There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the 
sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming 
towards his boat.
	As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards 
him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. 
He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the 
great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, 
the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
	In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from 
above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the 
voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon Me 
when you do not believe in Me?"
	Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, 
"Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? 
Can you make the shark believe in you?"
	The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back 
into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move 
once again.
	As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark 
start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops 
and pulls back.
	Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast 
closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord 
for this food for which I am about to receive..." 

	For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
	His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is 
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
	The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a 
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
	Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I 
heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to 
wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by 
myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!" 

	An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.
	The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a
convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
	The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
	The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
the will.
	The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed
under your will?"
	She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
	"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?"
	The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a
reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like
them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my
funeral."
	The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?"
	The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to
arrange for a man to sleep with me."
	"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but
I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
	That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request.
	After thinking about how much she could do around the house with
$5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to
provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over
tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
	The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour,
but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.
Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the
County bury her!"

	As she lay there dozing next to him, a voice inside his head 
kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with 
one of his patients."
	But another voice kept reminding him, "Howard, you are a 
veterinarian."

	The bartender asks his customer,  "What"ll you have?"
	The guy answers, "A scotch, please." 
	The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That"ll
be five dollars." 
	To which the customer replies, "What are you talking about? 
I don"t owe you anything for this."
	A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says
to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original
offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was
no stipulation of remuneration." 
	The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, 
you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here 
again."
	The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 
"What are you doing here? I can't believe you have the audacity 
to come back!"
	The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been 
in this place in my life."
	To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. 
You must have a double."
	To which the guy replies, "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

Light a match and you'll be warm for a moment, but light 
yourself on fire and you'll be warm for the rest of your life.

		SNAP JUDGEMENTS ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
signs, those tiny giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a
person.
1. Man won't unlock car door for woman.
-Doesn't engage in oral sex.
2. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
-No foreplay.
3. Man can't hail a cab.
-Impotent.
4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
-Prefers virgins.
5. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way
there.
-Is a virgin.
6. Insists on going to a romantic, candlelit restaurant.
-Compulsive Don Juan.
7. Insists on going to a homey little cafe.
-Compulsive Don Quixote.
8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar.
-Compulsive Don Ho.
9. Wants to go to a French restaurant.
-She will swallow.
10. Wants to go to a deli.
-Won't swallow.
11. Uses Sweet n' Low.
-Wears falsies.
12. Takes too long deciding what to order.
-Has trouble reaching orgasm.
13. Orders salad dressing on the side.
-Will give a hand job, but won't go "all the way."
14. Gives explicit orders to the waiter or waitress.
-Will expect incredibly skillful gymnastics in bed.
16. Insists on ordering for you.
-Thinks that you had an orgasm when you didn't.
17. Asks for "the usual."
-Insists on missionary position only.
18. Asks what the specials are.
-Will want you to use handcuffs.
19. Fills up on bread and crackers.
-Premature ejaculator.
20. Doesn't finish everything on the plate.
-Has already come.
21. Insists on having some of what you ordered.
-Will make you sleep on the wet spot.
22. Changes mind after ordering.
-Will never call you.
23. Changes tables.
-Nymphomaniac.
24. Drinks decaf.
-Fakes orgasm. (Female)
25. Orders in French.
-Fakes orgasm. (Male)
26. Sends food back.
-Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, and then try to borrow
money.
27. Asks for detailed descriptions of the desserts.
-Needs you to talk dirty during sex.
28. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers.
-Wants a hand job.
29. Orders a dessert involving nuts.
-Castrating bitch.
30. Wants to split dessert.
-Is dying to move in with you and rearrange all your closets.
31. Credit card is refused.
-Low sperm count.
32. Undertips waiter.
-Small penis.
33. Undertips parking valet.
-Small penis.
34. Undertips cabby.
-Small penis.
35. Uses a toothpick.
-Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
36. Has a removable cassette player in car.
-Pulls out repeatedly during sex.
37. Has a cellular phone in car.
-Has a penile implant.

At a comedy club a female heckler started mouthing off at the 
comedians until one of them responded, "Why do you come here 
and interfere with me while I'm doing my job.  I don't come to your 
workplace and kick cocks out of your mouth, do I?"

			The last 10 things any man would ever say:
1.  I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
2.  While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
3.  I think hairy arses are really sexy.
4.  Her tits are just too big.
5.  Sometimes....I just want to be held.
6.  That chick on "Murder she wrote" really gave me the horn.
7.  Sure!......I'd love to wear a condom!
8.  We haven't been shopping for ages.....let's go and I'll
    hold your handbag.
9.  Fuck Monday night football.....lets watch that "Heartbeat" video.
10. I think we're lost....we had better pull over and ask for some
    directions.

	A little kid is sitting in biology class, and the teacher 
says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that 
only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. 
Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up.
	"Not correct, Miss!" he says.
	"Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher.
 	"Well, Miss, just the other day whileI was playing with my 
cat on the veranda, the neighbour's Rottweiler came around 
the corner, and my cat arched his back and went:
'ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff!'
...but before the cat could say 'Fuck Off!' the dog ate him."

	After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for
orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When
you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say
about you?"
	The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear
them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and
a great family man."
	The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a
wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge
difference in the children of tomorrow."
	The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

	A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest 
Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who 
had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and 
asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby 
cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
	The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son 
to ask the stewardess.
	So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. 
The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and 
said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" 
	The boy said, "Yes she did." 
	"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no 
baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. 
Have your Mom explain that to you."

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

		TRUE EXPRESSIONS OF FRIENDSHIP (man style):
	When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.
	When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
	When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
	When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
	When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be until you quit whining. ;-)
	When you are confused -- I will use little words.
	When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.
	When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences
money can buy.

