bed: A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5% said it was to get a glass of water. 12% said it was to go the toilet. 83% said it was to go home. When Men Prefer To Have Sex: A recent survey was conducted to find out when men prefer to have Sex. It was found that 100% of men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T" . Examples of those days are: Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, and Tomorrow. A woman and a man are sitting in a cafe. The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a dollar. She holds it over her lap, snaps the dollar and asks, "What's this?" The man puzzled answers, "A dollar." The woman answers, "No, all you can eat under a dollar!" Q: What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ Simpson? A: It only took 12 jerks to get OJ off. A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he happens upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home. He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes (although a Caucasian cannot discern when a Chinaman is squinting) and says, "What do you want?" The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep in all that time. It would be most gracious of you if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight." The old Chink says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot have sex with my grandaughter." The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning." The old Chink counters, "Ok, but if I do catchee you then I'll give you the three worst Chinee torture tests ever known to man." "Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life? Probably has fewer teeth than a mether. Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, he had been many, many months without female companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal. That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had vigorous, acrobatic sex, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience." Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying, "1st Chinee torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest." "What a lame torture test," the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinee torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle." The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying, "3rd worst Chinee torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost." EIGHT WORDS WITH TWO MEANINGS: 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female..... Any part under a car's hood. Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.... Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n. Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding. 7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it. 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." The psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this!" and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is utter the magic words, '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy the asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says, "All you have to do is utter the magic words, '1-2-3-4' and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home, and that night he is ready to give his wife his big magic surprise. So, he's lying in bed with her and says, "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets a giant erection. His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1-2-3' for?" TOP COMMENTS OF MALE PATIENT UNDERGOING COLONOSCOPY: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 10. "You're a socialist, huh?" 11. "Thank God! Another great reason not to be gay." 12. "Could you please write a note to my wife saying that my head is not up there?" A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes, the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "Yes, but we built the Roman empire." And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!" A physics professor was explaining to his college class when a premed student asked, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?" "To save lives," the prof answered. "How in the flying fuck does physics save lives?" retorted the wise-ass student. "Physics saves lives because it keeps certain people out of medical school." A harsh and demanding instructor was lecturing his class on the importance of being wide awake. "I personally have found the most effective way to start my day is to take a cold shower," he said. "Then I feel rosy all over." A bored male student voice called out from the back of the class, "Tell us more about Rosie." Q: Why do decent white folks shop at nigger yard sales? A: To get all their own stuff back. A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?" "No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you fuck?" he asked. "Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too. The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I fuck!" she screamed in panic. "Slut!" he said, and dropped her. One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure the guy's dick in a vice. Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?" "Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm just going to set the garage on fire." The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note: "DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT BY GOD, I'M GOING TO KILL THE GUY WHO PUT NOVACAINE IN THE VASELINE!" Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum cleaner The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing Bloomingdales. Q: Why do waitresses always give such bad head? A: They are only interested in the tip. An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume. "I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "that there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you." "There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast." Q: When is a man considered mature? A: When dating a woman half his age is no longer illegal. MEN'S ENGLISH: "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry. "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy. "I'm tired." = I'm tired. "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! "You look tense; let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you. "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex? "I love you." = Let's have sex now. "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before. "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. And FINALLY... (While shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick ANY dress and let's go home! Upcoming 2006 Democratic Convention agenda! 6:00 p.m. - Opening flag burning ceremony. 6:05 p.m. - Opening secular prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton 6:30 p.m. - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand. 6:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 7:00 p.m. - Tribute theme to France. 7:10 p.m. - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund. 7:25 p.m. - Tribute theme to Germany. 7:45 p.m. - Anti-war rally (Moderated by Michael Moore) 8:25 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 8:30 p.m. - Terrorist appeasement workshop. 9:00 p.m. - Gay marriage ceremony (both male and female couples) 9:30.p.m. - * Intermission * 10:00.p.m. - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins 10:10 p.m. - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss. 10:20.p.m. - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!' 10:30 p.m. - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L. 10:40 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 10:50 p.m. - Pledge of allegiance to the UN. 11:00 p.m. - Multiple gay marriage ceremony (threesomes, mixed and same sex). Rep. Barney Frank (D,Mass.), Sponsor 11:15 p.m. - Maximizing Welfare workshop. 11:30 p.m. - 'Free Saddam' pep rally. 11:59 p.m. - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast. 12:00 p.m. - Nomination of democratic candidate. Any chance we could get Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home from the convention? Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes." For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system. Simple Duties: You make the bed...+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows...0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1 You leave the toilet seat up...-5 You leave the toilet lid down...-10 after the lights are out...-30 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5 But return with beer...-5 You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...+5 You pummel it with a six iron...+10 It's her father...-10 Social Engagements: You stay by her side the entire party...0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2 Named Tiffany...-4 Tiffany is a dancer...-6 Tiffany has implants...-8 Her Birthday: You take her out to dinner...0 You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1 Okay, it is a sports bar..-2 And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3 It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10 A Night Out With The Boys: Go out with a pal...-5 And the pal is happily married...-4 Or frighteningly single...-7 And he drives a Mustang...-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...-15 A Night Out: You take her to a movie..+2 You take her to a movie she likes...+4 You take her to a movie you hate...+6 You take her to a movie you like...-2 It's called Death Cop 3..-3 Which features lipstick lesbians having sex..-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15 Your Physique: You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30 You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800 The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"...-5 you hesitate in responding...-10 you reply, "Where?"...-35 Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10 She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20 THE CANONICAL LIST OF VAGINA SYNONYMS vagina, pussy, bearded clam, vertical smile, beaver, cunt, trim, hair pie, bearded ax wound, tuna taco, fur burger, cooch, cooter, punani, snatch, lovebox, box, poontang, cookie, fuckhole, love canal, flower, nana, pink taco, cat, catcher's mitt, muff, roast beef curtains, the cum dump, chocha, black hole, sperm sucker, fish sandwich, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, carpet, love hole, deep socket, cum craver, cock squeezer, slice of heaven, flesh cavern, the great divide, cherry, tongue depressor, clit slit, hatchet wound, honey pot, quim, meat massager, chacha, stinkhole, Black Hole of Calcutta, cock socket, pink taco, bottomless pit, dead clam, cum crack, twat, rattlesnake canyon, bush, cunny, flaps, fuzz box, fuzzy wuzzy, gash, glory hole, grumble, man in the boat, mud flaps, mound, peach, pink, piss flaps, the fish flap, love rug, vadge, the furry cup, stench-trench, wizard's sleeve, dna dumpster, tuna town, split dick, bikini bizkit, cock holster, cockpit, snooch, kitty kat, poody tat, grassy knoll, cold cut combo, jewel box, rosebud, curly curtains, furry furnace, slop hole, velcro love triangle, nether lips, where uncle's doodle goes, altar of love, cupid's cupboard, bird's nest, bucket, cock chafer, love glove, serpent socket, spunkpot, hairy doughnut, fun hatch, spasm chasm, red lane, stinky speedway, bacon hole, belly entrance, nookie, sugar basin, sweet briar, breakfast of champions, wookie, fish mitten, fuck pocket, hump hole, pink circle, silk igloo, scrambled eggs between the legs, black oak, Republic of Labia, juice box, golden palace, fetus flaps, skins, sausage wallet. holiest of holies, sugar hole, the Death of Adam, home plate, deer hoof, golden arches, cats paw, mule nose, yo yo