	John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
	That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
	He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" 
	She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
	John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church 
beside me wife."
	"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 
	The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the 
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize 
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
	She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You 
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

	After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another 
man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.  "Is this 
your husband?" he nervously asks.
	"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
	 "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
	 "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
	"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be 
reassured.
	"No, no, no!" she answers.
	 "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
	 "That's me before the surgery."

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and 
only enough blood to run one at a time.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is.

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on 
Saturday night.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

After naming their first-born girl Moxie CrimeFighter last June, comedian 
Penn Jillette and his wife came up with something a bit more mainstream 
for their new son -- Zolten Penn, who was born Monday. "Zolten is a common 
Hungarian name, it's my wife's maiden name and, most importantly, it's the 
name of Dracula's dog," Jillette said. [Actually, this is a true story.]

     Three Jews win the lottery and scoop the £8m jackpot. They 
are getting ready to divvy up the cash and one says, "Right, 
so that's £2 million to me, £2 million to each of you, and £2
million to the Germans."
     The other two reply, "£2 million to the fucking GERMANS? 
What the fuck for?"
     Says the first Jew, rolling up his sleeve, "Well, they did give 
us the numbers."

      On May 1st, as a result of the Mexican boycott, national retailers 
reported 4.2% lower sales for the day, with a 67.8% reduction in 
shoplifting.
      My commute that day took only 20 minutes instead of the usual 60;
	I had to go the Emergency Room, got to see the doctor in 30 minutes, 
instead of the usual 4 hours.
	At breakfast, my water came in a clean glass.
      When I went to a fast-food "restaurant" for lunch, I understood the person 
who took my order.
	There were fewer arrests, fewer people showed-up for court.
      There were fewer traffic accidents, and NO accidents involving 
un-insured motorists.
      Yeah, we realize how much these un-invited, temporary, illegal, 
undocumented, poaching, imposing, bellyaching, 
fly-the-American-flag-upside-down criminals contribute to our society!

     The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening 
meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this 
Karl Brummer?"
     Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who 
was calling.
     The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band 
Powered Freezer Company, or something like that.
     Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why 
was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get 
some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood 
smears." I then turned back to the phone and advised the 
caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay
on the line because we had already traced this call and 
he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder 
case.

		TEN UNIVERSAL TRUTHS ABOUT MOVIES:
1. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
Bread.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once. If it is a really good movie, more than twice.
4. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
6. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessors.
7. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
8. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
9. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.
10. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

				MEN ARE LIKE:
1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the shIt out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth,  and they usually head
   right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of
   emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little
    while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how
    many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest
    are handicapped.

Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, in California? 
California became a state. 
The State had no electricity. 
The State had no money.  
Almost everyone spoke Spanish. 
There were gun fights in the streets. 
So basically, it was just like California today except the women 
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands. 

	A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck,
 and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to
 enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one
 wish because of the grief they have experienced.
 	They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
 "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
	 The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
 Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while
 with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line,
 the last guy in the line starts laughing.
	 When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the
floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line
and asks him what his wish will be.
	The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."
Moral:  NEXT TIME YOU' RE LAST IN LINE . . BE HAPPY

	An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand
pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
	The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He
gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian
drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the
animal to splatter every where, then just walks out.
	The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with
the other. He walks up to the counter and says to
the waiter, "Want coffee."
	The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up
your mess from yesterday. What was all that about,
anyway?"
	The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for
upper management position: Come in, drink coffee,
shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

     A market researcher called at a house and his knock was 
answered by a young woman with three small children running 
around her.  He asked her if she minded replying to his questions 
and she agreed. 
     First he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. 
     When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products 
was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product.  
     When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes."
    Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
    The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question
 because everyone uses our product and they always say they use 
it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most 
use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you 
tell me exactly how you use it?"
     "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

	A guy and a girl meet at a bar, and hit it off, so she 
invites him to her place for further activities.  As she 
watches him undress, she notices that after taking his 
shirt off, he washes his hands.  Then she sees that after 
taking his pants off, he washes his hands.
	"You must be a dentist," she observes.
	"Amazing!  How could you deduce that?" he asks.
	"Easy.  You keep washing your hands," she answers.
	After having sex she announces, "You must be a
great dentist."
	"Astonishing!  So true!  But how did you know?"
	"Easy.  I didn't feel a thing."

     I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, 
address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked 
for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where 
he had been about one hour before he made this call.
     The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his 
answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we 
had located his position and the police were entering the 
building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the 
phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.
     My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had 
tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't 
tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but it 
was the best meal I'd had in a long, long time.

Q: What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One's a snack cracker. . .

	A journalist at the paper's Jerusalem bureau saw
an old man at the Wailing Wall as she passed it on her 
way to work every day at the same time.
	Impressed by his devotion she asked him, "I see
you here every single day.  How long have you been 
doing this, and for what are you praying?"
	"I have been doing this for 25 years.  On even days 
(by the calendar) I pray for peace.  On odd calendar days 
I pray for goodwill to all men."
	"How does it make you feel to come here every day 
for so long and pray for these things?"
	"Like I am talking to a wall."

Patron: "Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!"
Waiter: "Sorry Sir, one of the maggots must have hatched."

	"She'd planned on a murder-suicide," said the very
relieved widower.  "Fortunately, she was dyslexic."

	A group of cowboys were out on the range branding
some cattle.  While they were away, the brand new cook 
observed a sheep tied to a post.  Thinking that this was 
destined to be the main course for the evening meal, the 
cook slaughtered the sheep and cooked it up.
	Later, after dinner, the cook noticed all the cowboys
sulking around the campfire.  "What's wrong?  Did I 
screw up the cooking?" he asked.
	"No.  You cooked up the screwing."

An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Irishman
politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation. The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people
eat the whole bread?" The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge
bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the
crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell
them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman
listened in silence. The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the
bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."
The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman.
Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
down into chewing gum and sell them to England.
Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?"

	A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on
the Richter scale has hit Mexico.  Two million Mexicans 
have died and over a million are injured.  The country is 
totally ruined and the government doesn't know where 
to start with asking for help to rebuild.
	The rest of the world is in shock.
	Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican 
army control the riots.
	Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
	Other Latin American countries are sending
supplies.
	The European community is sending food and money.
	The United States, not to be outdone, is sending 
two million replacement Mexicans.

	A guy walks into a drugstore to pick up his prescription of viagra.
When he is presented with the bill for same, he says, "This much 
money for a prescription that raises my sexual performance?  Do 
have anything a lot cheaper that will lower her expectations?"

Q: What did the blonde write on the postcard she sent home from vacation?
A: Hi...having a great time.  Where am I?

	A blonde goes to the drugstore to buy deodorant, and asks the 
pharmacist what he recommended.
	"How about the ball type?"
	"No, this is for my boyfriend's armpits."

	Two hunters got separated in the field while one was bagging a deer, the 
other sat over a log to take a shit. But he fell asleep in this position.  
	His hunting pal meanwhile came dragging his kill back and saw his friend 
soundly asleep in aforementioned position.  Being a practical joker, he guts 
the deer and puts all of its intestines underneath his sleeping friend's ass.
	About two hours later, the joker observes the napper walking back to 
camp very oddly.  "What happened to you?" he asks, barely suppressing a smile.
	"Well, I must have shat my guts out after I fell asleep, because they 
were all in heap below me when I woke up.  But lucky for my dexterity and a 
greasy stick I found -- I was able to get them all back inside me in less than 
an hour."

	This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink.
He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big
trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, grabs 
his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
	The poor little guy starts crying.
	"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time,"
says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink.  I just 
can't stand to see a man crying."
	"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy 
between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and 
was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
	"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was 
stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home 
but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my 
wallet in it.
	"At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. 
So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting 
an end to my life and you showed up and drank the 
damn poison."

Q: What is blond, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams 
every night?
A: Hanson.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in the holding cell next 
to his?
A: "Stop playing with my lunch."

Q: What was Princess Di's favorite band?
A: Crash Test Dummies.

	One Polack was standing at the restroom condom machine while 
chewing furiously and wearing a pissed off expression on his face. 
	"What's wrong, Walenski?" said a second Polack.
	"This gum really sucks!"
	"Yeah, I know, but it lasts a long time and really makes great 
bubbles!"

Q: What do men and video tapes have in common?
A: Both go backward...forward...backward...forward...
backward...forward...then stop and eject.

At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent  a small fortune on that bird.  "What did 
he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the 
water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord!  What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor!  A candle fell and the curtains caught on 
fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the 
candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I 
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike 
Driver."
. . .
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"

Q: What is the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, that it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, that it is sociology.

Q: What is the difference between Wayne Gretzky and Courtney Love?
A: Wayne Gretzky takes a shower after three periods.

Q: Why can't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?
A: Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

				Anger Management        
	When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.
	I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
	I politely said, "This is Chris.. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
	Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right fucking number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
	After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
	When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and
hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and
put it in my desk drawer. 
	Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or
had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It
always cheered me up.
	When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with our Caller ID Program?"
	He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!" and hung up.
	One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.
	A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
	I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
	He said, "Yes, it is." 
	I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" 
	He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler,
and the car's parked right out in front."
	I asked, "What's your name?"
	He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"        
	I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
	He said,  "I'm home every evening after five."
	I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
	He said, "Yes."
	I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"
	Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, 
when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.        
	Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole #1.
	He said,  "Hello."
	I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)        
	He asked, "Are you still there?"
	I said, "Yeah,"        
	He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
	I said, "Make me."        
	He asked, "Who are you?"
	I said, "My name is Don Hansen."        
	He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" 
	I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, 
I have a black Bimmer parked in front."
	He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start 
saying your prayers."
	I said, "Yeah, like I'm really  scared, asshole," and hung up.
	Then I called Asshole #2.        
	He said, "Hello?"
	I said, "Hello, asshole."
	He  yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
	I said, "You'll what?"        
	He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass!"
	I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over 
right now."
	Then I  hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I 
lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over 
there to kill my gay lover.
	Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down 
in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
	I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there 
just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other 
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded 
by a news crew.
	NOW I feel much better.
	Anger management really does work.  

Q: What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
A: Prince Charles' ex-wife was killed by a white man in a black car.

Q: What is brown and often found in little boys' underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

			THE JOYS OF OLD AGE
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.  
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
3.  No one expects you to run--anywhere. 
4.  People call at 9  pm and ask, "Did I wake you?" 
5.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 
7.  Things you buy now won't wear out. 
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm. 
9. You can almost live without sex  but not  your glasses. 
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who 
walks into the room. 
14. You sing along with elevator music. 
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.  
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to
pay off.  
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the 
national weather service.  
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they 
can't remember them either.  
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable 
size.   

			Texas Air Control Tower
	Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911 -- You are cleared to land 
eastbound on runway 9R."
	Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land 
on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised!"
	Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711 - "You are cleared to land 
westbound on runway 9R."
	Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on 
infidel's runway 9R. - Allahu Akbar!"
	Pause: Static. . .
	Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
	Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911."
	Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT 
FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! 
WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS
PLEASE!!!
	Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and 
tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?"
   		Moral: DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS !

			FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh!? For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to my; "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
			MALE POEM
I want a beautiful young deaf mute nymphomaniac 
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a 
fishing boat.
I don't know how to rhyme and I don't give a shit.

Q: Why do sperm donors get paid more than blood donors?
A: Because sperm donation is handmade.

	The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified,
well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
	"May I help you?" she asked.
	"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
	"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you 
would prefer someone else," said the madam.
	"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
	Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she 
charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten 
one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. 
After an hour, the man calmly left.
	The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to 
see Valerie.  Valerie explained that none had ever come back two 
nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The 
price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave 
it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
	The following night the man was there again. Everyone was 
astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but 
he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
	After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has 
ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" 
she asked.
	The man replied, "South Carolina."
	"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
	"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's
attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
	The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
			1. Death.
			2. Taxes.
			3. Being fucked by a lawyer.