smuggler, mumbler (aussie), dinner roll, crotch waffle, piss fenders, crack, melvin, dove breast, brakepads, vedgie, slurpy, vacuum vulva, pastrami flaps, hot tamaki walk, buffalo gums, rooster jaws, wagon ruts, beaver teeth, mumble pants (sweden), ninja boot, marcia (aussie), skin canoe, fatty, mossy jaw, the big w, chia hole, lip jeans, beetle hood, hungry minge, sausage wallet, front bottom, welly top, frum, pancake fold, tongue roll, bologna flapover, furrogi (poland), fortune nookie (china), bearded taco, calamari cockring, displabia, slot pocket, bluntfrunt, fishamjig, pole magnet, pocket pie, clamarama, kitty cage, chicken's tongue, conch shell, crack of heaven, dog's mouth, door of life, fly catcher, fruit cup, jelly roll, lobster pot, bunny tuft, knish, her asshole neighbor, lotus, nappy dugout, moneymaker, womens weapon, tackle box, bone hider, red sea, pizzo, jizz recepticle, the helmut hideaway, hairy heaven, furry 8 ball rack, crave cave, Arbys with fur, fish canyon, toolshed, snake charmer, Furby, enchilada of love, ham sandwich, Camarillo brillo, Brazilian caterpillar, dick rack, boy in the canoe, flesh tuxedo, Mound of Venus, queef quarters, Venus butterfly, cooter, cream canal, poontang pie, wet mark, private area, thresher, punash, salami garage, tunnel of love, slurpee machine, pink cookie, penalty box, ground zero, meat crease, bait, birth canal, holy grail, pole hole, pork pie, fuzz bucket, one-eyed python trail, bubble gum by the bum, stink rink, theme park, saloon doors, pink truffle, bitter and twisted, burger bar, meat counter, temperamental ringpiece, python syphon, big bud, the Wombsday Book, the condo downstate, snake lake, the indoor barbecue, pound cake, beef tomato, tickled pink, launch pad, horn of plenty, the indoor picnic, hamper of goodies, flapped bap, bonefish, close encounter with the turd kind, sperm bank, man's charity bash, bush tucker, midnight dip, the one-door vulva, the welcome opponent, the Twatlantic Ocean, temporary lodgings, field of dreams, bean, cooze, old catchers mitt, devil's hole, lucy, pish buffet, pooswaa, poonaner, davey jones locker, pink panther, tinker bell, south mouth, dick eater, wonder bread, wolly bolly, foxhole, hot pocket, head catcher, Lawrence of A Labia, silk funnel, dick driver, purple people penis eater, meat curtains, ponchita, cherry pop tart, fat rabbit, scunt, pee jaws, mingus, The Notorious V.A.G., stench trench, poon jab, nappy dugout, babyoven, penis parking, cooter muffin, the promised land, cock pocket, cha cha, the shrine, bitch ditch, fury pink mink, mammal hole, everlasting cum stopper, the toothless blow job, happy flappy, Wilt Chamberlian's daily glove, the code defier, the salt water taffy factory, mommy's pie, the easy bake oven, the deflower patch, the virginator, the schlong sucker, the de- bone patch, the vegitarian's temptation, the vegan store, the blow hole, the pump protector, bag pipe, spitball bullseye, meat wagon, pickle stinker, jezebel's smell, yoni, willys haven, scrumpter, peach, sweat box, yeast pocket, penis warmer, tampon tunnel, penis pothole, cucumber canal, egg drop box, sperm shack, dick dungeon, cock curator, B.O.B.'s bungalow, mommy parts, tuna pot pie, nice slice, peter vise, cock sock, rack of clam, peters grove, penis purse, grandest canyon, fish dish, banana box, tuna spread, pink portal, count flapula, red river gorge, happy valley, revolving in/out door, baby zipper, richards house, stop-n-pop, bone polisher, packin shack, weiner wrap, clap trap, camel toe, dildo hotel, axe gash, pearl hotel, sea food six pack, clam canal, coose canal, dick deposit, wand waxer, vidgie, erie canal, candy kiss, gauntlet, round mound of beehound, lick n' stick, lap flounder, tomahawk chop, chin-chin, pachinko, cuntry pie, lip tip, the big casino, one eyed worm hole, amazon forest, cock cave, fuck donut, coochie pop, baby, wet seal, pissy froth hole, bald biscuit, the unmentionable, mans ruin, peeshie, Hairy Potter, Courtney cocksleve, panty hamster, deep pink, jaws of life, gizmo, faith, cock magnet, slippery slide, meat tunnel, pink heaven, squid, dick basket, hot spot, poochika, pudding, bowl, love cave, squeeze-box, honey pot, the bone collector, goodie basket, depository, pink turtleneck, bread-box, Little Debbie, pole hole, Pandora's box, snail tracker, cuntzilla, homebase, pud pocket, bear trap, indian bones and the temple of poon, chanch, big montana, noochie, choot, golden valley, nappy roots, dick mitten, mystical fold, pudenda, tuna tunnel. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence. A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it." The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it." A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!" Q: How do you drown a blonde? A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the swimming pool. Q: Why is it proper for blondes to wash their hair in the kitchen sink? A: That's where you wash vegetable, isn't it? A virginal male just entered his freshman year at college, and relayed to his dorm room mate his tale of woe. Fortunately, the room mate was a man of the world and charitably took the green frosh under his protection. "I know a girl named Hot Mary," he said. "She has made it with every guy she's ever dated, and she is a natural blonde, to boot. I'll set you up on a date with her. Just get her alone and let nature take its course." The freshman was pleased with his date, who was not only a blonde, but beautiful and sexy to boot. After dining and dancing, he parked his car at a remote, isolated spot and turned to her, "Gee. I sure would like a little pussy." "So would I! Mine's as big as a milk pail!" A young country girl came to the big city and was shopping when she entered a shoe store. Spotting a pair of beautiful red shoes, she admiringly began to fondle them. She told the young