Q: Why are there no smart husbands?
A: Smart men don't get married.

A blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US 
government class. The professor asked her if she knew what 
Roe vs. Wade was about. She pondered the question then finally 
said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make 
before he crossed the Delaware."

	A tour bus guide announced over his loudspeaker to 
the tourists on his bus passing through Nevada, "We are 
now passing  the largest house of prostitution in the 
entire country."
	"A young male passenger lept to his feet and shouted,
"Why?"

	Two married guys were having a discussion about sex, 
marriage, and family values.
	The first said, "I never slept with my wife before we got 
married, did you?"
	"I'm not sure.  What was her maiden name?"

Q: If you had sex for 365 days and took all those rubbers 
and melted them down and made a tire out of them what 
would you call it?
A: A fucking GoodYear.

	A boyfriend came home and announced to his girlfriend 
that he had just purchased a brand new line of condoms that 
were named "Olympic."
	"Why 'Olympic'?" she asked.
	"Because they come in three colors:  Gold, silver, and 
bronze."
	"And what color do you plan to wear tonight?" 
	"Gold! of course!" he answered.
	"Why don't you wear silver instead?"
	"Why silver?"
	"Because it would be nice if you came second, for 
a change."

	A boy was masturbating in his room so loudly that his father 
walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you're 
going to go blind."
	"Dad, I'm over here," the boy responded.	

	A cut little girl walked into a pet store and asked the owner,
with a lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you have a widdle white 
wabbit?"
	The owner, feeling warmhearted, said, "Would you prefer a 
widdle white wabbit or a thoft bwack one?"
	"I don't think my python givth a thit."

	"Honey," said the husband to his wife, "I want to invite a 
friend home for dinner."
	"Are you kidding me?" she answered. "The house is a 
mess, I haven't done any shopping, and I don't feel like cooking 
a fancy meal."
	"I am aware of all that."
	"Then why in the flying fuck would you want to invite a friend 
home for dinner?"
	The husband replied, "Because the poor idiot is planning 
on getting married."

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and racing greyhounds?
A: The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out.

	One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the 
pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It 
happened again the next week.
	The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw 
a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went
on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
	"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
collection plate," he stated.
	"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give 
some of it to the church."
	The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
	The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
	The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do 
for a living?"
	"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
	"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
practice?"
	The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las 
Vegas and one in Reno."

	A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per 
hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
	Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know 
we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
	The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases 
her speed to 45 mph.
	The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," 
he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and 
she's a far better lover than you are."
	Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and 
slowly increases the speed to 55.
	He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
	Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.
	65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards 
and the boat!"
	The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
	This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
	The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got 
everything I need," she says.
	Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
	Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and 
smiles. "The airbag."

Q: What was the fabric of Princess Di's last dress?
A: Crushed velvet.

Q: What do Kodak and a condum have in common?
A: You use both to catch those special moments.

Q: Why do women stop bleeding when they reach menopause?
A: Because they need all that blood for their varicose veins.

	 While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one
morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.
	Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to
return in two days for the results.
	The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've
got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
	The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."
	The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going
to have to amputate your penis."
	The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second
opinion."
	The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want
but surgery is your only choice."
	The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease."
	The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but
 what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
	The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican
 docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"
	"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
	"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw
 off by itself! You save money."

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes can be dangerous.  Yes,
grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.  Here's why.  A couple in Sweetwater, Texas,
had a lot of potted plants.  During a recent cold spell, the wife was
bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It
turned out that a little green snake was hidden in one of the plants and
when it had warmed up, it slithers out and the wife saw it go under the
sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.  The husband (who was taking a
shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She
told him there was a snake under the sofa.  He got down on the floor on his
hands and knees to look for it.  About that time the family dog came and
cold-nosed him on the behind.  He thought the snake had bitten him, so he
screamed and fell over on the floor.  His wife thought he had a heart
attack, so she covered him up , told him to lie still and called an
ambulance.  The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and
loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.  About that time
the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician
saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.  That;s when the man broke his
leg and why he is still in the hospital.  The wife still had the problem of
the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to
capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began
poking under the couch.  Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who
sat down on the sofa in relief.  But while relaxing, her hand dangled in
between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She
screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.  The neighbor
man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The
neighbor's wife who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store,
saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the
back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting
his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  The noise woke the woman
from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his
wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake.
She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring
it down the man's throat.  By now the police had arrived.  They saw the
unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had
occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the woman tried to
explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  The police called an
ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.  The little
snake crawled out from under the sofa.  One of the policeman drew his gun
and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The
table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it
started a fire in the drapes.  The other policeman tried to beat out the
flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog
who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car
swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.  Meanwhile, the
burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.
The fireman had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway
down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out
the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block
But they did get the fire out.  Time passed.  Both men were discharged
from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police
acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.  A while later they
were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants
for the night.  That's when he shot her.

	One day a third-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living.  All the typical answers came up: fireman, mechanic, businessman, 
salesman, doctor, policeman, and so forth.
	But little Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic
dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other
men and they put money in his underwear.  Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and let him fuck him in his ass
for the money."
	The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Johnny aside to
ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
	"No," said Johnny, "He works for the Democratic National Committee
and is helping to secure the nomination of Hitlery Clinton, but I was too
ashamed to say that in front of the other kids."

	The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely;
picnic tables, barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, along with some apple and
peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when
it was built.
	One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and
look it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
	As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
	 At once, they all went to the deep end.  One of the women shouted to him, 
"We're not coming out until you leave."
	The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies swim naked," he said, leeringly, "or to make you get out of the pond 
naked."
	Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
				Moral: Old men can still think fast.

	It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, 
the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
	The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who 
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
	She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
	"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who lied, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
	Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
	The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed!  Pedro, who
is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
	She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
	"Who said that?" she demanded.
	Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
	At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
	The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
	Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
	Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
	Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
	Now, with almost a mob hysteria, another student yelled, "You little shit.
If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
	Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy, 2001."
	The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
	Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
	Finally someone throws a eraser at Pedro, someone shouted "Duck"!
	Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?
	Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

	A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and 
neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood.
	He  held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting
with the women. 
	At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business 
trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody 
who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who 
would do the job!" 
	The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash 
and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting 
the gator and kicking its ass!  He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, 
throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail 
and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master. The 
water was churning and splashing in the struggle. Finally Leroy strangled 
the gator and let it float to the surface. 
	He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief. 
	Finally the host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." 
	"I don't want it," said Leroy, panting. 
	The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something! You won the 
bet." 
	Leroy said, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever 
one of these white motherfuckers it was that pushed me in the pool."

	A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just
started  playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The
pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.
	Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why back 
in so early? What's wrong? "
	"I was stung by a bee."
	"Where?" he asked.
	"Between the first and second hole," she replied.
	He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

	My wife left me.  
	I don't understand.  After the last child was born, she told me we had to 
cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, 
maybe a 12-pack on weekends.  
	Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from 
shopping and I looked at the receipt I saw $45 in makeup and I said, "Wait 
a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
	She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."
	I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
	I don't think she'll be back...

	Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.
	The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he
replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
	"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
	George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about
a quickie this morning?"
	"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude, you're
starting to act like Slick Willie, and you've only been in your second
term of office for a year! ''
	As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and
whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."

	Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and
said,"I've lost my dad!"
	The policeman said, "What's he like?"
	Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
	
	Hitlery Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one 
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried 
to avoid it but	couldn't. He struck and killed the aged bovine .
	Hitlery told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the 
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls 
to lobbyists.
	About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes 
in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one 
hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, 
smeared with lipstick.
	A boy was born of a Jamaican father and Moorish mother, and
the family moved to Dublin, Ireland. After many years of
social obscurity, the young man had developed a bizarre sex
appetite, in which he gained erotic pleasure putting ladies'
underwear on his pet cat. The locals called him the Moor mon
tabby knicker quare.

	"What happened to you?" asked Hitlery.
	"Well," the driver replied, the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave 
me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate 
love to me. 
	"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hitllery. 
	The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hitlery 
Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened like lightning!"

	A man is nervously awaiting the doctor to finish an operation of his wife's stomach.
After 3 hours the doctor comes in with pale face and says:
	 "Your wife is very bad. She will be crippled for the rest of her life."
	The man strated to cry.
	"It's worse, she can never again chew food, so  you'll have to feed her with 
baby food through a staw for the rest of her life."
	The man cried louder, and started to shake.
	"And what's even worse," the doctor continued, "she will never be able to control 
either her bowels or her bladder again, so you'll have to change her diapers 5 times 
per day."
	The man started to shake his head, and began wailing loudly in deep desperation.
	The doctor punched him on his shoulder and said, "Just kidding, your wife died!"

	A bear, Lion and Chicken are discussing who can frighten people the most.
	The Bear said I only have to growl and people are frightened.
	The Lion said I only have to roar and I frighten people.
	The Chicken said, I only have to cough and the whole world shits itself!

Q: Did you hear about the new movie about a cowboy who has sex with sheep?
A: It's called Barebaaaaack Mountain.

				GROWING OLD
	Don't think of it as getting hot flashes, lady. Just think of it as your inner 
child playing with matches.

				GROWING OLD
	My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as
it used to be.

				GROWING OLD
	I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my
driver's license.

	I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all
could use more calm in our lives.
	By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally
found inner peace.  Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was
to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to
see things I started and hadn't finished; and before leaving the house this
morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle
of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of the
Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, Doritos and a box of
chocolates.
	You have no idea how fucking good I feel.

	Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came
into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when
two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the
other?"
	She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
	Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk
and play with the other kids.
	A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma,
it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "And
Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you right now."

				GROWING OLD
	Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the
best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No
peer pressure."

	George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window.
	George opened the back door to go turn off the light,
but saw that there were niggers in the shed stealing
things.
	He phoned the police who asked, "Is someone in
your house?"
	He said, "No."
	Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he
should simply lock his door and an officer would be
along when available.
	George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a
few seconds ago because there were people in my
shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
	Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at
the Phillips residence and caught the burglars
red-handed.
	One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought
you said that you'd shot them!"
	George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

			ALTERNATIVE TITLES FOR "BROKEDICK MOUNTAIN"
OKLAHOMO
HIGH NOONER
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
POLESMOKE
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
VERY RAW HIDE
LONESOME DOUG
A FISTFUL OF NED
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
ROOSTER'S COCKBURNS
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FABULOUS
SILVER-ROD-OWWW
THE CRISCO KID

			TOP 12 NAMES FOR MICHAEL JACKSON REALITY SHOW:
12:  Too Gross for Comfort
11:  Touched by a Wacko
10:  The Pedo-Files
09:  Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor  Surgical Procedures
08:  Survivor: Balcony in Berlin
07:  Father's Nose Mess
06:  Child Protective Services, Where Are You
05:  Trading Races
04:  Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!"
03:  Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things
02:  Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest Millionaire?
01:  The Newlywhite Game

				GROWING OLD
	I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's
permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down,
and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class
was over.

Definition of Gross:  Two vampires fighting over a used tampon.