male clerk she didn't have any money left, but would do anything to get the shoes. Carefully observing her luxuriant long, blonde tresses, green eyes set in a gorgeous face, huge perky rack, tight ass, and sexy legs, he answered, "I will insert my huge dick into your undoubtedly tight pussy and pump away until you have the best orgasm of your nearly virginal life, in exchange for which I will give you those shoes." She gleefully agreed, and he led her into the back room, where he helped undress her. She lay down on a bench and he hastily mounted her, pumping joyfully into her womanhood as much cum as he had ever passed. Unfortunately, she just lay there like a limp dishrag. Worried, the healthy young guy immediately launched into a second round. He came again, and she was still limp. Now concerned that his stamina was being tested to the point of dry-shooting, he started a third session. He was only a few seconds into it when he suddenly felt her legs tighten around his waist. Relieved, he pulled out and said, "Best fuck of your life, huh? You will cum any second." "Oh, no," she replied. "I was just trying on my new shoes." As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So, next Saturday at 4 pm. eastern time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not islamofascists. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-terrorist sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly. He again answered, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F." The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T." The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?" The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'." An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for an IRS agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?" The old pastor mustered all his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." Q: Why do blondes get crows feet so early in life? A: From so frequently saying, "You want me to suck WHAT? Oh, sure." Q: Why do blondes like to have skirts with fur trim? A: To keep the backs of their necks warm. On the way back from a ski trip the tour bus went over a cliff and all three young women aboard were killed instantly. At the Pearly Gates, St Peter asked the first in line - a brunette - if she had performed any unclean act in her lifetime. "Yes," she answered, "I kissed a boy once." "Wash your lips with holy water, then you may proceed into Heaven," St Peter said. "And you, miss?" he addressed the second in line, another brunette. "I touched a boy's penis once," she blushed. "Wash your fingertips with holy water, then you may proceed into Heaven," St Peter said. As he turned to question the next in line, the only blonde, the last in line - the last brunette interrupted him and said, "I suck cock every single time I see one. Don't you think that I should go ahead and gargle with that holy water before you make the blonde sit in it?" A seventy-eight year old blonde walked into the neighborhood bar with a pigeon on top of her head and announced her entry with, "Whoever can guess the weight of this pigeon gets to fuck me!" "One thousand pounds!" shouted back the sarcastic young man on one of the stools. "Close enough!" she answered gleefully. A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea." BEWARE OF ENTERING THE WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My loving wife Subject: I've arrived Date: August 6, 2006 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is fucking hot down here! The blonde private had just joined an Army Airborne unit and was preparing for her first jump, of which she was terrified. She remembered to wear panties as her blonde friend had advised her to do, so she wouldn't whistle on the way down. As she stood in the plane's doorway to go, the Jumpmaster told her, "Don't worry! Your 'chute will open automatically, and if it fails you have a secondary you can deploy. There's even a truck parked at the dropzone to bring you back to base afterwards." She jumped, but her primary failed to deploy as he had promised. So she yanked the ripcord on her secondary and it, too, failed. As she plummeted towards the ground she complained, "I am so used to having men lie to me! I'll bet the truck isn't there, either!" Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? A: They are both empty from the neck up. Q: What do most blondes do immediately after sex? A: Walk home. Q: What do blondes and screen doors have in common? A: The harder you bang them, the looser they get. An old couple were sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "We are about to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about -- tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" She hesitates a while and then says, "Yes, three times." "Three times? How did they happen?" The wife begins slowly, "Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?" Yes, that was really a terrible time," he replies. The wife continues, "And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?" "It is hard to take", the man says, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you. What was the second time?" "Well," she continues, "do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford that operation?" "Yes, I do," the man replies. "Then you remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?" "Yes," he says, "that shocks me too, but I understand you did it because of your love for me and I forgive you. But what was the third time?" The wife lowers her head and says, "Remember when you ran for Exalted Ruler of the Elks and needed 62 more votes?" Pete the teenager went to the drugstore to buy rubbers. The sexy blonde girl clerk he recognized from his high school's cheer squad. "What size do you need?" she asked him. "I don't rightly know," he answered sheepishly. "Follow