			Teaching Math in Wyoming:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is
4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?
			Teaching Math in San Francisco:
By cutting down beautiful rainforest of trees, the Logger makes $20.  What
do you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation
after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as
the Logger cut down the trees?  (There are no wrong answers)
			Teaching Math in Los Angeles:
El hachero vende un camion carga por $100.  La cuesta de production es
$80...
			Teaching Math in Detroit:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.  His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
			Teaching Math in Washington DC:
"Latrell, get your hand off your crotch and stop dancing on that desk.
Jamal - oh, I'm sorry - Mr. Ice J, please stop addressing everyone as
'whore.'  Shakeema, LaSqueesha, let go of each other's hair and return to your
chairs.  Oh LaSqueesha, I think you're going to need stitches.  You'd better go
to the nurse's office.  Cleotious, stop punching that bo - uh, I mean -
pre-adolescent male.  Everybody settle down.  Class, stop shouting and
listen to me.  Class! CLASS!"

Use a .308 if you want to reach out and touch someone. Use a .50 BMG if you
want to take the extra step to kick him in the nuts.

	Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to
commit suicide. Let's see now. . .
	No Christmas
	No television
	No cheerleaders
	No baseball
	No football
	No hockey
	No golf
	No tailgate parties
	No Wal-Mart
	No Home Depot
	No pork BBQ
	No hot dogs
	No burgers
	No chocolate chip cookies
	No lobster
	No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
	No gumbo
	No jambalaya
	No Beer
	Rags for clothes and diapers for hats.
	Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick
and there are no doctors
	Constant wailing from the guy in the tower
	More than one wife
	You can't shave
	Your wives can't shave
	You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked
over burning camel dung.
	The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
	Your bride is picked by someone else.
	She smells just like your donkey.
	But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

After having shot a lawyer, Vice President Dick Cheney's approval ratings have soared
from .32% to 93.4%

Q: What did Ray Nagin, the mayor of "Chocolate City" New Orleans, say when asked his views on Roe
vs.
Wade?
A: He said he didn't care how people got back to their houses.

 			How to Shower Like a Woman:
 Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
 Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
 If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 Look at your womanly figure in the mirror - make mental note to do
 more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
 Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah
 wide loofah and pumice stone.
 Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with  43 added vitamins.
 Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
 Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
 Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
 Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
 Rinse conditioner off hair.
 Shave armpits and legs.
 Turn off shower.
 Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
 Spray mildew spots with Tilex.
 Get out of shower.
 Dry with towel the size of a small country.
 Wrap hair in a seperate super absorbent towel.
 Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
 If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
 			How To Shower Like a Man:
 Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
 Walk naked to the bathroom.
 If you see wife along the way, shake dick at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
 Look at your manly physique in the mirror, starting at the dick.
 Admire the size of your dick again. Scratch your ass.
 Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your pits.
 Blow your nose on your hands and let the water rinse them off.
 Fart. Forcefully. Laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
 Make sure water rinses the shower out again.
 Spend majority of time washing dick, ballsack, and surrounding area.
 Wash your ass, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
 Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
 Piss. If possible, write something profane.
 Rinse off and get out of shower.
 Partially dry off.
 Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub
the whole time.
 Admire dick size in mirror again.
 Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
 Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
 If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake dick at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.
 Throw wet towel on floor.
 Flop onto the bed, pop a tent, and yell "I got that 10 I owe you."
 woo woo.

Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before performing brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space.  The final frontier."

Q: What do you call five dogs with no balls?
A: The Spice Girls.

Q: How can you tell that a female bartender is really pissed at you?
A: There's a white string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

			NEW VIRUSES
	The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses
of mass destruction.
	The Hanoi John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
little purple hearts magically to appear on screen.
	The Slick Willie Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.
	The LiberAl Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and
re-counting, always with the initial result.
	The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
	The Monika Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
e-mails everyone about what it did.
	The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back.
	The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.
	The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.
	The Ellen Degenerate Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.
	The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care.
	The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files, then covers its tracks.
	The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy...then discards it through Windows.

Q: What do you call a 1000 lb woman carrying a condom?
A: A half-ton with a box liner.

Q: What do Chris Farley, Michael Kennedy, and Sonny Bono have in common?
A: They all died on white powder.

	A truck driver stops on the highway to pick up a young hitchhiker.  The
hitchhiker proclaims, as he climbs into the cab, "Does that monkey sitting
on the seat belong to you?"
	"Yep.  He's my pet.  And he takes good car of you, too.  Watch this."
The truck driver proceeds to punch his monkey as hard as he can in the stomach.
Immediately the monkey slides over to the truck driver, unzips his pants, and
proceeds to give him a vigorours blowjob, the climax of which sprays all over
the inside of his cab.  Then the monkey licks everything clean, rezips the
trucker's pants, and sits back down on the seat.
	"That was a most excellent blowjob, dude!  Can I try it?"
	"No problemo," the truck driver tells the other man.
	"But, one request," the hitchhiker says, "please don't hit me as hard
as you did the monkey."

	A lawyer from New York City moved to a small town in the wild west.
It didn't take him very long to notice that the town was populated solely
by men.  So he asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you guys do when
you have the urge for a woman in this berg?"
	"Y'all see them sheep up on that hill over thar?" the cowboy responded,
"Well, we jus' go up thar on knock one o' them off."
	"Ugh!" the lawyer replied, acharactistically, since lawyers are very
accustomed to every kind of conceivable perversion and disgusting behavior
known to man.
 	But about six months later he himself felt the "urge."  So he grabbed
what he thought was the best looking ewe in the flock, took her home, bathed
her, perfumed her, and took her to bed with him.
	He was feeling so good afterwards that he took the ewe to town and
carried her into the bar with him to get a drink.
	But as soon as he crossed the threshhold of the bar, all the men present
gasped and stopped talking and moving.
	"What hypocrites!" the lawyer yelled, once again feeling comfortable
with his surroundings.  "I am doing just what you do!"
	"Oh!  That's not the problem," said the bartender, "That thar's the
sheriff's gal!"

	The waiter took the expensive bottle of Merlot to the lady
and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indi-
cating the sender.  She regarded the wine coolly for a second,
not looking at the man and decided to send a reply note to the man.
	The waiter took the note from her and returned to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and, 7 inches
in your pants."
	After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return.  He folded the note, handed it back to the waiter and
instructed him to return this to the lady.  It read:  "For your
information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.  There are over twenty million dollars
in my bank account.  BUT, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would
I cut three inches off my dick.  Just send back the bottle."

Bush spied, terrorists died.

	A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and
while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced
limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of
the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth,
and somehow swallows it whole.
	The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"
	"No, what?"
	"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
	"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
	The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.  Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again,
and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts
running around the bar again.
	While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it.
	Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt,
pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what
your monkey did now?"
	"No, what?" replied the man.
	"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
	"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he
measures everything first."

	A middle-aged woman living in a large city on the west coast
was quite the eco-heathen.  She purchased a large tract of forested
land to further her good work.  On a hill was a particulary large
and tall  tree.  She climbed up the tree to get a better view of
her holdings and as she neared the top she was attacked by a Spotted
Owl.  She lost her grip and slipped down the tree to the ground,
picking up a large number of tree splinters in her vagina on the
way down. This was painful.
	She went to see her Doctor and had to wait about 40 minutes to
see him.  She showed the Doc her problem.  The Doctor excused himself,
telling her that he would be back in a few minutes.  She waited, waited,
and waited.  After about 3 hours the Doctor returned.
	She said.  "Now, will you please help me?"
	The Medico said,  "I tried to get permission from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the U.S. Forest Service, and also the Bureau of
Land Management to get permission to remove old timber from a recreation
area, and they all turned me down. I'm sorry!"

	Three Rednecks [Steve, Bruce and Jed] were working on the Bell South
Phone Company tower, and unfortunately Steve falls off the top of the tower
and is killed instantly.  As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."
	Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Jed comes back two hours later, carrying a case of Budweiser.
	Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
	"Well, Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
	"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you...beer?"
	"Well not exactly," Jed says.
	"When she answered the door, I said to her, 'Hello there, you must be
Steve's widow'."
	"She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'"
	"And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are'."

	A man went in to his optometrist for his eye appointment
and was told "You're going to have to stop masturbating, Mr
Smith."
	"Holy Shit!  Why?  Am I going to go blind?"
	"No.  But you are disturbing my other patients in the
waiting room."

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Choked.

		Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists
	WEEK ONE
* Beans
* Bacon
* Coffee
* Whiskey
	WEEK TWO
* Beans
* Ham
* Coffee
* Whiskey
	WEEK THREE
* Beans al fresca
* Thin-sliced Bacon
* Hazelnut Coffee
* Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
* K-Y gel
	WEEK FOUR
* Beans en salade
* Pancetta
* Coffee (espresso grind)
* 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
* 2 tubes K-Y gel
	WEEK FIVE
* Fresh Fava beans
* Jasmine rice
* Prosciutto, approx.  8 ounces, thinly sliced
* Medallions of veal
* Porcini mushrooms
* 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
* 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
* 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
* 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide
	WEEK SIX
* Yukon Gold potatoes
* Heavy whipping cream
* Asparagus (very thin)
* Organic Eggs
* Spanish Lemons
* Gruyere cheese (well aged)
* Crushed Walnuts
* Arugula
* Clarified Butter
* Extra Virgin Olive oil
* Pure Balsamic vinegar
* 6 yards white silk organdy
* 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
* 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
* Large tin Crisco

	A 70 year-old husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time wehad sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back
fence and I made love to you."
	"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
	"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?"
	"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but
very good idea!"
	There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening
to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got
to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
	They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support,
aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her
skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against
the fence, the old man moves in.
	Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground.
	The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something
about life that he didn't know.
	After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,
the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks this was truly amazing. "I've
got to ask them what their secret is," he thinks to himself.
	As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"
	The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

	An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As
he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Hello sir, and what
are you seeing the doctor for today?"
	"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
	The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into
a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."
	"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
	The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem
further with the doctor in private."
	The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of
others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
	The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The
receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
	"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
	The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
	"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

		U.S. Navy Directive 1022
	The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of a naval
installation somewhere in the Middle East, and it was obviously directed
at the Marines.
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEastFor Inst 16134//24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.
	The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
    "Eat Pork Or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]
    "Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
    "Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions]
    "Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and
Arabic versions]
    "The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions but
some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs]
    "Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English
versions]
    "Let's all be Politically Correct and ki! ll the bastards quietly."
[Both Arabic  and English versions]
    "Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]
    "Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
	The above T-shirts are to be removed from all Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive.
	The following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
    "Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range At 0800
Daily."
    "Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"
	All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon
receipt.

	A man decides to visit a whorehouse. He is sitting in the waiting
room when he notices jars of tomatoes on the shelves. Suddenly noticing
that he is hungry, he opens a jar and precedes to devour an entire jar.
	The next day he returns and eats another jar while waiting for his
prostitute.
	On the third day he asks a hooker where they got those juicy tomatoes.
	The whore replies, "Tomatoes? Those are last week's abortions."

	A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
	"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
	"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
	The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.
	The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."
	He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just
holding it.
	The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
	"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
	"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."
	"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS! SIT YOUR
ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT
YOUR GODDAMNED FUCKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING
TO A
DAMNED BAR! THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, NUMBNUTS?"
	And they lived happily ever after.

Q: What's the difference between Christmas and islamofascists in Iraq?
A: There will be a Christmas in December.

	Little David came home from first grade and told his father
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
	"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're
Jewish," he asked, "will God get mad at me for giving someone
a valentine?"
	David's father thought a bit, then said "No, I don't think
God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
	"Osama bin Laden," David said.
	"Why Osama bin Laden?", his father asked in shock.
	"Well," David said, "I thought if a little American Jewish
boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might
start to think we're not all bad, and start loving people a little
bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama,
he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the
place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't
hate anyone anymore."
	His father's heart swelled and he looked at his boy with
newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've
ever heard."
	"I know," David said, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could kill that goddamned heathen motherfucker."