me," she said, and led him by his hand into the back room, where she disrobed. "Now stick it inside me," she requested. Needless to say, Pete complied within a matter of mere seconds. "You're a size six," she noted. "Now pull it back out." He did as he was told. She redressed and asked him, "How many do you need?" "Six." She sold him six size "6" condoms. Pete immediately went and told his even more horny pal Steve about the treatment he could receive at the pharmacy. Steve promptly went to the pharmacy, walked right up to the clerk, and said, "I need to buy some rubbers." "What size do you need?" she asked him also. "I have no idea," he lied. "Follow me," she said, and led him by his hand into the back room, where she disrobed. "Now stick it inside me," which he took even less time than Pete to do. "You're a size nine," she noted with a smile. "Now pull it back out." Instead he continued thrusting vigorously until he came copiously inside her. "Wow!" she said as she redressed and asked him, "How many do you need?" "None, actually" he smiled back. "I just came in for a fitting." Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'l give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." But the girl said, "NO." Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, and he won't even be able to get his pants down. She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened... She said, "The bastard used quarters!" GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Press "1" for English. Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English. Daffynition: Virgin - a girl who no's everybody. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven Go out and say three Hail Marys." Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys." At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous redhead enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears or his eyes but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes." Well, it appears our black friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all white sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect black culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, LaSqueesha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that her people can understand. I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says... "Wazzup, Mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo ass like Leroy after whaat pussy! The Bitch be a category fo'! So grab yo' li'l bastas, yo' Ho, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest gumment office fo yo FREE shit!" A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture a few more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we have no teeth," she replied. Puzzled, the driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love to gum the chocolate off from around them." Q: What did the blonde do when she learned that ninety percent of all accidents occur within ten miles of home? A: She moved. Two Rednecks are sittin' in a boat on the lake fishing and suckin' down a few beers when all of a sudden Ike says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife -- she hasn't spoken to me in over six months." Bubba slowly sips his beer and says, "You better think it over -- women like that are hard to find." A new priest was nervous about hearing confessions, so he asked an older priet to sit in on his sessions. The new priest heard a couple of confessions, then the old priest asked him to step out of the confessional for a few sugges- tions The old priest said, "Cross your arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tried as he had been instructed. The old priest next suggested, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand,' and 'How do you feel about that?'" The new priest repeated these lines he had been taught. The old priest then observed, "Now, don't you think that's better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No shit! What happened next?'" A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a gorgeous young redhead in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies." Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde with a Chinaman? A: Someone who will suck your laundry. Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and England's soccer team? A: O J Simpson had a more credible defense. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Wel now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin." A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad, either." "Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I'll let you in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the rest of the gang members formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron," the guy says. "Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!" St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?" "Just a couple of minutes ago." There was chaos at charity pantomine performance for paranoid schitzophrenics last night...when someone shouted, "He's behind you!" Q: What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? A: They like to get their lips on a cold one straight from the box. A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance." The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank." The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun." The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God." The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law." I used to have a Labrador retriever, so I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart one day and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her "No," but that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital the last time I was on the diet, but I HAD lost 50 pounds before I awakened in the Intensive Care Unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is that you load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try the diet again. Horrified, the woman asked me if I'd ended up in the ER because I'd been poisoned by the Purina. I told her, "No, actually I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me." Definition of the difference between "GUTS" and "BALLS": GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" Q: Did you hear about the abortion clinic that offers blondes a great discount? A: There's a waiting list a year long. Q: How many feminoids does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: THATS NOT FUNNY (must yell it). A2: Trick question, feminoids can't change anything. A3: Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to suck my cock. Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? A: Hand the broad a shovel. Q: How do you get a dead baby into a bowl? A: Blender. Q: How do you get it back out again? A: Bag of potato chips. Q: Who do blondes always take a quarter on their dates? A: So that if they can't come, they can call. Q: What is the ultimate embarrassment to a man? A: Walking into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose. There was the blonde who said she'd do anything to get a fur coat, and now she can't button it around her stomach. (Soccer joke) Q: Why do the English make better lovers than the Portuguese/Germans? A: Because English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second. A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news." "Oh dear, what"s the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live." "That"s terrible," said the patient. "How can any news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday." Q: Why were blondes given bigger brains than dogs? A: So they wouldn't hump men's legs at parties. Q: What's he difference between an intelligent blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been sighted. Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where he goes at night." "I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a trace." "Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know where my husband is." "How do you manage that?" the other two women ask. "Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow." As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a veterinarian." For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!" An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!" In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning some things here -- got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much." THE CRUISE: DEAR DIARY . DAY ONE I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited. _______________________________________________ DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man. _______________________________________________ DEAR DIARY . DAY THREE I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman. ______________________________________________ DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband. ______________________________________________ DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled. ______________________________________________ DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX I saved 1600 lives today... Twice. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me!" the female patient pleaded. "No. I'm sorry, that would be against the code of ethics," he answered. Ten minutes later she again asked, "Doctor, please kiss me. Just once." "No, I'm sorry. That would be inappropriate." Five minutes later she wailed, "Please just kiss me!" "No," he answered, "It's out of the question. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be fucking you." When a woman's husband died, she learned he had set aside $30,000 for his fancy funeral. She later admitted to her best friend that there was nothing left over from the burial fund. "How is that possible?" her friend inquired. "Well," the widow answered, "I spent $6,500 on the funeral, I donated $500 to the church, and I spent another $500 on the wake. All the rest went for the memorial stone." "Holy Shit!" her friend exclaimed. "The memorial stone cost you $22,500? How big a stone is it, anyway?" "Four and a half carats." Q: Did you hear about the queer midget? A: He just came out of the cupboard. Two kids are arguing about which of their parents are better. "My dad is stronger than your dad," said the first. "No he isn't." "Yes he is. My dad can lift his truck." "So what? My dad can lift our house." "Well," says kid one, "my mom is better than yours." "I know. That's what my dad says, too." EUPHEMISMS FOR MENSTRATING Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara Trolling for Vampires A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy Saddling Old Rusty Feelin' Menstru-riffic! Clean-Up in Aisle One Massacre at the Y T-Minus 9 Months and Holding Game Day for the Crimson Tide Panty Shields Up, Captain! Taking Carrie to the Prom Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band Ordering l'Omelette Rouge Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System Aunt Floe is visiting There's an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,"Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals!" The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck." So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!" The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up." A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." Two kids are arguing about which of their parents are better. "My dad is stronger than your dad," said the first. "No he isn't." "Yes he is. My dad can lift his truck." "So what? My dad can lift our house." "Well," says kid one, "my mom is better than yours." "I know. That's what my dad says, too." At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'fuck or drown'."