Q: Have you heard about the newest sequel to "The Exorcist"?
A: A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

	The doctor was examining an elderly woman, and asked her, "Have you been
bedridden long?"
	"Oh, no.  Not for about twenty years, since my husband died."

	According to the CDC, half of all American teenagers are regularly
engaging in oral sex.  The other half are still wearing braces.

Q: What's the five day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.

Q: How are islamofascists like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Q: What do islamofascists and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What's orange and looks good on islamofascists?
A: Napalm.

Q: How do islamofascists have safe sex?
A: They put a red X on the camels that kick.

	Hitlery Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the
Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke
for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Indian's
present standard of living, should she one day become the first female
President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had
voted "Aye" on every pro-Indian issue that she could.
	Although the carpetbagging Senator was typically vague on the details
of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping
her "red sisters and brothers."
	At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented  Hitlery with a
plaque inscribed with her new Indian name "Walking Eagle."  The proud carpetbagger
then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
	A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come
to select the new name given to the Hitlery.
	They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of
shit it can no longer fly.

Q: What do islamofascists and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing...yet.

	A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a
liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic
ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
	She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
	"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature."
	The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."
	The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
	The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know,
you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
	The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
	Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
	The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
	She said, "Well, there you are You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
	The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"You think so? It's only 2230 now."

	When a woman wears leather clothing, a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry, he goes weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally.
	Ever wonder why?
	Because she smells like a new pickup truck.

	The man met a woman in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
	"Okay.  But it won't do you any good."
	After she had finished her first drink - he was now sitting with her -
he asked, "May I buy you another drink?"
	"Okay.  But it won't do you any good."
	After she finished the second drink the bar closed up, so he invited
her to his apartment.
	"Okay.  But it won't do you any good."
	When they arrived, he became highly passionate and loudly proclaimed,
"You are the most ravishingly beautiful woman I have ever met.  I want you
for my wife!"
	"Oh," she answered.  "That's different. Okay, send her in."

	The man appearing before a judge for indecent exposure pled, "It was just
a simple misunderstanding, your Honor."
	"You'll have to explain that one," said the judge.
	"Well, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I
wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

	Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived,
the two fathers made a bet -- in a year's time whichever family had
become more Americanized would win.
	A year later they met. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball,
I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud,
how about you?"
	The second man replied, "Fuck you, diaper head."

Q: How is poker like sex?
A: Everyone thinks they are the best, but most don't know what they are doing.

	A young woman was making confession to her priest and said, "Forgive me,
father, for I have sinned.  I have committed the sin of vanity as, thrice
every day, I look at myself in my full length mirror and told myself how
very beautiful I am."
	After the priest looked at her, he said, "I have good news for you, my
dear.  That is not vanity. It's simply a mistake."

	A busy couple agreed to have sex only once a month.  They bought a box
of twelve condoms so they had a whole years' supply. After a couple of
months had passed, the wife discovered that the box was now empty, so she
asked her husband, "What happened to the other ten condoms?"
	"Well, ah, I masturbated with them," he answered.
	Later that day she related these details to a male friend, then asked
him, "Have you ever done that?"
	"Once or twice," he replied.
	"What!  You mean you actually masturbated with a condom?" she exclaimed,
flabbergasted.
	"Oh no.  I thought you were asking if I ever lied to my wife."

	A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman
in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have
to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community and
from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
	The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on
your knee."

	A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
	"Sure do," said the bartender.
	"Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."

	John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much
of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
	Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the
next sale he missed would be his last.
	Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at
once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned
against a lamp post.
	Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
	"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I
substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
	"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.
	"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

	Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch
at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll literally do everything
that the women bitch them out to do.
	The next weekend, they are in the same bar.
	The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was
sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My
wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still
smoldering."
	The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and
dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the
whole car apart? It took me all night."
	The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the
door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached
down and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" He held out his
hands. "Ever seen one of these real close up?"

	A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in
bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
	His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"
	He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
	She thinks to herself, "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
	He yells, "What was that?"
	"Touchdown, tie score."
	Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
	"Now what in the world was that?" she asks.
	"Half time, switch sides."

	A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds
of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and
was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.
	As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin
flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.
	"What's this?" she asked.
	"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

	There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and
they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy,
what are they doing?"
	The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."
	The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees
two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and
her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.
	The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were
making cakes on the living room sofa last night, huh?"
	Shocked, the Mother says "How do you know?"
	"Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

	A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from
LA to NY.  The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a
fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
	The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5, and vice-versa."
	Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5,
and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring
that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
	This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be
no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
	The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
	The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?"
	The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer
and searches all his references.  He taps into the Airphone with his modem and
searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails
to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an
hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the
$500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
	The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
	Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.

Q: As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds
drawn?"
A: The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't
want you to think the operation was a failure."

	A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and
walked up to the checkout counter.
	The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"
	The man replies, "Yes I do."
	"Do you have your dog with you?"
	"No, I left him at home."
	The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this
dog food unless I see your dog."
	A few days later the man walks into the same store, selects 3
cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.
	The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"
	The man replies, "Yes I do."
	"Do you have your cat with you?"
	"No, I left her at home."
	Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this
cat food unless I see your cat."
	A few days later the man walks into the store, this time
carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks
him to put his hand into the bag.
	The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."
	The man then says, "Of course, it's my shit.  Now may I go
back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

     A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his
mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy.
    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a
little mad, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
    He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs,
and he kicks a pig.
     He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry
cereal.
     "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in
my cereal?" he asks.
     "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any
eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for
a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't
getting any milk."
      Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway
across the kitchen.
      The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you
going to tell him, or should I?"